Disclaimer: Um... yeah... don't sue me, I can't afford it and I'm not claiming anything except Cal, her family, and her past...
Author's Note: So, I've been trying to upload this for two days... totally didn't work until just now... but that's alright, it kept gowing in length and detail... fun fun.. so enjoy this incredibly long chapter. Oh and by the way, thanks to all my reviewers, I 3 you all
I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly
I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do
I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden
And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am
these lyrics found on don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same
Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same
In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same
Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
All the Same – Sick Puppies
Evelyn had been shocked to see Jack lying on the couch when she got home Thursday evening. He hadn't hardly stayed home at night since the band had come back (temporary hiatus until they gathered some more money… that's what they claimed at least. Evelyn wondered how many of them were just plain homesick.) But she knew by her son's pathetic moping that something had happened between him and whoever he'd been spending all that time with.
"Help me with dinner Jackie?" Her infamous question that was actually a command, all her sons knew it well. He silently rolled off the couch to comply. He knew his place in her kitchen better than any of the others. In fact, he was really the only one compliant enough to have learned anything about real cooking. But her keeping him in the kitchen had also helped her to keep an eye on him. For example, right now he was focusing far too hard on the pots and pans he was supposed to be searching through. "What's the matter?"
He didn't look up, something must really have been bothering him. But he answered typically… "Nothing."
"Jackie, don't lie to your mother." She was scrubbing vegetables in the sink and following his example, not looking at her son.
He grabbed what he needed from the cupboard and stood up to hand it over. "It's nothing Mom, really."
She didn't believe that for a second, but she knew a topic change was the only way to pry the truth out of her little one. She nodded about his comment before noting, "I didn't expect you to be home so early today. Are you going out later?"
"I doubt it." Now he was sounding distant. She'd made him think about whatever was bothering him.
"Did something happen?"
He sighed, finally remembering that she wasn't ever going to give up until she found out what she wanted to know, and knew it was the truth. "I guess," he played dumb.
"You guess something happened. Lets narrow things down here sweetie, does it have to do with the band?"
"No," he said sternly, but as he leaned on the counter he thought again. "Well… maybe? I don't know…" he rubbed his face with his hands.
"It's a simple question Jackie. Focus for a second and tell me, yes or no, is this a problem with a band member?"
"Not ..." he sighed again. He was ready to give her a long explanation but that's not what she'd asked for. "No."
"One of your brothers then?"
Jack gave a small, uncomfortable laugh. "Definitely not."
"Well I'm out of ideas…" Evelyn confessed. She was silent after that, continuing to prepare things to put in the oven. She knew her silence would bother him into saying whatever he needed to get off his chest.
"I…" he started, but growled in frustration, not knowing how to start. He finally figured he might as well just come out with the important background information first. "I have a girlfriend," he blurted out, "…well, had a girlfriend."
"Jack, you've only been back for two weeks!"
He cringed and turned his cheek to his mother's scolding before correcting her. "Less than, actually."
Somehow Evelyn managed to finish what she was doing and, after setting the timer, devote her full attention to her son. "And how long have you been dating her?"
"Technically? A week yesterday." He smiled a little, realizing how ridiculous it was that they'd had a fight exactly one week after they'd first hooked up.
"What do you mean, technically? What other form of time is there?"
"Well…" He leaned backwards on the countertop and tried to think of a way out of this confession. There wasn't one. "It's Cal, so… I guess it just feels like a lot longer, because of last year and all."
"Cal? I thought there wasn't anything going on between you two."
"There wasn't last year. But I ran in to her last Wednesday and…" Yeah, going on with that sentence probably wasn't a good idea.
"It took less than a day for you two to start dating after 10 months of not speaking?"
"It actually only took like 10 minutes to make the decision… not that it was an actual decision, it just kinda happened." Oh shit fuck… she was going to see right through that statement! She was giving him that scolding look… dammit… "Don't look at me like that! I'm sorry if what I did disappoints you but I'm not sorry I did it, alright?" He immediately felt like shit for yelling at Evelyn, but she seemed a little impressed with the conviction behind his words. In truth, he was just as shocked. It was one of those things you can't admit to yourself until it slips out like that. But Evelyn still looked cautious about the whole thing. "I'm pretty sure I love her, if that makes you feel any better," he finally looked his mother in the eye.
