And The Winner Is...
by TheBucketWoman
Disclaimer: On how many shows of this sort do ya really hear mention of condoms and such? Nuff said. Me gots no claim on any of it.
Chapter Twenty.
Part One: Edwin
"Why?" Edwin said.
"Why?" Derek said. "Why? What do you mean 'why'?"
"Porque?" Edwin said, stalling. Usually Derek was clear about what it was he wanted. He'd say "Ed! Cereal! Or Ed! Gimme a twenty!" Now he was being vague. Not a good sign.
"Huh?" Derek said. "Just come upstairs. I need to talk to you. Jeez!"
"About what?"
"The mysteries of the universe, Edwin," Derek said. "And your continued place in it; now let's go upstairs." He put one hand on Edwin's shoulder and led him toward the stairs and up to the attic.
Edwin prayed to anyone he thought would listen that Derek hadn't gotten into Edwin's computer and seen any of his footage. He made a mental note to change his password just in case.
Derek pointed to Edwin's bed. "Sit," he said. Edwin, thinking Good Boy, sat down and waited to be patted on the head or given a treat or something.
Derek grabbed the squeaky folding chair, turned it around and straddled it, folding his arms on the back and leaning his chin on them.
"So, Derek," Edwin said. "What brings you up here this fine day?" Edwin began to regret that second bowl of cereal he'd had for breakfast.
"Thought it was time to have a talk," Derek said. For once there was none of his usual overgesticulation and no wiseass tone. He seemed to actually be gripping the chair.
"About the mysteries of the universe?" Edwin said. "Or do you subscribe to the theory of the multi-verse, because I was reading..."
"Ed," Derek said.
"Do I wanna know what this is about?" Edwin said. "'Cause I don't think I do."
Derek kept eye contact, but swallowed a couple of times before he continued.
"You and Lizzie," he began.
"Yeah," Edwin said.
"You're sorta close," Derek said.
Ya think? Edwin thought. "Mhmm," he said.
"And...I...um...we...," Derek stammered. Edwin thought that he could count on his fingers the number of times he'd seen his brother this tongue tied, and that in and of itself confused and worried him. At first he couldn't begin to imagine what the hell was on Derek's mind.
Then it hit him. And he wanted to laugh, but thought it best to play dumb. He said nothing.
"Okay," Derek said, taking a breath. "We wanted to make sure that you guys knew what you were doing..."
What, does he have an instructional booklet or something...I really don't want to receive the Kama Sutra from my brother, Edwin thought. Wait a minute...is that really what he thinks we're doing?
"Derek," Edwin said.
"And if you want to talk about...things, then you know where to go...if you don't wanna talk to Dad or anything..." Derek babbled.
"Derek," Edwin said. Derek got up from the chair and began to pace.
"And you guys really need to take things slow because you guys are fourteen and, you know, you're my family and I'm...worried...and..."
"De-rek!" Edwin said, throwing a pillow at him. Derek looked up.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Edwin yelled. "What do you think this is? A Very Special Degrassi? Are you trying to give me the talk? Are you serious?"
"Ed," Derek said.
"No," Edwin said. "Uh-uh. This? Is not happening. Do you really think that we're...I'm fourteen for Chrissake!"
"What's your point?" Derek said.
"And this would be your business...how?!"
"Wait...what?" Derek said. "Not my business? You better freakin believe that it's my business. It is so my business. I'm trying to talk to you like an adult here—"
"Yeah, that's rich," Edwin said. "'Ed! Upstairs!'" he quoted, slipping into his Derek impression. "You're like three steps from smacking me with a rolled up newspaper. Or maybe you want to suggest I get fixed?"
Edwin could see his heartbeat through his t-shirt. He half-wanted to run, but he was stuck now, and if he backed down, he was dead. Derek's face was beginning to turn red.
"Edwin," Derek said. He took a deep breath before continuing. "We need to talk about this."
"No," Edwin said. "We don't."
"You don't know what you're doing," Derek said. "I've been there."
"We're not doing anything," Edwin said.
"How long do you really expect that to last?" Derek said.
