I made this one longer since the last chapter was short. And that's why I updated again today. But it doesnt really count since it's like in the middle of the night. Lol. So um yeah. Another chapter that is kind of hard to write. Not really, just the last half. So yeah… it's going to be another really intense chapter. Are you ready to read it?
I laid on my bed waiting for Ashley to call me to tell me that she's here. It's around 8 now and I've been waiting for about half an hour. I wonder what's taking her so long. I roll over onto my side and I stare at the picture I have in a frame on my nightstand. It's of Chelsea, Madison, Rachel, Ashley, and me after our first scrimmage game. We all went out to eat afterwards. We're all muddy and sweaty and we still went to a nice restaurant that evening. We look like we had an awesome time.
I sigh as I get really impatient. She is taking forever! I grab my phone and im about to call her when my phone rings. It's her and it's about damn time too. "Bout time." I let out a little laugh so she knows that im joking
You know what I don't understand between us? One day we're fighting, and then we aren't. Why is that? "I know I know. Meet me in your tree house." I hear her walking through some leaves that are in my back yard.
"Im on my way." I hang up as I walk downstairs and into the kitchen. I make sure that Alan nor does my mom see me sneaking outside
I run over to the tree house and I climb up the steps. When I get into the tree house, "Took you long enough?" She smiles at me
I chuckle as I sit down next to her. I can tell that she took a shower right before she came over because she smells like she did. You know how you can tell if someone just took a shower because you can still smell their soap and shampoo on them? Well yeah, that's how I knew.
We sit silent together. Just listening to each others breathing. I hear her sigh once and I don't really know what it was about. The silence between us is getting really awkward now and I really don't know why. I mean, it shouldn't you know? We're pretty close, so why the awkwardness now? I try to break the tension, "So, this weather we've been having, huh?" She laughs as she looks over at me
Then she sighs again and just stares at me, "When do you have to leave?" She asks quietly
I hate it when she talks quite. It makes me nervous and I don't like it. I shrug my shoulders, "I don't know. They never said. But im guessing really soon." I lean my head back against the wall we're sitting up against. Then I feel her head on my shoulder and I feel her take a deep breath in. She lets it out slowly and we fall into that silence once again.
"I don't want you to go." She tells me not moving her head
Then I hear my mom yell my name. I close my eyes and I wish for her to just disappear. "Me neither." She lifts her head up off my shoulder
My mom yells my name again and I yell that im coming. I scoot closer to the door and I almost start going down when she grabs my hand. I look back at her and she pulls me into a hug, "You know Spence," She starts and she pulls away. I can tell that she is staring into my eyes. Usually this creeps me out. I don't know why though. But when she stares into them, I feel all warm inside. You know? "I never felt… like… this before." I smile at her because she's struggling. I let her continue, "I mean… with a girl." She laughs at herself
"I get what you mean Ash, but if I don't get down there, im going to get in trouble." She smiles at me and nods
We climb down the steps that are nailed onto the tree and we meet at the bottom. We stare at each other for a few seconds too long and we hug good bye. "Night Spence." She smiles at me and starts to walk away.
"Night Ashley." I watch her pull out her cell phone and hit a couple of buttons. Before she's out of ear shot, I hear her tell Aiden to come pick her up.
I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Then I walk back inside my house. What this girl does to me. I sit down at the kitchen table and I just sit there. Then Glen walks in and stares at me funny. She motions for me to come with him upstairs. I wonder when he even got here.
We go into his room and we sit on his bed, "What's up Spence. Why are you so down?" He asks me as he fiddles with his bedspread
I stare at him for a second. I think I can trust him but im not too sure. I've talked to him a lot before, but not about… girl problems. He might hate me. I sigh big and I look up at him, "Just this girl." He looks at me and doesn't say anything. So I continue, "She took something of mine, and now she is teasing me with it." Nothing. He waits for me to continue. I really wish he would say something. At least like an 'ok' or like 'who?'. But he doesn't. "I think… im pretty sure that I… no im positive that--"
He cuts me off, "Just spit it out Spence." He smiles a little at me
"I love her, Glen." I swallow hard, "And it seems like she doesn't even like me like that." I stare down at the bed spread. I wait for him to freak out.
