Disclaimer: They are not mine…just playing.

Author's Notes: Depression is a major issue in Mental Health and our government's initiative to overcome this saw the inception of Beyond Blue (hence the title), an organisation which seeks to inform and educate us and de-stigmatise the condition. At the time I wrote this several leading sportsmen had gone public with their own difficulties with depression – clinical depression, as is highlighted in this story, as well as bipolar disorder.

If you have read any of my other stories you will know I am a HUGE fan of Harm's and this story is an attempt to reflect that depression can affect anyone, at anytime. If you are offended by this in anyway, I apologise and I ask you don't continue to read it. As always, these stories are fiction – some will like them more than others, you don't have to read things you don't like- that's the choice we have as readers

If you do suffer from depression, or any illness, I encourage you to seek assistance from your doctor, family & friends or from an organisation like Beyond Blue. There are avenues of assistance out there.

Having said all that, I'll leave you in peace to read it.

Thanks

Nettie

Thought I'd leave the author's note in place…just in case. Thanks for the warm and supportive reviews and messages. I do appreciate it.

--------------------BEYOND BLUE --------------------

Monday 0630

JAG Headquarters

Bud was surprised to see Harm at his desk when he arrived at work early on Monday morning. Harm was never in early. He knocked on the door and said good morning. It was instantly obvious that Harm had had very little sleep over the weekend.

"How are you feeling this morning, Harm?" Bud asked.

"Huh?" replied Harm looking up from his desk which was covered in files and reference books.

"I said how are you?" he repeated.

"Busy," Harm replied curtly.

"Anything I can do to help?" Bud offered.

"I'm just looking into the Tomlinson case," Harm explained, glancing up at Bud.

"Sir, I thought we…" he began.

"Back to sir I see," Harm noted, a slight smile on his weary face.

"Harm, I thought we discussed this. There is nothing more to this case," Bud said,

"You're right Bud. I've spent all weekend at it and there's nothing there. If I had the same case again I wouldn't do anything different," he said confidently.

"Glad to hear."

Still, by the end of the day Harm's demeanour had not improved. The Tomlinson matter had just been one in a long line of problems that had invaded his life. Sergei had gone back to Russia and there had been all the upheaval over Loren Singer's death. He hadn't really put the events of Paraguay behind him, just pushed them to the side. He hadn't come to terms with what Mac had said to him down there or her relationship with Webb. Whilst he had been glad to come back to JAG after his stint with the CIA he was struggling with the new Commanding Officer. Mattie had been a highlight in a bleak few years but she had returned to her father and he was on his own again.

Bud had watched as Harm chewed out a Petty Officer who hadn't passed on an unimportant phone message. He had nearly thrown the books back into the library and had been uncharacteristically rude to Sturgis. He had gone into see the General and left subdued.

"Harm, I think you need to go home," said Bud entering his office.

Harm was staring out the window. When he turned around it was obvious that he was near tears but Bud didn't comment on it.

"Sorry Bud, what did you say?" Harm apologised.

"I think you need to go home. You need sleep," Bud said gently.

"I know but …" he began but stopped abruptly.

"But…?" Bud prompted. Harm shook his head. "You're not sleeping, are you?"

"Not really," Harm admitted.

"What about taking something to help you?" Bud suggested.

"No, I don't think it's a good idea."

"It might help."

"Bud, close the door." Bud did so. "Bud, all I want to do is sleep. I don't really want come to work, I don't want to go out, I just want to sleep. I think if I took something that maybe I'd be tempted to have more than I needed…just to stay asleep."

Bud wasn't sure if his friend's comments inferred suicide or not. "Harm?"

"Oh no, Bud, don't look so worried. I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

"Good," Bud said.

"I just feel so…so tired," he said wearily.

Well, instead of the tablets how about something else?" Bud asked.

"Like what? I'll try anything," he replied.

"How about you come and stay with Harriet and me for a while?" he offered.

"Bud, that's very generous of you but I'm sure Harriet doesn't need a house guest," Harm reminded him.

"It will be fine with her. She'd love to have you around," Bud enthused.

"I don't see how staying with you will help me."

"You'll be around people who care and we will make sure you eat properly and sleep properly."

"I don't know," Harm dithered.

"Let's give it a try for a week if it doesn't work then we can look at something else."

Reluctantly Harm conceded he knew he had to do something. For weeks now he had thought about seeing a therapist or someone before things got completely out of hand. Maybe some TLC from the Roberts would be the ticket.

Monday 1930

Roberts Residence

Although not ideal in its timing, Harriet had responded better than Bud expected when he broke the news to her that afternoon over the phone. She knew Harm, being the independent person he was, would never have agreed to stay with them had he not been feeling so low. She had made the necessary preparations in the guestroom and had even cooked Harm's favourite vegetarian risotto for dinner.

