Disclaimer: Blah blah don't own blah blah
Author's note: So yeah I randomly decided to add song lyrics to the beginnings of chapters now, you're welcome to ignore them completely if you want. Anyway, so yeah here's the first chapter I punched out while on break. It's really long, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one, you'll have to let me know. Reviews are always appreciated. Enjoy!...
Things are changing
It seems strange and
I need to figure this out
You've got your life
I got mine
But you're all I cared about
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left here asking
Where has all the time gone now
I'm left alone somehow
Growing up and getting older
I don't want to believe it's over
Don't say goodbye
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye
Do you remember
In December
How we swore we'd never change
Even though you're leaving
That our feelings
Would always stay the same
I wish we could be laughing
Instead I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now
Can we make it last somehow
We both know what we've gotta say, not today
Cause I don't wanna leave this way
And if it's over
It hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always
Happy like we were
Happy like we were…
From: Say Goodbye - Skillet
Cal was almost glad that her classes were starting to get more intense. It helped the two weeks to go by without her notice. Or at least she wouldn't have noticed if Alex hadn't come in for one last Friday night.
She knew she should try to fight him off, make him leave. But he was civil enough for most of the night. It wasn't until he was the last person around that he suddenly became himself. He tried to reel her in like he used to. When he reached for her she pulled away, a reflex and a mistake she knew better than to make. He was drunk and now pissed off.
She could feel every old bruise as he slammed her against the wall. She tried to apologize, explain that she didn't mean to. He wasn't listening. He gripped the top of her throat hard to hold her in place. He was cursing her out… it was like a flashback. But it wasn't, it was happening again. She'd thought maybe it was over. If he was leaving she could have been free of him for good.
Her instincts made her fight, grab at his hand around her throat, try to get away. She knew better deep down, but it never seemed to help stop her from fighting. In the end it gained her some more bruises and split lip.
As soon as he let go she felt herself sliding to the floor. He'd let her go a lot easier than she expected. Maybe he figured he should leave something for if he ever came back. She would have prayed that he didn't, but if he stayed away chances were the rest of the band stayed with him…. Not that it mattered now.
She licked her bleeding lip and leaned her head back against the wall. Her life sucked. It had sucked since she was seven years old. She should be used to it by now.
The rest of the night would be quiet though, she figured. She had nothing to do. And Alex wouldn't be back the next night. He never showed up after he'd done something to her. Not for a few days or so and in a few days he would be gone. Gone for months. Finally.
Ugh, she needed something else to think about. Stumbling her way upstairs she barely remembered changing into her pjs. She needed to shoot something. She'd played Duck Hunt last, it was still hooked up, it would definitely solve the problem. She went three rounds without missing a shot, and the first shot she missed was purposefully aimed at the damned annoying dog.
It was near 4 am when she finally fell back on the couch in her apartment style room, the remote for her stereo in hand. There was no way she could fall asleep without a little coaxing. Tomorrow was Saturday. She could sleep on and off until around noon. Not that she ever slept for more than a few hours a night. She was always paranoid about upsetting someone, especially after she'd gotten it.
She realized her tongue had been playing with her sore lip and immediately stopped. Her lips pressed together in embarrassment. Why was this happening now, and all at once? She couldn't take it. While the music played trying to lull her to sleep all she could think about was how everything was going wrong again.
Before she realized what she was doing she was standing over the bathroom sink…bleeding. Looking at the razorblade in her other hand she dropped it, panicked. She hadn't done that in years, or at least one year… maybe it had only been one… but still.
She flopped down on the toilet, eyes wide, completely and totally horrified. She grabbed the oozing cut with the other hand now, but pulled back after a minute. That wrist still hurt from the sprain two weeks before. She'd probably taken the brace off too soon, but she didn't care at the time. She was sick of not having her full range of motion. Desperate now she sucked the worst of the dripping off her other wrist before grabbing a washcloth to drape over it. She was so stupid! How could she have fallen into this again. She was almost 18 years old, there was no excuse for this behavior. She knew better.
