A/N: This is the first of three slightly... different chapters. The song here is 'The Weakness in Me' by Joan Armatrading, I thought it fit perfectly with Nikki's frame of mind.

I'm not the sort of person who falls

In and quickly out of love.

It was ridiculous. Who woke up one morning and began an affair with another woman? It was an extraordinarily odd occurrence, particularly when the woman in question was Diane Noble. For a long time Diane had just been incidental in her mind; a person she worked with and someone she didn't always see eye to eye with, but just someone who happened to be there.

Then came that kiss.

It had been completely unexpected. Not only that: it had been completely undesired. She'd spent weeks agonising over it afterwards though; getting it out of her mind had been an impossible task. It was as if her eyes had just been opened against some glaring light and she was completely blindsided. No matter what she wanted- or what she thought she wanted- she couldn't close her eyes again. She couldn't ignore Diane afterwards, however hard she tried.

But she had fought it. She hadn't wanted to risk anything, and there'd been so much to lose.

But to you I gave my affection

Right from the start.

Di was so persuasive though. And persistent as well. She had the feeling that anyone else would've given up, but Diane hadn't. At first she'd been convinced it was all part of the game Diane was playing with her. It was some effort, a ridiculous one at that, to prove that she could get under her skin if she wanted to. The trouble was, the ridiculous effort worked. Di crept into her mind, unasked and unwanted, and refused to leave.

Now she'd finally admit it. Right from the moment Diane kissed her in the briefing room all that time ago, something changed. Her life wasn't as crystal-clear as she'd thought. She had desires for a woman. It didn't matter if she battled them down and refused to follow through on them; they still existed. That itching at the back of her mind would've been enough to make her question herself eventually, even if Diane hadn't persisted quite so much. But would she have won her personal argument if Diane hadn't turned up on her doorstep looking absolutely stunning?

I have a lover who loves me

How could I break such a heart?

But still you get my attention.

She could still remember the first time she ever saw Doug. She was halfway through cutting Mrs Hailey's hair when the bell went on the door and this tall dark-haired bloke in a police uniform waltzed in. Liz was out shopping so after Mrs Hailey had left they'd been left alone. It wasn't awkward at all though. They might never have met before in their lives but they never stopped talking. Of course, when Liz turned up there'd been a moment and that was it- she and Doug both realised what was going on. It was not to be followed through on, however; not under any circumstances.

Hadn't she felt the same way about Diane? That was something not to be followed either. Because of Doug, because of the kids. She loved her husband, he loved her. That's what they were; a happy family unit. So the idea that she would risk all that for a stupid fling, a bit of excitement, was… illogical. Diane had been right when she'd used that particular word: it was illogical to put her marriage on the line because of a bit of physical pleasure. And if she knew one thing it was that she wasn't an illogical being. She'd known that all along really.

Why do you come here when you know I've got troubles enough?

As soon as she'd opened the door to Diane that first Friday night she'd realised, in her heart of hearts, that she was about to overstep the mark. If she'd had any sense about herself she would've closed the door, and if she had truly wanted Diane to leave at any time she knew she would've. All it needed was the right tone of voice. Diane had walked away on other occasions when she'd asked. So she couldn't have really wanted her to go. No, she knew she hadn't wanted her to go.

Diane's ability to make her feel comfortable with committing adultery in the bed she shared with her husband was unbelievable. She gave up fighting after a couple of minutes, even gave up thinking. She just followed her instincts.

Then, of course, she found herself staring into the wall and willing everything to be retracted. Diane had said she couldn't erase it, and she'd certainly been right. She couldn't look at Doug in the same way again, no matter how hard she tried, and she couldn't rid her mind of the evening. The sensation of Diane's hand slipping through her hair had haunted her for a long time; it had invaded her thoughts in the middle of the night and when she was work every time she had a moment alone.

Why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone?

Diane started something unstoppable. The thing was, she knew she was starting it. Diane Noble was in charge all along. If she'd have let go at any point, refused her at any time, that would've been it. Because she couldn't have justified chasing Diane, not within the warped constrains of logic that governed her mind. Being chased wasn't her fault, the way Diane pursued her was unavoidable, but she couldn't choose to follow Diane. It wasn't right. She was swept away by feelings she'd had no idea she was formulating and by the time she realised what was going on, it was too late. She was in too deep by then.

She wondered sometimes whether Doug could sense the change in her. At times she felt she was walking around with a neon sign attached to her forehead, and all the while she was trying so hard to keep some semblance of normality at home. It had been so much easier when she was convincing herself that it was just a physical thing with Diane. But that changed the moment she turned over and unhesitatingly agreed to spend the night with her lover. That was when she'd started being truly honest with herself at least.

You make me lie when I don't want to.

That capacity for dishonesty had always been there. Lying to Liz had proved that all those years ago. Every time she'd seen her, at work and socially, after that first meeting with Doug, she'd lied on some level. Even if it wasn't out and out dishonesty, she'd still been making Liz an unknowing pawn in the game she was playing. It had eaten away at her back then; she'd spent nights awake listening to the wind and watching the shadows on the ceiling of her flat while she contemplated what the hell she was doing. And she'd vowed never to inflict that kind of suffering on anyone again, never to lie. Diane had made her break her own rules, and she hadn't even tried to stop it.

