As winter progressed, my symptoms slowly reared their head once more. They started as simple and bearable headaches which eventually evolved into intense migraines. I was lucky, for headaches were normal occurrences for any human being. Of course, mine were different, but it also meant I wasn't necessarily lying to the people who asked me what was wrong when I wince at an attack. I'm beginning to believe that the rat's blood Satoshi and I toasted triggered my transformation to continue. I can't blame him though. I t was bound to happen sooner or later anyway.

Sae-chan would call me daily around lunch time. Her concern for me eased the bitter and terrifying anticipation rising in my throat. She often joked about it, laughing quite a bit when we talked, but I could hear worry in her voice. She truly is my best friend.

Christmas was getting closer every day and the snow proved it. Pure and fluffy, sitting lightly on the ground as it shimmers in the afternoon sun. Snow over Christmas is a blessing down here in Tokyo. In Hokkaido, it's abundant. I sometimes envy the mounds of it I see on the television. I love snow.

With school out of the way over the holidays and no exams to study for, there was a lot of free time on my hands. On a partly cloudy Thursday, Sae-chan came over to my house around three in the afternoon.

It was no sooner than she got in the door when she said, "Let's bake cookies! Christmas cookies!"

"You sound pretty set on cookies," I say, laughing afterward.

"Don't they sound good? And they're fun to make! We'll decorate them and everything. I'll run to the convenient store for ingredients if I need to," She replies, anxiousness shining in her eyes.

"I should have the stuff we need," I quickly check the cupboards of the kitchen mentally, "might be short on sprinkles though."

"We can manage without those."

She grabs me by the wrist and drags me into the kitchen. Digging through the cabinets, we are able to get the ingredients for a simple sugar cookie and powered sugar for the frosting. A mess was sure to happen, as well as lots of chatter.

"Have you and Souichirou done anything over the break?" I ask.

"We went out to lunch the day before yesterday. Went window shopping afterwards, too," Sae-chan says with a childish excitement.

"Sounds fun."

"It was," Sae-chan nods her head. "He's such a sweet guy. Have you spoken with Satoshi-kun lately?"

She was trying to hint something.

"Not for a couple of days. Oh, the agony," I reply sarcastically, grabbing my heart in a fist.

"Oh, come on," Sae-chan rolls her eyes, but ends up smiling. "You know you like to be near him."

I lower my voice as if someone were trying to eavesdrop. "I never said I didn't, but it doesn't mean I have to be close to him all the time. It's not like my sanity is at stake."

"But something else is!" Sae-chan says.

"What are you trying to imply?"

"Kasumi-chan, it's like you have the red thread tied around your pinkie," Sae-chan says as she begins cutting cookies out of the rolled dough. "The oddity of the situation is that it started with him giving you a love nip."

"Love nip?!" I almost spill the bag of powdered sugar.

"Okay, maybe that's just how I see it."

"Sae-chan," My eye begins to twitch.

"You even told me yourself, Kasumi-chan," Sae-chan says. "You admitted your feelings for Satoshi-kun. Start chasing them. Openly!"

"But…," I stutter.

"Don't even try to get out of it, Kasumi-chan," Sae-chan replies. "You guys are perfect for each other. And I'm not just saying that due to this whole supernatural vampire thing that's going on."

I didn't know what to respond to that. I'm not saying that my feelings for Satoshi have faded, but it's more of a feeling of fright that has come up as well. I'm scared of kindness it seems. The simple act of benevolence catches me off guard and makes me fear the potential out come. I've never really been close to anyone in my life besides Sae-chan. My sisters were constantly picking on me and teasing me, my parents were on eternal retirement, and I don't have many school friends due to my shy attitude and personality. Now that Satoshi is inching closer day by day, I'm terrified at how I'll react.

"I mean, you're not forcing yourself, are you?" Sae-chan asks.

"No," I shake my head.

"Good, because that would be a form of personal torture, Kasumi-chan, and I wouldn't stand for that."

"Ah! Kawaii!"

Sae-chan holds up a cream colored sweater with a bold burgundy stripe across the chest. Skipping over to the nearest manikin, she positions the sweater to make it look like it was being worn.