She felt tears start to roll down her cheeks and that just made it worse. She didn't cry… she refused to cry. Crying was for kids and pussies. She was neither. Not anymore. But everything hurt. Her head from the being slapped around, her body from the bruises, her arms for their respective injuries, and her chest now from the trying not to sob. She failed miserably. She had to stay quiet or her father would hear her, but she was all but wailing. In her frustration she vaguely remembered punching the door as she left the room. It killed. She knew she was going to need the brace again in the morning, but now she needed to collapse onto her bed and wallow in self pity. Sometimes it just needed to be done and she hadn't done it in ages. Not since, well, since she'd had Jack to take her away. But now he was leaving her too…
No, she scolded herself. He was not leaving her. He was pursuing his dream. And besides, he was taking Alex with him. But still… after graduation she'd have so much free time and no one to spend it with.
Ah!... She already missed him. He wasn't even gone yet! They weren't dating, they were just friends, she had no hold on him. For Christ's sake, he hadn't even spoken to her in two weeks.
She'd fucked it up with him bad. She should have never given in to playing that damn game. But she'd had him around her even if only for those few short minutes. How had she allowed herself to fall so hard for him? She'd just wanted someone to hang with, someone to talk to. But then he went and protected her. He made her go soft around Alex and her father because he was there to make it better. She was such a fool. And now that he was gone she'd suddenly gone back to cutting? What the fuck was that shit all about?
The tears were stopping, but she was beating on her pillows. This in turn caused more pain and more crying. This is how she fell asleep. Her pillow covered in blood and tears, pain coursing up both arms until she couldn't move them any more. But she slept, and she slept better than she had the previous two weeks.
………………………………………………………………………………………
Jack peeled his rollerblades off as he sat on the front steps. Angel had been playing a game of street hockey with him, but of course Sofie took priority, so now Jack was out of luck. It sucked. He was already packed to leave in the morning. For some reason Alex and the others decided that Monday would be the best day to leave… fuckin' crack heads. So now he had the rest of Sunday to kill. He finished tying on his shoes and stood to take his blades to the garage before he noticed her walking up the street. He chose to ignore her and continued what he'd been trying to do. Maybe she wasn't really there. Maybe she had really listened to him at the bar. It had been more than two weeks now, why would she come here?
But she had come. She leaned on the back corner of the house when he came back out of the garage. She had a half assed attempt at a smile on her face. Something was wrong… But he wasn't going to get involved now. He was leaving in the morning. He didn't need to know what was happening to her.
The problem was he already knew. He knew by the look on her face that she'd gotten the shit kicked out of her. She was here because he'd been there for the last one. As he slowly trudged across the driveway he shoved his hands in his pockets and could look at her. But he couldn't make himself leave either. He felt guilty enough not saying anything.
"Are we not speaking now?"
Those were her first words to him in two weeks. Not 'you left me you fucking bastard', not even 'hi Jack…' She was talking like nothing had happened.
"I meant what I said the other night Cal."
Her smile grew in strength a little. "I know you did Jack, because you expected that I was a typical girl. Unfortunately for you I was expecting that long before it happened. That's why I wasn't afraid to press my luck."
Jack could feel himself getting more upset with each thing she said. He tried to walk past her into the house. If he could just get the door closed between them she'd probably go away.
"Alex showed up for one last hurrah Friday."
He stopped dead in his tracks. The offhanded way in which she mentioned the occurrence was most definitely an attempt to mask her true feelings about it. He'd been assuming her depression had been because of her father… he'd been wrong, and now her being here made all the more sense. "What did he do?" He'd turned around, faced her like she'd probably wanted. But now she was avoiding looking at him.
"Nothing he hasn't done before."
"Cal, what did he do?"
"He just smacked me up a little. I think I did more damage to myself afterwards."
Ok, now he was confused. "What?"
She shrugged, having lost all her nerve. "I don't want to talk about it Jack."
"Then why are you here?"
"Because I needed a distraction," she'd raised her voice a little, and regretted it immediately.
She tried to go around the corner and leave, but he grabbed her wrist. That stopped her alright… and sent her to her knee hissing in pain! Stunned, Jack turned over her wrist and opened his fingers, now covered in blood. "Fuck, Chick!"
"I told you I did more damage than he did. I ended up putting myself back in the brace too." She lifted the other wrist to show him.
"Doing what?"
"Wa… I got pissed off at myself for the cutting so.. I guess I kinda punched the wall."
She was a fucking mess! He couldn't let her leave like this. He was still holding her bleeding wrist so he slapped his hand into hers and started dragging her into the house. "Come on."
