DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Sadly.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: hey, review responses at end. Sad face L cus last chapter very under-reviewed in comparison with former ones. Maybe I've just been spoilt. Are people still reading cus I really need encouragement on this one. And this one contains the long awaited Draco pov. Hell, its all Draco.
In answer to those who asked/commented, yes ffnet is being evil. Or rather, still being evil. While I can now do the Harry/Draco search I can't do the find thing where you specify story title and story. It just won't search Harry Potter. 'Tis irritating.
Oh, and I'm kinda adopting *some* of the changes from the 5th book, so if you haven't read it, well, beware!
Oh and one more thing. I'm afraid this one is a case of you'll see the next chapter when it's up (I'll probably alert on Good Intentions when I'm going to update so if you read that then you're ok J For those looking for something to read (at all, for any reason) go read Unthinkable Thoughts. It's complete and in my favourite stories and everyone should read it cus it's great.
Here's chapter five.
Enjoy.
~ ~ Chapter Five ~ ~That first time Blaise came back from the library and observed that he'd talk to Harry I swear my heart stopped for a moment. He knew! But he didn't. In fact he was fast becoming the second Slytherin to discover the …charms of the Boy Who Lived.
Only I'm not supposed to call him that. One of the many things I have discovered about the golden boy is that he hates it all. All the fame, all the adoration. Because it leaves him vulnerable. People want to take his heart and splash it across the front page. I know I did. But that was before.
And now I'm sounding like a bloody romance novel.
I do that sometimes; end up talking, well thinking, about our arrangement, if I can use that word, in flowery terms. Because I value it, valued it. No, past tense is wrong. I value it. Him. Because yes, maybe the way we went about it was wrong but Harry Potter became my friend. No submission, no regrets, just friendship. With sex as a bonus.
It took me a long time to realise he was a friend. That it was more than just sex. It shouldn't have taken that long but it did. It was obvious from the start really. I've had 'just sex' before and this blatantly wasn't it. Harry and I were never about quick fucks in the closet. We were about meetings in the astronomy tower and classrooms suitably altered. We were about post coital conversations. We were about all night.
All night.
That was when I realised we'd done all night before but when Voldemort died it was different. As soon as I heard he was gone I had one thought. Harry. Somehow I knew that he would not, could not be a part of the mindless celebrations.
FLASHBACK
The hall erupted in cheers when Dumbledore announced Voldemort's final defeat but as the streamers flew about the hall and the music rang out one person was conspicuous by his absence.
Well, to Draco it was conspicuous. Had he cared to dwell on it he might have noticed that even the golden boy's Gryffindor clique appeared not to notice his absence.
Quickly he left the hall, wanting to find Harry, needing to see him. He knew without thinking where he would be. Professor Lupin's old classroom, not used since his tenure, for the practical lessons of their fifth year had taken place in a more conventional room and it was that room that they had remained in so far this year, leaving their old room empty and Harry had confessed long ago that he would go there to think. And to remember.
And it was there that he found Harry now, curled up in one of the large windowsills, looking outside at the lake.
"Not celebrating?"
"You knew I was here?"
"I guess I know your footsteps."
"And you. Not celebrating either? You did it, killed the bad guy, won the day, captured the castle…"
"All out of analogies?"
"Big word Potter, where ever did you learn it."
"Oh, didn't you hear? 'I took the words right out of your mouth. It must have been while you were kissing me.'"
"What?"
"Muggle song."
"Oh, nice attempt at side tracking."
"Ask again. Go on. Then I can deny you a third time."
"I get that one Potter. I did Muggle Studies."
"Yes, I remember the tantrum."
"Hell it got me a shag."
"That it did."
Silence reigned after that. Draco stuck two paces away from Harry, who still hadn't looked at him. Eventually Harry broke the silence and the pain in his voice was like screaming to Draco.
"What do I do now? I was here to kill him and he's dead. But what about me. They expect me to dust myself off and go dancing. It's not that easy. I killed him. I hated him and I killed him … and it's killing me."
"Harry…"
"I should be happy right? I've seen enough films. This is the part where I marry the girl or get the medal, or ride of into the sunset to live happily ever after. But I'm still here. I feel like I should have died, or like I want to have died. But there's another part of me, my inner Dumbledore if you like, that keeps telling me to keep my chin up, keeps reminding me that one of us had to die, the other to live and of course this way is better. Tells me that it was all worth it. And keeps offering me a sherbet lemon. Which I hate, by the way."
