DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Sadly.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm back!
The number of reviews I've had where people casually point out how many months it's been since I updated made me smile and occasionally feel shocked and guilty.
One reviewer (you know/will know who you are) pretty much summed up all my thoughts on this fic, so well done you.
I'm not going to say too much here, except to say, please visit my live journal – it has information about when I'll update, and various ficlets/etc. I've been doing.
Review responses are at the end – thank you to all of you who have stuck by me in this one and have come back to read this (and I want to thank the academy, and God, and…OK, it felt gushing, so I had to do that).
Oh, and this chapter runs, for the most part, parallel with the last one if you can remember that far back.
And finally, yes I will hold my hands up to having a terrible problem differentiating between 'lose' and 'loose'. It is a terrible mental block and I can only apologise J
Chapter Seven
Sunday 1st December
While Harry was brooding in his bedroom Hermione and Ron were working in the library. Or at least that was the plan.
"'Mione?" Ron's began, looking inquiringly at his girlfriend, "what do you think of this thing between Harry and Zabini?"
"What do you mean? Has, has Harry said anything?"
"What? Oh no, or rather, he just keeps saying how happy he is, stuff like that," Ron twisted his fingers together, not looking at Hermione now.
"And…"
Ron shrugged, "and nothing, I guess. I just don't want to see him hurt."
'Oh Ron,' she thought sadly, 'he's heading for a big fall and there's nothing we can do to help him.' "I think," she began slowly, interlocking their fingers, "I think that Harry likes Blaise and I hope he doesn't get hurt but if he does get hurt, then, well isn't that all part of growing up? We set ourselves up to be hurt when we start relying on other people or our happiness. Not that that's such a bad thing. We need other people to be happy…but they can hurt us too."
Ron pulled Hermione onto his lap, kissing her softly on the lips, "and are you going to hurt me, Miss Ganger?"
"Not if I can help it Mr Weasley," she smiled, shifting in his lap so he could hold her closer.
"In that case, I don't think growing up will be so bad," he kissed her again, privately vowing that Blaise Zabini wouldn't be around long enough to hurt Harry.
In a corner of the Slytherin common room Blaise and Draco were talking.
"Not spending the evening with lover boy?" Draco asked with poor disguised disinterest.
"Not that it's any of your concern, but no. I thought I'd spend some time somewhere a little less…red."
Draco chucked appreciatively, "I see your point." He paused for a moment, studying the other boy. "I have to say, I didn't see you and Potter coming. I had thought you were interested in Finnegan."
Blaise met his gaze unflinchingly. "Everyone knows Finnegan is only interested in a quick fuck."
"Because you're so well known for your deep and long lasting relationships."
"Sex is all well and good, but in the end we all want something more. Some one to talk to, some one who will always be there. Just because I wasn't meant to fall for Potter, doesn't mean it couldn't happen."
"And it did," Draco observed, unsmilingly. 'God I'm becoming bitter,' he mused, mentally frowning at the small part of him that wanted to let Blaise know he'd gotten there first, that Harry had been his first.
Blaise wanted to scream at his friend. 'Are you really that thick Draco?' he wondered sadly, 'are you really that determined to deny your feelings?' Because Draco clearly wanted Harry in his life, using Blaise's relationship with the Gryffindor to integrate him into Harry's circle of friends, studying with Granger, playing chess with Weasley and generally making more effort to make friends than he ever had done before.
Draco studied his friend carefully, almost unconsciously wondering what Harry saw in the other boy. Because, yes, Blaise was his best friend and Draco wouldn't hear a word against him, but the boy was so not Harry that it was funny.
Except Draco wasn't laughing.
Harry was serious, thoughtful, prone to brooding self indulgence yet at the same time totally selfless.
Blaise was the type of person who would go clubbing every weekend, who was not really given to introspection and was often headless of other people's feelings not through any studied maliciousness (something Draco had become a master at after seventeen years of his father's instruction), but because he was utterly tactless. Blaise was a great friend, totally loyal and good for a laugh, but Draco would never have seen him as boyfriend material.
So why did he care?
Sleeping with him was the most un-Harry thing he had ever seen Harry Potter do, and after five years of animosity and one year of sex he felt he knew the other boy fairly well. And if he did know him then Blaise was totally wrong for him and he should speak out, warn his friend before he got hurt. And if he didn't know Harry…
"Are you happy though?" he broke the silence, effectively silencing his own thoughts.
"What do you mean?" Blaise looked suddenly guarded.
"With Potter, with the 'proper relationship'. Are they all they're made out to be?"
