I'm not in love,

I'm not in love.

Two days of Annie's routine, which basically had no pattern to it, and Nikki felt worse than ever. Still, she'd been comforted by the fact that her sister didn't expect her to talk about it; Annie had got into enough scrapes of her own and come running to her and each time Nikki had left her to it. It was nice that Annie was repaying the favour.

There hadn't been any word from Doug. She knew that if there were problems with the kids he'd let her know, so no news was good news in that respect; but she wasn't sure Doug failing to contact her was a good thing. Then again, the peace and quiet hadn't helped her frame of mind much. At least when they were in the middle of an argument she could guess at what he was thinking; him shouting at her, as well, was retribution for what she'd done. It was what she deserved, she wanted him to shout at her.

Work had been a long painful rollercoaster. She hadn't seen Diane up close, but she had received several missed calls from her. Though she had no inclination to return them, the fact that she couldn't barely walk down the street without Diane invading her life was infuriating. Plus, despite not seeing Diane, her stomach plummeted each time someone opened her office door, or every time she walked down a corridor. The sickness that infiltrated her was always slow to die down and she knew that she'd hardly been the model police officer over the last couple of days.

There was a rap on the door and her stomach muscles did their usual tightening routine. Inspector Gold entered. 'Nikki? Your stepson's in the front office.'

She stood immediately. 'What, Liam?'

Gina nodded. 'He's asking to speak to you.'

A minute later she led Liam into the front interview room, motioning for him to sit down. 'What is it?' she asked anxiously. 'What's up?'

He shrugged and shook his head, concentrating on the table. 'I wanted to see you.'

She relaxed slightly but kept her eyes on the top of his head. 'Why?'

'Dad's… He's walking round like a zombie. He won't talk to anyone, he just sits staring into space all the time.'

Nikki swallowed and hesitantly touched his arm. 'Liam, he's not mad at you.'

'He's not mad at you either!' the lad answered, his voice rising. 'He blames her, not you!'

'This is between me and him,' she tried. 'You shouldn't be involved.'

'Yeah, but I am, aren't I?' he said bitterly. 'Andy doesn't know what's going on so it's just me!'

Sighing, Nikki stood and faced the wall. 'Your dad wouldn't like you to be here right now, Liam.'

'You do want to come home, right?'

'Of course I…' Trailing off, she turned back to him. 'I miss you all.'

He paused then raised his head. 'And what about her?'

'I can't talk about this with you,' she answered. 'It's not right.'

'You can't have been all that happy, not if you…'

'Liam! Please.'

He stood and moved to the door, opening it then looking back at her. 'Why did you do it?'

Nikki closed her eyes as she heard a voice in the reception area. 'Right, Mrs Sikes. Thanks for all your help, I'll contact you if we need anything else.'

Liam immediately went through the door, Nikki followed him after a second. An elderly woman nodded at Diane then left the station and, as Diane turned to leave herself, she caught sight of Liam. Her eyes automatically shifted over to Nikki then back to Liam. 'Hi.'

Nikki was the first to recover herself. 'Liam, you should go.'

He shook his head, his eyes not leaving Diane. 'Are you happy now?'

'This isn't the place,' Diane answered, glancing around. There were a few people in the front office and Emma Keane was behind the desk.

'I'm so sorry!' Liam burst out sarcastically.

'Alright, come on,' Nikki said, taking charge and forcibly getting him out of the station doors. 'You need to go home, okay? You look after your dad and your sisters for me.'

He shrugged her off violently then stormed off. Nikki stepped back a few paces and leaned heavily against the wall. She heard the footsteps but kept her gaze straight ahead. 'Go away.'

'You're not answering my calls.'

'I've got nothing else to say to you.'

'At least let me explain,' Diane said, raising an exasperated snort from Nikki.

'I think I've got a clear enough picture,' she answered.

'Hear me out, Nikki. Please.'

She shook her head. 'I did that before, remember?'

'Look at me!' Diane demanded, stepping in front of her.

Involuntarily, she found herself being forced to look into Diane's face. She wanted to push her away, a chunk of her wanted to do it with as much force as possible, but she couldn't. Diane's expression was a pained one; her eyes were glistening. Nikki tried to move her head away but it felt locked; she was still looking straight at Diane and her skin felt on fire. 'Stop it.'