When AJ had come home from school she had explained to the excited little boy that Uncle Harm would be spending a week with them. When pressed for a reason, Harriet had lied and said his apartment was being fumigated. AJ bought this as he had no reason to doubt his own mother and beloved uncle. Harriet then phoned Bud and confessed her lie so they could keep their stories straight. Harm thought the fumigation story was one he could use and he let both the General and Jennifer know of his temporary change in residence and the reason why.

Harm's arrival at the Roberts' was greeted with screams of delight from AJ. He ran to open the door and hugged his uncle legs.

"Uncle Harm, Uncle Harm, I've got a new PSII game, do you want to play it with me?" AJ said breathlessly before Harm even had the chance to step through the door.

"AJ, please give Uncle Harm a chance to come in," Harriet said.

"Oh sorry." AJ stepped aside and Harm walked in carrying a small suitcase, a suit bag, his briefcase and laptop. AJ grabbed the briefcase and ran ahead of Harm up the stairs.

"I'll show you where you are sleeping it's right next to my room." AJ ran ahead, not waiting for anyone. Slowly Harm trudged up the stairs unsure as to whether staying here for a week would make him feel any better at all.

Over dinner the conversation was kept light and easy. Bud asked AJ about school and AJ regaled them with various accounts of playground trials and tribulations. The little boy chatted about a homework assignment he needed to do that week and the perfect score he got on a spelling test that day. By the time AJ had finished the dessert dishes were being cleared away and Harm had said nothing.

He stood to help Harriet with the dishes but she shooed him away explaining that even being so pregnant she was able to put crockery and cutlery into the dishwasher. AJ came charging in and asked Harm again about playing his new PSII game with him. Before he had a chance to reply Bud answered for him.

"AJ, you know the rule about no PSII on school nights, besides it is nearly time for bed, go up and get your pyjamas on please."

"Oh dad," AJ protested but it was to no avail and he eventually went to get changed.

While Bud put the boys to bed, Harriet made tea for herself and Harm and brought it to him in the study.

"Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt your work," she said looking at the files he had taken out of his briefcase.

"You're not Harriet," he said in a sombre tone before replacing the files in the case.

"Harm, I was sorry to hear about the whole Tomlinson thing. He must have been a very confused young man to take his own life."

"He must have been," agreed Harm but took no comfort in it.

"Have you heard from Mac lately?" Harriet asked changing the topic.

"She's emailed me."

"Have you replied?" Harm shrugged his shoulders. "Harm, Mac's been TAD for, how long, nearly four weeks. Have you emailed her or spoken to her in that time?" Harriet asked again, now thinking that part of his current funk might be related to the absence of Mac in his life.

"For the first week or so I replied to most of her emails but after that I didn't do it so much. I just replied to ones that were case specific," he said.

"So, what about in the last two weeks?" Harriet asked, Harm just shook his head. "When is she due back?" Harm shrugged his shoulders, it wasn't that he didn't care he just had no interest in anything, not even in himself.

"The Colonel is due back on the 15th of next month," said Bud coming into the room.

"Oh, that's still five weeks away," said Harriet disappointed. She knew having Mac around would give Harm more support and comfort.

"How's Mattie?" ventured Harriet.

"Fine, I hear," replied Harm playing with his empty teacup.

"Has she settled back into school?" Harriet asked.

"Yeah, Jen says she's doing well. She got a few A's, so things must be good," Harm said, no brightness in his voice as was once there when he spoke of Mattie.

"Does she know you are here, in case she wants to ring you?" asked Bud.

"I'm sure Jen will tell her."

"Harm, when did you last speak to her?" asked Harriet.

"I don't know."

"A week, two weeks?" she prompted.

"Harriet, I don't remember. What difference does it make?"

"Harm, you are cutting yourself off from the people who mean the most to you. You haven't spoken to Mattie or Mac in recent times and I'll take a bet that you haven't spoken to your mom either, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, so?"

"So, we're concerned about you. We care about you and we want to help you through this."

"Look Harriet, Bud, I appreciate what you're doing for me and I know I need help but…" his voice trailed.

"But what?" she said gently.

"I … I just don't know where to begin, how I start to get over this or through this or around this. Hell, I don't even know what this is." He placed the cup back on the table and looked at his friends with tear filled eyes. In all the traumas and tragedies in his life he had never felt this despondent, this sense of nothingness.

Harriet moved next to him and took his hand. She rested her head on his shoulder.

"Harmon Rabb Jr, this is where we begin, right here, right now," she whispered.

"Right here, right now," Bud echoed.

Harm closed his eyes and prayed they were right.