Wow, it has been a while, but I'm back again. I've been working hard, but I finally broke away and got some time to write:
She walked in a special way, that way that walkers walk when they feel…walky. She was gorgeous, amazing, perfect, and many others things that can not be defined until the word "Omni-super-pro-i-wanna-screw-it-so-badly-awesome" is invented in 3028 after the War of the Clusterfuck between men and the mole people.
But paying no mind to that, she continued to walk in that "oh so beautiful" way; for she was Jane "Ai Hime" Swanson: a world famous singer and dancer by day, and a missing ninja from every country by night. She just never liked any village very much. She had tried all of them, but once she got to a Jonin rank, she became bored and used her bloodline to manipulate time to make herself an academy student in another village while still retaining all her previously acquired ninja knowledge. It was tiresome, but she was misunderstood, seeing as she was abused as a child by her parents every night until a fire tragically killed them. Jane was so sad, she wept for one hundred days, despite all the previous beatings inflicted upon her.
And so, Jane continued on with her life, always pushing forward, until she pushed backwards to a new village. Few people knew about her amazing ability, and those who did would ask her, "Jane" before being interrupted by a loud grunt. Said friend would then sigh, and say, "Ai Hime," to which Jane immediately perked up, "If you can manipulate time, why don't prevent the abuse done to you by your parents? Or why not at least go back for revenge?" Jane would simply chuckle to herself before thrusting her chest into her friend's face. Jane was lucky that she was so attractive to both men and women, and she was especially proud of her chest. It was unfortunate that a fist surrounded by lightning had just punched through it.
Sasuke retracted his fist, grabbed the thing in front of him and began to pummel it. Each blow to that thing seemed to carry the next one, like an elegant waltz; the first blow was strong, while the second was a weaker, and the third set up the thing for another strong blow.
1 2 3, 1 2 3, 1 2 3
After many combos, Sasuke grabbed the thing and threw it up into the air, which he promptly jumped up to and, using his lion combo, knocked it back down to the ground. While still floating in mid-air, he formed some hand signs and thought to himself, 'Fire Style: Grand Fireball Jutsu!' before unleashing a huge ball of fire downward and onto the thing below him. He then unleashed his cursed seal and, using his wings, he flew into high the air while charging his second and final Chidori for the day. Once he could no longer see anything but trees, he rocketed back towards the earth and slammed the Chidori into the now badly burned thing beneath him.
When Sai finally caught up to Sasuke, he had to lean on a tree in order to catch his breath. Panting heavily, he kept moving until he saw a huge crater where the road used to be, in which Sasuke was currently poking a corpse with a stick. Sai looked at it, and based on the pelvis shape, as all that was left of the torso area was the skeleton, he assumed it was, or at least at once was, a girl.
Sasuke continued to poke it with a stick.
"Sasuke, what did you, and what are you doing to that dead girl?"
Sasuke stopped poking the girl, looked up at Sai, back at the girl, back at Sai, pulled out a small notebook from his pockets, flipped a few pages in it, and looked back at the girl.
"Sorry, I thought you were a deer." Sasuke said.
Chapter Six – The Knight of Cydonia
"Well, aside from your "Sue-icidal" tendencies, we seem to be in good condition for the final battle, despite being down a man. According to the instructions, there should be a castle up ahead, where you'll fight some dragon, and save Sakura." Sai said nonchalantly. Even with Naruto being…preoccupied, they would still head towards their goal.
"Right, let's get moving" The two promptly took off down the road. Soon the road disappeared as they leapt into the air and began to jump from tree to tree. Sasuke wished he could deny it, but he was actually looking forward to saving Sakura. Finally, the glorious Uchiha clan would return to its former power. He became anxious, and his heart began to beat faster when he saw the tower rise out in front of him. He stopped about a hundred yards from it, and saw Sakura, dressed as a princess, looking out over the top balcony ten stories up. Unfortunately, there was a giant dragon in between them. It was immobile, but a dragon none the less.
"Hey Sakura! Get down here!" Sasuke yelled, only to be ignored by the maiden.
"I'm…uh…here to rescue you!" Sakura continued to ignore the boy.
"I…love you?" Sasuke shrugged. Sakura sighed, left the balcony, and upon returning, threw a large pile of papers at Sasuke's feet. "Just read everything with your name next to it!" she yelled.