'You think I wanted to hurt you? You think I wanted any of this?'

'I don't know what to think.'

Diane let out her breath. 'You're mad! You know how I feel about you.'

Nikki finally felt her anger boil over and she elbowed past the constable. 'You lied to me!'

'Not about that!'

'And why should I believe anything you say anymore?' Nikki retorted, leaving Diane standing there. Returning to her office, she slammed the door and collapsed into her chair.

Her breathing had just about returned to normal when the door opened. Believing it to be Diane, she curtly asked, 'What now?'

'Oh, I dunno,' came Gina Gold's reply. 'I wouldn't mind knowing what's got into you lately.'

Closing her eyes briefly, she sighed. 'I'm sorry, Ma'am, I didn't realise it was you.'

'So who was that aimed at exactly?' the Inspector questioned, closing the door and sitting down.

'It's not important, Ma'am.'

'Nikki,' Gina said after a long moment. 'You've been like a bear with a sore head for days now. It's none of my business but… Well, it's not like you.'

'Honestly, I'm fine.'

Gina shook her head. 'If that's the way you wanna play it…'

Late afternoon she received a surprise in the shape of a phone call from Doug. Immediately alert, she asked, 'Is everything alright at home? The kids?'

'No, they're fine,' he answered, his tone indecipherable. 'Apart from missing you.'

Was that a suggestion she return? 'Right,' she said uncertainly.

'I was…' He paused. 'I think we need to talk, don't you?'

She didn't exactly relish the prospect but… 'Yeah, I do.'

'How does tonight sound? Are you busy?'

'No,' she replied, ignoring the slight lilt in his voice. 'Shall I come round to the house?'

'I don't want the kids to be unsettled,' he said. 'And I don't particularly fancy coming round and interrupting whatever that sister of yours does on a Saturday night.'

Nikki hadn't been looking forward to that much either. 'Where then?'

'The Dragon. Around seven. If that's alright.'

'That's fine,' she answered. 'I'll see you there.'

When she left the station just after half past six she saw a figure leaning against a lamppost waiting for her. There was no way to avoid her, not without crossing the road twice and looking like a complete fool, so Nikki plunged her hands into her pockets and made to walk straight past her.

Diane wasn't going to let her pass easily though. Stepping in front of her, she said, 'I want to talk to you.'

'I've got to go,' she tried, moving past.

Catching up, Diane gripped her arm. 'You have to listen to me.'

Wrenching her arm away, she carried on walking. 'No.'

'Nikki!'

The tone of voice stalled her and she reluctantly looked back. Diane was watching her, pain evident on her face. 'Hurry up,' she warned, walking back to the constable.

Diane nodded. 'Thanks.' She took a short moment then said, 'Look, I know I messed up. It's no excuse but I was fired-up; all I could concentrate on was making you see that I… I wasn't proud of what I did, you know. The second it was out of my mouth and I saw the look on his face I thought, that's it, I've blown it. I thought that when you got home you'd have a big bust-up with him and that'd be it. But you didn't, because he didn't tell you. And I couldn't tell you that I'd told him, not after what happened with Jo.'

Nikki crossed her arms against the biting cold. 'So you just let me go on like was everything was normal? Things make sense now. The way you two were acting at the hospital. I mean, I thought I was the one hiding the secret but I wasn't, was I? I was the only one in the dark!'

'I don't know what I could've done! I didn't wanna lose you!'

'I was never yours to lose,' Nikki answered icily.

Diane concentrated on the pavement for a brief moment. 'You still can't admit it, can you?' Her eyes flickered upwards again. 'For God's sake, just say it!'

'I don't know what you mean,' she lied.

'Okay,' Di said, her voice thick with anger. 'If you'd have loved Doug, really loved him, it wouldn't have mattered what I'd done. You wouldn't have looked twice, not even once. So I think- and this is just my little opinion- I think you've known how you felt all along, but you're just too much of a coward to accept it.'

Shaking her head, Nikki turned to walk away again. 'Rubbish.'

'Is it, Nikki?' Diane called after her. 'So look at me and say it.'