"No, Jack…"
She was scared that someone else would see them, namely Evelyn of course. God forbid Evelyn knew she had imperfections. But Jack didn't let go. He pulled her all the way up the stairs and into the bathroom so he could grab something to help her. He sat on the toilet after running a washcloth under water. She was shaking her head as he wiped off her arm. He taped a gauze pad over the two perfect slices and then finally let go of her hand.
She rolled the sleeves of her sweatshirt down, even though they'd been rolled up outside when he grabbed her. It was freakishly warm for halfway through April. They should both be doing something outside. Actually, technically they should both be working shitty ass jobs trying to survive on their own… yeah that wasn't happening.
As soon as Jack looked up at her she looked the other way. "What, you didn't think I'd figure it out?" He tore at the leather wristband he always wore and showed her some of the many self inflicted scars. "You picked a bad person to try to hide it from, Chick."
She blushed a little, but started backing toward the door. Her sad almost-smile had returned. "I uh…"
"What did you really come here for?" He was watching her carefully, but didn't move to stop her.
"I told you," she said a bit shakily, "I came for a distraction, but obviously I'm not going to get one here."
"You do realize I'm leaving tomorrow, right?"
She bowed her head with a slightly pissed off smile. "Yes, you cocky bastard, I know that."
"Yeah? So what happens when I'm gone?"
"I won't have any reason to misbehave now will I?" She finally turned out the door. She kept walking away.
It wasn't until he heard the front door close behind her that he felt the sudden urge to follow her. And follow he did, bolting down the stairs and erupting from the house. "You came all the way here and you can't even give me a decent goodbye." He knew she'd be pissed off with that, but it was exactly what she needed. Anger at him was anger away from herself.
She spun around and glared at him. "You're one to fucking talk, Jack! If you'd had your way you'd have gone off without ever another word to me. You expected that you had to leave, because you expected that I was like any one of those fucking bimbos you'd known before. You thought that completely ending whatever the fuck it is we have would be easier than saying goodbye."
"No," They were suddenly in the middle of a yelling battle in the front lawn. Jack tried to quiet down and walked toward her. "I did what I did because you are absolutely nothing like the trash I've been with before and I don't want to be responsible for fucking you up any more than you already are. I decided on that while I was drunk and desperate for a way out. In all honesty I was afraid of what might have happened if we won that game."
They were too close now, she recognized it and stepped back before speaking again. "I didn't come here for an apology… or a goodbye. I didn't even come here to show you that you can't get rid of me that easily. I really did just come here because you're the only person that has ever allowed me to completely forget the fact that if I do something wrong at home I'm gonna get hurt, and if I make Alex jealous or angry I'm gonna get hurt. Even when I was in the middle of getting the shit kicked out of me two weeks ago, I was more pissed off and less scared than I have ever been. Jack, you're the only friend I've got that can do that and I needed it, if only one last time."
He hung his head in defeat. There was no getting away from this now. He'd helped her physically, but he'd really just made things worse. "What do you want from me?"
"One more day, Jack. Let's just do something, anything. I don't care where we go, or even how late we stay there. I don't have to work tonight, I can be home as late as I want and I don't want to go home. For all I care we can go somewhere and just sit around, but I want to go and I want to go with you."
Her friend nodded after a few seconds. It was only one more day. There was no escaping the leaving in the morning, and he did have to be back for his final dinner with Ma that night. "How did you get here?"
The sigh she heaved was gigantic and it brought a relieved smile to her face. "I parked at the pizzeria."
Glancing at the house he asked "You got your phone?"
"Of course, why?"
"I gotta let Ma know why I'm not around."
She handed over the phone immediately and he called and left a simple message on the machine that he could almost hear from the street. He handed the phone back and tugged at her shoulder. She flinched a little more than usual but he ignored it and said "Come on Chick, you get your one more day, lets not waste it standing here."
………………………………………………………………………………………
They'd walked into the pizzeria without having verbally decided on it. They'd been talking about what exactly the band had planned (which wasn't really much of anything, since none of them had been all that aware of anything when they'd made the plans.) Cal looked up to see if she wanted any food.
"You paying again, Chick?"
"Of course," She shrugged as they walked up to the counter. She ordered a cookies and cream milkshake and let Jack order for himself. Apparently he'd liked her idea and ordered an ice cream cone. He got his first, and while Joe was blending the milkshake he started a conversation.
"I was starting to think I'd never see this one again Jack."
The younger man blushed and clenched his jaw. "She's still too young for you Joe," he tried to take the attention off of himself.