"With the right person," Blaise began carefully, not wanting to lie outright to Draco, "with the right person, there's no other option, I think."
"What do you mean?"
"When you find someone you think is right for you and thinking is all it is, because none of us can really see into the future can we? When you find someone who makes you happy, you want to be with them, more than you want to be with anyone else. Because maybe someone else looks good for a moment, as a break or a change, but when you consider the alternative, of having the quick fuck and losing out on all the other things that the relationship brings, then monogamy is no longer this monotonous thing other people do." 'It's just unfortunate that I want all this with Seamus, not Harry,' he thought sadly, fully aware that Harry would be unlikely to turn him down if he went to him tomorrow and told him Draco would never like him that way but that he, Blaise, did. The boy was desperate to be loved, that was clear enough, and was likely to love the first person who let him.
Which did beg the question of why he fell for Draco, a boy who never let himself need anyone, never wanted anyone to need him.
For Draco's part it was strange to be the one on the receiving end of information like this. He'd been the first one of his friend to kiss a girl, the first to get a blow job, the first to have sex. Then he'd decided he was gay and he was the first to sleep with someone of the same sex. He was the one who answered questions, not the one who asked them.
"It sounds…nice," he spoke slowly, and more honestly than he allowed himself to before. "But loving someone like that, needing someone like that…it's dangerous."
Blaise simply raised his eyebrows and Draco continued speaking.
"My mother loved my father so much, did everything he wanted, but one day he just stopped noticing, or caring. He carried on with his life, but he was her life. I don't want to need someone like that, to love someone who could destroy me."
He was amazed to find himself speaking so openly, amazed to find he could finally articulate the fears he'd had for so long.
"No one can choose who they love, Draco, just make sure that the person you love loves you back. They'll still be able to hurt you, but at least you can hurt them back."
"How terribly Slytherin of you," they both laughed and Blaise rooted out another bottle of wine from behind the sofa, after which they both got pleasantly drunk.
Wednesday 4th December
Watching Harry try to revise for the potion's test Ron was once again thrilled he had the common sense to drop the subject after OWLS. He only wished Blaise Zabini had done the same. Watching the two boys revise was irritating him for reasons he couldn't quite pinpoint.
Harry was acting different, very unlike his usual self. The boy he'd been friends with since the first day of school had been replaced by a touchy-feely flirt, something he couldn't help but blame Zabini for, because Harry never used to be like that.
'All adds to my 'this relationship is bad' theory,' Ron mused, watching as Harry wiggled suggestively in his seat between Blaise's legs. He looked across the room, locking eyes with Draco Malfoy and inclining his head towards the chess table.
Taking the silent offer, Draco moved over and began setting up the board.
They played in silence for ten minutes, until Ron finally spoke, "Zabini usually like this?"
"Huh?"
"Articulate Malfoy," Ron teased and Draco, in a moment Ron would have loved to record to savour and playback at will, stuck his tongue out and crossed his eyes. "I meant, is he usually all…that with the blokes he dates."
"I've never known him 'date' anyone before, just flings and flirtation," Draco's answer added to Ron's theory that it had been Blaise Harry was seeing all last year, but it didn't make him any happier. "What's the problem anyway"
"I dunno, I guess I'm just not used to seeing Harry like this. He's never been one for public displays of affection…not that I've ever known him date anyone but Cho," Ron glossed over the 'other', unwilling to own up to his ignorance about the mystery partner.
'And I'm meant to say what?' Draco wondered silently, 'some meaningless platitude about love changing us? Or do I go all deep like Blaise did?' He turned around to look at the studious couple, turning around quickly, a light pink flush staining his cheeks.
"Well I wouldn't worry," he said eventually.
"That's what Hermione says," Ron commented in a tone which clearly disagreed with the advice.
"Clever girl. Check."
"Bugger."
Silence, they agreed, was very necessary when playing chess.
Across the common room Seamus was watching Harry and Blaise in uncharacteristic silence, every little word or touch hurting him more than he could have imagined possible two months ago.
Over the last year or so he had watched his friends grow up and fall into relationships while he happily flirted with anything that moved until he eventually – and inevitably – collided with Blaise Zabini, who was doing the exact same thing. They had flirted and danced around each other for three weeks before Harry came along, and in those three weeks Seamus had not so much as looked at anyone else. He hadn't even realised that fact until post-Harry, by which time it was too late. No sooner was Blaise puling back than Seamus realised that he would happily give everyone else up if only Blaise would give up Harry.
When Ron and Hermione started dating no one had been surprised.
When Dean and Ginny finally gave up chasing after Lavender and Parvati and Michael Corner respectively, they had quickly settled into a firm coupledom that lasted far longer than anyone would have expected.
