Sirius Black's Guide to Getting the Object of One's Affections in Ten Easy Steps
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!
WARNING: WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male)!! Ye be warned
Author's Note: Part two. That's all. XD
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"I need a word with you two." James and Sirius looked up. "Well, mostly just Prongs."
"Yes! Off the hook again!" Sirius did the celebratory wiggle.
"Oh, I'm sure you were involved in one way or another, so don't go wiggling about yet." Remus sounded uncharacteristically stern.
"Sit then, and speak good sir."
Remus sat down and glared hard at James. "Are you fucking mental?" Prongs and Padfoot's mouths both dropped into perfect 'o's.
"Did he just cuss?"
"He did."
"Wow… are we dead?"
"…No idea…"
"You're going to be if you don't go and apologize to Lily!" Remus snapped. "How could you just go dry humping some random girl in a broom cupboard when she was on patrol duty?"
"I didn't plan it!" James replied, sounding very convincing.
Sirius attempted to edge away, but Remus rounded on him. "And you set them up I bet! How could you? You know Lily likes him!"
"I what? Since when? I'm not friends with Evans! How could I know anything about what she feels or wants?"
"It's called tact Sirius. And it's obvious to anyone who isn't a conceited jerk that she's just in denial." And with that, he got up and strode away angrily.
"Did that just happen?" James asked shakily.
"I…I hope not…"
--
"So clearly we've made them jealous, and now for step five."
James looked up from his breakfast. Mooney hadn't come down yet, and they had a few moments to speak privately.
"But Mooney didn't look jealous, he-"
"I said…step five." Sirius gave him a look the brooked no arguments, and James smiled feebly.
"Step five."
"Right. Time to break up."
"Finally! I actually had to kiss that bird y'know. It was…well she's actually really good at it, but it was still horrifying!!"
"I know, Jeanette can do things with her tongue that I have never been able to replicate…"
"Right… So, oh, look, here comes Evans, and she's with Mooney."
"Oh Jesus loves me today."
Remus and Lily sat down a few empty places away, and Sirius veritably giggled. Remus was right near the boy he had been 'snogging' yesterday.
He walked up, not catching the young werewolf's gaze, but the boy from before had noticed him. He sat up a little straighter.
"Look," Sirius said as he came over, feeling Remus' eyes on his back, "I know you had high hopes, but…it's just not going to work out."
The little sod nodded as though he might cry, and Sirius put a hand on his shoulder. This was so worth the ten galleons the kid was getting paid. "Please don't be upset."
"Actually" said the kid around a mouthful of kipper, "I really fancy this bird in Hufflepuff, so no worries."
Sirius glared. The little ponce! He was being mocked. How rude. He could hear the snickers of people around him and straightened. "Good, 'cause…you were rubbish anyway."
The boy smiled. "Keep telling yourself that."
Sirius huffed and went back to sit in his place across from James. "That went…well?" his best mate offered and Sirius merely glowered.
"Well I'm off. There's Jeanette practically drooling on Richardson…" He wiped a mock tear. "I'll miss her…"
He got up, put on a face of annoyance, and made his way toward her. "What are you doing?" he demanded rather louder than was necessary.
She looked down at her feet pointedly. "Walking to breakfast."
"With him?"
She laughed derisively. She was one helluva an actress… "Yes, with Kevin."
"I don't like you hanging off of other guys."
"And I don't like you being a jealous berk!"
"Maybe I should go," said Richardson uneasily. Clearly he didn't want to be the object of James' wrath.
"No, stay," said Jeanette softly.
"No, go. I need to have a word with my girlfriend. Not that she seems to want to act like one."
"Oh puh-lease. Like you don't still moon after Lily Evans!"
--
Lily looked up at the sound of her named being shouted, and a couple people turned to look at her. "Should I do something?" she whispered fiercely to Remus.
"Maybe…" He shrugged.
She got up and made her way slowly to the entrance where James and his girlfriend were rowing.
--
James turned red, mostly from embarrassment, but it looked like anger. "You're supposed to be mine!"
Her eyes narrowed. She had spotted Lily.