Sighing, she finally decided that what mattered more were the still unanswered questions. "What happened?"
"I fu… Screwed up." He smirked a little as he censured himself.
She gave a quick glare but pried deeper. "That doesn't explain very much."
Jack pulled himself up onto the counter now, knowing this conversation was going to take a while. He had to start at the beginning… but just where was the beginning? How about, "Her dad beats her." Yeah that was a good start… especially because it got his social-working mother completely hooked on his words.
"How badly?"
"Well, it's abuse Mom, there is no good. But it wasn't really bad until yesterday. She had this big… I don't know, I guess it was a bruise, but it looked scabbed too… and it was like a big horseshoe on her neck."
Evelyn knew immediately from her years of experience just what had made that mark. "He used a belt," she muttered, not entirely meaning to.
"What?!"
"Continue, Jackie…"
Rolling his eyes he tried to refocus. "Right, so I made a bit of a big deal out of it and she got all defensive… Stop looking at me like that! Yes, I know I shouldn't have pushed her, but Ma, she's 18 years old! And… well, I don't think my complaining was the real problem anyway." He cringed before she even started her next scolding.
"JACK MERCER WHAT DID YOU DO?"
He hesitated. "I mighta…sorta… grabbed at her a little…" She was shaking her head at him. "I know, alright! I know it was stupid and I didn't mean to… and she punched me for it, by the way… But Mom she was running toward the bathroom and I was honestly afraid she was going to hurt herself."
"She wouldn't have done it while you were around…"
"No, I think she would have. The last time she came around before I left she'd gotten roughed up, so she freaked out and cut herself. She knows that I know about it… hell I bandaged 'em for her!"
Evelyn had started moving around. She'd grabbed two glasses, filled them with water, and now was motioning Jack to follow her into the dining room. She wanted to sit down to discuss this… Jack did not, but he did it anyway. He'd fucked up enough, now he had to make it up to her so she'd give him advice.
As he sat, he stretched his arm across the table, almost touching his mother's on the other side. "Mom, I gotta get her out of there." He knew he was pleading with his eyes, and he tried to stop. He was being pathetic… but he couldn't help it. Evelyn could fix it, like she'd fixed his problems before.
But Evelyn was shaking her head. "She has to be willing to do it Jackie. You can't make her do it."
"Well I can, but she'd hate me for it." He muttered, slightly amused at the scenarios running through his head.
"No Jackie."
He nodded and, frustrated, muttered, "Yeah I know… But I can't just sit around and watch her bruises can I? I don't know what to do… Everything I did yesterday was useless. I'm pretty sure I scared her, and she didn't really trust me to begin with so…"
"You can't be expected to change how you act for every person you meet."
He quickly sat back in his chair, realizing his proximity to his mother wasn't making him feel any better. "It's not just some person, it's Cal. Things were different before because I wasn't allowed to touch her. Now I can, and I want to, but after yesterday… I'm afraid to. Gah, I'm so stupid."
"What you did was a completely normal reaction," Evelyn tried to comfort him.
"Yeah well, I guess I figured living with you I should have known better."
She smiled a little, proud that her son had picked up on as much as he did. "She'll give you another chance."
"How do you know?" He wasn't so sure.
The oven timer was starting to go off, but Evelyn ignored it for a moment more. "You're a good boy Jackie, she knows that. If you're patient she'll start to trust you." Only when she'd finished and patted her son's arm did she head back to the kitchen.
She didn't hear him muttering "But I'm not patient."
………………………………………………………………………………………
The bar was really crowded even by 5 o' clock Friday. Cal was rushing back and forth, not even looking up at the people she was serving. Jack decided to wait at the counter with Alex until the girl could pull out their beers. But the first boy regretted his decision when he noticed the other pinch the arm of this girl they both claimed as their own. But as his competition walked away with his booze Jack stuck around.
"Chick…"
She quickly cut him off. "I'm busy."
"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "I just… Later? Please?"
"Maybe." She walked to the other end of the bar hoping to escape him, but he followed her anyway.
"Cal, I'm sorry, and you have every right to ream me out for what I said if you want to, but please don't ignore me."