"She's too young for you too kid."
It was Cal's turn to blush as she accidentally uttered aloud "Not tomorrow."
Jack sighed, understanding completely that she hadn't meant to say it. But it was still a really really bad thing to happen at the moment it did. They'd just blocked their previous bad conversation (or really, fight) out of their heads… now there was bound to be another one coming. But the girl snatched at her milkshake when it was laid on the counter, using food to shut herself up… gee that was a familiar technique. She pulled a small wad of bills from her back pocket and didn't bother waiting for her change before she went to the door. She held it open with her hip and foot and waited for Jack to follow her lead and leave. But he stuck out his hand first, and waited for the fat Italian man to fork over the cash before rolling his eyes and leaving.
Cal didn't bother getting in the car. She went around and sat on the hood instead. She'd totally fucked herself over with her comment in there. Now she couldn't think of any way to start a conversation. She wanted to apologize, but she knew Jack didn't need her to. Frustrated, she laid back on the hood. She was about to rest her milkshake on her belly when Jack slapped her dollar and some odd change there.
"Happy early birthday," he said in a much more light hearted manner than she'd expected. He sat down beside her and munched on his cone as she laughed.
"Thanks," she shoved the money in her pocket, "I should save it and sell it on Ebay when you're all famous and shit."
They both laughed a little and continued on with their ice cream. He finished quickly and leaned back on his elbows. But looking up he immediately said "The view here sucks… Keys."
"Where're we going?"
"It's not far, I'll make you walk if I have to."
Sighing she sat up, sucked some more milkshake, and delved into her pocket for the keys. "Whatever shall I do without someone to chauffer me around the city now?"
He snatched the keys and got in the car. As she got in he finally replied. "You should pay attention while I'm driving, it might keep you alive a little longer."
"Shut up, Jack, I'm not that bad." As he was about to reply they both jolted, he'd hit the curb trying to pull away. Cal snorted into her milkshake and pressed her hand against her mouth in an attempt to not spit it everywhere. "You sure you don't want me to drive?"
"Shut up."
………………………………………………………………………………………
Cal had immediately moved back to the hood, leaning on her elbows. Jack was right, the view was way better here. There was more sky. "You bring all the hot girls you know here Jack?"
He laughed, leaning back and taking the cigarette out of his mouth. "Who's being cocky now, Chick?"
"Oh so I'm not hot?"
"I didn't say that, and trust me, if that's what I meant I'd have said it."
"Good to know." She sat watching the clouds for a minute before adding, "Nice job avoiding the question, by the way."
He didn't like being accused like that…"The truth is, Chick, I never took any of the others anywhere besides the van, the bathroom, or occasionally a bedroom."
She chuckled, "Man whore."
"Don't even start. Between you and Bobby it's a wonder I'm not seeking therapy."
"You don't have to, you live with Evelyn."
"Good point," he laughed again. Evelyn was all the therapy he could ever handle.
After a few more minutes of silence Cal decided to blurt out "You gonna miss this place?"
Jack tossed his cigarette and laid all the way back. "Some of it. It might be nice to get away from the name for a while."
"Ah, yeah…"
"It's gonna be nice to be on my own for a while though."
"You're lucky."
"You could leave if you really wanted to," Jack said a tad angrily.
"Yeah, if I wanted to be looking over my shoulder the rest of my life."
He didn't reply. He knew he shouldn't have responded to it like that. She looked over at him with a smile. As she slyly turned away she elbowed him. "You gonna miss me, Jack?"
He smiled a little, "I haven't decided yet."
"Oh, ouch, that hurts dude," she joked.
"God, you really are a man aren't you…"
"Alright, that's even worse," she turned onto her side and poked him hard in the arm.
"Ow, alright, I take it back. Only a girl would poke like that."
She threatened to poke him again and he flinched away, making her laugh. "Pussy."
"Yeah, whatever," he crossed his arms beneath his head, protecting the now slightly sore spot from another attack.
Cal turned over onto her back again but stayed propped up on her elbows. As always, she was ready with a topic change. "So how did you know there was a better view here?"
He started pulling out another cigarette. "I used to walk out here all the time when I was a kid, just to get away. I stopped when I got a little older, but one day I got into it really bad with some kids at school. Then to top it off I was probably the highest I've ever been. My brothers would have kicked my ass, so I just kept walking. Somehow I ended up here, lying on that bench over there. I stayed there 'till I realized I wasn't high any more."