If she'd wanted to nip it in the bud before it started she would've gone home and told Doug as soon as Diane first kissed her. But because she hadn't, one lie led to another, and then she was locked into the cycle. After a while there was no breaking it. She failed to see, really, how things would've gone had Diane not told Doug and had Liam not seen them. It would've gone on clandestinely until Diane had grown sick of being the other woman. That feeling was horrible, she knew that herself. But Doug had always professed he'd leave Liz, and he had. Diane was never on the receiving end of such promises.

And you make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool.

Then again, Diane had never asked for any guarantee. It seemed she was content with their situation, or she at least didn't want to press the issue. What they had was enough, right up until the realisation dawned that she trusted Diane more than Doug. In the hospital with both of them, she wanted Diane to stay with her as that nail was removed from her foot. She'd actually asked Diane to stay in front of Doug and she never thought she'd do that.

But Diane made her feel too unsure of herself. While her head, her logical side, told her that her life was with Doug, she was pulled towards Diane with alarming ferocity. The idea of Doug should've stopped her. It didn't. She was the one who caused him pain; not Diane. Because Diane wasn't the one with the husband and family.

And you make me stay when I should not.

That first night she'd stayed at Diane's flat had been a turning point. Until then she had told herself, in no uncertain terms, that it was a physical infatuation and nothing else. But Diane had forced her into making a split-second decision and, when it came down to it, she'd wanted to stay.

When she woke the next morning she hadn't known where she was at first. She thought she was at home. There was a presence in front of her and she was sure it was Doug. Then she'd opened her eyes and caught sight of Diane's peaceful face and the idea that she should have been anywhere else seemed absurd.

It wasn't because of Diane's argument that she'd stayed over that night. It was because she had stared at the prospect of walking out of the door to face the cold evening and that idea had been horrible. To go home to her husband even felt wrong. But staying with Diane felt right, so very right.

Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

There was something wrong with being involved in two life-shattering affairs in a lifetime. Once was a mistake, perhaps. Unavoidable. But twice! Twice was a pattern. Did it just signify a tendency to put personal pleasure ahead of responsibility? She couldn't believe that, she didn't want to. She'd fallen for Doug ten years ago. And she'd fallen for Diane. It had been completely against every intention she'd ever had but it had happened all the same. It had been as unavoidable with Diane as it had been with Doug all that time ago. The moment she tried to reason with herself that Diane was one sort of person, she'd show another side and there'd be nothing to do but stand there and stare at her. Diane saw her doing that, every time. And when you had that much confirmation of a reciprocated attraction, why would you stop pursuing it? You wouldn't.

Maybe she was just weak. She'd broken up a family; not determinedly but she'd done it anyway. She'd known the possible consequences and she'd gone along with it in spite of them. And she'd done that twice. She should've known better the second time around. But Diane had just drawn her back in, time and time again.

Why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by?

Nothing ever felt accidental with Diane. That was why it had felt so much like an exercise in confusion at first: Diane always seemed to have the upper hand because she always knew what was going to happen, she always guessed what she was thinking. She could never lie to Diane, not like she'd lied to Doug. So when Diane had given her the opportunity of regaining her life by just saying that she didn't love her she hadn't been able to do it. There was no way she could look Diane in the eye and say that.

Lying to Doug hadn't exactly been easy, but perhaps the ends had justified the means. She kept seeing Diane; seeing Diane kept her happy. She was better at home because she wasn't trying to suppress her feelings for Diane. That was one way of looking at it. It was a method that justified what she was doing anyway.

And what if she hadn't have been able to justify it? Would she have just gone along with it regardless? She wasn't certain anymore.

But I mean to see you

And I mean to hold you tightly.

When she was with Diane she felt safe. No matter what was happening in the real world, she was okay because she was wrapped in arms that promised to protect her. She never doubted that promise. From the moment she crossed the threshold every Friday night, she gave up her own control and let Diane lead her. It didn't feel wrong, it was completely natural to her. As natural as when she had faced Liz for the first time after Doug's confession to his wife. Though it was wrong she hadn't been able to suppress the necessity then, and she couldn't now.

Doug had called it unnatural, but he was wrong. He didn't know the first thing about it. Something that prised her away from all she knew and respected had to be natural. The look of desire in Diane's eyes every time they met was as natural a thing as she had ever seen. And she considered waking with Diane's arm resting over her stomach to be the most natural occurrence in the world.

Feeling guilty, worried,

Waking from tormented sleep.

It was when she was at home that she struggled. Doug's breathing forced her to stay awake and every breath he took was like a needle prick to her mind. Occasionally she got up, went to check on the kids. The girls always looked like little angels in the night; the only time they were ever quiet. That was when she got her pangs of guilt. She could lie every day for a lifetime about her relationship with Diane but she got the feeling that if Doug had asked her outright in the twilight hours she would've told him the truth. It was the darkness; it forced her to face her actions.