"I don't belong to anyone, Potter, most especially you!" She turned to leave, but he caught her arm.
She whirled and slapped him, hard, and he reeled back, looking shocked. She too looked surprised she had hit him, but hid it well.
"Keep your hands off of me Potter," she spat. "We're done."
James rubbed his face as Jeanette flounced off with Richardson, who gulped a little, while Lily moved to see if James was okay.
"Are you alright? She hit you awfully hard."
"I'll live" he muttered. The side of his face felt like it was on fire.
"Let me see it," she murmured, pulling his hand away to examine the damage. Her fingers felt cool on the abused skin, as she gently poked at it. "It seems fine, but you might want to put ice on it just in case…"
And then she was looking up at him, the bright unashamed green of her eyes marred with concern for his well-being, and James was hypnotized. He felt his face lowering and his gaze was directed on the soft, gentle contours of her lips, but then he pulled back. No. He couldn't now. That would just ruin it, not excluding the fact he would look a bit of a man-whore by breaking up with one bird then immediately snogging Evans. No…that would not be good at all…
Lily looked up at him his lips millimeters from her own, her breath catching in her throat. Oh Merlin he was going to kiss her… Her eyelids drooped, her long lashes brushing the very peaks of her cheeks, which had gone pink, and her mouth tilted up to his.
When he pulled away, she felt like she had been doused in icy water. Then James pushed past her, out of the Great Hall where a number of people (some teachers) were gawking at them.
--
The next day, Lily Evans could hardly think about her work. All her mind wanted to dwell on was James Potter and how she had come so close to kissing him; their breaths mingling, her heart pounding in her chest, and the butterflies that wove deliriously in her stomach.
There was no more lying to herself. She was utter completely, head over heels, ass over teakettle, in love with him. She wanted him to kiss her and caress her and touch her and…
"Hello?? Lily? Are you even paying attention?"
She looked up from her Arithmancy textbook to see that the other students were packing up their belongings, and heading out of the classroom. Apparently the lesson was over. She looked up at the young man who had called her name. Remus Lupin.
"Oh. Yeah…sorry just got caught up in a few things…" She hurriedly stuffed her book into her bag and followed him out of the class to the common room.
"What's on your mind?"
"What? What makes you think anything's on my mind"
"Umm…you just sat for a whole lesson staring off into space with a dreamy look on your face for one. For two, we all saw that little episode in the Great hall this morning. Come on; admit it. You like James Potter."
"No, I don't. I wanted to make sure he was okay, that was it. We're friends, at best."
They headed down for dinner and Remus smirked, "You know, I thought the same thing for about a year before I realized I actually was I love with the person."
"You're in what?" Lily demanded, "Who? Tell me now!"
"I will if you admit you fancy James."
Lily glared at her friend. "That's blackmail."
"And don't you just love how it works sometimes?"
"God you're such a Marauder" she mumbled; along with something that sounded rather like 'think you're so clever stupid arse'.
"I heard that. Now…admit you at least fancy the damn bloke or live in agony not knowing whom I am in love with."
Lily sighed and threw herself dramatically into the wall as they made their way to lunch. "Fine. I fancy him."
"Who?"
"James Potter."
"Now say it all together…"
Lily glared. Oh she definitely hated him right then. "I fancy James Potter," she muttered.
"What was that?"
"Remus Lupin, don't make me hex you!"
"I got it, I got it…so, you fancy James eh? Aww, that's cute…"
"Shut up. I hate you. Now tell me who you're in love with."
Remus blushed and put his hands in his pockets, looking at his feet. "Srsblk" he mumbled.
Lily stopped, hoping she had heard wrong. "What? Repeat that."
Remus took a huge breath and let it out. "Sirius. Sirius Black."
Lily gaped openly for several stunned moments. "You mean, prank-pulling, book-fearing, is-a-complete-arse-who-respects-no-one, Marauder, Sirius Black?"
Remus frowned. "I also happen to be a Marauder, thanks very much. And he respects lots of people. Like his friends, and Dumbledore…and decent people who fight for what's right."
"Along with the guy who invented Chocolate Frogs! Does that not say something to you Remus?"
