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I kissed her. I couldn't believe that I actually kissed her. I took another step. And now im terrified. Im terrified that she will freak out and befriend me. Im scared that she won't like me the way I like her. And I like her way too much. So I pull away.
She stared at me. Confused I can tell. But she kissed me back. I kept saying sorry. But I know I really didn't mean it. I was so happy that I actually kissed her. I finally kissed Ashley Davies.
"Spencer." I hear her say my name and I stop and stare at her once more. It's something I do a lot. Too much actually.
"It's just that…" I start but I can't finish.
She sits there and waits for me to finish. So I do. "I like you a lot. And I've wanted to do that since the first day of tryouts." I say really quite and stare at my bed spread
I feel her hand on mine once again, "Why'd you wait so long?" She asks me as I look up at her
She's smiling so I return the smile back. I lean in closer, "Im crazy like that." I say quietly and I kiss her again.
You know when the thing that you really want and then when you finally get it, it gets ruined? Well, that happened here. My mom and Alan walked in on Ashley and me making out. My hand was already making its way up her shirt. Her hand was on my upper thigh and still moving.
We pull apart and we jump off of the bed. We both stare at my mom and Alan. My mother is staring daggers at Ashley. She grabs my hand. I follow my mom's gaze and I grip Ashley's hand tighter.
"Get out of my house!" She yells at Ashley
Alan walks over to her and grabs her by her arm. He has no right grabbing her like that. I push him and he loses his grip on her arm. My mom is yelling again and there are tears in my eyes as I watch my world around me start to fall.
My mom slaps me across my face and I fall to the ground on my knees. I hold my cheek and I watch Ashley being shoved out of my room. My mom is still yelling at me. She pulls me off my floor and I make a run for it. I run down the stairs that Ashley and Alan just recently walked down.
I see Alan push Ashley out of the front door and slam the door. My mom is behind me and she's still yelling. I run to the door and opened it and he grabs me arm. Ashley turns around and stares at me. He yanks me back and my mom curses at her and then she slammed the door.
I was forced to sit down on the stairs. There is no where to go. I can't run. So I sit. "What the hell has gottan into you, Spencer?" My mom says it coldly
She walks over to me and slaps me again. I force the tears back. I can't cry in front of her again. I won't. It's just a sign of weakness to her. I sit there and I listen to her go on and on about what I was just doing was wrong.
I finally have enough of her badmouthing Ashley. I stand up and I stare hard at her, "Stop talking about her like that!" I start to raise my voice
"Spencer, what you were doing was completely wrong!" There are tears in her eyes, "And I will not have you sleeping around with that… thatslut."
I bit my lower lip and I glare at her, "I hate you." I say it coldly and I turn around and push Alan out of the way. I run up to my room and I slam the door.
When I get into my room, I move my dresser in front of my door so no one can come in. Then I let my tears fall. But not too many. I walk over to my nightstand and unlock my top drawer. I look inside of it and there are my personal things. My journal and my razor.
I swallow hard and I take a deep breath as I pull it out of the drawer. I sit down on my bed and I take another deep breath. I place it on my left wrist and I shiver because of the cold metal. I close my eyes and I can't do it.
Ashley keeps popping into my head. Her reaction when she found out that I did it. I won't do it. I can't. I stand up from my bed and I throw the razor back into the drawer. But instead of cutting, I punch my wall...
I punched it hard enough to break my middle, ring, and pinkie knuckle. I fall to the ground as I hold my hand in pain. A few more tears fall but I don't wipe them away.
A few minutes pass and im still on the floor on my knees. Still holding my hand. I finally look at my hand and try to move my fingers. I can't and I then know that I broke the knuckles.
I stare at my broken hand and I can't believe what I just did. No more tears fall anymore. I won't let them. I wiped them away from my cheeks and my eyes. I will not cry over this. I will not because I wanted to do it. Out of my own selfish deeds.
I lay on my bed and I lay there for a while. I want to call Ashley, but I can't. My phone is still at her house. I soon fall asleep listening to my iPod.
The next morning, my alarm clock went off. I laid there for a moment thinking what happened the night before was just a dream. But when I hit the snooze button, I knew it wasn't. It wasn't even close.
I turn off my alarm clock and I sit on my bed for a moment. I examine my hand and it's swollen. I sigh as I stand up. I look around my room and see my dresser in front of my door and my top drawer of my nightstand is still opened. I close that and lock it before I try to attempt to move my dresser back where it's supposed to be.
When I finally get everything done, I get dressed. I wore my DC jacket that has thumb holes in it so it would at least cover up my knuckles. Today is the day I was so not looking forward too.
I look at myself in my full length mirror. There is a slight bruise on my right cheek from where my mom kept slapping me. And she slaps hard.