She handed over the drinks she'd been mixing before leaning on the counter. "If I were going to ream you out," she almost looked up at him, but not quite, before finishing "It would be for leaving."
As she went back to work she heard him mutter "Shit," and rub his face in frustration before turning to join the rest of the band.
………………………………………………………………………………………
By the time the bar calmed down Cal was keeping her eyes on Jack and Alex at all times. Every minute that passed the air between the two boys grew tenser and she didn't trust either of them to behave. And she definitely couldn't afford to let them start trouble on her watch.
She knew as the last few other people left that she needed to do something to keep the boys occupied. Suddenly, as she was wiping the counter down, an ingeniously fun idea popped into her head. She grabbed two beers and started toward the others.
As she neared them, Jack jumped up from the chair he'd been occupying and started to lunge at Alex. Cal skillfully dropped the beers on the nearest pool table and pulled her boyfriend back. He was shocked but Cal had already let go of him. She decided to flaunt her hips as she walked back to the pool table, hopped up and took a swig of a beer before smiling flirtatiously. "Alex pick yourself a whore, I wanna play Steady Hands."
Jack half stumbled his way over to her as she pulled her favorite stick off the rack. He just stood behind her for a minute before she felt his hand on her shoulder. It slid down to her middle and he pulled her close.
"Does this mean I'm forgiven?"
She chuckled, "Fuck no," her face rested against his, "But it means you have all morning to get there."
Jack kissed her neck before muttering "I'll take that." In fact, he would have taken just about anything. Especially after that flirty shit she'd just pulled.
Alex was already glaring at the couple across the table from him. The last time they'd played this game he'd seen Jack trying so hard not to touch the girl. Now he wouldn't stop touching her, and the Alex found himself wishing her was in his place. He wasn't ever supposed to want to be Jack! This was wrong, Cal was supposed to be his!
"You wanna break, Lex?"
He continued to glare but took advantage of the offer, wrapping his arms around a random girl he'd pulled into the game.
Jack stepped back, but he kept one arm around his girlfriend. She flinched as he rubbed up against her shoulder and he suddenly remembered why. He wondered if that would effect her skills. But she didn't seem worried so he let her handle the situation. Though his first priority was still taking care of Cal, he couldn't help that he really REALLY wanted to win this game…
……………………………………………………………………………………..
Alex stormed off after losing two games of Steady Hands to his ex and her new lover. He'd taken his partner with him and Cal almost felt sorry for the poor girl who didn't know what she'd gotten herself into.
Jack had laughed and goaded his bandmate which had almost resulted in a fistfight. But now as the other boy was slamming the door he clung gently to the prize the two had really been fighting over. She been stumbling a little and giggling a little too much so as she finished her drink Jack got to wondering just how much drinking she'd been doing.
Gently he ran his hand up her shirt and felt for the damage on her shoulder. He felt the scabs before she flinched away. He kept his hold on her and whispered "I wanna see."
She hesitated, obviously worried that he would react similarly to the other night. He started pulling up her shirt, a t-shirt tonight instead of her usual wife beater probably in an attempt to hide the ugliness, but she swatted him away and went behind the bar.
"Hey, I'm sorry. I just…" he followed over to the bar, helpfully bringing along the empty bottles left over from the game. He had to think for a second before he blurted out anything that would get him into deeper trouble. "It'll make me feel better if I can see it, alright. I promise I wont make a big deal over it, I just… It's in a bad place and I know he's not helping you with it so…"
She tried to hide a smile, biting her lip and keeping her head lowered. But she finally sighed and said "upstairs."
She was a little slower moving than she usually was. Jack wasn't sure if she was just procrastinating, or if the drinking really had slowed her down. But they made it up, and into her bedroom where she started changing into a pair of pajamas. He knew this was her way of saying he wasn't getting any tonight, and he smiled and nodded in understanding. But as she stripped off her shirt they both cringed. She'd been right, this hidden one was twice as bad as the one on her neck. She pulled her tank top over her head, leaving the wound open for Jack to inspect. He immediately pulled her into the fluorescent lighting of the bathroom and opened the medicine cupboard to take care of her.