Looking back, she opened her mouth then closed it again. 'I've got somewhere to be.'

Diane's eyes never left hers. 'Where?'

'I'm meeting my husband,' she replied, placing one foot in front of the other and forcing herself to walk away as fast as possible.

She arrived at the pub a little ahead of time and, since she was already nervous as hell, she settled her nerves with a drink before Doug arrived. The Dragon was a nice enough pub; far enough away from the station to mean that she recognised no one from work, but still away from the rougher areas of Canley.

Doug came in, spotting her instantly in the little alcove she'd commandeered. He went to buy the drinks while she watched his back and tried to anticipate exactly what was about to occur. She was prepared to do whatever he wanted if he set conditions for her return home. Seeing Liam earlier had reminded her of the other human beings involved in this: they'd never asked to be dragged into this mess and if she could get them out of it unscathed she would've done a fair job.

Sitting down, Doug pushed her glass across the table. 'Hello.'

Uncertain, she nodded. 'Hi.' There was a long silence. 'How are the kids?'

'Andy's watching the girls.'

'How did you get him to stay in on a Saturday?' she asked tentatively.

'I paid him; how else?' Doug answered with a shrug. After another pause, he went on, 'Nikki, they want you to come home.'

'I know,' she said quietly, sipping her drink to buy her a second. 'Liam came to see me at work earlier.'

Doug frowned. 'He didn't mention that to me.'

'No, well, he wasn't in the best state.'

'Not really surprising, is it?' her husband queried, meeting her eye. 'He ended up on a roof, Nikki.'

Her guilt resurfaced and she stared into her glass. 'I know.'

'I never thought he'd do anything like that,' he continued. 'But it's how he saw Liz dealing with her problems so maybe it was inevitable. Funny, he got through all the Greg Clarke debacle but as soon as you…'

'Alright,' she interrupted, 'you can't make me feel worse than I already do. I hate seeing him like this. I hate seeing you like this,' she added after a second.

Doug looked up, then took a long gulp of his drink before he spoke. 'I need you to be completely honest with me. It's the only way we've got any chance of working this out. A clean slate, you know?'

She nodded. 'I understand.'

'So… If I ask you some questions, you'll answer them honestly?'

'Yes. I will,' she replied, briefly wondering what he wanted to know.

'Right. Okay.' He glanced up and looked her straight in the eye. 'Have you seen her?'

Shaking her head, she said, 'Not outside of work.'

'What does that mean, that you've been meeting in the locker room or something?' he asked.

'No, it's just unavoidable that I'll see her there,' she answered.

'Would you request a transfer if I asked you to?' he went on. 'I couldn't stomach the idea of you working with her everyday. I'd want you out of there.'

'Back at Barton Street where you can keep an eye on me.'

'Something like that. As long as you weren't anywhere near her. Well?'

'Yes,' she said. 'If that's what you want.'

'What I want is for the last few months never to have happened,' he replied, his jaw stiffening. 'What I want is to still have my family in one piece.'

Nikki squeezed her eyes shut to stem the tears that were lurking there. 'I know.'

'I don't understand it,' he continued finally. 'You don't wake up one day and have an affair with another woman. It doesn't happen, Nikki.'

Not knowing what to say, she kept quiet.

'She said… When she came round she told me so matter-of-factly, just as if it was the most natural thing in the world.'

It had been, an unwelcome voice muttered in her head. When she was with Diane something else took over her body, and her mind as well come to that. She forgot everything; that was part of the curse of Diane Noble, it was also one of her greatest qualities. The nights they spent together melded into one long peaceful uninterrupted moment: it was painful to recollect that when Diane was holding her at three in the morning she was hiding the fact that she'd deliberately and purposefully tried to ruin her marriage.

But what was it that Diane had said? That if she loved Doug, really loved him, she wouldn't have let it happen. Yet she knew she loved Doug! Of course she did. You didn't take the steps she had with Liz all those years ago lightly. You didn't split up a family, betray a friend and watch a mental breakdown if you weren't serious about someone. You didn't do that if you didn't love them. You didn't damage a happy family for no reason.

Nikki closed her eyes. You didn't.