His look became icy. "I don't need your approval Lily. I thought you would be happy… I guess not. So, if you could just keep this to yourself, that would be excellent." And with that, he strode off angrily down to the Great Hall.
Lily looked after him. Oh fuck, whom was she kidding? She was head over heels for James Potter who was just as bad as Black… And now she had just made Remus angry. Grrreat…
--
Remus sat down at the table in a huff next to Sirius and across from James, who were discussing some elaborate prank. "Mooney!" Sirius trilled. "How perfect your timing is. We need you for our prank."
"No."
Sirius threw an arm around him. "Why not? You usually at least help us plan them so we don't get into too much mayhem… What's wrong?"
Remus shrugged him off. "Nothing. I'm not feeling well; I'm just going to go to the dorm until class. See you." And with that, he left.
Sirius looked at James, who looked back at him. "What's eating him?" the messy haired youth asked. Sirius shrugged.
"Damned if I know… So, do you reckon dung bombs would be powerful enough?"
--
James sighed as he lay in bed early the next morning. He had been so close to kissing Lily Evans. So close. Fuck, why did he have to grow a conscience at that moment?
"Prongsie!!" Sirius shouted, jumping onto his bed. "Time to get up!" Then he leaned in conspiratorially, "We have to get to the next step of the plan. Come on."
They got up, showered and dressed (separately) and were making their way down to breakfast, when they spotted Lily talking animatedly to her friend Mary Macdonald, by the entrance to the Great Hall.
"Go time Prongs. Pass her by, eye her up like you want to devour her, then toss out a compliment or two." James nodded and made his way casually past her.
--
Lily shivered when she felt eyes on her. She looked up and caught James eyeing her legs, which descended shapely and gracefully from under her short skirt (she knew she shouldn't have bought it/worn it) then watched as his eyes rose to her stomach and chest, making her heart pound and her breath catch in her throat. Oh Merlin…she hoped her knees weren't shaking.
Then he was looking her in the eye, his eyes suggesting just what he's like to do to her at the moment (throw her down and shag her into oblivion), and he smiled, all charm. She tried to smile back but her lips could hardly move.
"Macdonald" James murmured, nodding to Lily's friend, who looked between the two suspiciously. She nodded back. "Lily. You look great today…love the skirt."
And with a little wink, he had passed by. Lily remembered how to breathe and gasped in lungful and lungful of air. Oh Merlin…what the hell was wrong with her? Mary looked gloatingly at her. "So you finally realized you're made for him have you?"
Lily glared, and stalked into the Great Hall for breakfast. But then she spotted James again and felt suddenly very conscious of her body. It felt awkward and her arms felt too large. She looked away. Damn him for doing this to her!
"Mate, look, Evans is having another orgasm by looking at you again" Sirius giggled.
James smirked. "Oh I always knew she wanted me. Yep, I am irresistible."
Sirius coughed something that sounded distinctly like 'Lies!' but smiled nonetheless. "Right…"
--
"Remus…"
"Sirius."
"How goes it?"
The werewolf shrugged. The full wasn't for a couple weeks, so he felt at peak health. "Great. You?"
"Splendid, Mooney, splendid."
"That's good." Remus sighed, and looked back at his pile of homework. "I have too much work Pads…"
"I told you not to take all the classes humanly possible…I told you in third year…"
Remus sighed and flopped back on the couch. Sirius took this opportunity to lie all over him. "Remus?"
"Hmm…?"
"You look very nice today."
Remus looked at him as though he had suddenly grown a third arm from the top of his head. "Thanks…"
Sirius smiled, oblivious. "No problem."
--
Lily tried to avoid James Potter at all costs, but she found him suddenly everywhere she went in the next few days. And every time she saw him, she would feel a blush erupt over her cheeks, and her palms would go sweaty as her mouth went dry.
James wanted to keep her in his sights as much as possibly, and took just about every opportunity to flirt with her. He would smile charmingly, or just do the uber-sexy-pose, or compliment her, loving the way she would try to look offended and not smile and blush.
"Evans, you are looking…delectable this morning."