"It's that Ashley girl isn't it?" I look back up at him and nod
"How'd you know?" I ask really curious
He smiles at me, "Spencer, im your older brother. I can tell these things. But, I hate to be the one to actually tell you what im going to tell you." His smile disappeared and im kind of scared to hear what he has to say, "You just need to get over her. Maybe moving away will help you with that. You know?" I nod. Maybe he's right. "She's one of the most popular girls in the 10th grade. That doesn't seem much to you, since you're in the 9th, but she probably one of the girls at school who every girl wants to be. And in your case, wants to go out with." He smiles at me and I slap his arm
"Shut up." I smile and turn away shyly
I look at him again when he starts to speak again. "She won't admit that she's gay to anyone besides you because she doesn't want to ruin her reputation." He tells me and then I realize that he's right. I just need to get over her. Move on. I have Todd. Well, not for long. That reminds me, I need to break up with him tomorrow. Aw, that's going to break his heart!
I look at my brother again and I smile, "Thanks Glen." I say quietly and I hug him. He's always there for me to talk to. But he still doesn't know everything. And he won't ever know.
I start to walk to my room when I see Alan walk out of the office. He stares at me in a disgusted way, "Spencer." He says and walks passed me I can smell alcohol on him. It's really strong.
"Jackass." I say under my breath
Im lucky he didn't hear me, "We're leaving Saturday afternoon." He slurs his words as I watch him walk down the steps and when I can't see him anymore, I walk into my room.
I close the door and I slowly walk over to my bed and lay down on it. That's in two days. I grab my phone and I open it up. I dial Ashley's number first. Well isn't this just the way to start to get over her. She doesn't pick up and it goes straight to her voicemail. I really don't want to tell her over her voicemail that im leaving in 3 days, but I don't find myself hanging up the phone. "Ash hey, it's me… Spencer." I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly, "Look, im leaving Saturday. So um," I sigh then, "Call me back if you want." I said the last part really quite and I hang up the phone.
I set my phone on my nightstand and I lay there. Why do I feel like complete shit still? I shouldn't feel this way. I should be at least a little happy. I turn on my iPod and I sit up in my bed. A million things are running in my head, and for once, Ashley isn't one of them.
I look around my room and its pitch black besides the moonlight shining in. I start to lay back down when my door flies open and Alan walks in. He looks pissed. I take out my head phones and I try to turn off my iPod but he grabs it and throws it down on the ground. I hear my mom scream his name as his hand goes tightly around my neck. He's screaming at me for some reason. I hear him say something about Ashley and that's when I see Glen come in the room. He tightens his grip on my neck and I hear him slur something about how im a slut and something else. I fighting for air now as I try to take his hand off of my neck. He's a lot stronger than he looks.
My mom and Glen pull him off of me and they push him out of the house. I lay there on my bed, listening to my heaving breathing, the screaming going on downstairs, and my cell phone ringing. It's her ring tone.
A tear rolls down my cheek as Glen walks into my room. He walks over to my bed, "Are you ok?" He asks as he sits on the edge of the bed and looks at me
I nod, "Im fine." my voice is really raspy right now and I hear him sigh
"If you need me--" I cut him off
"Im fine Glen." I say coldly and he leaves. Where did that come from? He just practically saved my life from some psycho alcoholic.
I lay awake for hours that night, just laying there. I look at my alarm clock and it reads 1 am. The house is completely silent. I get up slowly and I walk into my bathroom. I turn on the light and I look at my neck. There is a slight bruise where he choked me. It'll probably be darker tomorrow, but nothing that cover-up can't cover up. That's what it's for, right?
I walk into my room again and I open my top drawer of my nightstand. I pull out my journal and I write in it. I write in it every night no matter what. And then I pull out the razor when im finished writing. I haven't seen this for a long time now. A couple of months I think. I know it's been a long time since I have cut. I never really had a reason too. Well, actually I did, but I fought off the temptation by calling Ashley. But tonight, my mind blocked her out. Im thinking about everything but her.
I grab the towel and I lay it on my bed. I place the razor on my left wrist and I press down and I slide it across quickly. My breathing is heavy again as I watch a little trickle of blood run down and off of my wrist. The razor is dull so I cut the same spot again. A little more blood spills out now.
My right hand is shaking as I hold the razor. I take a deep breath in as I place it on a different spot on my wrist. I press down but Ashley's ring tone brings me back to reality. I drop the razor onto the towel and I stare at my wrist. It hurts. I grab my phone and im about to flip it open when I realized that I can't talk to her right now. I wouldn't be able too. I ignore her call and I turn my phone off. I wrap the towel around the cut, and I finally fall asleep.