"How the hell were you not screaming in pain all night?" He asked as calmly as he could. He noticed her tense up a little, but she also gave a short laugh.
"You don't feel much of anything when you're high Jack."
He stopped disinfecting her shoulder and stared at her in shock. "High!?" This time she really laughed and nodded her head, but he still didn't believe her. "You're high?"
"I was, it started fading in the middle of Steady Hands."
"Which is why you pulled away so fast..." he suddenly realized. She nodded again. "What did you use?"
She shrugged a little, but flinched. Looking up into the cabinet she used her unimpaired arm to reach for a prescription bottle that had no label. She tossed it over her bad shoulder to the still shocked man behind her. "There's probably an assortment in there, it's just old shit Alex left here."
Wait… Alex had been in this apartment? He'd left shit here? Jack felt himself growing more and more defensive, and wanting more and more to kill that bastard. "How long ago?"
"A few years… two probably."
"I thought you only dated him until you were 15.."
"Almost 16… and I didn't stop getting drugs from him for another five or six months. AND, for your information, that's the first time I've used them since my 17th birthday."
Normally Jack found he had no problem with the girls he liked doing drugs. Hell, it was kind of an excuse to use them himself. But these drugs had ties to Alex and everything that bastard had done to Cal. Setting aside the things he'd been preparing to use on her he twisted open the bottle and poured them down the sink as he turned on the faucet. She bit her lip but this time there was no smile trying to come out from behind her actions. But Jack picked up where he'd left off and her attention was turned to the searing sting of the disinfectant. She cried out a little but she was pulled down onto her boyfriend's knee as he sat on the toilet. He put something much more soothing over the nasty cut and finally taped a gauze pad over it. But before he let her up he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed the bandage gently.
"I am sorry about how I handled this the other day." He started. "I worry about you Chick." She didn't say anything, but she wasn't pulling out of his grip either. Sighing, he kissed between her shoulder blades this time and then urged her to get up.
She reached for his hand and he let her drag him toward the couch. He almost laughed out loud when she pulled out the Playstation 2 paddles. The alternative to sex was video games… this was quite possibly the best alternative he could think of… except maybe drugs, but he had pretty adamantly decided against letting Cal use again so that was out of the question. She snuggled up to him as they played some fighting game. She was better at it because she owned it, but as she grew tired she started losing to him. During half of one fight he was certain he felt her eyes close, but then jolt open. They laid like that for an hour or more before he decided not to keep her awake any more. He pulled the controller from her hands after she lost again and set both of them on the coffee table.
Just as he was about to sit up and force her to go to bed her cell phone started vibrating against said coffee table. He grabbed it mentioning "Who the fuck is calling you at 3:30 in the morning?" She mumbled something against his chest and when he read the caller id he realized what she'd said. "Ass weasel?"
"Don't answer it," she warned.
"Does Ass Weasel have a real name?"
"Yes."
"And it is?..."
Groaning she sat up and snatched the phone. Opening it she started the much dreaded conversation. "Bobby Mercer if you don't stop fucking calling me I swear to God…"
Apparently the man on the other end of the line cut her off but Jack was too stunned to notice that she was preoccupied. "WHAT?!"
She smiled at him before replying to Bobby. "Hang on a second." Then she explained quietly "He's been calling a couple times a month to see if you came back to fuck me yet?" She was grinning widely, but also eyeing her boyfriend cautiously. When he lunged at the phone she stood up on the couch and hopped over the back. "Hey Bobby, could you call back some other time, I'm kinda busy trying to fuck your baby brother." She managed to press the speaker phone button which was probably a big mistake.
"What's a matter, the little faerie still ain't puttin' out?"
"Shut the fuck up Bobby." Jack interjected.
"Woah, you mean he really is there? Well would you look at that. Good for you Jackie, at least I know someone's makin' a man out of you."
Before Jack could react again Cal said "Hey, first of all, I don't appreciate being called masculine. Second, I don't appreciate you demeaning my boyfriend. Thirdly our sex life is just fine, thank you for asking. And lastly, I'm exhausted so I'm going to hang up and go to bed now, is that ok with you Big Brother?" she joked with a smirk.
"No, hey let me talk to my brother before you hang up alright."
