Chapter 7

By the time Dick had finished his telling of the events, Raven had forgotten how to breathe. We slept together had been his exact and only words, but it was enough to trigger the unlocking of that night's events. The memories of that night came rushing back to her in a flood. It had been the first time she experience such emotions, and the sensory overload momentarily blinded her.

He hadn't given her details, she knew, because he wanted to save some of what he considered his "dignity". That night she had indeed been with him at his most vulnerable moment. She knew that he wasn't one to admit to such things so easily. Besides, there were still a good many things they needed to discuss and sort out. Not rehashing old events, but simply telling the simple facts would help them to get through the process faster.

"The guys and I kept the Titans together for about another year before splitting," he continued, taking the pizza from the oven, "But we weren't really the Teen Titans any more."

"You were the Titans who used to be Teens," she said.

She saw him just barely flinch; she knew that he realized that she was quoting him. He quickly cut himself off from that line of conversation.

"Where were you, Raven?" She looked at him, thinking of a way to properly tell him. "You promised to tell."

Suddenly, Raven realized that Dick was holding a giant plate of oven-fresh, frozen pizza. She had not eaten pizza in twenty years. The cheese and sauce were glistening, spilling off of the rectangular pre-cut slices. The urge to devour the entire plate was overwhelming to her. Without even thinking, she grabbed a piece and stuffed the whole thing in her mouth. As she savored the simultaneously crunchy-soft goodness of the crust, she realized that he was staring at her oddly. "Sorry," she attempted to say with her full mouth. Dick simply raised an eyebrow at her and sat himself down on the couch. Her gluttonous action had upset him, she could tell. She thus did her best to swallow the pizza as quickly as possible. Such impulses were the hard part of returning to the real word; she was having difficulty acknowledging her emotions without indulging her urgent desires. At certain points there was hardly a way to discern between the two things. She countered her action with a second impulse.

"I was in Azarath," she blurted out, without segue.

"What?"

"I was in Azarath, my birth place."

"Yes, I get that. But why? Why so suddenly? You told no one!" He was livid. "Do you know what we went through when you left? Do you have any idea what that did to us?At first, we were confused. The tower was destroyed; we thought you'd been taken. We were so scared. I couldn't sense you, Raven. Do understand that? For years I lived with your presence in my mind and then it just disappeared. That empty space when you left... Raven, I thought you were dead! I didn't tell the others, but I truly thought you were dead. It was like reliving when Starfire left, only worse, like a piece of me had been torn out...

"When it was clear you'd left on your own, we didn't know what to think. We thought that we'd driven you away." His posture changed a bit. "You left right after we... I thought you felt like I... like we... like it meant nothing or that you didn't..."

"No!" she said, franticly leaping over the couch and covering his mouth with both of her hands. "You can't say things like that, ever. It would kill me. Please, Dick. It's just not true."

Slowly, she took her hand away from his mouth. His jaw was set and his lips were locked in two straight angry lines. "Why did you go?"

"I don't know if I can start with that."

"Why didn't you tell us where you were going? Why didn't you tell me where you were going?"

"First, because I thought you'd follow me." He rolled his eyes. "Dick, you would have! And don't pretend like you wouldn't have. You went to Hell for me in the past. Why wouldn't you have gone to another dimension?"

"What's your second reason?" He sounded unconvinced.

"Second, I didn't want to explain why I was going."

"But that's exactly what you have to do now."

She was a little shocked by the tiniest of cruel smirks on his face.

"Yes," she finally responded, not quite sure how to continue. She turned her head away from him but he gently took it and turned it back to face him.

"So?"

She took a deep breath. "Do you remember what the Tower was like the next day?"

"Yes."

"How long did it take to repair the damages?"

"A long time. Some things were never really fixed."

It again became difficult for her to face him, so she didn't. She stood and paced back and forth as she continued to speak. "When we... my emotions couldn't be contained, therefore my powers couldn't be controlled. All that destruction: I did that. I did that because of something that was supposed to be — " Her gaze returned to his as she corrected herself, "—Was wonderful." She looked to him for some sort of registration of what she was saying, but his face remained a stoic mask. She turned away from him again and continued. "I wanted to be with you, Dick, but I didn't know if I could show as much restraint in the future as I had that night. Maybe it was foolish to even think of a future between us, but don't you see? I left because it was the only way that I could ever be with you, or anyone without having to worry about what kind of bad implications that would have if I didn't have control over my powers. I was young and stupid and in love. I'm sorry for what I did to all of you."

"You were in love?"

She understood what he was asking. Did she still love him? She knew the answer to this, but was curious as to his feelings, so she pried.

"I don't know. Would it be worth it if I still was?"

He placed a hand on her cheek. "I think so."

That look. He was giving her that look. It meant that any moment his fingers would slip into her hair and he would lean in to kiss her.

"Stop it," she said calmly as she took a step back.

"Raven..." He reached out and was about to step up to her when she stopped him.

"Don't," she said, in a more forceful tone than before.

"Don't what?"

"Don't make it so hard."

He finally became frustrated again. "Why are you being so evasive with me? You said you left to be with me and now that you're here you're pushing me away. Raven, you have no idea how much I would love to reciprocate everything you just talked about. If you want to be with me then be with me!"

Silence hung in the air like a fresh carcass.

"I kinda' just put all of myself out there. The least you could do is respond."

Raven walked over to the window and leaned on the window sill, looking out at the growing snow storm.

"I'll never be her, Dick," she finally said.

"Wha?" he asked her, completely seriously.

"Don't you remember," she asked.

"What are you talking about?"

"It's one of the things I never forgot. It might even be what first gave me the idea of locking myself away."

She could see he was still a bit confused by what she was saying.

"Do you remember the days after I came back?" she asked.

Dick's eyes widened. It was something he had been trying to push to the back of his mind and thought he had completely forgotten it. That is, until Raven had returned a few days ago and more truly, that very moment she asked...