Then Neville had plucked up the courage to ask out Susan Bones, and they became embroiled in an on-again, off-again relationship far more dramatic than one would have expected of either of the parties involved.
And there was Harry, not very discreetly sneaking off to meet 'we don't know who' with startling regularity and suddenly Seamus was the only one without someone.
The first time he and Blaise had kissed the event hadn't been marked out as life changing by fireworks or stars or anything. It had just been a kiss, a nice kiss, one he had happily repeated, but still just a kiss. It wasn't until he had no longer been able to kiss Blaise that he realised that it wasn't just a kiss, that this kiss had feelings behind it, and that this guy had captured his heart.
His friends had grown up without him, and now he was suddenly in the same place they were, but unlike him they had all picked people who were waiting for them, who were right for them.
And he was left on his own, watching jealously as one of the nicest people he knew giggled and flirted with the boy he loved.
Thursday 5th December
"Oh God, I'm going to fail and he's going to point and laugh and kick me out, oh God why am I even here," Draco watched on in quite amusement as Harry went through a speech he had heard several times before. It always amused him that Snape could reduce the boy who killed Voldemort to a nervous wreck without even being present.
He was less amused to see Blaise step in to calm the other boy down.
Blaise's comments about finding the right person had stuck with him despite himself (and despite the copious amounts of alcohol that had been consumed that evening) and they had slowly been eating away at him.
Could he ever want anyone like that? Could he let himself want someone as much as his mother wanted his father?
'Potions test,' he reminded himself, 'think about the test.' He'd always liked potions – they allowed no room for emotions.
Friday 13th December
"Ninety-five percent!" Harry announced to the common room, most of which didn't really care. "Ninety five percent!"
'Congratu-fucking-lations' Seamus thought bitterly. "So I take it Blaise is a good tutor then."
"The best," Harry gushed, "why, were you having problems with something? 'Cus I'm sure he'd help, sit down together, just the two of you one evening or something," he continued earnestly and Seamus wondered how the other boy could be so naive, or maybe so confident that no one would try to steal his boyfriend. 'But of course I would,' he acknowledged sadly, 'I couldn't do that to Harry. And Ron would kill me.'
Wednesday 18th December
"Ron, have you noticed anything odd about Seamus recently?" Dean rolled over on the bed and looked across at his friend.
"You mean since Harry started going out with Blaise?"
"Well, yes, actually," Dean looked suddenly guilty, "I hadn't even thought about it like that. I just been so wrapped up in myself, you know, Ginny and school and the future and everything. God, I'm a terrible friend."
"Nah, you know Seamus, likes to pretend nothing's wrong."
"So why did you notice and I didn't?"
"I was watching…that sounds rather sinister doesn't it?"
"Yes actually!"
Dean was silent for a moment, wrapped up in guilty thoughts. Harry and Ron had always looked out for each other, while he, Seamus and Neville were a trio, but suddenly Ron was noticing things about his best friend that he was missing. "What do I do now?"
"Who do I look like, Hermione?" Dean threw a pillow at him which Ron just caught and placed on top of his own. "Seriously though, I think it'll work itself out."
Ron had that glint in his eye that Dean usually associated with particularly devious Quidditch strategies and the boy thought it was probably best to leave his friend to it.
In the Slytherin dormitories Draco was coming to something of a revelation himself.
"Just because I wasn't meant to fall for Potter, doesn't mean it couldn't happen." Blaise had said the words, but Draco was beginning to realise that those words could have applied to him, did apply to him.
He was finding himself jealous all the time these days, which struck him as rather ironic. When he had had Harry all to himself he hadn't even given a thought to the idea that the boy would be seeing someone else, hadn't cared either way. But now that Harry wasn't his, he wanted him all to himself.
But was it simply because the unattainable was more attractive, or was it because he had genuine feelings for Harry?
Could he have Harry again if he wanted him? And would he want Harry if he had him?
He knew the boy well enough to know that he wouldn't get a second chance if he messed things up - a second chance either to be his friend or his lover.
He just wished he knew which he wanted to be.
He had enjoyed spending time with the boy, had enjoyed more than simply the sex. They had talked, and laughed, and joked until he felt he could say with utmost confidence that no one knew him better than Harry. But that also meant that no one else could hurt him quite as much as Harry could.
But maybe, he thought, getting hurt is all part of growing up; maybe we all need to take chances if we are ever to achieve anything in our lives.