I sigh and I slip into my black converse and I make my way downstairs. I look outside and my mom isn't there. She already left. I pick up my soccer bag and I grab an apple and I start to walk to school.
I get to school when the bell rings. I have to hurry to the locker room to put my bag inside the cage where everyone else's bags are. I see Ashley's already there. I sigh and I already know that I'll be late to class so I take my time.
The first 2 periods went by really slow. Second period, Rachel didn't even look at me. Why the hell is she so mad at me? No one else is.
At break, I walked into the quad alone. I found Abby and as I started to walk up to her, I saw Rachel. I took a deep breath as I walked up to them both. "Hey." I say quietly. I fake a smile.
"Whatever." Rachel walks off and I roll my eyes
"What's up with you two?" Abby asks as she takes a drink from her water
I forgot about my hand as I tried to put them into my jean pockets. I winced and replaced them back down by my side. Abby stares at my right hand, "What's wrong with your hand?" She asked
I look down at it, "Can I talk to you?" I ask her
She nods, "Well um… I don't know if you're going to hate me or anything, but…Im gay." I tell her
I stare at her and she doesn't say anything but smile, "I already knew." She said
I wrinkled my forehead in confusion, "How?" I ask
"It's written all over you." She laughs a little, "So, what happened to your hand?"
I tell her the whole story within the 10 minutes we have for break. I even told her that my parents were really divorced and that my mom was getting remarried. And I told her that I had a big crush on Ashley and that we kissed last night.
After break, I went to my next class. After third period ended, I walked outside of the classroom and looked down the hall way. I haven't seen Ashley the whole day. I wonder where she is.
I walk pass her classroom and I head off to math. Im almost there when I hear my name being called. I turn around and she runs up to me. "Hey." She says in a low voice
"Im sorry about last night." I tell her and I stare at the ground. We've stopped.
"Yeah, um it's cool." I look at her and she's looking somewhere else.
I start to walk again and she follows, "So um, did it get worse after I left?" she puts her hands into her jean pockets
I nod and that's all I did. She stops and makes me stop and she pulls me into a hug. I hug her back and I whisper into her shoulder that I was sorry again. She pulls back but not far enough. Her arms are still around me, "Stop saying you're sorry." She smiles and we walk to our next class
At practice though was a little tough because I couldn't hide my hand. We had a 7 on 7 game. Ashley and I were on different teams. Rachel was on mine along with Chelsea. Madison and Trisha were on Ashley's team.
We all got really into the game. A little too much actually. Chelsea kicked the ball and I was running towards her. The ball came flying towards my face and I threw my hands up in front of my face to shield me from it. It was an instinct actually. Something comes flying towards your face, you either duck, or block it. I blocked it. It hit my hand and I fell to my knees holding my hand. I took deep breaths. I thought I was strong enough to pull it off but I wasn't.
"Come on Spencer, get your ass up!" Rachel yelled
"Spence you ok?" Coach Allen asked as he walked over to me
Chelsea looked at my hand, "Holy shit, did I break it?" She exclaimed and Ashley walked over
Ashley knelt down next to me and Coach Allen examined my right hand. "Come on Carlin, we need to get this examined." He helped me up
Ashley stood up too and watched me walk off. I felt so bad not telling Chelsea that she really didn't do this to me.
I sat down next to Sammy and she looked at my hand, "Ha that looks like mine when I punched a wall a few years ago." Coach Allen stared at her in confusion and then back at me.
"Did you punch a wall?" I nod and he shakes his head. He examines it closer, "Well Spencer, you broke three knuckles." Yeah thanks for telling me Captain Obvious
He ended practice early that day. Only 10 minutes early though. At least this happened at the end and not the beginning.
Ashley and Chelsea ran over to me. I was talking to Sammy about something. They sat down next to me, "Dude, Spence, im sorry about your hand, I didn't mean—" I cut her off
"It wasn't you. It was already like this." I said quietly but loud enough for her to hear me
"Oh, what'd you do?" She asked
I sat there for a moment thinking of something I could tell her. But I came up with nothing so I shook my head. She got up and left along with Sammy.
"What'd you do, Spencer?" Ashley asked me
I looked down at my hand, "Punched my wall…" I tell her
She sighs, "Spencer, for real. Why do you have to hurt yourself?" She asks
I look at her and she stares back at me. She shakes her head. I look away. "Here." I hear her say and then my cell phone lands in my lap. "I really wish you'd stop hurting yourself." She tells me and walks over to Madison, Rachel, and Chelsea.
I really wish I would too. But she doesn't understand you know? She doesn't understand what I go through. Right?
Ok there is chapter 12! If you're thinking that this was going to be the worse thing, its not. Lol. Review!