Chapter 3: "Geez"
Part I: What the hell?
"I still don't understand why he did this to you Kairi. He's such a jerk," Namine said as she rubbed Neosporin on my cuts. I winced. I figured my sister wouldn't understand even if I did explain what really happened. I didn't feel like explaining. I didn't fully grasp what happened either. I held some ice on my head to stop the swelling as well as to make the pain stop. We were home now and I wanted to forget the whole thing.
"Can we just forget about it please? I've got a headache," I whined. Namine giggled and said, "I imagine so." She finished applying the medicine and sat next to me on my bed. She sighed.
"Geez… I haven't seen Sora get that angry since… well… never. That was kind of hot."
"Oh Namine. Please don't start!"
"Well he was. He was acting real tough and it was hot. It reminded me a lot of other things I like about him…" I sat and listened even though I knew I'd regret it. Namine had some far off look as she recollected memories buried way down in the farthest and deepest depths of her mind.
"When he ignored me today I felt really dumb and scared. I didn't want to lose him… I don't want to lose him. But after seeing him today, it's like I don't even know him anymore. Like he's changed right in front of me but I've been so busy looking somewhere else that I've failed to realize that he's no longer the guy I knew and no longer my boyfriend."
"He's still your guy Ne'," I offered. My sister shook her head a little with a soft smile on her face.
"No. He's not…"
"Well! Geez! What'd you expect? You're sleeping with his best friend!"
"Hush! I know that! But Riku… I always knew it wouldn't last! I always knew I wanted Sora… but every time I tried to end it with Riku… I just can't stop now and I don't know why. I don't know if it's about the sex or… something else. And I haven't wanted to find the answer to that because I know I'd lose Sora and I want Sora. Then there's a big gulf separating us now because of this secret I've been hiding…"
"Tell him Namine."
"No! Then I'll lose him forever! I want to try to find a balance. Some solid ground. Then I'll dump Riku and work things out with Sora." I felt my heart clench painfully and I abruptly turned away from her. Sora didn't deserve to be put second. I didn't understand how hard it was to tell Riku to step off! I cried a little. This secret wasn't just making her life difficult, and I wished she would see that already. I wished she'd understand that she wasn't the only one who loved Sora.
"I wish you'd hurry up. It's not right to do him like this."
"I know…"
"And he's worried about you! You can be so dumb at times!"
"I know…"
"Go away! If you know then why do you insist on making people suffer? Goodnight!" I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but I guess that I did because the hairs on my neck began to rise and I knew that she was giving me a death glare.
"What? You're really angry aren't you? How do you get to be angry? You don't even understand what the hell's going on! You've never had a boyfriend! You've never loved someone! How do you get to be angry when none of this concerns you?? Geez, I just needed a friend to listen to me without judging me and when I think that person is my sister she turns out to be just as judgmental as the rest of them!" I bit my tongue trying not to explode. I didn't mean to be judgmental. I just spoke the truth.
"Maybe you deserved that ass kicking! I hate you Kairi!"
"Maybe if you'd kept your pants on and your legs closed we would never be having this discussion! And not only that, but what do you expect Namine? I love Sora too! I mean, how do you think I feel about keeping this from him even though I know how much it'll hurt him? Namine! God! You're a moron!" She didn't say anything but sat glaring at me.
"…You're not gay?"
"What?? No! No I'm not! Geez, I mean… what the hell?"
"Sorry. I just thought… well you hangout with Selphie all the time and you touch her a lot and you turn guys down and… I just thought you were gay." My anger subsided and embarrassment took its place. Why'd she think I was gay? None of the evidence she provided seemed good enough! I left boys alone because I didn't want to deal with their BS! Or at least… that's what I told myself… No! I most certainly was not gay!
"But you have a crush on my boyfriend so I know you're not gay now. But if you were I'm just sayin', I'd still love you." That made everything a lot better.
"I don't like Sora like that!"
"Well… then are you gay after all? Geez Kairi that's gross!"
"But you just said…? Namine! I'm not gay!"
"Then… why don't you like Sora? What's wrong with him besides the fact that he's my boyfriend?"
