"Mardi Gras Misunderstanding"
Chapter Seven
"More than anything else I want you to be safe and happy, Matt."
In spite of his best efforts, the big man chuckled deep in his chest. "Stop, Kitty. Listen to yourself. I ask you what you want and the first words out of your mouth are what you want for me, not what you want for yourself."
She ducked her head in an attempt to hide her embarrassment. "Old habits, ya know." She looked up at him and smiled sadly. "Is that what we've become, Cowboy, an old habit to each other?"
"You know better, Kit. We're more than that, a whole lot more. We have way too much going for us to toss it all aside now. Climb up here and let me tell you a few things." He patted the space beside him on the bed.
She hesitated, knowing full well that if he touched her now she would never be free of him. But did she really want to be?
"I...I'm not sure I can do that."
" 'Course you can, honey. Just bend your knees and push yourself up. Then take, uh, three, four steps around the bed, bend your knees again, and sit down over here."
For another fraction of a second she resisted. Then she moved slowly and deliberately around the foot of the bed, gathered her full skirts under her and sat down in a spot she judged to be just beyond the reach of his long arms.
Matt rolled his eyes toward the heavens and silently asked why it had been his fate to fall in love with the most fascinating, frustrating and stubborn woman west...he remembered where they were...or east of the Mississippi.
"I'm sorry I teased you, Kitty. But I have some things I need to say to you, and I need you to be close to me when I say them. I've had a lot of months to do some thinking, and a lot of those thoughts...all right, all of those thoughts...were about you. This might surprise you, but I understand what you're saying. My answer to that question would be the same. More than anything, I want you to be safe and happy. That's what people in love do. They want the best for each other and each one places the other person first."
"That's pretty impressive, Cowboy. How'd you get so wise?"
He squeezed his eyes tight as if remembering was painful. "Will Ronniger gave me that wisdom one night, along with one hell of a hangover."
"You and Will got drunk? I'd have paid to see that. What did Bess say?"
"Uh, actually, she's the one who set us up. She got worried about me...and you, of course...and decided I needed someone to set me straight about...well, about love...and, uh, men and women. So she invited me out to the farm for supper and then sent Will and me and a couple of bottles out to the barn for the night. I came to my senses that night, Kit, and then I came here just as fast as I could."
Wishing for about the millionth time in their relationship that he were more articulate, Matt swallowed hard and continued. "You know I'm not very good at expressing my feelings, but I'm gonna try, so please just bear with me. Okay?"
She nodded. "Go on, Matt." As she spoke, she edged slightly closer to the big man on the opposite side of the bed.
"I love you so much, Kitty, so very, very much. And you are so much a part of me that sometimes I...I guess I forget that you're not me, that you're a beautiful, intelligent, fascinating and desirable woman, and that you have...needs and wants that are different from mine. But I never take you for granted. I guess it might seem that way to you, but I swear, I don't. I know I don't say it as often as I should, but never doubt my love for you, Kitty. I love and respect you with all my heart. I...I know other men could make a...a prettier speech and talk poetry to you, but they couldn't be any more sincere."
She scooted closer, her sapphire eyes sparkling with unshed tears.
"That was beautiful, Matt. Maybe it wasn't all flowery and poetic, but I know it came straight from your heart. I know you love me and I know you respect me, too. You tell me every day in so many little ways...the way your eyes smolder and smile when you pause outside those batwing doors, the brush of your arm against mine when we lean against the bar, the gentle warmth of your hand on the small of my back, the way you touch the brim of your hat every time you see me. Matt, you show me more love and respect every day than half the married women in Dodge get in a lifetime."
The crushing weight was slowly lifting from his broad chest, but the hardest part was yet to come.
"Kitty, I'm not sure where we went wrong this time...I just want to...to make it right. You know I've always hesitated to talk about the future. And I've always steered away from making promises to you. I've never been sure I had a future, so there wasn't any point in thinkin' or talkin' about it. And I've never wanted to promise you anything 'cause I didn't want to have to break that promise."
"Oh, Matt, you..." One final scoot and she was next to him, facing him, her slender fingers lacing themselves through his.
"Shhh, let me finish, please." He lifted their clasped hands and brushed his lips lightly across the back of hers.
"I think maybe the time has come to talk about that future. I'm not kidding myself...I know I won't be wearin' this badge much longer. Those hills are gettin' steeper; the trail's gettin' longer. I like to think I have a few good years left, but maybe this time the knee, well, maybe it won't come back. If that's the case, I can take off this badge with no regrets. But my future's not worth a tinker's dam if you're not in it, Kitty. What do I need to do to get you to come back to Dodge with me?"
She sighed and dropped her eyes from his face. "I'm not sure I want to go back," she whispered. "I, I want to be with you more than anything, but...but I don't want to lose myself again. And you, you always said when you took off the badge you were going into the high country, back to the 'big lonely' you said."
"I'm not sure I even belong out there any more...been civilized too long. "Kitty, I watched Adam Kimbro meet his maker out there. Saw a lot of others, too, good men and bad men alike." He clenched his jaw tight. "It's a cold, lonely death."
He paused, then shook his head and blew out a deep breath. "Nah, when my time comes, I want to be in a soft bed with your arms around me."