"Damn, what was that like.. days?"
"Fuck you, Chick," he laughed.
"That had to have been the worst case of the munchies ever."
"You have no idea."
"You'd be surprised."
"I still find it hard to believe you ever did shit like that."
"Yeah well, a teenage girl will do just about anything to make a guy stay with her."
"If only it were that easy to ditch the bastard, huh?"
"Exactly. You'd think stopping everything he got me into would be enough of a hint."
"Not for that dumb ass."
"I was a fucking idiot."
"At least you wised up."
"Yeah, maybe."
"I'll kick his ass a few times, don't worry."
"Thanks."
"No problem. I'd have wanted to anyway, you're the best excuse I could ask for."
"Gee you're so sweet Jack."
"I know." He tossed away the second cigarette and sighed a little. He was relaxed, but at the same time completely unnerved. He wondered if he would always feel like this around her. If he weren't leaving he might have tried to start something with her. She was pretty much the perfect girl for him, there was little question of that. But he was leaving, and he couldn't have taken leaving her if they'd had anything more than this. When the band first discussed leaving he'd toyed around with the idea of inviting her to come… but Alex fucked over that idea. Still, as much as he hated to admit it, he was really gonna miss her. He suddenly blurted out, "You gonna be able to take care of yourself while I'm gone Chick?"
She blushed a little and smiled. "I'll do my best."
"Should be easier, since I'm taking half the problem with me."
"Indeed." She tried to crack the knuckles of the hand stiffened by the brace. Anything to make the cramped feeling go away. There was another silence, this one possibly the longest they'd ever shared. Cal's mind wandered all through places it should have stayed away from. "You wanna know the strangest thing?"
It was kind of a rhetorical question, but he replied anyway. "What's that?"
"The day we first hung out… that was January 30th. That was the 10th anniversary of my mother's leaving."
Jack was at a loss for words. This was a completely irrelevant piece of information, and it was depressing. What was he supposed to say to that? He knew by the look on her face that she wasn't expecting much of a response. She'd just thrown the information out there, an interesting fact of sorts. And it was interesting, considering the two people involved were the only two who had ever protected Cal. But it wasn't exactly the best note to hit on when they might never see each other again. …Would that really happen? There was probably no way she would leave town, not without coaxing. But maybe at college she'd meet someone that could pull her away. Jack didn't know when he'd be back. He'd come back, he was sure of that much. As long as Evelyn was here he had to. But how hard would he have to look in order to find Cal?
He wished he could guarantee her a good boyfriend, someone to really take care of her, get her out of here. It would be a hell of a lot better for her to be gone and never see him again. Watching her now he knew he'd have taken her along if Alex wasn't in the picture. She'd have had a kick-ass time… and she'd have been safe. But life wasn't that simple.
Suddenly, the crazy ass girl rolled to hover above him. He rose to lean on his elbows, trying to get away from her. This was bad… worse than the damn pool game. Way too close. His rising up didn't help. He couldn't get out without touching her, and if he tried she'd probably just have pulled him back anyway. "What the fuck are you doing Cal?"
She smirked when she heard him use her real name, but she looked up and waited for their eyes to lock before speaking. "If I had been 18 that night, would you have tried to win the game?"
"In other words would I have fucked you?" Jack didn't want to be pissed off because he knew it wouldn't help, but he was definitely pissed. She just barely blushed at his return and gave a small nod. Her eyes never left his. …God, why was he so turned on by this… this was wrong and it couldn't happen. "No"
She gave a quiet laugh out her nose and smiled. "You're a God-dammed liar Jack Mercer."
He stopped looking at her… he had to. But apparently she'd had a plan, and he hadn't stopped her. She leaned forward and he immediately knew what she was doing. "Don't!" But she'd already attached herself to his neck. When she decided she'd sufficiently left her mark she let go, but didn't move back. He could feel her breathe slowly against his neck and jaw before she finally whispered to him.
"Good luck Jack. Have fun." She slid off the hood leaving him there breathing sporadically to the point of near hyperventilation. He hadn't even gotten off the car when she started it up.
So this was how it was going to end? She'd given him part of what he'd forbidden himself and now she was going to do the leaving before he could. He probably should have stopped her, tried to make this a little less insane. He couldn't, he let her go, but he knew if he ever came back he wasn't letting her get away with that again.