Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto...if I did, we would only be up to episode 12, and the last episode would have aired over a year ago...and all the fans would have found out where I lived and beat me up for not updating faster.
Positive Prognosis
It is a well known fact that to a screaming mob, there is no greater thrill than that of the chase. Feet pound the ground, blood pumps furiously through adrenalin-charged veins, eliminating all rational thought, and the scent of the prey, the scent of fear, drives the pursuers mad.
So that when the prey can be seen only a short distance ahead, standing alone and defeated, it means that victory is nigh and the fruits of triumph may soon be enjoyed to the fullest.
In most cases, that is.
But when that prey is a lazy Konoha jounin with an IQ of over 200, and his hands are forming a secret seal and there is that particular smirk on his face, it means something quite different.
It means, Checkmate.
Every girl in the horde suddenly felt as if her limbs had been coated in concrete. Halting abruptly, they stood unmoving, but not by their own will. Something was stopping them, immobilizing them. They were helpless, completely under the power of the mysterious force which froze them in place.
Nara Shikamaru looked up thankfully at the heavy cloud cover which had cast its ominous shadows over the village, and let his smirk broaden.
"Mass shadow binding jutsu, successful." He whispered the words softly, almost under his breath.
-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
Not far from the marketplace where a young man of the Nara clan was facing his destiny, three kunoichi were skimming lightly over the rooftops, leaving startled cats and ruffled laundry in their wake.
"Ah, Sakura-san, where are we going?" asked Hinata, panting slightly. She was beginning to regret her choice in unseasonably thick padded jackets, and moreover had a nagging feeling that she was forgetting something important.
"To my office."
"And why are we going there?" asked Ino as she dodged a clothesline strung like a tripwire across the roof, "I thought we were going to go save Shikamaru from certain molestation?"
Sakura flashed a determined smile at her friends. "That's exactly what we're going to do, trust me."
Hinata looked even more worried, and Ino rolled her eyes.
"Fine, be all cryptic about it then, you know we'll follow you anywhere, O wise one. It's not like I have anything better to do for lunch," the blonde girl exclaimed melodramatically. At those words, Hinata let out a sudden gasp of horror and came to a dead halt at the edge of the rooftop they were traversing. Her pale hands flew to cover her mouth, and her milky white eyes were wide with anguish.
Sakura and Ino stopped and turned back to see the cause of the shy girl's distress.
"Hinata! What's wrong?"
"Don't stop on the edge of a roof like that! It's dangerous!"
But Hinata hardly seemed to hear them. She was whispering something to herself over and over, face pale with shock.
If the two girls had been close enough, they might have heard her horrified mutterings.
"I totally forgot. How could I forget? I can't believe I forgot about him."
-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
Still trying to decide whether his new status as third wheel in Naruto and Hinata's relationship would entitle him to accompany them on their honeymoon, or whether it merely gave him the right to hibernate on the couch in their future shared living room, Uchiha Sasuke walked into Ichiraku Ramen. His eyes immediately began roving the room, searching for the stack of empty bowls which would alert him to his best rival's presence.
Ah, there he was. The blindingly orange jacket and blonde hair were hard to miss. That, and the ominously wavering tower of crockery which sat on the counter beside him.
…And that was all that sat beside him. Naruto was alone. Black eyes flicked to the clock on the wall, and widened in surprise. It was past lunch time; well past, in fact.
Where on earth is Hinata? I thought Naruto and she were having lunch together? Why isn't she here?
Perplexed, the Uchiha walked over to the counter, and sat down at the blonde's side. Naruto was deep in the throes of gastronomic bliss, his face covered by his bowl as he tipped it up to slurp the last dregs of soup like a starving man. He didn't notice Sasuke until the bowl clunked back down, empty, on the counter.
"Ah, that was so good. I could sure do with another one -" Even as the words left Naruto's lips, a fresh bowl of hot ramen plunked onto the counter in front of Sasuke, who wordlessly slid it across to his loudly-dressed rival.
"Eh!? I can have this? Thanks Sasuke!" Without further questioning, Naruto fell to.
"Will there be anything else for you, young sir?" The old man asked Sasuke politely.
"I'll have my usual, thank you."
With a nod, the old man turned and shouted, "One tomato salad and an ice water!" before moving away to deal with the leaning tower of Naruto's bowls. As the daily lunch partner and chief financier of their best customer, only Uchiha Sasuke could order salad in Ichiraku Ramen without getting kicked out.
The dark-haired young man turned to face his friend, trying to look nonchalant as he leaned an elbow on the counter.
"So….dobe…where's uh, where's Hinata? Did you guys break up already or something?" Sasuke quickly modulated the overly hopeful tone in his voice, "Did she have to leave on, like, a 2 year mission? Or did she just stand you up?"