"I am not getting him a sweater, Sae-chan," I repeat myself for at least the fifth time. "I thought we were just going window shopping, but you've brought me into at least ten clothing stores."

"Satoshi-kun needs a new sweater! All he owns are black turtlenecks," Sae-chan says.

"And you know why…"

"Maybe if you got it for him, it would change his mind," Sae-chan suggests.

"He'd think I was trying to kill him."

"A gray sweater?" Sae-chan points to the next rack. "Or maybe the matching pants?"

"How about no clothes?" I say. "I was leaning more towards a pet bamboo or a wall scroll."

"Those are boring! You want to make it look like you put thought into it, Kasumi-chan!"

"I did put thought into it," I reply. "I imagine he gets incredibly lonely in that little hut. I mean, if I were living there, I'd probably go crazy. Cemetery shrines are supposed to house the wandering spirits, you know. Kowai yo!"

"Oh, calm down, Kasumi-chan," Sae-chan shakes her head. "You're taking this way too seriously. It's just a Christmas present, after all."

"Yes, I know," I nod. "However, Christmas presents from a girl to a boy, and vise versa, are very important! It shows you care about them, and if I were to get something too typical, it may ruin it."

Sae-chan stares for a moment. "You're taking this way too seriously."

"Okay, what are you going to get for Souichirou?"

"Oh?" A bit of color paints Sae-chan's cheeks. "I don't know yet."

I lift and eyebrow and tap my foot.

Sae-chan looks away, but eventually gives in. "Aw, alright!"

She pushes my back towards the door.

"No more clothing stores for today," She sighs.

After shopping with Sae-chan, I knew exactly what to give Satoshi for Christmas. IT wasn't so much a material good, but I believe it will make Satoshi happy. At least I hope so. It was even better after I arrived at home and looked at the calendar for Christmas Eve. It would be the night of the new moon.

I felt that I had a nice, sentimental gift, yet whenever I thought of it, a bitter pang would erupt in my chest. Was I doing this for my own personal enjoyment? The joy of Christmas is giving, not receiving, am I right? However, all I really want is to see Satoshi's smile. Sore daisetsu egao.

"That's not a present!" Sae-chan had said.

"Well, maybe, Satoshi will like it," I replied. "It's almost precisely what he asked for."

Christmas Eve… only a day away.

The next morning, I awoke later than usual. I was too caught up in a fabulous dream. I lay in bed; arms sprawled out at my sides, and stare at the ceiling. Trying to remember the detail, I strain my brain. IT was like a poor attempt at catching smoke with bare hands. Then, just like that, all the images vanished, like fog once the sun has risen. Rather disappointing, really.

Eventually, and half against my will, I climb out of bed. Walking over to my window, I draw back the shades. A giant wave of extreme fatigue swept over me and it felt as if my head was swelling to the size of a decent pumpkin. Collapsing to the floor, I blindly grab for the bottom of the curtains to pull them shut, but end in failure.

Futile, I thought.

Clumsily crawling to the corner of my room where the light couldn't reach, I try to relax. I squeeze my eyelids down, take deep, slow breaths; imagine it was night again and I was sleeping. Why was I reacting like this to simple sunlight? Sun… That gave me an idea for a temporary solution.

I hadn't worn sunglasses in such along time; they felt strange upon my face. My nose kept twitching, and I couldn't help but notice more people staring once I began to walk down the street. However, even with the shades on, I perceived I was squinting. The sunlight bounced right off the glittering snow and into your face. I thought it was bad enough when I was normal. This was ridiculous!

Recalling how much Sae-chan loved to snack, I stop in a convenient store on the way to her house to pick up a couple bags of goodies. The bell rings when I open the door of Korematsu and I tap the snow off my shoes onto the matt. The woman at the cash register waves with a smile.

"Kasumi-chan!" She says merrily. Korematsu-san and her husband knew my parents well. "I haven't seen you in a while! Ogenki desu ka?"

"Hai!" I nod. "Totemo genki desu!"

I sort of had to tell a little white lie. She was always so touchy about my parents' vacationing habits; I fear she'd insist I live with her instead if I were to ever mention myself not being happy.

