A/N: Omg I'm sooo sorry I haven't updated like any of my stories for a while!! I got into this huge fight with my dad and he like threatened to break my computer if I took it out so I probably would have had like 2 chapters for all of my fics by now but I did the best I could as soon as I got the computer back hope you like it : )

MY HEAD IS GIVINE ME LIFE OR DEATH…

-SAM'S POV-

Dean never had to ask.

Dean never had to ask why I went to Stanford.

At the risk of sounding like an idiot it surprised me. I figured the question would come up eventually. As if there was some sort of answer other than the obvious.

So I'll say it now. I'll set it in stone so no one else wonders. I left for normalcy. And when everything went south and my world slowly started to fall apart, I still craved and search for that normalcy I had for those two years. I search for normalcy on hunts. I search for it in motel rooms. I search for it with the people I save, with the people I hurt.

I search for normalcy in my brother.

Well fuck that.

Because there's no way any of the past 30 minutes events translate into normalcy.

Ahh rise and shine sunshine, let's see what today brings you. Never mind because your day has already decided. Your day is a bit tied up. Your day is drugged and handcuffed to a toilet. Your day is gagged.

Your day? It's fucked.

And how was your morning? Did you wake with the rising sun? Yawn and stretch your arms with a hint of grogginess clouding your thoughts and vision. Did you wake with innocence and peace? Did you wake with normalcy?

No. I didn't. I woke with a brother pinning me down and then with a cloth shoved in my face. The smell made me want to throw up and I battled so hard, so fucking hard to not breath it in. I begged and pleaded. Say 'please' over and over like he gives a damn.

And why is he doing this again?

Rise and shine sunshine let's splash some cool water on your face. Let's try waking up the normal way. Because us normal folk like to wake up with some cool water. We like to wake up a nice shower and our hair pulled back tight. We're brought back to reality with a sweet 'good morning' or possibly a simple 'how'd you sleep?'.

Rise and shine sunshine. Wake up! Wake up only to be forced into sleep again.

Everything's going black. My awareness is being sucked away and my brother's doing it. I bet he doesn't understand this but he's taking away my normalcy. And that's like taking everything.

I don't even want to think what's going to have changed when I wake up. Where I'll be, where my brother will be. What he'll have done and if it'll be good or bad. Beneficial or detrimental. Will he have fixed all of this or dug us deeper into the hole. And I keep talking about wanting my brother to save me. Keep asking for some goddamn help with this burden. I keep asking for help and I can't even trust him.

Yeah but ask yourself this. Would you trust someone trying to knock you the fuck out.

Rise and shine sunshine let's fix some breakfast. Two eggs for you, two toasts for me. A coffee with one Splenda and half and half. The other with whole milk and two teaspoons of brown sugar, Or is it skim and equal? Sweet n' low and 2? No never mind.

Rise and shine sunshine here's your goddamn glass of water.

I wake up in the bathroom. I gotta say as I weighed my options of where I'd be joining the land of the 'awake' I didn't really think of here. I'm in my boxers and a t-shirt crammed into the corner against the wall and the cold toilet. My ass is on the cold tile. My head is slumped forward uselessly.

And I can't really think straight but I'm not exactly sure.

I think I'm gagged. I think I'm sweating. I think some one beat me up, someone stuffed me here and left me, never to return. I don't think it was Dean. And is this my motel bathroom? I don't remember. I'm gonna be sick. I gotta hurl but I've got this gag in my mouth.

Rise and shine sunshine I'm gonna read the morning paper. I'll settle down in my chair along with today's tragedies. I'll read aloud the parts I find interesting. I'll read the headlines like an opening to a speech. And what happened last night? What happened this morning just soon enough to make print? And where's the paper anyways?

Rise and shine sunrise your newspaper is a man's voice in the other room. That's the only tragedy worth hearing.

He's whispering Latin and I think I'm gonna be sick. I hear him pacing and – and I feel like I'm gonna be sick. And he's sighing frustrated breaths and – and he's angry at someone or himself or me and I think I'm gonna be-

Stop thinking Sam just - just stop talking. Just try and make some sense to yourself and all the other people listening.

I can tell my mind is hazy. I know I'm not being myself.

I look around with confused and useless eyes. This bathroom holds no answers. I look down at the blanket wrapped around me and feel the soft pillow behind my head. I didn't even notice until now that the blanket covers my chained hands from the public. Makes my imprisonment invisible to everyone, even myself. A perfect mask. What an awesome disguise.