"No," the girl stated bluntly. "If you talk to him you're gonna get him all riled up and pissed off and I'm too tired to deal with him like that."
"Then send him home afterwards, I don't care. You're not keeping me from talking to him, I'll just keep calling till he answers."
But Jack snuck up and snatched the phone away, switching off of speaker. "What the fuck are you doin' man?"
Cal watched intently, hoping Bobby didn't say anything too stupid.
"Two weeks… pretty much, yeah… Go to hell, Bobby…" Jack noticed his girlfriend's foot tapping nervously and snapped the phone shut. She'd stopped looking at him and was watching her foot, but when she heard the end of the conversation she looked up just in time to meet his lips for a much needed kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck and practically fell into him. He tossed the phone backwards and heard it land on the couch (which was lucky because he really couldn't afford to buy her a new one). Then pulling away from the kiss he asked in a whiny voice "Is it time for bed yet?"
She laughed and nodded, but kissed him again before she started moving. By the time they'd settled into bed she was already asleep. Jack was content to just watch her again. His arm rested around her waist as she faced him. She was trying to keep from sleeping on her bad shoulder and he knew he had to try to keep from touching it by accident. But he couldn't lay there and not touch her, not now that he was allowed to. He needed to know she was still there.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
Cal shifted, waking up slowly. It didn't feel like she'd been asleep very long, but looking at the clock would involve a lot of movement and she really didn't want to wake Jack up. Sliding backwards she watched the man's hand fall gently to the mattress and waited to see if he would notice. He continued to sleep, even giving a little half snore.
So Cal was able to sneak off to the bathroom. She tried desperately to stretch her stiff shoulder, but it wouldn't pop like she wanted it to. All she managed to do was break the thick scabs open under the bandage. Trying not to whimper in pain she reached for the medicine cabinet and for a second she just looked at the shelves. The really good stuff was gone now… down the drain. She looked down for a second, as if hoping a pill or two had gotten stuck… nothing was there. With a bit of a sigh she reached for the Tylenol, flinching at the stretching of her shoulder.
"You alright?"
She almost dropped the bottle as she instantly looked over at the man standing in the doorway. "Yeah," she managed to croak out, "Yeah I'm fine…" She was lying and she was too tired to try to hide it.
"What's wrong?"
By the look on his face she knew she looked like shit. And it wasn't just from the shoulder. Was there any use trying to lie again?... Nah. "It was a dream… well… I… It was kinda more like a… flashback? Is that possible?"
Jack smirked. Apparently she was amusing when she was tired and confused. But he shrugged in response to her question.
She stepped over to sit on the toilet and think for a minute. "I mean… I know it happened, but it happened years ago. But I could feel it the same as when it did happen and…" Now she stopped and lifted her hand to watch it shake. She tried to smile and nod to herself but when she looked up at Jack it was apologetically. But she was too tired to focus for a long time on such things. She looked away and finally managed that smile… until Jack got curious.
"Who was in the dream?"
She didn't answer. She didn't want him to know. It was awkward.
"Your father?"
Slowly she shook her head.
He sighed the next guess, "Alex…What did he do?"
"I should have known better," she muttered.
"Cal…" he was about to push her to tell the story, but he either suddenly remembered what time it was or saw how tired his girlfriend looked. He took two big steps and tugged on the strap of her tank top. "It's not even 6 yet. Let's go back to bed alright?"
She stood but then, thinking a moment, asked "Why are you still here?" He never stayed later than quarter of five…
"Because I want to be." He managed to hold her hand without having her flinch, so he began pulling her back to the bedroom. He flopped down before finishing the conversation. "Later, I want to know about your dream."
They settled into much the same position they'd been in before and Jack was soon back to sleep. Cal watched him with heavy eyelids, but she didn't want to go back to sleep. She didn't want to see Alex anymore. She'd had enough of him. Especially the way he'd been in the flashback. God, how many drugs had she been on that night? She couldn't fight, couldn't think, could barely even talk… But she remembered everything and it was an exact flashback she'd dreamt. The smell, the taste, the half-numb feeling… She shuddered, knowing she was about to lose her battle with sleep, and that the dream was going to repeat itself…
………………………………………………………………………………………