Lily crimsoned as she sat down a few places to his right for breakfast making sure Lupin stayed between them. "Thank you."
"Why so shy?" He patted the seat beside him that was empty. "Come, sit with me Lily."
She looked at her plate. "I'm fine here."
"Please?"
She rolled her eyes. He wouldn't stop, of that she had no doubts… And it wouldn't be too bad to sit near him… She stood and moved over, sitting beside him. James looked at Sirius, who smirked back.
Breakfast passed without incident, until Lily was getting up to head off to class. James stood up in the same instant, and the next thing she knew, she was standing rather pressed to him, and suddenly unable to function properly. "S-sorry…"
But James didn't say anything. Instead, he reached for her chin, tilting her head back, and his mouth covered hers. And she didn't care that she was supposed to hate him, or that she was making out with him in front of the school, she kissed him back, whimpering lightly when he pulled away.
"If you want to keep going, I think we should charge our audience" James whispered. Then it hit her. She had just snogged James. James Potter. In front of the entire school. Oh no.
She pushed past him and hurried out of the room, ignoring the many stares she received.
James looked at Sirius, who gaped back, and then dashed after her. "Lily! Lily wait! Come back!!"
--
"Pretty crazy with Prongs and Evans today, eh?" said Sirius as he and Remus were walking back from Herbology at the end of the school day.
"Yeah…"
"So it looks like maybe she's starting to come round…"
Remus shrugged. "Maybe. I think he shouldn't have kissed her in so public a place though. She was probably embarrassed."
Sirius swallowed nervously. Well the hallway was deserted, so it wasn't really in public…was it?
"Remus…can I…talk to you?"
"Of course Sirius. What are friends for?"
Sirius looked at him, gathered up his courage (which seemed notably less in the face of this romantic encounter than normal…) and kissed Remus hard on the mouth. It was rough, and rather unromantic, and over entirely too soon. Remus pushed him away almost brutally.
He looked at Sirius, horrified, and then turned tail and fled. He couldn't deal with this right now. Sirius was straight… Sirius liked women…a lot …No it was a prank. Yes…a prank, there was no way Sirius Black would ever kiss him for something less. Ever.
He sighed and slumped against the wall. Man things were fucked up…
--
"She ran away!"
Sirius rolled his eyes. He had been hearing the same sentiment for days now. It had been that long since James had planted his kiss on Lily, and he had yet to speak with her. She had holed herself up in her room, or the library, and scurried in and out of classes on the bell.
"So did Remus! In fact, I would say Remus took it like fifty times worse than Evans."
James sighed. "This plan is stupid… Now Lily really hates me."
"Pfft if Evans hates you, I'm the fucking queen of England. It's so obviously she likes you. Lurrrrrves you even."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Thanks."
"No problem. I expect you to name your firstborn after me though. Boy or girl."
James rolled his eyes. "You get Lily to talk to me again, and I will make you godfather of my firstborn. I refuse to let another child go around making the terrible Pun though."
"Fine, I'll get you and Lily back together."
"Nice! Then we can go onto…what, step eight now?"
"Yes…the Grand Gesture. Any thoughts on what you'll do for your paramour?"
James paled slightly. He hadn't thought about it. At all… He looked at his best mate. "You have to help me!!"
"Calm down Prongs, I will…"
--
"Lily."
"Black. What do you want?"
"One, have you seen Remus, and two, James wants to talk to you."
"Yes I've seen Remus and why does James need to speak to me?"
"Where is he? And I don't know. I just know he needs to talk to you, He's upstairs in the dorm if you want to talk now."
Lily sighed, taking the hint, and closed her book heavily. No point studying now… She set off up the stairs to the boys' dorms, and Sirius watched her go grinning. Then he realized something. He still didn't know where Remus was.
"Hey! Where is Remus!?" he shouted after her.
"Library!"
Lily stood at the door to James' room for a good minute, trying to psyche herself up to open the door. She could feel her fingers shaking, thinking about how he had kissed her, and how his lips had felt covering hers so perfectly. Swallowing, and mustering a shaky breath, she reached out and knocked quietly.