But Draco had never been very good at getting hurt, his instinct for self preservation had always been too strong. Maybe, he mused, he had avoided any sort of proper relationship with Harry because he recognised that Harry had the capacity to hurt him because he had allowed himself to love Harry. He certainly hadn't wanted to love Harry, but if he was honest with himself – and it was about time, his conscience told him firmly – if he were honest with himself, he would have to admit that he had fallen for Harry a long time ago and that everything he had done was an act of self preservation because he had fallen in love with the wrong person.
Because Draco Malfoy had no business loving Harry Potter, they were so different, with different goals, different beliefs, different lives. It was doomed from the outset, that much had been painfully obvious. But Draco had failed to realise that the world had moved on from when he first fell in love with Harry. Voldemort was dead, his father was in jail and his mother was picking up the pieces of her life, trying to start again.
Things had changed, and maybe it was aright to love Harry now. Draco liked that thought, liked the knowledge that he could date Harry, kiss him in the corridors, hold his hand. They could be a couple...as long as Harry wanted to do all that stuff.
"No one can choose who they love, Draco, just make sure that the person you love loves you back." It seemed to Draco that the only real question was whether or not Harry loved him back. And he didn't think he had the courage to find out the answer to that.
END CHAPTER SEVENWell, what did you think?
I anticipate there being two more chapters left, maybe three at a stretch. Unfortunately, I'm starting uni on Saturday and will have…limited internet access at first, so bear with me please! And check my live journal for info!
Review responses (again, these do not do justice to the reviews I received, but it could have gone on for pages if I had answered you all properly):
wintermoon2: Glad you liked this one.
Isis-mystic: of course he will!
NayNymic: don't worry angst is going away, promise.
Michael Serpent: oh my God! You do realise I'm virtually framing your review. You reviewed me. Sorry, I can be rather a fangirl at times and pretty much adore you and all your works! This is defiantly not a lost cause though.
Tangledhair: no, definitely not, no way, no how. No real Harry/Blaise. Yeah, it would be a ice twist and all, but I'm all for fluff and happily ever after.
TeeDee: don't worry, no fancy, twisting story line for me.
Sapphireskies: wow, glad you like it.
Eriadne: glad you like it. Chapters? Well, I'm not sure, not too many left though, I think, two or three, maybe.
Web Walker: hi, thanks for the review. Glad you like the story.
Slice: my Harry is adorable isn't he? I was worried he'd come off irritating at the end, but no one seems to think so, so yeay!
Malfoy Snogger: Draco is a little dense, itsn't he! Glad you like this story.
juno: someone's being trying to copy me? Who? Where?
Quidditchjunkie: glad you like my flashbacks – they are rather more useful that lots of narrative or other explanations, I think/hope.
Verily: my, aren't we picky with the segue/segway thing! As I'm not sure what segue means/how you say it, I'll bow to your knowledge! Seriously though, you seem to have read me and my story just right! It isn't going to be much longer, and I've always known how it was going to end – it's just the getting there that is taking the time! You are slightly out on the time line though! And definitely no evil characters, this is all fluff and happiness (honest). Seriously though, my jaw dropped when I read your review though, you just had it totally! And isn't wintermoon the best ever?!
mojo-jojo241: yup, you sure can!
OryssaV: thanks, very nice review!
Pamela: update is finally here, hope you like it.
phoenixdreams: glad you like it. There was a tad more Seamus in here, and they'll be more in the next chapter, I promise.
coetzee b: so not Blaise/Harry – which I hope I cleared up in this ones fingers crossed
Hiperson: aw, thanks. Glad you like it.
I Am The Bunny Slayer: cool name, BTW!
chibidark angel: thanks for the gushing review! And I've updated again, yeay me!
Also thanks to Adeline, kate, BlackWingedBird, Plaintosee, PeachDancer82, Benjis VIP, Waraitai, Atirualita, Libbs, Silverite, MiA, EvilSunshine, AnnaMadeLemonade, Tuesday, cRazy-GIrl-3000, iloveharryanddracoslash, Icklechuck, Scorn-Silverstar, PeaChes12, prt-69, Munkerella, driven to insanity, Slash n burn, SnarryHaco, insanechildfanfic, Charlie Bird, Sapphire Raine, LadyBird, fowler Nsow, crybaby-xx, Pamela, LizhowHP, mai-chan, Elvish Lady, Death Phoenix, Tygrressathear, HpDeVoTeE, High?D, Bernice, Jaquelle, Morsus, Hiperson, Caroline Hal, PalmTreeBlood, NicoletteNick, Famous angel, Jenny-Bean, hp4evar, Athenz, mhs02, Hiperson, Civenus and broken-angel-gurl