Sasuke picked up the stack of papers. It looked like some kind of script. Rolling his eyes, he flipped to the page marked THIS IS WHERE YOU FIGHT THE DRAGON, STUPID.
"Dearest…Princess," Sasuke mumbled in a monotone, "I am here to rescue you."
"Oh brave knight, I would love for that, but I am helpless, and there is a dragon here protect me through!"
Sasuke stared at the pages in disbelief, none of this made any sense! He continued on in a monotone voice, "Points to Dragon: I will slay thee, Dragon! Stands Triumphantly: I am the stronger best Knight in the entire world. Proceeds to draw sword-"
"Sasuke! Stop reading the stage directions!" Sakura yelled.
"You told me to read everything with my name in front of it!" Sasuke barked back.
"You're ruining the artistic beauty of this story!"
"This 'story' doesn't even make grammatical sense!"
"Just do it or I'll beat you senseless!" Sakura shrieked.
"Aren't you supposed to be helpless?"
"GET ON WITH IT!"
"FINE!" Sasuke yelled. "Dragon! I'm here to kill you!"
The dragon began to move, slowly opening its mouth, speaking in a deep voice, "I am your final test: The Great Dragon of Shadows, Lord of Undead, Commander of the-"
"I can see the strings Sakura! Just skip to the end so I can kill it!"
Sasuke heard some muffled cursing. "Very well!" the dragon yelled, now sounding distinctly female and annoyed. "The final test is to do the impossible! I have the power to do anything that you, Sasuke the Uchiha Genius, can not do!"
"Then how come you don't have an erection?" Sai yelled out, for which he was quickly hit by Sasuke.
"This is stupid!" Sasuke yelled, only to be promptly struck by a tree the dragon shot out of its mouth.
Landing hard on his head, Sasuke quickly jumped back to his feet. The great dragon roared, shooting all sorts of objects out of its mouth toward Sasuke. Sharingans blazing red, the boy easily dodged the volley of trees, ran under the barrage swords, ducked between the pillars of lava, only to be hit by a TV. After hitting the ground, Sasuke immediately got back up and charged the dragon, before being knocked back to the ground again, but this time by a rock. Bouncing back, he charged again, only to be hit by a chair; the next attack a Gaara plush doll; after that a lion.
It was at this point that Sasuke began to think that he might need to reformulate his plan of attack. He tried to call to Sai for help, but the young artist seemed to be preoccupied with counting how many bristles were in his brushes. Heavily injured, and exhausted from all the day's events, Sasuke gave up. He fell onto his back, closed his eyes, and sighed. It was all over now; he might as well get comfortable.
As the dragon crept up to him, preparing to strike with another flying tree, Sasuke thought to himself, "Oh well, it's over, I just can't see a way to beat this thing." He opened his arms to embrace his tree filled demise and waited. But the tree filled death never came. Carefully, he opened his eyes to see that the dragon was now covering its eyes.
Sasuke scratched his head, "What's going on here?" he thought, before forgetting the odd event and getting comfortable again. "I don't want to check it out, I don't care, I just want to go to bed. So ironic: I'm so tired, but I can't sleep."
Immediately after he finished that very thought, he heard a huge crash before him. Opening his eyes again, he saw that the dragon had fallen to the ground, and was dead asleep.
Sasuke blinked, stood, and yelled at the dragon, "I can't wake up!"
The dragon awoke, spied Sasuke and opened its mouth for another tree missile.
"I can shoot random objects out of my mouth!"
The dragon opened its mouth wide and roared, but no trees came out.
Sasuke smiled, and began yelling everything he could think of. "I can move my arms! I can fly! I can turn people into monkeys! I can juggle flaming pirates blind folded! I can-" but that other thing Sasuke can do would never be found out, as everything went silent around him. He tried to move, but he seemed to be encased in some sort of bubble. Out of the silence came the dragon's booming voice, "Hah! You forgot the ability to trap people in soundproof glass jars!"
Furious, Sasuke yelled at the top of his lungs, which produced no sound. He glared at the now advancing monster before him. Claws raised, the dragon was about the strike when Sasuke breathed onto the glass jar he was encased in, and wrote in the fogged glass with his finger, "I can be alive."
The dragon promptly fell over dead.
Sasuke punched his way out of his prison and stood on the dragon's corpse.
"Get down here!"
Woah…Sorry again that it has been so long. I hope this chapter makes you laugh to compensate.