"Good, good! Did you come in for groceries?"

"No, just snacks," I reply.

"Good, good! I hope you find what you need," She smiles.

"Arigatou," I say and stroll down aisle three towards the back wall where all the munchies were shelved.

Scanning over all the crackers and many bags of gummies and jelly cups, I finally settle on a bag of mixed Ichigo and Meron Daifuku (my favorite) and some Jane Jane (Sae-chan's favorite). Complete opposites in flavor will surely balance each other out.

A gloved hand on my shoulder nearly makes me jump out of my skin.

"Yo."

I turn to face Ryu.

"I wasn't expecting you," I say edgily. "What do you want?"

"Can I not have a simple conversation with you?" Ryu asks, leaning forward. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"I saw you last week at rehearsal for Ki no Sasayaki."

"Oh! So long a go, it was!" Ryu says dramatically. "Kasumi-senpai, why are you wearing sunglasses? You shouldn't hide blue eyes, when they're as lovely as yours."

"What do you want?" I repeat. His flattery was pathetic.

Ryu dropped the volume of his voice. "You've changed a lot lately, Kasumi-senpai. It doesn't help that you've been so chummy with that freak, Satoshi."

"Freak?" I say feeling quite angered. "Well, if Satoshi-kun is a freak, then so am I."

Of course, I couldn't explain why.

Ryu sighs and puts a sly look on his face. "Kasumi, what did I do to lose your trust?"

At first, I wanted to laugh, but I changed my mind. "Ryu-kohai, what made you believe I was ever taken with you?"

Ryu's face went blank, yet I could tell he was very offended. Which was, in fact, my goal in the first place.

His eyes dart to the bag of daifuku in my hand.

"Okashi ka? It'll go straight to your hips."

Ryu stuffs his hands into his coat pockets and leaves, after paying for a bottle of Ramune.

I smiled; satisfied.

I bring my selections to Korematsu-san and she rings them up, giving me a fifteen percent discount, and bids me farewell. She also suggested I stop by for dinner sometime next week, but I had to decline. The play would be preformed three out of the five weeknights and I didn't want to interfere with her routine, seven o'clock meal.

Sae-chan's house was only a few more blocks away. I follow the footsteps of previous pedestrians to entertain myself. My eyes were adjusting well to the new sunglasses and I was still feeling quite giddy about successfully getting my message across to Ryu. Such a jackass…

I reach Sae-chan's address and knock on the door.

"Dare desu ka?" She calls from inside.

"Kasumi desu!"

"Kasumi-chan? Come in! Come in! I forgot you were coming this afternoon," Sae-chan answers.

I step inside and take off my shoes and coat. After putting on the extra slippers by the door, I walk into the living room where Sae-chan was lounging on the couch, still in pajamas, watching taped re-runs of Iron-Chef.

Sae-chan laughs at the television. "Do you remember this one? Chairman Kaga wore the funniest sequins jacket! I think Sakai-san wins this one, but with a secret ingredient like that, how could he not?"
I laugh along and have a seat on the couch next to her. She finally turns to face me and her expression drops. With a slightly trembling finger, Sae-chan taps the lens of my sunglasses. She didn't seem to think such an object existed until now.

"No way," She whispers. "It happened, didn't it?"

I shake my head. "Not quite, Sae-chan, but I was little worried myself. My eyes are little sensitive today is all."

I grab the grocery bag. "I brought some Jane Jane and daifuku for us to share."

"Jane Jane!" Sae-chan perks up and wastes no time opening the bag and putting some in her mouth. Chewing a couple times, she looks up and asks quietly, "Daijoubu, ne?"

"Yeah," I say, reaching for a handful of Jane Jane for myself.

"So, tonight is the night, isn't it?" Sae-chan winks.

"I hope Satoshi-kun doesn't think it's too tactless," I reply.

Sae-chan pauses with half the dried octopus hanging from her lip. "Tactless? From what I know about Satoshi-kun, he won't think it's tactless. He definitely is one to interpret things differently, though. I'm guessing he'll love your intensions. It's a vampire thing, I believe."

I had to laugh at that remark.