Naruto turned to look at him in surprise, noodles hanging from his mouth.
"Hinata, standing me up…what are you talking about?"
"Idiot," The Uchiha rolled his eyes, "Didn't you say that I didn't have to buy you ramen today, because you were having lunch with her?"
"Huh? Did I say that – oooh yeaah…." The blonde slurped up the last of his noodles as he remembered, then grinned sheepishly, "Whoops, I guess I totally forgot about meeting her here. Hehe, the noodles are just so good today!"
Sasuke resisted the urge to smack him in the head. "You're not the one who forgot, dead last. It's Hinata who hasn't shown up."
Naruto looked around the restaurant, which only confirmed Sasuke's statement, then turned his gaze back to his friend, looking vaguely hurt. "Yeah, you're right; she hasn't come. Huh."
Sasuke's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Shouldn't you be a little more surprised? Hurt? Angry?" Does this mean that Naruto doesn't care about her after all?
"Hm…" A thoughtful frown appeared on the blonde ninja's face, "Well, I don't know, I mean, Hinata's not the kind of girl to just stand a guy up, like, she's really nice and honest. I'm sure she has a good reason for not coming. Besides," the frown gave place to a teasing grin, and Naruto leaned over to fling an arm around Sasuke's shoulders, giving the stoic shinobi an affectionate squeeze, "I've always got you to buy me ramen and stuff, right Sasuke? Hehe."
The dark-haired jounin felt, to his horror, insidious warmth creeping up his neck. He recognized it as an emotion; specifically, happiness. Even worse, his facial muscles were twitching painfully, forming an unaccustomed expression. He guessed it was a smile; his first clue being when Naruto's blue eyes went round as saucers, and Konoha's number one noisiest ninja fell off his stool, then scrambled up into a seated position, aiming a shaking finger at the Uchiha's face.
"SASUKE! Is that a smile? Dude, WARN me before you pull one of those out, I swear! Quick, has anyone got a camera!?"
"Idiot." Sasuke snorted then turned back to the counter to start on his salad, which had just arrived, accompanied by an ice water. The thought that now was a prime opportunity to maliciously undermine Hinata in her absence briefly crossed his mind, but looking at his blonde friend, who was still clutching at his chest, raving about how Sasuke needed to show a wider variety of facial expressions, so as to desensitize the public to the shock, the Uchiha decided that Hinata had enough of a battle ahead of her to win Naruto's heart.
I don't need to make things any harder for the poor girl; at least, not until they're officially dating. Nobody steals my best rival without working for it.
A slightly evil smirk appeared on his shapely lips, and Naruto surreptitiously stole a gulp of the dark-haired boy's ice water. The noisy shinobi wasn't sure what had put his best friend into such a good mood, but he shrugged it off and turned his mind to more important matters, like whether or not he should get an extra egg in his next bowl of ramen.
-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
Shikamaru was careful to keep his breathing slow and steady as he faced the army of immobilized females no more than a few metres in front of him. The temptation to curl up into the foetal position and start hyper-ventilating was almost over-powering. Grimly, he fought it off, knowing that even a moment's lapse in concentration could perhaps break his control and that if that happened, he could kiss freedom goodbye.
Apart from himself and the fangirl horde, the street was deserted. In his peripheral vision, he could see a few faces peering fearfully out of shop windows, but no one was making a move to head outside.
Well, at least the innocent civilians are safe. For the moment.
He took a deep breath. Ok, here goes nothing. In a loud voice, Shikamaru asked of his captive audience,
"So, who likes to play chess?"
He was met with dead silence. Of course the girls couldn't reply, as his control on the jutsu was so tight that none of them could move their lips. It was a good start anyway.
"Well, I like to play chess. A lot. In fact that's pretty much what I like to do in my spare time. I love to play chess for hours against old men, because they're the only ones who can give me a decent game."
More silence, but silence with a decidedly puzzled air to it. Shikamaru could see the girls' eyes swiveling back and forth at each other in unspoken questioning. Encouraged, he continued.
"There's something else I like to do in my spare time, and that's lie around staring up at the sky, cloud-watching. I really, really enjoy it. You could even say it's my passion!"
He paused, and gave his best impression of Gai sensei's "Burning Flame of Youth" grin. His teeth didn't quite go ping! but it had the desired effect; an almost unnoticeable ripple of horror swept over the throng.
"My dream is to quit being a ninja and lie around doing nothing all day, earning no money. Anything else would be too troublesome." Shikamaru laughed brightly, a move he had seen Kakashi sensei pull on his latest genin students when he turned up to meet them 3 hours late on a cold and rainy morning, "Actually "too troublesome" is one of my favourite phrases! A friend calculated that I say it at least 57 times in an average day. I also think women are especially troublesome!"