"It's open."
She turned the knob and pushed gently, and the door swung open. James was on his bed, sprawled casually and haphazardly, all masculine angles and hollows, and looked up, smiling at her. "Evans. Come in."
She came in and sat on the only made bed in the room, which she assumed was Remus'. It was to the left of James bed, and he sat up on the edge of his own bed to face her.
"Black said you needed you needed to talk with me." She was surprised to find her voice sounded normal. No breathiness, no little quiver. Nothing. YES! She totally won!
"Yeah. Er…" He looked at the floor, apparently nervous. "First off, I'm sorry for just…kissing you…like that…in front of everyone. I know it's not what you wanted."
Lily stared. Who was the creature and where the hell was James Potter? She looked over his shoulder. Nothing. Hmm…
"And secondly…" He didn't seem to notice her at all, as he was still resolutely studying his shoe. Lily looked but found nothing noteworthy. "Well, I know I might have said this before, but…I…I'm in love with you. And…if you want…would you want to maybe…go out…sometime?"
Lily gaped, and James hazarded a look upward. Damn, damn…his plan was failing after nine steps! No!! Abort! Abort mission!! …He really had to stop watching Muggle movies…
"James…" Lily began, but found she had nothing really to say. "I…" I what? I feel the same and I want to kiss you and touch you and be with you? I'm ass over teakettle for you but can't admit it? Well that about summed it up.
Then, without thinking, or planning, or reasoning, or bothering to weight the pros and cons of it (most un-Lily-like), she leaned in and kissed him. She pulled back half a second later, blushing hard, but James was grinning and moved with her, recapturing her lips, and gently working them with his.
"So that's a yes then?"
"Absolutely. Now…shut up and kiss me."
--
"Attention ladies and gentlemen! And Snape!"
Remus looked up to where Sirius was standing on the bench, shaking his head. Would the prat never learn that giant speeches made in the Great Hall were a surefire way to get detention? Of course not…this was Sirius Black…
"I have an announcement!!" Sirius bellowed. Everyone was looking at him, and he smirked back. "I have found the one true person I would like to make mine! Until the unforeseeable future that is."
Whispering amongst the female population was rampant. Who would it be? Who was the Sirius Black going to take as his girlfriend??
"Mooney, if you could stand please." Sirius said, looking down at him.
The sudden feeling of hundreds of eyes on him, made Remus shift. "Leave me out of this Padfoot," he muttered.
"Oh, but I cannot. For you see Remus…I want you."
The whispering spread out tenfold from them. Remus blushed hard. "Get off it, it's not funny."
"Well getting off is a thought" he winked, "but I jest not Mooney. Date me?"
Remus glared, horrified (yet oddly light inside). "I…I…I can't believe… No."
"What?"
"I said, no. Go find someone who actually appreciates public humiliation." And with that, he got up and strode out of the Great Hall to spend the rest of lunch in the library. Sirius stared after him. He had been…rejected.
By Remus…
It…hurt?
--
"Mmph. Mmm…Lily."
"Yes?"
James looked down at her, panting and breathless underneath him on his bed…or was it Remus'? Hell, who knew anymore?
"Do you want me to stop?"
Her shirt was half off already, and her skirt had ridden up around her waist. She swallowed and looked at him. His face was flushed, his eyes darkened with desire, and his hair more rumpled than normal. His shirt was gone and she could see the marks that would undoubtedly form from where she had kissed his neck and chest. Merlin…she wanted - no, needed - him.
"James Potter, if you don't finish what you've started I will never let you do it again."
His head dipped and caught her lips. "Mmm, god you don't know how long I've wanted this…"
She sat up, James sitting up with her, and practically ripped off her shirt, unhooking her bra, and tossing it aside. "Me too." James looked shocked. "Don't pretend you don't know it. Now…" she looked up coquettishly form under her eyelashes. "Don't you have something that you should be doing about now?"
--
"Remus?" Sirius whispered into the smothering silence of the library. A few studious fifth years glared, and he resisted the urge to flip them off. He had a mission!
He gulped, pushing away his fear of books (who really knew what they were capable of?), and continued back through the stacks.