"You're loosing it, you know that right?"
"Obviously. I'm screwing you, I'm lying to my friends and I've killed someone. How could I not be loosing it?"
"I'll ignore that first part."
"I'm sure."
Again they were silent. Draco felt this urge to offer something more than words, something more tangible: a hug. But they didn't do that. They didn't do innocent touches; he argued with himself, they did fucks. Long, hard, satisfying fucks. No hugs.
"He's still dead, Draco, and nothing will change that. I thought, felt on some level that if only I could kill him hard enough, fast enough, thoroughly enough I'd get Sirius back. And I know its stupid, I know that nothing works that way; I know I have a thousand people out there who love me. But I want him. I want him so much."
"Harry," again he tried to break into the monologue with some vague idea of offering support or comfort before trailing of, knowing he had nothing to offer.
"And it's not even like I'm exaggerating even. There are probably a million people out there who want to love the Boy Who Lived, the slayer of Voldemort, as long as I don't say his name of course. But the people who love Harry? I'm not sure if I know more than ten. I think I do, sometimes I convince myself that there's this network of people, of friends, who love me for me and would still love me if there was no Voldemort, no celebrity. I guess now I'll find out."
Finally Harry turned to Draco.
"And the thing I hate most of all is that I can not get out of this self pitying crap that I so love to dwell in. Like I'm waiting to be sent back to the Dursley's, all cut off and alone. Yes, I lost Sirius and everyday it kills me like the first time, but I still have Remus, and the Weasley's and Dumbledore and all my friends. Hell, I even have you, and I can't even convince myself that that's a bad thing! I know I'm lucky in so many ways, and I know I should be out there, celebrating like everyone else, but today is for brooding."
They stayed there like that, staring at each other as if waging a war until Harry's shoulder's sagged and he spoke again.
"And I'm so scared. For the first time in my life I have a future rather than a destiny. I'm like a real person, someone who can do what they want, when they want … and screw it up without even trying. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life and I have no idea what to do, what I want to do. What I can do, on my own, without half the teaching staff as a safety net. What should I do?"
"Go dancing."
Harry laughed and the tension was broken. He shuffled up and Draco climbed onto the windowsill.
"Dancing?"
"That's what you said you felt you should be doing. So do it."
"You can do whatever you want."
"So can you. More than anything. And you were right about one thing. You do love that self-pity crap. I promised myself I'd mention that to you one day and look, boy wonder knows it already."
"Draco," warningly.
"For fucks sake Harry, you have this, this accident of birth or circumstance or whatever that gives you an amazing advantage over other people. I mean yeah, it also gave you pesky things like a deranged, snake faced wizard trying to kill you, but on the plus side you can do pretty much whatever you want. Auror, banker, teacher, Quidditch. Oh, and me, of course."
"Well, I wouldn't want to forget that. So, are you a perk of being the Boy Who Lived then or am I special?"
"Hum, let me think," he frowned, actually considering the question, "nope, that one's all Harry Potter I'm afraid. If Weasley had been the Boy With a Thick Skull then I really wouldn't sleep with him."
"I'm sure he'd be pleased to hear it."
"Yes, well that thought has really creeped me out, so thanks."
Draco studied Harry for a moment before beginning in a softer, more tentative tone.
"You know, that's the first time I've ever heard you mention him. Tell me about him."
That last was said in such a commanding, only child tone that Harry laughingly assented and both could pretend that it was merely curiosity that made Draco ask.
***
They spent the entire night in that classroom, sitting on the window ledge, feet squished together in the centre, Harry talking about Sirius, both of them talking about their families.
It was only when the sun rose and they had made their way back to their respective dormitories that Draco realised that what had happened was no anomaly bought on by special circumstances and he never did get any sleep that day.
END FLASHBACK
That was the night I realised or, rather, accepted, that this was more than sex. It was friendship. If people knew I guess they'd think me pretty slow, be amazed at how long it too me to process such a simple and obvious state of affairs. But it's not what I was expecting and that will be my excuse. But his friendship…it's…I don't think about what it is too much because it scares me. But deep down I can admit that his friendship is…everything. It's warm and loving and honest and open and all embracing and ridiculously forgiving but most of all it's the reason why I'm spending so much time with these bloody goody-goody Gryffindors. And liking them.
The things we do for our friends!
***
Sunday 24th November
Walking towards the laughing group congregated on the lawn beside the lake Draco paused, taking in the scene.
