The song mentioned in this chapter is Vermillion- Part 2 by Slipknot. The first time I heard it I IMMEDIATELY thought of Jacob. I knew I had to use it at some point and this seemed as good a time as any. Thanks to my beta, Kate Pedroso, you're awesome.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Stephenie, I hope I did Jacob justice.
After my conversation with Embry and Quil on the beach I felt myself starting to slip back into my depression; if you wanted to call it that. I honestly didn't know how to label it. I just wanted to be alone and left to sulk for awhile. I returned home and holed up in my room all that night and well into the following day, just contemplating the twists and turns of my life.
Quil had brought up a valid point, and now I had more to think about than Bella. Though I refused to think about the subject of imprinting, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life anymore. I had been so focused lately on our 'duty' of protecting the reservation that I hadn't thought about the path my life would take as an individual. I could feel despair surround me.
I know teenagers often go through these kind of phases where they don't know what they want to do, but you add in the complication of being a werewolf and it just made everything that much harder. Embry was right in a way; it wasn't going to be easy to control ourselves. I have more control than the others at times, but sometimes it still takes every ounce of self control I have to stay focused. I didn't know how the others were going to handle it.
Sam wouldn't be worrying about any of this. He was a handyman and carpenter. He had never attended any type of technical college or university and was doing fine. It was still a job with some flexibility. The only background I had was in mechanics, but I didn't know if I wanted to make a career of it. I couldn't see myself working for someone else in a big garage, but I couldn't see working right out of our little makeshift garage either. Part of me enjoyed it so much that I wanted to keep it a hobby. The second something becomes work it loses some of the fun.
I still have some time to think about it, I reminded myself. It isn't like there is a deadline. I figured I'd eventually have to discuss this one with someone; not that Billy would be a whole lot of help. If Bella and I were still….well, if she was around, she'd be the perfect person to talk to. At one time she had been worrying about this same thing herself.
This last February Bella had stopped over one day to ride motorcycles and we'd ended up having a small picnic lunch on the beach. She was finishing her senior year and Charlie had been bugging her about picking a college. She admitted that she still didn't know what she wanted to do. College was a thought but not something she really concentrated on because she was still trying to put herself together into something recognizable. Her grades had been slipping and it was so late in the year she didn't think she'd be able to get in anywhere. Most application deadlines had passed, although that didn't bother her much.
"Who would want me working for them? I'm trouble, remember," Bella had said. "I can't walk across a flat surface without tripping over my own two feet, and I can barely work anything electronic." I knew her clumsiness bothered her at times. I had once mentioned wrapping her in bubble wrap to keep her from getting hurt, but then she had worried about accidentally smothering herself.
"What about being a teacher?" It had seemed like a safe enough job. "You could work with kids, that way you'd only have to work with safety scissors, glue, and construction paper. The worst thing that could possibly happen would be what? You get a paper cut maybe?" I had meant this to be a joke, but the look that crossed her face at the thought of a paper cut told me I had said something wrong. Tears spilled over her cheeks in massive amounts. I had reached out to her and held her close as she sobbed. I had run my fingers through her hair, kissed the top of her head, and rocked her until she could speak again.
She tried to joke with me to lighten the mood again. "When have you ever seen me with a kid, or even heard me talk about one? I'm like a time bomb, Jake. It wouldn't be safe to be around kids."
We had spent the rest of the afternoon bouncing vague ideas off each other, but she never really showed any enthusiasm. Now she would never have to work. The Cullen's had so much money that they didn't know what to do with it all. Plus, if Bella was…turned, she wouldn't be able to be around people much, for awhile anyway. Arrrgh! Back to this again. I have to ignore that thought right now.. My mind seemed to be working in circles and I could feel a massive headache coming on.
When I was stressed in the past I used to just isolate myself in my room, put on my headphones, and turn on some hard rock or metal. I'd sing along or concentrate on the lyrics and the beat so much that I would be adequately distracted. But that was before and now it was harder. I hadn't listened to my favorite CD in months, so I dug it out of my case and laid down on the bed. The energy in the songs was making me relax a bit when I got to one song I wish I hadn't; but I couldn't bring myself to skip it either.
"She seemed dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself "
The music was fluid and brought such amazing emotions forward in me. The love I felt for Bella swelled and felt like a live creature inside me. It was like a soundtrack for these last few months with her.
"She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad"
I could picture her the last day she was here, laying in bed next to me. She had professed her love for me and that she wanted a life with me, the same one I had often dreamed of. Marriage, children, and growing old together. She wanted it and she wanted me, but she walked away from it all. The unavoidable feeling of rejection returned. My closed eyes leaked tears out the side as my brow furrowed.
"I catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into pieces
I won't - no
I don't want to be this"
"But I won't let this build up inside of me
But I won't let this build up inside of me
But I won't let this build up inside of me"
I repeated that final verse in my head over and over and over again. It's going to have to become my mantra at some point. I doubted she was going to come back, even to visit, and that saddened me immensely. I had lost a love but I had also lost one of the best friends I had ever hadI was just going to have to move on and end my mourning, because it wasn't helping anyone, let alone me. I was calm, resigned to the fact that she wasn't coming back. No desire or hope that I might have was going to change that.
When the song had finished I sat up in bed and laid the CD player aside. I repeated the promise to myself that the song had ingrained in me. I won't let this build up inside of me. With that I left my room to find my brothers.
I'm sorry you guys see this as just another short, depressing chapter but its a break up, those depressed times are bound to happen. BUT I promise that this is the last where Jacob will wallow alone in self pity. Things will start to look up for him from here and the chapters get much longer. Please keep reading and reviewing. I'm not hearing much from anyone in reviews but the story will go on anyway. Stay tuned!