I'm gonna be sick. As if I haven't said that enough. I see all these set ups around me. They look like they took thought and preparation. Like the person who did this thought they had a solution to every possible obstacle. I can't really reach the door since my hands are chained. I can't lift the glass so there's a straw in it. I tucked tightly in a blanket. The pillow is already perfectly placed beneath my head. They knew I was gonna be sick so they put me in front of the toilet.

But even with all these perfect precautions there's still one major flaw. This stupid gag.

Tell me how to throw up with a gag in my mouth. Tell me how to drink from a straw with a gag in my mouth. And you know what? I bet I can get that door open. I bet I can lean down and undo my gag. This person was rushed. This person was thinking to much. This person wasn't doing their best work.

And by the way I've got this killer headache, think you could get me an aspirin?

Alright Sam. You're a hunter. You're a Winchester. What would Dean do in this situation? What would dad do? They'd kick that goddamn door open. They'd untie the gag. They'd rip their hands from those chains even if it meant breaking the pipe.

But then again if I was dad or Dean I probably wouldn't have gotten into this situation in the first place.

I shake that pointless blanket off of me and the pillow falls too. I flip around even though the action makes me dizzy and lay flat on my stomach. My legs are up against the wall and this position is extremely awkward but I don't really have a choice, do I?

I use my hands to untie my gag and take the first opportunity to empty my stomach in the toilet. I try and do it quietly because I don't want whoever's out there to hear. After a few more times I'm able to stop myself. I let myself fall to the floor and then try to figure out what to do.

I know I have a paperclip in my pocket but there's no way I'm gonna be able to reach it. I savagely rip at my cuffs, pulling them as hard as I can. I feel then digging into my skin and soon after the skin break. My wrists are cut and raw for no reason cuz I'm still where I started.

I let my head drop on to the top of my hands and flinch when I feel the strangely sharp handcuffs make a thin cut in my forehead. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure there's already a bump forming there. I'm so pathetic.

I better just call out. Maybe they'll come through the door and I can kick them. Maybe I can make Dean proud and dig myself out of this.

"Hey!" I call out as loud as I can. I hear someone coming and quickly pull myself into a position where I'll be able to kick them when they try to come in.

The door knob is turning slowly and I brace myself for the worst. Man am I surprised when I see Dean emerge in the doorway.

"Dean…" I breath, "Thank god…"

Hmm this is interesting. If he had been looking for me he probably would have said 'Sammy' or 'Sam' by now. He would have unlocked my cuffs. I would be out of here by now if he wanted me out.

He looks awkward and rubs his eyes before kneeling down next to me. He runs his hands through his hair and looks troubled.

Uh hey Dean! I'm the one tied up here!

He picks up the gag and I just look at him confused. What the hell is he doing?

"Dean… Unlock the cuffs." I say since it's obvious. He does nothing but fingers the gag. I can't help my mouth from falling open. His eyes are looking down and I try to find them as I say, "What's going on? Where are we?"

Dean sighs and looks at me a little worried, "We're in the motel bathroom, Sam."

I look around and recognize this room for the first time and say, "Ok… Why am I handcuffed to the toilet?"

I look at Dean's eyes and realize they're red with tears. He's holding the gag firmly now in one of his hands and he's looking my lap like he doesn't know what to say. I'm trying to use my eyes to get him to talk, no wonder he's not looking at them.

"Dean." I whisper.

He looks down at me, "I have to take care a few things." He says firmly. He holds up the gag a little higher and I shake my head.

"No way Dean." I say. He sighs again and pushes the gag to my mouth. I close my mouth tight and press my teeth hard together so he can't put the gag on. He continues to try and I can tell he's getting frustrated but I'm not gonna let him gag me again.

I can tell he's on the verge of real tears when he whispers, "Come on, Sammy…" in a broken voice. I can tell this is just as hard for him as it is for me.

He gently takes his hand and holds my nose. I try and hold it, but eventually I need air and I open my mouth a little but it's enough for him to shove that goddamn piece of fabric in my mouth. I feel the unwanted tears falling down my cheeks. Why is my brother doing this to me? Why can't he trust me?

"Don… Don't untie it again… ok?" he asks awkwardly. I don't so much as nod, all I do is glare at him. I'm sure I look ridiculous – glaring like an angry child. But there's not much else I can do. Not much else to try and convince Dean to take off this goddamn gag.

His eyes roam over my face and I see a small tear trickle down his cheek. This hurts him, this really hurts him. He kneels down in front of me and reaches for one of those washcloths on the bar above the toilet. He wets it in the sink and gently soothes my stinging wound. He presses the cloth lightly and continues talking.