"I…I… hm…," I didn't know how to answer. How'd she jump to the conclusion that I was both gay and liked Sora all at the same time? How the hell was someone supposed to know that they were gay?? And if I liked Sora wouldn't I have known it by now? Namine giggled and I resisted the urge to punch her. She purposely confused me about my sexuality to get back at me for telling her off. Or did she honestly believe what she said?
"Get out Namine!" She broke down in a fit of complete hysterics and left my room. I decided to drop it and go to sleep.
That night, I dreamt about Sora. We were at the beach on one of the Destiny Islands. The sun's heat was mellow; warm and inviting. Sora was in the water only wearing his swim trunks. His tanned skin glistened from the moisture on it and his muscles were as well toned as his tan. He beckoned me over and, at first, I was hesitant, but I couldn't stop myself. I found myself within his arms. I couldn't stop myself from rubbing his smooth, muscular pecks and six pack abs. He in turn played in my hair lovingly with a smile on his face. Without warning he laid me down in the sand and proceeded to run his hands up my abdomen and kiss me gently on the lips.
"Sora…," I mumbled. He squeezed my breast and I moaned. His hand began to travel away and down my stomach to my… I gasped a little and he whispered in my ear, "Is this what you want?" I bit my lip to stop myself from saying something I'd regret but my mind wasn't working because my body had taken over with its explosion of emotion; desire.
"Yes… yes…" Sora grinned and then I woke up. My heart was beating fast and I felt a little wet… I decided to take a cool shower and then tried to go back to sleep. This time, I dreamt about Selphie. I woke-up before letting it get any further than that. I decided I wouldn't be getting any sleep.
The next morning I drank a ton of coffee and tried to ignore my sister's questioning look. I was so embarrassed for having a wet dream about her boyfriend and didn't feel like I had the courage to look her in the eye just yet.
"Hey! Kairi! Look! We dressed alike! Why'd you copy?"
"Huh? Oh. Ha! You copied offa me!"
"Neat! We're like twins! Read my thoughts!" Namine closed her eyes tightly and I rolled my own. When we were little, Namine and I would pretend to be twins especially when we unknowingly dressed alike. Namine thought that during such times we were cosmically aligned with one another and so we were given special powers, such as mind reading. It was strange but I always knew what my sister was thinking about because it always happened to be what I was thinking about as well. Like now for instance. We were wearing what happened to be one of Sora's favorite outfits. He gave us mad compliments the last time we wore it. So I knew what she was thinking about…
"You're thinking about Sora," I said easily. She opened her eyes and applauded happily.
"Right! Apparently so are you," she told. I sipped the last drip of one of my many cups of coffee and shrugged.
"So, are you guys getting back together?"
"We were never apart."
"Right… Right."
"I think you mean, am I breaking it off with Riku and the answer is yes. Are you trying to steal Sora, Kairi?"
"No. I just want his attention. He's all yours…if you can manage."
"Sis, you can't beat me for his affection. I've already won. We've slept together so we're tighter than you and he could ever be." I put my empty coffee cup down and glared at my sister angrily.
"I didn't sleep with his best friend." Before she could retort a car horn blasted three times outside. We looked at each other in confusion and the horn honked again. Namine's cheeks sorta puffed up out of habit when she tried to remember where she'd heard that particular horn before. When we both heard it again, we realized who it was.
"Sora," we exclaimed in unison. We grabbed our bags and books and rushed out the door. We raced down the driveway and luckily I didn't wear my tall, three inch high heel boots with the outfit like Namine had. I was in my sneakers and therefore had the advantage. Before I could stop, I nearly collided into Sora, but he caught me in time. I laughed idiotically and he looked at me questioningly.
"What's so funny?" He worriedly asked. My sister took her time getting there and I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself.
"I had about a thousand cups of coffee," I answered, casually. He nodded his head a little in understanding and I took this time to openly examine him. He was quite handsome and I never realized just how blue his eyes were or how one bang hung stubbornly out of place from the rest. I loved how, at the present moment, I was the only thing he saw and I blushed.
"Uh…," I gulped. He smiled and I felt my body heat up all over again like it did after the dream I had. I pulled away from him abruptly and looked away. I was so embarrassed.
"You look nice today by the way," he said. I blushed even more and turned away.
"Wow babe! Your car's all fixed up! Nice," Namine said as she expertly stalked up to us. She wasted no time in taking my place, not only by Sora's side, but also in his world.
