I
lay down on my bed staring at the ceiling. Cutting me was never
something I ever thought I'd do. But that sad part was, I enjoyed
it. It made me feel better. My pain just went away. All my pain for
Kevin, seeing my mother cry like that, it was all just... GONE.
I
awoke the next morning to hear absolute silence. Before now, whenever
you woke up, you heard Kevin laughing at himself and making breakfast
for everyone. He loved to do that. Now it was silent... dead silent.
I walked downstairs and noticed everyone was already awake. But
still, no sound. Joe looked at me as I walked down the stairs. A
single tear running down his face told me he felt the same as I did.
My mother was crying softly trying not to hide it. Frank wasn't even
here. I still couldn't help but think this was my fault.
"I'm
so sorry you guys..." I whispered.
"What? What are you
talking about Nicholas?" my mother asked.
"It's my
fault. my fault he's gone, if only I would have just stayed home like
he said, maybe he would still be-" I started but was soon cut
off.
"It's no one's fault Nick. Things like this happen. We
just have to move on in life" my father was now hugging me.
"You
don't understand!" I said while starting to cry," it is my
fault! He came after me because I wanted to go away! If I just would
have stayed, this wouldn't be happening!!" I said as the pain
began to come back.
"For the last time Nick, it's not your
fault!" Joe yelled.
"That's what you don't
understand Joe, it is my fault!" I practically
screamed.
"Please, Nicholas go to your room. Settle down."
my mother said quietly.
"No!! I will not settle down until I
pay for what I have done!" I yelled and stormed out the door.
I
began running. I still didn't know to where. I just ran. I ran for 15
minutes before I was sure far enough away. I sat down on the
sidewalk, it was getting dark. My mother would be worried. I
shouldn't have to put her through so much pain. When didn't deserve
this. I quickly deleted this thought from my head. Soon after, I
noticed train tracks behind me, just below the hill. I heard it. It
was coming. Maybe I would just end it now. My sorry life could be
over in an instant. But what would my brother think? Or my mother?
Father? I would be out of misery, but they would be in more. Who was
I kidding? I needed to do this. The train was quickly approaching my
destination. The train was now 15 ft in front of me.
I jumped into
the tracks, and closed my eyes shut tightly, hoping there would be no
more pain
Heard
my name being called from behind me.
"Nick!! Don't do this!"
she yelled.
It was Miley. My girlfriend. The love of my life, I was leaving her behind. Quickly I jumped off the tracks and raced up the hill until I stood in front of her. I grabbed her and pulled her into a tight hug.
"Nick what were you doing?!" She yelled there were tears in her eyes.
"I don't know. I was just mad and didn't want to feel pain anymore." I sighed.
"So you wanted to kill yourself!? For something you didn't do? Nick you know Kevin's death wasn't your fault..." she said.
I looked at her wet eyes and couldn't help but cry a little my self. Tears fell so quickly she didn't know what to do. So I just sat on the ground and hugged myself tightly.
"That's the problem, Miley. I think it was my fault. I don't think I can live with myself anymore." I said calmly.
"Ok Nick, I know you're mad and all. But seriously, get over it you know?! It's not your fault!" she raised her voice at me.
"It is though!!!" I yelled back.
"I know losing a brother is hard, but get a hold of yourself and give up! Kevin is not coming back, never will come back! So you might as well get over it now, you have better things Nick, like me!" she took pride in her voice.
I couldn't control myself. She was making me lose my temper way too fast. I was going over the edge.
"Nick seriously! I'm probably better than Kevin anyw-" she started, but I lost control and slapped her hard across the face.
"Don't you EVER speak about my brother like that again" I said walking away from her. I was ten feet away when I turned again and saw her face looking worried, "Yes, we're OVER Miley." I said calmly and kept on walking. I went home and sat on my bed. Joe knocked and told me it was time for dinner, but I couldn't eat. I picked up my guitar and started strumming a tune. Before I knew it, I had part of a song written down. It said what I was feeling, what I wanted. Everything I was thinking. I folded the paper up and lay down on my bed. I stared at the ceiling for over 2 hours. My family went to bed early, and I was sitting alone. I thought to myself, maybe I should just leave. Leave everything behind me. That was it. I needed to leave.
I packed my necessities in one backpack. Couple shirts, pants, and some food. I put the folded song on my bed, hoping someone would find it by tomorrow. I tip-toed downstairs and said goodbye one last time. I walked out the door and hopefully...
for the last time.