After summoning my courage and watching about three episodes of Iron-Chef with Sae-chan, I leave her house around four o'clock. Though the sun was out, whatever clouds remained in the sky sent down small flurries of fluffy snow. The whole atmosphere of the day was making me so happy. Nice weather can always lift my spirits.

That evening, once the sun had set, I begin to walk toward Yousei Cemetery. Hardly anyone was outside. It was Christmas Eve, after all. Everybody was home with his or her families having a lovely, home-cooked meal. I made myself the traditional Christmas dishes, on a small scale of course, but it was nothing as special as having a crowded table of guests.

The cemetery looked as lonely as ever as I approached its gate. A couple of headstones had fresh bouquets of flowers resting gently on the snow; others were bare. One particular cross had a cute, hand-sewn, doll resting against it, with black button eyes and yarn for hair. The snow underneath my shoes crunched on the path, and I couldn't help but wonder if the noise attracted Hanako's attention, with it being so quiet before I arrived.

I knock on the shrine door and hear a bunch of rustling behind it. It sounded as if Satoshi were moving around a couple chairs and possibly a table. There was a louder clunk followed by a short exclamation (itta!), and Satoshi shortly opens the door. He looks down on me with a strange expression. Almost like he was expecting someone else. I give him a smile.

"How are you?"

"Fine," He answers. "You're wearing sunglasses."

"Oh, yeah, forgot about those," I say, gingerly touching the frames. "I couldn't stand the light this morning, so I put them on, and never really need to take them off."

"I see," Satoshi nods his head slowly. "Oh, come on in. Make yourself at home."

"Thanks."

"Well, what do you think?" Satoshi asks once he closes the door behind me.

It looked as if he tried to do what he could to spiff up the place. All the junk that cluttered the floor was either neatly tucked away out of sight or in a smaller pile in the corner. The floorboards didn't have the inch-thick layer of dust and actually resembled finely finished wood. His futon was made and the single light fixture in the center of the room had a working light bulb.

"Takadai!" I say and Satoshi laughs sheepishly behind me.

"Would you like some soda?" Satoshi asks, walking rather briskly over to the mini refrigerator. "I have soda now."

"I'd love some soda," I reply and have a seat at his table.

He places a bottle of strawberry soda in front of me and sits down across from me with his own soda.

I reach into a bag I brought along with me and pull out a plastic bag.

"I brought some cookies, if you're interested. Sae-chan and I baked them yesterday," I say, putting the cookies in the center of the table. "I also have this."

I hold out a small package, in a dark purple gift bag. Satoshi stares at it, lifting one of his heavy eyebrows. Sliding it across the table toward him, I eventually gave him the hint that it was a gift from me.

"Open it," I demand… kindly.

He peeks inside the bag and hesitates. After a quick ponder, he takes out a small pot with a long green stem sticking out. It had a single leaf.

"Aotake?" He asks, trying to ease the confused disgust in his voice.

I snicker. "It's sort of a joke more than a present, but enjoy none the less. You know, give it a name, water it once a week, and it will be fine."

Satoshi stares at me with a crooked smile on his face. "Aotake?"

"You're disappointed, aren't you?" I guess. "Well, that's only part of my present. You'll get the second part a littler later. We need to wait for it."

Satoshi scratches his head and looks down at the floor bashfully. "Um, I wasn't really expecting a present from you. I feel bad, because I don't have one to give you in return, um,"

"Don't worry about it," I reply. "I'm glad that I get to spend Christmas Eve with you. That's my present."

Satoshi looked up and I could see a bit of color rush to his face.

We sat at his table, talking well over a couple of hours. Whenever it seemed the topic had died, another would spring up, no matter how random or unanticipated. Satoshi had a quick wit, and it truly showed if you cornered him in a debate. I appreciated how he loved to talk. He used his hands often when speaking, lifting and narrowing his eyebrows with each emotion. I supposed I just loved to watch him.

Around midnight, I stop the conversation.

"May I give you the second part of your present now?" I ask.

Satoshi had forgotten. "Oh yeah! Sure."

I stand up and push my chair in. "Come on, then. It's outside."

He stands and well and I take his wrist, leading him out the door and down the steps. Trekking through the shallow snowdrifts around the small shrine, I continue to pull him to the back of the cemetery where there were fewer graves to trod on.