I almost don't go to school the next day because I over slept. Glen did the same. We both got ready at our own pace and neither one of us said a word to each other until we got to school. We said bye and that was it.
I walked onto the school campus and I went straight to my 4th period class. Math. The one I've been dreading since I fell asleep last night.
The room goes quiet when I open the door. I take in a deep breath and I keep my head low. "Carlin you're late." My teacher tells me
"Whatever." I take my seat. I don't look at anyone. I would usually cross my arms now, but I don't. I sit low in my seat and I avoid eye contact with anyone.
"Excuse me?" The teacher is walking over to me and my eyes are already burning. I swallow hard again and I don't say anything. My voice is raspy today I noticed when I said goodbye to Glen. "See me after class Carlin." He walks off
"I have other plans." I say and the whole class looks over at me. The teacher turns around and looks at me. I finally look up at him and his eyes go straight to my neck. I apparently didn't do such a good job in covering it up
The students are looking at him now, waiting for him to tell me that I have detention or a referral or something. My eyes are burning even more now, "What the hell are you doing?" Abby turns around to me and she spots it too
I grab my backpack and I leave the classroom. I can't handle this right now. If I listen to it anymore, im going to cry. Im walking down the hallway and a tear escapes. "Spencer!" It's Abby
I keep walking. I hear her footsteps behind me and someone else's. I knew that she wouldn't be alone. I keep walking and another tear escapes. They just need to stop falling. Please.
They catch up to me and its Abby and Ashley. They both stare at me. I tighten my jaw and I look away from them. I wish they would get out of my way. "What happened to you?" If only Abby knew already and I didn't have to tell her
Abby grabs my left wrist and I wince, "Abs, can I talk to Spencer alone real quick?" Ashley looks over at Abby and she's hesitant at first but agrees. She walks back to class and Ashley looks at me
She doesn't say anything but pull me into the girls' bathroom that we were standing by. She checks to see if anyone is in there before she locks the door. She walks over to me and she takes my left arm and slides my sleeve up slowly. She stops when she sees it and more tears are rolling down my cheeks now. Im staring at the ground so I don't know what her expression is and im too scared to look at her. I just need to push her away and get over her. She lifts my head up by my chin and she runs her fingers over the bruise that Alan left last night. She stares into my watery eyes and I look away. "I can't do this, Ashley." I say quietly
"Do what?" She's holding my hands now and she's too close for me to push away now. I want her closer but I remember what Glen told me. I have to get over her. She will never love me like I love her.
"Everything!" I raised my voice and she jumps back a little from my reaction, "This. You. Life." More tears roll down. She goes to wipe them away but I push her back, "No Ashley. Don't." I say coldly, "You've hurt me enough and im done being hurt." I add and I look at her. I tighten my jaw and I have no clue where all this is coming from. "By you especially." I start to walk over to the door but she grabs my hands again and pushes me into the wall
I start to breath heavy and she pins me to the wall, "Spencer, you need help ok?" She gets closer to my face and I push her off of me
"I don't need you telling me what I need ok? I know what I need. But I can't do it." I tell her breathing heavy again. I slide down the wall and sit on the ground. She is still staring at me shocked by my behavior. She kneels down in front of me and stares into my eyes, "I need you. And I need to fall out of love with you." I tell her
"Spencer, you don't love me." She says quietly, "You cant." She adds and I put my knees down and she comes closer to me
"But I do and I can't help it. I want you Ashley. But, I can't have you." She has tears forming in her eyes and she shouldn't have them. She's supposed to be the strong one here. And then one drops, "Don't cry Ashley." I tell her kind of demanding as my voice cracks
Her forehead is on my forehead, "Spencer, you can't." She says like it's that simple for me to stay
"But I do." And I kiss her for the last time. I taste her lips once more before I leave. I let our tongues fight one more time. "I have to go." I push her away and I stand up. I unlock the door and grab the handle. I look at her one more time. I open my mouth to say something but I don't. I just leave. I leave her on the floor. She looked hurt and I know I won't see her again for a long time. Because im not coming to school tomorrow and im leaving right now to go back home.
There it issss. I never realized how self-fish or self-less I was. Geez. Lol. Oh and if you were wondering, what my sudden break out with my "brother" was about, it's because just recently I was diagnosed with the bi-polar disorder. Lol. So it sucks. lol