"I don't know," Edwin said. "As long as it needs to."
"As long as it needs to?" Derek said. "Have you thought about this at all? I'm seventeen...fourteen was not that long ago. I remember it well, you might say. And if I had even the slightest opportunity..."
"Yeah, you would've banged anything that moved," Edwin said. "I'm not you."
"You're breathing," Derek said. "You are breathing aren't you? You have a pulse."
"So that makes me a gorilla?" Edwin said.
"You calling me a gorilla?" Derek said.
"If it looks like a gorilla and it drags its knuckles like a gorilla..." Edwin said.
"Jeez, bro, how do you really feel?" Derek said. "I mean it. Do you really think I'd 'bang anything that moved'?" He was officially back to the air quotes. Counting on his fingers was next. Then there would be poking.
"Was I supposed to think something different?" Edwin said. "Is this gonna be another talk about how you didn't kiss anyone till you were fifteen and how you're currently a virgin, that you and Casey were playing Twister when you fell out of bed?"
Derek covered his face. "Twister?" he said. "Okay...Ed...let's stop for a second. We should try this another way, cause you calling me a—"
"Boy slut?"
"Boy slut," Derek said. "Will not get us anywhere. You're my brother, and I'm not up here talking about any of this because I want to. This? Not fun for me."
"Really? Cause it's a total picnic for me," Edwin said.
"I don't get it," Derek said. "Why are you talking to me like this? What did I do this time?"
"What are you doing right now?" Edwin said.
"Um...gee I don't know," Derek said. "Showing concern for my brother, not to mention my step-sister, why would I do something like that?"
"Trying to control your brother and stepsister is more like it," Edwin said. "You can't deal with anything going on that you didn't give the stamp of approval to."
"Who the hell says I don't approve of you two?" Derek asked. "You're perfect. I just don't want to see it go to Hell."
"She kissed me yesterday," Edwin said. "Yesterday. Twenty four hours. How much do you really think we could have done in that time? We've barely figured out the nose-bumping thing. We will not be having any sex any time soon. She would never, and I would never."
"You would and you know it," Derek said. "If anyone said yes to me when I was fourteen, believe me..."
"I repeat...'I. Am. Not. You.' Do I need to say that a little slower?" Edwin said.
"You're human," Derek said. "Now I know that you were listening when Dad had this talk with me. He didn't do it because he thought that I was an idiot, even though he's probably the only one, mind you. He did it because he cared. I don't know how much he's noticed about the two of you, yet, because he'd be having this talk with you instead of me. You say you're not doing anything and I believe you, but that doesn't mean that you won't."
"And when I, or we, do," Edwin said. "It will be our decision."
"I know that," Derek said. "That's the point! What, did you think it was my decision or something?"
"This whole talk sounds like you're the king and one day you'll tap me on both shoulders and declare me ready," Edwin said.
"Where do you come up with this stuff?" Derek said.
"I'm gifted," Edwin said.
Part Two: Lizzie
Casey sat down next to Lizzie on the couch. And stared at her. Lizzie could feel her sister's eyes on her, and no matter how much she tried to focus on MuchMusic, all she could think was What do you want, Casey?
"Something you wanted to talk about, Casey?" She said
"Now that you mention it," Casey said. "Yes!" Resistance was futile.
"So," Casey began. "I've noticed that you and Edwin are getting pretty close, huh?"
"You could say that," Lizzie said.
"You're cute together," Casey said.
"Thanks?"
"The two of you always did get along really well," Casey said. "When you weren't beating him up. Or, I take it back, even when you were beating him up."
"Is this going anywhere?" Lizzie said.
"Well," Casey began. "When you get together with someone you like, you get to have certain feelings—"
Lizzie groaned. This was worse than Mom's talk.
It was at this time that they heard muffled yelling from upstairs. You just couldn't keep anything secret in this house.
"That wasn't Derek, was it?" Casey said, looking up at the ceiling.
"Nope, sounded like Edwin," Lizzie said.
"Hope Derek doesn't get sucked into yelling back at him,"Casey said.
"Maybe we should go up and put a stop to it," Lizzie said.