'It's not natural, just to wake up and…' Doug's voice cut into her thoughts. 'I don't understand! Help me understand!'

'I can't,' she said quietly. 'I don't know why it happened, or how it happened.'

'But you just kept on going back anyway,' he said bitterly.

Yes… She had. Whenever things had been rough she'd turned to Diane because she felt safer talking to her. Who had she told about Liam and Greg Clarke? Even though they were barely speaking she'd still felt more comfortable confiding in Diane instead of Doug. Diane listened. Not that Doug didn't, but she felt more of an individual in Diane's eyes. To Doug she was wife and mother, a dual consideration. Woman was tagged on the end of that like an afterthought. To Diane, though, that seemed to be her most prized quality- her individuality. She never felt part of a larger consideration with Diane. When the constable said she wanted her it wasn't to save a family and preserve a history.

'Did you ever think about telling me?' Doug asked quietly.

'Not really,' she admitted honestly. 'I couldn't.'

'You know,' he went on after a second, gripping his glass tightly, 'telling Liz was the single, most difficult thing I've ever done. I'll never forget the look on her face when I did. She hadn't got a clue. We were such good liars, you and me; she thought everything was alright. I broke her heart,' he added softly. 'And if you'd have seen her, Nikki… I couldn't bear it. There I was, trying to tell this woman I'd been with since I was eighteen that I was leaving her for her best friend. I don't know how I did it. I just kept this image of you in my head. You and this beautiful little baby you were going to have.'

Nikki chewed on her bottom lip, trying to form a sentence but finding it an impossible task.

'So you were never going to tell me then?' he questioned, his voice regaining some of its bite.

'I never wanted to leave you,' she answered with a lacklustre shrug. 'It didn't cross my mind.'

'Not once? You didn't imagine yourself setting up house with her? Going home to her instead of me?'

'Maybe once,' she conceded. 'If we're dealing in truth.'

'Well, I'd imagine to think about that you must've had pretty strong feelings for her, Nikki.'

'Or I'd just had a rough day,' she argued, unwilling to follow his train of thought.

Doug was quiet then he drained his glass. 'She was adamant you're in love with her.'

'She's mistaken,' Nikki replied, not looking at him.

'I said I wanted honesty.'

'I am being honest. I don't love Diane Noble.'

The name tripped off her lips and she was forced to quickly mask her discomfort by finishing her own drink. Saying the name had ripped into her more than she cared to admit in present company.

Doug shook his head. 'You went round there once a week. You got this glazed look in your eye every time her name was mentioned. You wouldn't let her leave when you were being checked out at the hospital. You just said you thought about living with her! Just tell me the truth, Nikki!'

'I am,' she answered, feeling her voice breaking.

Doug was quiet then he finally snorted. 'You know what I used to love about you? Hmm? You never lied, not to yourself. All that time with Liz, when we were tiptoeing around, trying not to let it happen… You didn't kid yourself you didn't feel something, you just avoided it because it was the right thing to do. You were honest about your feelings. What changed?' When she didn't reply, he went on, 'It's ridiculous, you can't even admit it. At least have the nerve to do that, Nikki.'

She didn't realise he'd gone until a few seconds later. His chair was empty, the bar door swung shut and she felt a couple of other people watching her. Briefly, she wondered how much of the scenario they'd heard but she couldn't bring herself to care. It didn't matter anymore.

Feeling numb, she blinked several times then dragged herself to her feet and walked out of the pub. The air hit her like a gunshot; she suddenly felt the very real desire to be sick. Crossing the road, she leaned against the wall, her eyes closed as she tried to fight her stomach. With every breath it lurched more and just as she thought she had it under control, her eyes began to well up instead.

The car pulled up without her realising. 'Get in,' a voice instructed.

She wouldn't look around, she was determined she wouldn't be seen like this.

'Either you get in or I get out,' Diane continued after a moment. 'It's up to you.'

As she almost fell into the car seat she finally felt her emotions spilling to the surface. Before she knew it there were tears streaming down her cheeks. Looking straight ahead into a parked car a few yards away, she tried to fight them but she couldn't. She'd stemmed the tide for so long that now the floodgates had been opened there was no turning back. When Diane wrapped two arms around her she didn't resist.