The pony-tailed jounin felt the physical force exerted by the girls on his jutsu ease off ever so slightly. He relaxed his hold just enough to allow facial expressions to appear. They were ranging from bewildered to unimpressed. So far so good.
"When I say that women are troublesome, that doesn't mean I don't want to get married; of course I do! Then my wife can do all the work and support me. It'll be great! Oh, and she can have two kids, a boy and a girl, and then we'll grow old and die at the same time, having never taken a family holiday together. I think that's the best life, don't you?"
He finished with a flourish and grinned Naruto's I-just-obliviously-said-something-ridiculous-and-offensive-what-do-you-think?-grin which usually earned him a whack on the head from Sakura.
The strain on his jutsu was now at a minimal level, and the facial expressions were firmly centred around 'definitely unimpressed' and 'highly insulted.'
Perfect!
Slowly, carefully, the shadow user eased off on the jutsu a little more, enough to allow speaking. An immediate murmur sprang up among the girls. Shikamaru could hear some of the snatches of conversation.
"I can't believe Shikamaru-sama said that!"
"Shikamaru-sama likes chess!? But my grandfather plays that!"
"He'll have no money if he quits being a ninja!"
"Doesn't his smile remind you of that creepy genin sensei with the eyebrows?"
"I don't want a weird guy who has a-a passion for clouds!"
"What a chauvinist!"
"I'm not going to support some loser who wants to lie around the house all day!"
Everything seemed like it was going according to plan. For over the last few tumultuous weeks, Nara Shikamaru had formed a theory about crazed fan girls. A theory that they were in love with an image, not a person; with fantasy, not reality, and that when they were confronted with the truth, plain and simple, there would be nothing left to obsess over and spy on in the shower. That, plus Ino had been telling him since they were twelve that he had such boring and creepy interests that no girl would go out with him in a fit. It seemed that she had been right all long.
"Who cares about who he is! He still looks hot! I say jump him anyway!"
The lone voice rang out above the murmur. Shikamaru went cold. Another voice spoke up.
"Why not? I didn't run all this way for nothing!"
"Yeah, let's go!"
You've got to be kidding me.
The pony-tailed ninja felt the pressure on his jutsu increase suddenly. So suddenly, and so severely, that his control slipped. It slipped and broke. There was a few seconds lag as the girls realized that they could move again. For a moment, everything seemed to stand still.
At this crucial instant, from a doorway somewhere to his left and a little behind him, Shikamaru heard a distinct click, accompanied by a flash of light.
A camera?
There was only one shinobi in Konoha, no, probably in Fire Country, who would be taking photos at a time like this. A smirk spread across the shadow user's face as his course of action became clear.
He SO deserves this.
The fastest girls pounced with one accord; Shikamaru watched them come, sailing through the air toward him as if in slow motion, renewed determination written in every line of their straining bodies. Mid-flight, none of them had time to register, let alone react, to the very familiar, academy-level seal the young jounin's practiced fingers completed in a split second.
Kawarimi no jutsu!
The first wave of girls were soon overcome, and squashed beneath the tide of females behind them, each one determined to take some compensation for their long, grueling chase. It was not until the whole crowd was heaped up in a comical pile, the kind of scrum parody only found in cartoons, that the girls realized something was terribly wrong with the man they had mass-glomped.
Number one, he was not wearing glasses.
Number two, although he had a ponytail, it was not black, but white.
Number three, he was not Nara Shikamaru.
And number four; he was the very last shinobi that any girl not being paid by the hour would want to be glomping.
Jiraiya, one of the Legendary Sannin, the Toad Hermit, esteemed author of the Icha Icha Paradise Series and its spin-off bestseller, Icha Icha Violence, was one happy ninja.
Sure he was a little miffed at losing his camera during the split second body replacement jutsu. After all, he had been in the middle of gathering pictorial data for his next novel, but then again, as an author, what could be better than writing from personal experience?
"Well, well, well, what to do with so many lovely women all at once? Never fear ladies, there's plenty of Jiraiya-sama to go around!"
Amidst gasps of horrified recognition, the girls closest to him began to scramble in a panic, trying to get up, but it was too late. A particularly wicked glint appeared in the Sannin's dark eyes, as his hands formed a secret seal and his voice rose in a triumphant shout.
"Secret Forbidden Technique: MASS GROPE JUTSU!"
The squeals that ensued could be heard echoing until the Valley of the End.
Author's Note: And there we have it, the last chapter of this fic...ok fine, there is an epilogue, a few different scenarios, I just have to decide which one to use. Thank you so much to all the wonderful reviewers who encouraged (read, "threatened") me until I squeezed out this last chapter. I couldn't have done it, and wouldn't have done it without you all. Actually I finished this a few days ago, but wouldn't let me upload it for some reason...grrr. I hope you liked this chapter! And look out for the epilogue...