He spotted the finger tousled, almost gingery locks of hair that were Remus and breathed a sigh of relief…only to start coughing obscenely from dust inhalation.
Remus looked round. "Sirius!" Why did he look so surprised? "Why are you in the library?"
"Looking for you" the Animagus choked out. "We need to talk."
"Sure…" Remus swallowed. Damn. The last time Padfoot had 'talked' with him, he had ended up kissing him, and Remus didn't think he'd be able to hold back if it happened again… "Look, I'm sorry about…I didn't mean to embarrass you earlier, but…"
"Can we…go somewhere…else? The books…"
Remus chuckled. "Sure." Good ol' Sirius and his phobias.
Apparently, the hallway was much better, because Sirius made no move to go any further away form the library. Remus shifted awkwardly.
"Remus, I…I can't do this…" He made to turn away, but Remus took hold of his hand.
"Sirius, please. Tell me."
"I…I…I made this bet with James, and it was only supposed to be a joke, cause he wanted to get with Evans, so I let him in on my secret ten step process, and then he wagered me, and then I had to try to make a move on you, and…and I guess…fuck, I'm sorry Remus."
Remus stared. "What?"
Sirius took a deep breath, and explained more fully the situation. "And…and I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable, or anything, cause of…the kissing…and…yeah."
"About that, Sirius, I'm sorry I was so…earlier, I just…" He took a deep breath. He had to do this. Was he a Gryffindor or not? Time to find some of that courage… "I knew you were joking, but…I…I like you in a…more than friends sort of way, and…and I…" He looked down to where he was still holding Sirius' hand.
"RemusIthinkIloveyou."
Remus stared. "Don't say that," he whispered. He closed his eyes, still holding onto those five fingers, the only thing connecting him to reality. "Please…don't say that."
Sirius pulled his hand away. Remus didn't like him like that then. "But…"
"No. Padfoot, you can't love me. You just…can't."
"Why not?"
"Because you like women."
"…What if I didn't?"
"There are millions of 'what if's. It doesn't do anyone any good to dwell on-"
Sirius tried not to shake him as he gripped the werewolf's shoulders. "Remus, have you lost your mind? I'm standing here telling you I think I might just be in love with you!!"
"I… No. No you don't! Stop saying it! The bet is done, it's over; you can stop pretending!"
"Who's pretending?!"
The sound of Sirius shouting shook Remus into opening his eyes. Bad idea. Now he was looking at Sirius' eyes, and they were so…so convincing…
"Remus…" Sirius moved through the miniscule gap between them until he was almost pressed to Remus. Remus tried to move, but Padfoot was still holding him. "God damn it Mooney…can't you see that I want to be with you?"
"But-"
"No buts." Remus, however, looked like there were quite a few more buts he might like to explore and/or talk about, so Sirius took matters into his own hands. His lips bridging the gap opened over Remus'.
Remus gasped and his eyes fluttered shut. Then Sirius was licking his bottom lip, and Remus reacted on pure instinct. The next thing he knew, he was pushing Sirius into the wall and snogging him for all he was worth. He pulled back and breathed one word. "Upstairs."
Sirius grinned. "I thought you'd never ask…"
--
"So you actually got with got with Evans then?"
"A gentleman never kisses and tells," James retorted. Sirius snorted as the pair made their way down to the Quidditch pitch.
"If all you did was kiss her, I so win the bet."
"Pfft, yeah right. You're telling me you and Mooney got together? I'll believe it when I see it."
Sirius giggled. "I'll have to clear it with Remus, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you saw the photos…"
"Photos?"
"Photos."
There was a slight silence while James digested this news. "On second thought, I believe you. Shall we call it a tie then?"
"Sure. …You know, I told you this plan would work."
James shook his head. "Unbelievable but true."
"Pfft…my plan is infallible! In-fucking-fallible!"
"Hmm…do you think it would work on Peter?" James asked, smirking.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa… I'm not a miracle worker Prongs."
THE END
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Author's Note: ehh I hate the ending, but it shall suffice. Here it is…LOL, a month or so after I started it. XD