Her breaths were long and shuddering. She wanted to take control and calm herself but the implementation of the idea was well beyond her. Diane was holding her. No, more than that, Diane was cradling her and smoothing her hair back and whispering in her ear, 'It's okay. Let it out.'

Eventually, she had to pull away. She didn't look at Diane for a long time then she glanced sideways. 'What are you doing here?'

'I followed you. Out of order, I know, but… I couldn't leave it like that.'

Part of her was infinitely grateful. 'Right.'

'What happened?' Diane questioned after a long pause.

'I don't know,' she admitted shakily. 'I don't know anything anymore.'

'Do you know that I love you?' Diane asked quietly.

'Yeah,' she said softly, teasing the last teardrops out of her eyes. 'I know that.'

'You know, maybe I should've just stayed well away,' the constable said after a moment. 'I knew you had a family, I knew what you were risking better than you did sometimes. Trouble was, the more I tried to convince myself that's what I should do, the more difficult it got. Because as soon as I thought it I'd see you and I'd see… I saw something in your eyes that I couldn't get rid of. Maybe if I'd been a bit stronger we wouldn't be in this mess.'

'But we are,' Nikki answered, watching a drunk stumble across the road from the pub. 'Can't change that now.'

Diane also gazed straight ahead. 'Are you and him… working it out?'

'Not exactly. Maybe. I don't know.'

'So it is him you wanna be with then?'

'They're my family.'

'That isn't what I asked, Nikki!'

She sighed. 'You saw Liam earlier, you saw the state he was in. You found him on a roof! And that was my doing!'

'And it's done! You can't change it by pretending nothing happened! You really think that going back because of the kids will make the difference? He won't forget it, he'll never trust you again. And you… You'll regret it for the rest of your life.'

Nikki snorted. 'Regret what? Not leaving my husband, my entire life, to be with someone who just lies over and over?'

Diane shook her head. 'I was trying to protect you. That's all. I know I got it wrong- I know that now- but at the time it seemed the right thing to do. Because we were getting along and I just knew that if I told you what I'd done, I'd never see you again. Course, I knew you'd find out eventually… I just tried to preserve it a bit longer, that's all.'

Silently, Nikki listened to the argument. What had she drummed into the girls? That you never lied, it was wrong under all circumstances. She'd used Liz as justification in her own mind: that had been so wrong it was unbelievable and she hadn't wanted the girl to follow in her footsteps. But she'd lied to Doug. And she was still lying really, wasn't she?

'What are you thinking?' Diane asked, breaking into her thoughts.

'About the kids,' she answered in semi-truthfulness. 'The girls.' Taking a moment, she took a long breath. 'And Liz; what I did to her.'

Diane tentatively reached across and caressed her cheek. 'We could be okay. You know?'

Nikki slid her face out of reach. 'No, we couldn't. You really think I could abandon my kids? And then walk into the station everyday knowing that people were talking about me behind my back?'

'You mean you haven't got the guts to give it a go. That's it, isn't it?' Diane's voice was bitter. 'You'd rather just sacrifice any chance you've got of being happy…'

'For my family!'

'No, because you're scared!' Diane argued, grabbing her arms and forcing her to look at her. 'You tell me you don't love me and I'll leave you alone. Hell, I'll even tell Doug I blackmailed you into it if that's what you want. All you have to do is look me in the eye and say it.

Raising her head, Nikki looked over Diane's face, running up over it until their eyes met. 'I don't l…' Trailing off, she reached for the car door handle. 'I have to go.'

'I knew you couldn't say it, Nikki,' Diane said, the voice following her out into the night.

As she speedily walked down the street she didn't look back. She couldn't. She was crying again.

'You look like hell, if you don't mind me saying so.'

Nikki briefly glanced up as the Inspector placed her palms on the custody desk. 'Hello, Ma'am.'

'Where's Smithy got to?' Gina asked.

'CID borrowed him for a bit. They needed his help. He asked me if I'd cover.'

'Right. Well, when you've finished I need you and Beth to get down to the Cockcroft Estate. Mrs Harmead, the witness to that assault last week? She's withdrawn her statement and since you dealt with her originally, I thought maybe you could talk her round.'