"Matt, don't talk like that, please." Her tears threatened to spill over. "I, I guess I could go back to Dodge, but I can't go back to those awful rooms again. Maybe I could buy or build a little house just on the edge of town. I could even have my garden." She gave him a trembling smile. "And who knows, maybe Delmonico's will get a new cook and the buffalo hunters will learn about personal hygiene."
"I'll try to change, honey. I can't promise you the grand palaces of Europe, but if you still want, I'll go on that riverboat trip to Memphis and maybe I could see the streets of New York with you. And we could come back here to visit. After all, little Arianna Kathleen's going to need her Aunt Kitty to teach her about life and..."
"...to warn her about falling in love with incredibly handsome, but unbelievably stubborn, frustrating lawmen."
"If she ever has a little brother, I'll warn him to beware of beautiful redheaded women who work their way into a man's heart and stay there forever."
They looked at each other and laughed, nine months of hurt and anguish and longing melting away in the warmth of their smiles. It felt so good to laugh together again. This is what I've been missing, Kitty thought as she leaned toward him, her hand sliding over his bare chest, carefully avoiding the bandaged area.
Matt's arm slipped around her back, pulling her against his uninjured side. "Tell me something, Kit. You said I was in the hospital for a week and I've been here for eight days. I must have been in pretty bad shape if I was unconscious for that long. How come they let you bring me here? What'd you tell them?"
"I told them," her face flushed, "well, let's just say we aren't exactly a secret any more."
"You told three strangers all about us?"
"Not exactly...only two of them were strangers. Matt, I'd have told the devil himself anything he wanted to know if it would have helped you to get better. I told them all about us...all nineteen years of our love, our arguments, your fears for me, my fears for you. My disappointments over the years. Your close calls over the years. I told them I left on this visit while you were out of town and we didn't have a chance to talk, or say good-bye. I told them about the letter I wrote saying maybe you didn't want me in your life anymore. 'Course I thought you had read it and that's what was wrong...what your mind was trying to escape from. I had no idea you had seen me with John."
"Anyway, the doctors, especially Dr. Picard, the psychiatrist, thought you'd be a lot better off here. "In fact," she blushed, "his exact words to the others were 'he needs to be with that woman more than he needs all our medicine.' "
For an eternity they stared into each other's eyes, each seeking comfort and reassurance in those blue depths, reveling in the sheer joy of being together again.
Finally, Kitty spoke. "You've had a busy day, Cowboy. I think you need to get some sleep."
"Will you...will you stay with me, Kit...tonight I mean?"
"Matt, you really need to rest, and I'm tired, too. I'll be right through that next room. I'll hear you if you call."
"Please?"
She looked at him for a moment, her heart in her eyes, then turned away.
Fifteen minutes later, clad in a simple white cotton nightgown, auburn curls tumbling across her shoulders, she climbed tentatively into the bed beside the man she loved with all her heart and had missed with all her being.
"I'll stay with you for tonight, but remember you're still a sick man. Promise me that you're going to sleep...no funny business."
"I promise. I won't wiggle so much as my...little finger...without your permission."
She settled in beside him, pressing a gentle kiss on his lips. She was nearly asleep when she felt a very large, warm palm cupping her breast through the thin fabric of her gown.
Her breath hitched. This was heaven; this was the reason she would consider foresaking all logic, all reason and going back to Dodge. She had proved to herself that she could live...exist, might be a better word...without him. But why would she want to? Somehow, her reasons didn't seem important any more. Nothing was important except the man beside her, that stubborn irresistible man who was so much a part of her, just as she was a part of him. Two parts of a whole, joined at the heart.
She felt his fingernails scrape gently across her nipple.
Softly she murmured, "Matt, you promised."
His voice, husky and deep replied, "I lied."
Epilogue
In the early morning light, Kitty awoke to find herself still held tight in the circle of Matt's left arm, her face pressed into his warm shoulder. As she lifted her head to look into his handsome face, relaxed and boyish in sleep, her gaze fell on an ugly, puckered scar under the spot where her head had lain...the result of some long ago encounter with Indians.
In the dim light, her eyes lovingly scanned his still muscular chest, re-acquainting herself with the myriad scars marring his beloved body. She smiled as she remembered the stories of some, recoiled as the agony of others came to mind...the one so near his heart that had terrified her and sent her running once before. And there was the oldest one, just below his waist, faded and smooth now, the souvenir of a knife fight down along the Chisholm years ago. He had told her the story of that fight and that scar their first night together, back when it had been the only blemish on his magnificent body.
There were other flaws, under the bandages and across nearly every inch of his long, hard frame. She knew them all and loved him in spite of these seeming imperfections. In fact, they made him even more attractive in her eyes because they were testament to this strong, tender, simple yet complex, good and amazing man who stood for law and justice, no matter what the cost to his own life or safety.
And then she knew. In that moment, any lingering doubts she may have had about going back to Dodge faded into oblivion. He wasn't perfect. Neither was she. They would continue to make mistakes with each other, but they would never, could never, stop loving each other. And the scars of this misunderstanding would be forever etched across their hearts, painful and raw just now, but with time and love, these scars, like all the others, would become faded and smooth.