I guess it was understandable. Namine was his girlfriend after all and I was just his friend if even that. When Namine was around, I just became his girlfriend's sister. Not that it ever bothered me before. On the contrary actually. I used to hate Sora because he took my sister's attention and much of her time. Of course, my hatred for him didn't last long. He wasn't the type that was easily hated. Apparently he wasn't the type that could easily hate either.
Namine was soon cuddled into his arms and whispering sweet nothings into his ear while he smiled happily. Just yesterday they weren't talking, but today they couldn't get enough of one another. As I stood there watching my sister basically celebrate her landslide victory in my face, I felt stupid for even imaging that I could be her. She was someone else and I was me. And I actually thought those days were over. Sure, once I had thought being Namine was the best thing in the world until I realized that I was great myself. Then I had that dream and I guess it made me want to be her again. Maybe I never fully got over it or maybe it wasn't that I wanted to be her. Maybe I really just wanted to be the one Sora looked at and actually saw. Or it was just the caffeine.
"Okay. You guys ready to ride?" Namine merrily giggled and had already assumed her seat in the front of the car. I looked at the car and at them. I felt so out of place.
"You coming Kairi?" Sora asked. He circled his way around to the driver's seat and looked at me from over the roof of his car. I knew he was just a few feet away, but just then he seemed more like a million meters away.
"Hm? No. I'll walk instead. Don't want to get in the way of you two lovebirds…" Sora gave me a look that I didn't understand nor cared to at that particular moment.
"But… are you sure? I mean… It's two blocks and-''
"Geez! Don't worry! I'm in my walking shoes! I'll be fine. Have fun. See ya at school!" Sora seemed reluctant to go at first, but he got in his car, started up the engine and left. I watched them go feeling a little sad, relieved, and lonely at the same time. I slowly made my way to school. The cool, brisk, fall breeze nipped at me while I walked.
When I finally made it to school, I was half frozen. I was shivering and my teeth chattered noisily. Damn them! Even though I wanted them back together…
"Hey Kairi!" I turned around slowly and saw that it was Olette and Fujin calling to me. Olette waved happily. I absentmindedly touched my face and remembered what happened the day before. Turning back around, I decided that I wanted to go inside rather than be left alone with the two. They wouldn't have any of it.
"Man Kairi! Don't be like that!" Olette was on the track team. She won medals and the word was that the girl was on her way to getting many a scholarship for her skills. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when she was right behind me when I turned around.
"Oh… Olette. Hi?" I commented with uncertainty. Fujin, who I didn't notice also sneak up on me, wrapped an arm around my shoulders and grinned.
"We saw what you did yesterday…"
"Along with more than a dozen others," Olette put in.
"And… it was really cool. Right Olette?"
"Of course!"
"So… we just wanted to thank-you," Fujin said merrily, but she added low enough for only me to hear, "If I had my way he'd be dead."
"Right… You're welcomed…," I said. Olette patted me on the back athletic style and she and Fujin walked on together into the building. I watched them unsure if I felt comfortable about the new bond I had created with them.
----
When I walked into the school, it was like a totally different place. Usually when I came in, I was ignored. I almost didn't exist to anyone except those who knew me personally. However… today…
"Hey Kairi! Are you alright? I heard about what happened to you yesterday! That loser got what he deserved!" Some girl, who I had no idea was, said to me. I nodded my head a little.
"Uh… thanks?" She went on her way, but at least twenty other strangers came to me saying the same thing. When I finally managed to get to my locker, the whole Blitzball Team was crowded around it. I saw Selphie flirting with Tidus, remembered the dream I had, and wanted to hurry up and get outta there. But of course those guys wouldn't allow it.
"Hey Kairi! We just wanted to make sure you were okay," Wakka said. He had a slight pink tinge on his cheeks and I silently wondered why he was blushing.
"Yea. And don't worry Kairi! Your sister asked the whole team to watch out for you today, so no one will lay a finger on you," Tidus said. I didn't know whether to be thankful or suspicious. Did she want me distracted so I wouldn't get to see Sora? OR was she seriously being the caring, big sister?
"Thanks I guess…"
"Hey! I'll walk you to first hour when you're ready." I looked behind Wakka and saw that Demyx, another member of the team, was the one who offered. Wakka seemed surprised and a little saddened by the info.