As I had predicted, most of the neighboring houses had retired for the night and had turned off their lights. I remove my sunglasses and wince at the first sight of the real night. I secure the glasses in my pocket and turn to Satoshi, who looked rather perplexed. I move closer to him and reach up to his own sunglasses to grab the frame. He slaps my hand away.

"What are you doing?" He asks.

"Hold on a moment," I reply softly. "Trust me."

Satoshi reluctantly puts his hands down at his sides and allows me to grasp his sunglasses and confiscate them. His eyelids were shut tighter than a clam's shell. He resembled a child about to get an injection by needle. Afraid it would hurt too much if he actually witnessed it happening. I brush away a stray eyelash from his cheek and he shudders.

"Satoshi-kun, open your eyes."

"No," He replies flatly.

"Please, Satoshi-kun?" I ask again. "Daijobu. Tsuki ga nai yo. The only like you'll see is from the stars."

Satoshi stretches out his hand blindly. I take hold of it and he squeezes.

His face relaxes and he slowly but surely opens his eyes. Blinking rapidly at first, he adjusts to the ambiance and looks around. There was nothing different about the cemetery than any other winter day. I just wanted him to see with his own eyes for once, instead of shadowing everything with black. I wanted Satoshi to see how any normal person would see.

"Mieru," Satoshi mumbles.

"Yokatta," I say.

Satoshi rests his eyes on me and smiles. "You're eyes are very blue. They're beautiful."

"Thank you."

"I would have never thought of this," Satoshi admits. "I don't remember the last time I went without those stupid glasses. It's like a weight has been lifted from me. Being able to see the earth in its natural colors, I have to confess, I am a bit overwhelmed."

"Do you like it?" I ask.

"Yes, very much, Kasumi."

My heart skipped a beat. Hearing his voice say my name, plain, and so smoothly, made me feel weak. Without thinking, I throw my arms around his neck in an awkward hug. He embraces me by putting his arms around my back without hardly any dithering. The hush of the night made the only audible sound our breathing, slow and calm. In that single moment, I couldn't have been more content with my life, no matter how strange it was or would become.

"How," Satoshi asks tenderly, "do I know if you're feeling the same thing I do right now?"

The wind blows by gently, sending a tuft of his hair into my face.

"You are just going to have to trust me."

Satoshi lets go all too soon for my liking, but only holds my face up with one of his hands and bends down to kiss me.

Bittersweet and pure, and undoubtedly cold, but it was perfect. First love: an amazing and difficult experience, but it was indisputably worth it.

--------------------

Japanese Romanji Translations!

Shintaku (the title) - Trust

Kawaii – Cute/adorable

Kowai yo – It's scary!

Sore daisetsu egao – That most precious smile

Ogenki desu ka? – How are you feeling/doing?

Hai – Yes

Totemo genki desu – I am very good

Arigatou – Thank you

Ichigo and Meron Daifuku – small sweet rice buns with Ichigo (strawberry) and Meron (honeydew melon) jam filling. Oh, I love these.

Jane Jane – Dried octopus snack. Heard they're really good, haven't tried them yet.

Ki no Sasayaki – (in case you don't recall…) Whispers of the Trees, name of the play

Senpai – (sometimes spelled sempai) an honorific signifying seniority

Kohai – opposite of senpai, an honorific signifying lower station

Okashi ka? – Sweets, huh?

Dare desu ka? – How's there?

Kasumi desu! – (Sort of obvious, eh?) It's Kasumi!

Iron-Chef – A Japanese cooking show, if you haven't seen this, it's on FoodNetwork at 11:00. Very entertaining show, it's fun to laugh at the pathetic dubbing. Yay, Chairman Kaga!

Daijoubu, ne? – You'll be alright, won't you?

Itta! – Ouch!/ That hurt!

Takadai! – Impressive!

Aotake – bamboo. Like the lucky bamboo you can guy in most malls. I have one

Daijoubu. Tsuki ga nai yo – Don't worry. The moon is gone/not there.

Mieru – I can see

Yokatta – Thank goodness/ I'm glad