'Would they have laughed like that with me?"
He barely caught the errant though, so quickly did it flicker across his consciousness.
They looked like a scene out of a picture. Granger was lying on the ground, head in the lap of Weasley, who was playing distractedly with her hair while talking enthusiastically to Longbottom and Thomas, hands failing fit to decapitate. Next to them Blaise was sitting down talking to Finnigan and Jasper, while Patil, Brown and Clare were lying around them, head buried in some tacky magazine, sneaking glances at Blaise and Harry over the top of it.
It really was Gryffindors on parade.
Then he heard a laugh spring up from the centre of the group and knew exactly who produced such a sound. Harry Potter was lying on his back
'That brings back memories'
Again he ignored the thought. Harry Potter lay next to Blaise, hands cushioning his head. Draco watched as Blaise leant down to whisper something to Harry and he felt the urge to interrupt the picture perfect scene.
"Well, well what have we here," he drawled, feeling something like nerves clutch at his stomach forcing him back several years in attitude. "Gryffindor's day out."
He saw Blaise frown at him slightly before saying a tight "hey Draco," but it was Harry Potter, brave Gryffindor that he was who sat bolt upright, one hand moving to rest reassuringly on Blaise's thigh.
'Rather high up that hand. Very friendly.'
For a third time he ignored the thought as Harry addressed him with a wide smile.
"Draco, finally. Blaise was just saying that he didn't think you were coming but I told him not to be so silly." Here he smiled fondly at the other boy before continuing, "I mean, a nice well bred boy such as your self would never be so rude as to ignore an invitation. A Malfoy would show up and have a good time, conversing pleasantly with all around, even if they are better company than he is used to. And look, here you are and we can see how glad you are to be here so sit down and play nice."
Finally the boy let up and patted the grass next to him, indicating that he should sit, as if Draco were a child or animal.
Yet sit he did.
'Play nice indeed.' "Hello Blaise," he smiled slightly and looked around the group, "Hermione, Ron, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Lavender, Parvati, Jessica, Briony. So nice to see you."
A chorus of (mostly) wary hi's followed his greeting. Finally he turned back to Harry, smirking slightly.
"Alright Harry?"
The group watched in bewilderment as a wide smile broke across Harry's face and he replied with a cryptic "Touché!"
END CHAPTER FIVEWell that was it. Draco POV overload I hope. I was going to do another flashback – just a little 'why Harry hates "alright"' type thing but thought two flashbacks in one chapter was too much. Really don't want to overload on the flashbacks but at the same time want to see Harry and Draco together.
Please review as it makes me write more. I think I have writers block with this one. Advice wanted – especially as one reviewer said Harry and Blaise weren't making Seamus and Draco jealous enough. How can I show that?
Thanks.
Review responses:
Dianne: well, here's more! On the jealousy thing: any ideas? Hope you like the major Draco POV overload. And yeay for the being on favourites thing J
Morgana: yeay, people are still reading. Well I updated in the week so not too long a wait. Lunadeath: ah thanks. Glad the flashback went down ok. Am planning to do that more so we get some Draco/Harry stuff. If people think that would work. And yeah have major problems with ffnet at the mo re HP fics. And just to use and abuse my position here, when are you doing more on Draco's insignia cus I want more chapters!Wintermoon: yeah, I just couldn't resist some sort of flashback and plus I like the Star Wars analogy thing. And yeah it was meant to seam like this meant something for Draco cus it was a happy Harry memory. Yeah it took a while to update – am having real problems with this at times (plus Good Intentions keeps tackling me for attention.) And Frizzy! I know! I'm still going wow that she read my stuff. I keep doing the fan girl thing. Oh dear! And once again thanks for the flattery. It will get you everywhere J
Jade Maxwell: yup this was the LONG await Draco pov. How was it? You thought chapter 4 was good? Well that makes me feel better. Magical monopoly sounds cool. And as for Risk…um…well I think maybe Dean and Parvati won. 'Cus Blaise and Draco didn't know what to do, Harry and Seamus were…distracted by other considerations and Ron and Hermione do everything. How's that for reasoning?! Menecarkawan: well at that threat I've released the Draco scene. You owe me happy endings! J Does this answer your suspicions? Your definitely not reading too much into it but unfortunately we have a severe case of Clueless!Draco here. Oh dear!cannibalistic_smurf: well this was a great time for first review cus chapter 4 was well ignored. Glad you like the story.