"It's just… I have to take care of this witch… I have to save you. I'm gonna get her here and waste her I just… I just want to make sure your safe… You know…" Dean chuckled lightly and continued, "You sort of a control freak… I don't want you to do or say something to get yourself hurt…" he stops for a minute and then looks down at my raw wrists and frowns. He begins to soothe those wounds too and then starts talking again, "I didn't want to do it this way… I just didn't know how else to keep you safe… But I promise. As soon as that bitch is dead, I'll un-cuff you and take off the… gag… and it'll all be over. Ok?"

I probably would have said something but the gag stopped me from. I didn't want to nod or shake my head so I just let my eyes slip downwards, away from the hopeful ones of my brother. He sighed and I watched his movements from the corner of my eye. He slowly reached for the cup and pushed the straw into my mouth.

"Here, try and drink…" he whispered. I didn't want to do what he said at first, but the gift of water seemed to good to pass up and took a few slow sips still not daring to look up at my brother. A little before I was done he pulled it out and whispered, "It'll be over soon. That witch will come… I know it'll work."

He set the cup down and put a hand on my shoulder lightly before standing up to leave. I think he looked at me one last time before leaving, but I kept my eyes down, trying not to notice.

Rise and shine sunshine let's see if this plan will work. Because you've counted and Dean's been reciting that speech over and over for at least two hours. You're first option was to do everything you could to get out of that room and stop your brother, but when you realized the ritual wasn't working, you calmed yourself down. You felt relief. You felt happiness. You felt all your hope gone. You felt your last chance failing. You felt a huge oxie moron.

Your brother's voice is distressed. He keeps reading that ritual over and over. Like the twelfth time would be any different from the first. Like sounding like a broken record will just annoy the witch into showing up.

Your brother is desperate, sunshine. Your brother is holding on so tightly to the little hope he has left. Your brother is in denial.

Sunshine, your brother's stupid enough to think this'll work.

Sunshine, you've had everything taken away. Your freedom to help. Your freedom to move. Your normalcy. Your hope. You're just this near-evil hunk of self pity cuffed to a toilet by your brother. You're a goddamn hunter. You do a job no one knows about. You live a life no one would believe. You're cursed and in less than one day you're gonna turn evil.

Your family is dead, sunshine! Everyone you love is gone! Everyone except the person who cuffed you here. The one that's willing to get himself hurt possibly killed to save you. Doesn't he realize that if this witch did come it would probably hurt him. Even if he killed her he could be seriously injured and you're locked in here unable to get to him. That you, sunshine, will probably be the reason for his death.

Why is everyone so obsessed with saving you, sunshine?

I hear a book fly across the room and connect with the wall. I hear a table thrown over and I wonder if maybe it worked, maybe she's here. I scramble to get myself free but stop.

"Goddamitt!" he bellows. The witch isn't here. He's just realizing it doesn't work.

I hear him crumble to the ground leaning up against the wall right behind me. I bet he doesn't even know it but we're back to back. I'm here trying to comfort him and he doesn't even know it.

He stands up and I hear him breathing hard – panting actually. He stomps over to the bathroom door and throws it open. There he is standing in the doorway panting, his face wet with tears. I do nothing but look at him through sympathetic eyes.

He doesn't know what to say so I'm guessing he says nothing. Just quietly bends over and unlocks my cuffs. He doesn't say it didn't work because he knows I know. He doesn't say he's sorry because he knows I know. He doesn't nothing because I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I know Dean. I know.

I rub my wrists for a second before reaching up and untying my gag. I grasp the toilet and pull my self to my feet. My cramped body aches and protests but I need to stand next to my brother now. He needs me next to him.

He walks out of the bathroom and I follow leaving my makeshift prison behind. I sit down on the bed and take a look at the destruction. It's not too much.

He walks to the window and gazes out. We're in silence for a few minutes before I finally break it.

I don't know what to say so I just say how I really feel.

"I'm sorry."

He turns around and looks at me. He knows I mean I'm sorry his plan didn't work and I'm expecting him to say something stupid like I shouldn't be sorry, but I'm relieved when he just nods and begins to clean up his mess.

So sunshine look at your brother. Look at what you've caused. Look at his hurt. Look at his fear. It's all on you, sunshine. And guess what? You've get less than a day left.

And what is it you've been doing? Searching for normalcy?

Well good fucking luck, champ.

Because you're never gone find it.