Of Potions, rule breaking, skirts and tight shirts

"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"

-Alfred Hitchcock

I let out an irritated scream and stomped one foot moodily on the ground while Libby leisurely continued walking, dragging her fingers across the portraits she passed.

I jogged to catch up with her, but she paid me no attention.

"Kips! It's no use! We can't find the kitchens!" I cried, throwing my hands up in despair.

Libby continued to hum and sway her shoulders casually to the rhythm. She wasn't the slightest bit interested.

I groaned in frustration and grumpily sat on the floor, crossing my arms and legs. At this, Kips turned around and rolled her eyes.

"Lily, you really are pathetic." And she carried on walking.

I waited until Kips was about five portraits ahead before lying on my stomach and resting my chin on my hands. Suddenly, a portrait Libby had just walked past was flung open, sending Kips flying backwards. She landed with a dull thump on her backside.

"Found it!" She cried gleefully, attempting to clamber into the hole in the wall whilst trying to keep her pathetically short skirt (which just seemed to cover her butt cheeks) from riding up any higher.

"Slag." I muttered when I reached her. I pushed her back and she fell forwards into the kitchen. She stood up again and turned to face me, grinning like a hyena.

"At least I can wear short skirts." Came her feeble reply.

I gasped mockingly and attempted to pull my knee length skirt lower.

"Its not my fault I have my great aunt Dorothy's thunder thighs." I murmured.

Libby just grinned again and slapped my thighs when I had stumbled into the kitchen, making them wobble oh so slightly.

"Come running with me, loose that excess flab." Kips said, now pinching my waistline. I slapped her hand away and mumbled about how no normal person would dream of running for leisure.

She shrugged and turned around into a small dining area with one table, a few chairs and a fireplace.

I screamed slightly as a small grey-ish creature scampered past me. Kips looked unperturbed as the small...thing stood before us with its large tennis ball sized eyes gazing at us with awe.

"How can Tillie help you misses?" the small odd looking creature asked, tugging nervously at a filthy gray pillow case with three holes for a head and two arms.

"What thehell was that?" I asked under my breath after Kips had given it a long list of food.

Kips rolled her perfectly made-up eyes.

"A house-elf you twit." She answered, swaggering towards the rickety looking table with uncomfortable looking chairs situated around it, "Who else do you think makes our bed, cleans our clothes, tidies our dorm and cooks our meals?" she asked skeptically.

"Ur, I just thought well, I don't know! Paid illegal aliens or something! These things are paid right?"

Libby shook her head as a different house-elf carried a tray above its head, almost tripping on the uneven cobbled floor.

I gasped and went to help the poor thing, but once I grabbed the tray, it looked mortally offended and scampered off, bawling its eyes out.

I stared at it in shock and placed the tray carefully on the table. Kips immediately grabbed a donut and started munching. I, on the other hand walked in the direction of the crying house elf, and came to a small door that reached just above my waistline. I opened it cautiously and shrieked at the sight of 80 or so house-elves slaving away preparing food.

The room was roughly the size of the Great Hall, with stoves and cooling compartments lining the walls whilst four long tables stood majestically in the centre of the large room.

I checked my watch and noticed there was only five minutes until dinnertime. I grinned and crawled though the small door.

I stood up straight, as another elf rushed passed me, placing mashed potatoes on what I presumed was the Hufflepuff table.

I looked around the room once more, and then cried out in shock as a very small elf stood with a glass of pumpkin juice held out for me.

I thanked it kindly and then asked, "Do you by any chance know which table is the Gryffindor table?"

The small elf nodded and pointed at one, which had suddenly turned red.

"Oh! Thank you!" I said, patting it on its small head patronizingly.

"It's okay miss! Bumkin loves helping the students miss, because Bumkin likes the socks that the silly children forget to put away." Bumkin grinned and then lifted a toga-like sheet, which was wrapped around his waist slightly so I got a view of his grotesque purple and fluorescent green polka dotted fluffy socks that seemed to be emitting a greenish smoke of stink. I smiled encouragingly.

"Do you know James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin?" I asked, a merciless plan forming like a bubble in my head.

"Oh yes! Bumkin knows the misters very well indeed! They are Bumkins favourite visitors!" Bumkin exclaimed enthusiastically, whilst clapping his hands and jumping on the spot.

I nodded, smiling gleefully and handed Bumkin a small vial of sparkly purple liquid.

"This is a very special potion which will enhance their literacy. The next time they come for food, do you think you could put 9 drops in each of their drinks? But make sure they don't know, otherwise they may get into trouble." I said smoothly, attempting to look sincere.

Bumkin nodded and tucked the vial into a fold of his toga.

"Bumkin will make sure that Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Lupin and Mr. Black get this. They will be so happy that they is smarter!"

I thanked the small creature graciously and made my way back though the kitchen, which had calmed slightly from the ferocious cooking that, had taken place not too long ago, and crawled through the small door to find Kips gone.

"Stupid cow." I muttered as I climbed through the fruit portrait. As I jumped down, my skirt got caught on the corner of the portrait. I screamed slightly and over balanced, landing on the floor with my arms flaying out in front of me.

"Argh!" I groaned as I sat up, rubbing a now grazed knee. Hearing hysterical laughter behind me, I spun around on my bottom to face the portrait of the fruit.

Just before the portrait snapped shut, I saw the smirking face of Potter and Black and I heard one shout, "Nice knickers Evans!"

O' you will get what's coming to you, I thought, grinning maliciously as I pushed myself up off the floor and skipped along to find Libby.