The only place she could really sleep without those feelings plaguing her was Diane's flat, which was a contradiction in itself. She would've thought that being in that foreign bed would've spiked her conscience, but it didn't. It was a sensation that felt too right to be considered wrong.

But at work she constantly worried. The thought of people there knowing was a prominent fear, especially after the Jo Master debacle. At least Jo understood to an extent. She could never imagine Reg, Roger and the rest of the Sun Hill brigade being quite so accommodating.

Oh, this old love has me bound.

Doug and the kids regulated her thoughts; every time she walked back into the house she felt like she was walking back into a life that she'd put on hold for a while. She never resented the kids; she never resented Doug, for that matter. This was her life, the path she'd chosen ten years ago. She'd signed up for the nappy changing, the midnight vigils, the step kids. She'd signed up forever with Doug.

Sometimes she knew she didn't want that anymore and, very occasionally, she'd accept it. She'd admitted to Doug that she'd considered what her life would be like with Diane. In honesty, the picture had been rather hazy- it consisted of broken images from her past, present and her visions of how she'd always expected the future to go- but it was something she had thought about. Then Doug and Liam and Andy and Daisy and Rebecca had bitten into her mind and she recognised her promises of the last decade again. To leave them unfulfilled was unthinkable. More than that, it was cruel; particularly to Liam when she thought about what he'd already gone through.

But the new love cuts deep.

The problem was, she couldn't never rid herself of her feelings for Diane. Even after the lies, she couldn't force herself to hate her. Of course, she tried to persuade herself that she loathed her, but it was a pointless exercise. Because, at least on some level, she understood Diane's arguments. She hadn't wanted to lose that fragile peace they'd had, it was something easily identifiable with. They were in a comfortable bubble and any confession regarding Doug's knowledge would've shattered the illusion. Never mind if it had to be shattered at some point, preserving the little time they had left was understandable.

Whenever she thought of Diane she felt an almost unprecedented surge of emotion. Diane felt too close to her, it was frightening sometimes. And the thought of giving up that feeling? It wasn't a pleasant notion. Sometimes she didn't even battle against what she wanted. She let the emotions wash over her without fighting them and allowed that split-second of happiness when the world was forgotten. Of course, it always ended and she opened up her eyes to face reality. But the hope lived on occasionally.

If I choose now, I'll lose out

Oh, one of you has to fall.

Doug and the kids. They were a package. It wasn't just the girls that featured in her considerations, she loved Liam and Andrew like her own but she knew that splitting with Doug would halt those relationships. Doug wouldn't stop her seeing the girls, but his sons were a different matter. And Liam, particularly, would suffer for that fact.

What did she stand to lose? Her children, her family, her husband. If she chose Diane she could picture her life outside of their little haven being unbearable. How could she look anyone in the eye again at work? How could she work with Diane there, being accused of favouritism at every step?

How could she choose Doug and reject everything that Diane represented to her? She'd have to transfer away from Sun Hill and they'd never see each other again, not even accidentally because Doug wouldn't allow her to put herself in that potential situation. He'd be forever aware. They wouldn't have any trust left between them, no matter what he professed.

And I need you…

But Doug had been part of her life for so long. He knew her, she knew him. She loved him. When he watched the telly she could always tell what was going through his mind. If he didn't like something his nose wrinkled unconsciously; she knew the small twitch of his lips that occurred when he did like something.

They were a team. At work, at home; they made a formidable pairing. How could you just pack that all in for something that might work but had an equal chance of failure? It wasn't a case of sticking with what she knew; it was the fact that if she stayed with someone who she knew loved her, she'd be safe. With Doug she'd always be safe. There was something reassuring in him; that had been one of the many things she fell in love with him for. Along with his sense of humour, his kindness and his unwavering love. He'd take her back if she agreed to his conditions; she knew that.

… And you.

But what about what her gut told her? She'd trusted it on an infinite number of occasions, and it hadn't let her down. Granted, those occasions had mostly been work-related, but that didn't necessarily mean it was wrong this time.

Her gut returned her to the look on Diane's face just before they'd slept together for the first time. She'd been crying and Diane had kneeled in front of her and wiped away her tears with her fingers and that one movement had convinced her of Diane's sincerity. Even if she'd questioned it afterwards, she knew then, just because of the look in Diane's eyes, that this was no game.

Doug offered security; what did Diane offer? Well, uncertainty, for starters. Trouble was almost a pre-requisite of their relationship as well. It wouldn't be boring. They'd probably take their work home with them, bring it into personal arguments, and bring personal disagreements into work. It'd be horrendous.

Diane offered something Doug couldn't anymore though: Diane trusted her. As they'd already painfully established, she couldn't lie to Diane and that was something they both were aware of.

If she'd said she didn't love her, Diane would've accepted it for that very reason. But she hadn't been able to utter those words and there was one very simple reason for that.

She, Nikki Wright, loved Diane Noble.