"Uh… okay. Thanks," I said "Excuse me." They moved out of the way and I got into my locker feeling a little confused but also… happy? Selphie whispered into my ear, "What do I have to do to get a whole sports team to be my body guards?"
"Get the shit beaten out of you," I replied. I looked at her with a smile and was surprised to see that she'd turned around to talk with Tidus. My eyes unconsciously trailed down to her butt and I blushed. I closed the locker and stalked away quickly.
"Hey! Wait up Kairi!" I almost forgot about Demyx and slowed down. I needn't have bothered though because he was already beside me.
"Wow! You sure got outta there a hella fast! What's the deal," he stated.
"Uh… umm… I don't like a lot of people around…" I lied, but he nodded as though he understood.
"I know whatcha mean. Here lemme carry those books." Without time to protest, Demyx took my books from me and was carrying them on top of his own. I felt a little guilty, but I had to admit that I liked watching those watermelon muscles on his arms flex.
"Uh… Thanks, but… you don't have to do that…"
"Don't worry. I've got it." I didn't try to protest anymore. He probably wouldn't listen anyway. We walked in silence all the way to my first hour, Intro to Public Speaking.
"Thanks Demyx," I told taking my books from him.
"Dang! I didn't know you knew my name!" He exclaimed. His eyes lit up and a big smile filled his face. I giggled a little at his reaction.
"Well, I know everyone on the team. I mean, my sister's boyfriend is the captain right?" I told, "But I'm surprised you all know me. I could've sworn I was invisible for a moment." Demyx laughed good-naturedly.
"Yea. Well of course we all know who you are Kairi. You just come off as a little unapproachable sometimes. It's unnerving…" My smile faded. Was I really "unapproachable"?
"That's why I can't believe that bastard did that to you! What an ass! I'll make sure to kick him the next time I see him. But listen, I'll meet you back here and walk you to second hour, or to your locker and then second hour. Which ever works out?" My smile was once again apparent on my face.
"Thank-you again Demyx." He blushed and nodded. With a wave of the hand he was gone and I got on with class.
I had first hour with a lot of Juniors. That meant Riku and Sora, most of their pals, and some chicks on the cheerleading squad. I took my seat by the window and waited for the teacher to get there and start class. Everyone else was crowded around Sora, talking about his fight yesterday. I blushed with embarrassment. He beat up his cousin's best friend on account of me. I wondered how that was working. Was Roxas angry at Sora? Was Hayner? Maybe I should have told Olette and Fujin to thank him instead of me and told Hayner and Roxas to be mad at me instead. I didn't want Sora involved… Why is it that people think about the consequences afterward? I looked at him from the corner of my eye. I had to back track for my own clarity.
Why didn't I want him involved? Because I didn't want him to get into trouble.
Why? Why didn't I want him to get into trouble? Because I'd feel guilty.
But why?
I thought about the dream and my conversation with Namine. Did I like Sora after all? I mean more so than I originally thought? My heart fluttered a little and I felt really anxious. During all my reflecting, I was watching Sora and just then he caught my gaze with his own. He smiled and waved. His gesture was simple, nice, caring, and was enough to create a roller coaster of emotion inside of me. I concluded that yes, I did like my sister's boyfriend…
The teacher walked in and I broke eye contact with Sora. It wouldn't do me any good to be distracted for this class. I was a few percentage points away from failing. I hated public speaking.
----
When class ended, I gathered my stuff and hurried to the exit but two cheerleaders stopped right in the middle of my path to freedom from Sora. I sighed heavily.
"Hey. It's Kairi right? Namine's little sister," the one known as Yuffie asked. I nodded "yes" slowly in answer to her question. Yuffie never talked to me, and never really paid any attention to me and likewise I didn't really care much for her either. She was a slut to say the least. She willingly pulled her pants down for any guy. Her friend, Aerith, was a different matter. I liked her. She was also okay friends with my sister and Larxene. She was smart, funny, and a little shy. I always had the hardest time figuring out why it was she hung out with Yuffie. Yuffie smiled a little.
"Awe… what a cute little girl! I hate it that Hayner beat you up like that. That face looks painful." I had the sneaky suspicion that her comment was meant to be taken as a double edged sword.