'I'll give it a go, Ma'am,' Nikki answered, going back to her report and hoping that Gina would take the hint.

'I suppose me asking if you're alright breaks some sort of code.'

'I'd rather not talk about it, if it's all the same.'

Gina sighed. 'I give up.'

'Well, I would appreciate it,' she replied, glancing upwards and finding an unprecedented amount of sympathy in the Inspector's eyes. 'What?'

'Nothing.'

'Good.' Nikki focused her eyes back on the flimsy piece of paper until Gina Gold had stalked off elsewhere, then she gave up the pretence of trying to concentrate and put her pen down.

She hadn't slept the previous night: too many thoughts had been battling in her mind. There was this image of her picturesque family blockading the picture of Diane that kept trying to invade her happy family portrait. Diane had fought through though. As she'd heard the birds chirping an unwelcome hello in the early hours of the morning it had been Diane's face that had endured the length of the night. Diane who she'd missed.

Smithy returned ten minutes later, grumbling about CID being hopeless, and she retrieved Beth from the canteen before heading off to the Cockcroft Estate. As she pulled up, she noticed another car, a plain silver one reminiscent of the one Doug drove, stopping a few yards behind her. Her stomach flipped when the door opened and Doug emerged from the driving seat.

'Beth,' she said suddenly. 'Go up and see Mrs Harmead. I'll be there in a minute.'

The young officer didn't argue, thankfully, and she was already out of sight when Nikki got out of the patrol car and faced her husband. 'What are you doing here? I'm working.'

'I needed to talk to you,' he answered, his voice proving the exhaustion that his eyes had already betrayed.

'I thought you'd said all you wanted to,' she said pointedly, beginning to walk towards the tower block.

'I came back to the pub last night,' he called after her, forcing her to halt. 'I thought I might've been unfair. I wanted to apologise.'

She turned slowly. 'What?'

He was watching her intently. 'Yeah. I saw you with her, Nikki.'

What was she supposed to say to that? She couldn't think of anything suitable so she kept quiet.

'She was holding you,' he went on eventually. 'You were crying. I was stood there watching you being comforted by that…'

'She has a name,' Nikki interrupted.

'Oh, you don't want me bad-mouthing her, is that it, Nikki!'

Walking away again, she managed a few paces and turned back. 'What do you want me to say?'

He shrugged hopelessly. 'Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you're coming home.'

'I want to,' she answered, glancing to the ground. 'I really want to.'

'But you can't,' he concluded for her. 'At least you're being honest now.'

'This isn't the time for this, Doug,' she said, looking around at the tower blocks that surrounding them.

He ignored her. 'What do you want me to tell our children, hmm? Do I tell them the truth; do I tell them their mum's run off with another woman?'

'I'm not going anywhere with her!' she insisted.

Doug shook his head. 'Just be honest!'

Inclining her face away from him, Nikki spotted an altercation outside a flat at the opposite end of the complex. Taking the opportunity, she ran towards the struggling man and woman. 'Oi!'

The man glanced towards her then sped off. Chasing him, she was vaguely aware of Doug on her heels, calling for her to wait. As she rounded a corner she found herself surrounded by garages. It was a completely enclosed space with high walls; there was no way the man she'd lost sight of only five seconds earlier could've scaled them in that brief period of time.

Spinning on her heel, she looked behind her then, as she turned back, she found herself staring down the barrel of a pistol. Stepping back a few paces, she held up her hands. 'Alright. There's no need for that.'

'What do you want?' the man asked angrily. From the look of him, he was in his late teens and extremely anxious; his finger was shaking on the trigger. 'I didn't do anything.'

'Well, now you're holding a police officer at gunpoint,' she said, willing herself to stay calm. 'That's quite a serious offence.'

He shook his head violently. 'I haven't hurt you,' he answered, stepping back several yards but still holding the gun aloft.

'And that's good,' she replied, keeping her eye on the firearm. 'Now, if you put it down…'

'Nikki!'

Doug's shout was followed by a gunshot and Nikki felt herself fall to the ground with a thunk. She wasn't sure where it hurt, if it hurt at all; all she could see was the sky above her growing greyer and greyer until…

She was floating.