"Mayb—are you trying to distract me?" Casey said.
"No," Lizzie said. Yes, she thought. "Are they having the same conversation we are?"
"Uh-huh," Casey said. "Doesn't sound like it's going well, does it?"
"The two of them..."Lizzie began, smacking the knuckles of both fists together to mimic heads butting.
"How bout we move upstairs to my room so it will be easier to get in between them if we need to," Casey said.
"Fair enough," Lizzie said, shrugging. She wondered if she could get to her bedroom fast enough to lock Casey out.
Casey was too quick for her. She had Lizzie by the hand the whole way upstairs and, while Casey looked pretty delicate, she had an iron grip.
"Liz," Casey said. "This is really important, okay?"
Lizzie felt her resolve weakening. Casey was giving her the big eyes. This was a trick Lizzie often used against Casey herself, but she had no immunity to it.
"Get it over with," Lizzie said.
"Well," Casey said. "Um...the two of you, you and Edwin."
"Kissed," Lizzie said. "Repeatedly. That's it. That answer your question?"
"So far," Casey said. She leaned over, conspiratorially. "Is he a good kisser?"she whispered.
"Is Derek?" Lizzie retorted.
"Uh-huh," Casey said.
"I didn't really wanna know that," Lizzie said, holding up a hand to ward Casey off.
"You asked," Casey said.
"Rhetorical question," Lizzie said. "Meant to show the inappropriateness of your question."
"Where do you come up with this stuff?" Casey said. "Okay, so listen. We—Derek and I—got a little paranoid. We might have jumped the gun. Derek saw you come down from Edwin's room, late at night and—"
"Did he think—"Lizzie said. "I will kick his ass!" She got up and headed toward the attic.
Casey blocked her door. "Calm down," she said. "He did not think that. He just got a little overprotective. Me too."
"Okay," Lizzie said. "Maybe you're—" She slipped by Casey and out the door.
"Lizzie!" Casey said.
"De-rek!" Lizzie said, stomping her way up the stairs.
Part Three: Derek
Edwin's door flew open.
"Ooooh," Edwin said.
"I can't believe you!" Lizzie yelled as she stomped her way in, Casey on her heels. "Just because you're sex-crazed doesn't mean the rest of us are!"
"That's what I said," Edwin told her.
"I wasn't trying to say that anyone was—"
"And we're not little kids, either," she said "Neither one of us needs protecting!"
"You're just gonna have to put up with that," Derek said. "Like it or not."
"Oh whatever, Derek!" Lizzie said. "Having a little respect for us wouldn't kill you, you know."
"Respect, huh?" Derek said. He wanted to give up so badly. This was just getting worse by the second.
"Lizzie," Casey broke in. "That's so not fair."
"This whole talk is unfair," Lizzie said. "I'll be the first to admit, that Edwin and I watched the two of you fight and tried to predict when you'd get together, but we never got that far into your business. We knew where the line was. You don't."
Do not yell at her. Do not yell at her. Do not yell at her, Derek thought. God how I wish I could yell.
"Lizzie," he said. "You're stuck. There is no stopping me. There is no getting rid of me. I am your big brother, and I am the big brother from Hell. I don't know how that happened, but I guess it's my job, now."
Her eyes got big and started to water. Bullseye, he thought. Thank God. He thought that he should be going in for a hug right now, but he was afraid she'd still hit him.
"And you can't pin all of this on him," Casey said. "I'm in here, too, happy to be an equally big pain in the ass, and I just wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff when I was your age. I think that we just wanted to talk to you two in an open way, so that you could trust us if you needed to talk."
"What she said," Derek said.
"Look how well that's going," Edwin said.
"We're clumsy" Casey said. "But we're trying, okay?" Derek had the familiar feeling of wanting to worship at her altar. He saw the light at the end of the tunnel and heard the strains of the Hallelujah Chorus get stronger as he went.
Then...
"So you wanna be open, huh?" Edwin said. "Exactly how many women have you slept with, Derek?"
He imagined that he heard the screeching of brakes.
Well, I asked for it, Derek thought.
"One," he said.