"Whatever."
"Hey! Hey! There's no need for the attitude Kairi! I was wondering… what brought on the attack anyway? Word has it that Hayner tried to sexually assault you. Is it true?" My cheeks heated up and I gulped nervously.
"Well… not really…"
"Oh. Okay. Just wondering. Who knew you weren't anything like your sister?"
"… What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Oh. Well. We all know Namine sleeps around. I was thinking you guys were a like. I mean, geez, how else had you managed to get the whole Blitzball Team to come under your command? And even had Demyx become quite the gentleman. I mean, walking you to class and everything… Very sweet. But then again it's really none of my business right?"
"Right," I snapped. She grinned a little and looked as though she was going to say something else but Sora and Riku came up beside me, getting her tongue tied.
"Hey Yuffie. Hey Aerith," Sora said plainly.
"H…hi Sora. How are you doing? Listen. I heard that you and Namine broke-up yesterday. Is it true?" Yuffie asked. She cocked her head to side like a dog does when it's curious and twisted a strand of hair around her finger in an attempt to appear cute.
"No. Sorry. We're still very much together." She pouted in her disappointment and touched the back of her hand to his cheek. All her petty skank moves were the perfect kindling to my steadily growing rage. Sora jerked his head away from her touch.
"That's too bad. I was hoping you'd finally get to know what being with a proper girl was like. After all, Namine's far from it."
"And with all the nuts you've sucked that makes you any better?" I spat. Sora's eyes widened with surprise and so did Riku's and Aerith's. Yuffie glared at me.
"At least I don't sleep around with my boyfriend's friends." To that I could no longer resist the irritating itch in my fist. I socked her in the eye. She stumbled while she held her face.
"That's because you're too busy sleeping around with everyone else to have a boyfriend. Bitch!" Yuffie looked as though she was going to do something crazy but Sora pulled me away from her reach. As we left I heard Riku say, "Take that." I wanted to punch him too. If he wasn't sleeping with Namine behind Sora's back then Yuffie wouldn't have any reason to say those things about my sister. My anger was so great that I felt my body shake.
"Kairi. Kairi calm down. It's okay. Yuffie's an ass and we all know it." Even Sora's comforting wasn't enough. I slammed my books down and stomped my foot angrily.
"No Sora! No it's not! She doesn't get to talk about my sister that way! And you… you need to pay more attention to your friends!"
"Geez! Don't PMS on me Kairi! What'd I do?"
"If you'd watch your friends then maybe she wouldn't have said what she had!"
"What? Are you saying that Namine's sleeping around behind my back? Is that what you're telling me?" I didn't respond. I saw Riku behind Sora. His face was pale and he looked at me as though he couldn't believe what I was saying. Sora's eyes were ablaze with questioning and anger. I looked away from him.
"No… no. I just… Why would she say something like that about Namine?" Sora seemed to have calmed down a considerable amount and he sighed as he rubbed his temples.
"I told you. Yuffie's an ass and we both know not to take what she says seriously. Now are you cooled off yet?" I nodded and cast my eyes downward. I couldn't stand it. I really couldn't. Why? Why had I lied? Why had I protected Riku? He hasn't done anything but wrong. So why did I feel guilty? I glared at Riku from the corner of my eye. He was just as dirty as Yuffie if not more. Sora picked up my books and handed them to me.
"Thanks…," I managed to say. Sora smiled softly.
"You're welcome. And try not to get into anymore trouble. I can't be with you all the time…"
"Sora… sorry…," I choked out. Tears fell from my eyes and I quickly tried to wipe them away before he saw.
"Kairi?" I didn't wait for him to say anything more. I just hurried and walked away. Was that all I was good for? Turning my back on the truth? When I thought about it, I was just as bad as Riku, Namine, and Yuffie because I let the truth drown in a sea of deception in order to protect myself. What had I to protect myself from? If Sora ever found out it wouldn't be me he hated. It'd be them. But I didn't want Namine hurt. I didn't him to lose his best friend…
My hurting Sora by not telling him was driving me crazy! I wouldn't stand for it anymore! I marched to my sister's locker and pounded on it angrily. She was startled and so were her friends, Larxene and Tifa.
"Geez Kairi! What in the world…?"
"Tell him Namine! Tell him or I will!"