The day was overcast as we wound our way up route 101 towards Port Angeles where we picked up the ferry to Vancouver Island. After twenty minutes of driving in peaceful silence, my anticipation building at sharing my surprise with Bella, she turned to me and asked with innocent eyes, "Why are we all dressed up?" But I knew better. "Do you really think that I would give up information that easily?" I chuckled at her sly attempt. She gave me an adorable smirk in return. Bella dislikes surprises as much as I liked them, especially for her. The anticipation alone was worth the endearing look on her face.
We pulled up to the Port Angeles -Victoria BC Ferry Terminal and I paid the attendant and drove onto the boat. It would be about an hour trip to cross, so I suggested that we leave the car below deck and go up top to see the sights. Bella obliged without further question. I offered her a black wrap I had brought for her, as I put on a black leather jacket. Although we didn't technically need them, it would look suspicious if we only wore our lightweight tops in the middle of December. Since it was the mid-day on a Wednesday, the Ferry was only half full of passengers. We found our way to the top level at the bow, where we would have the best view of the harbor, and had the deck to ourselves. I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind as we both looked out over the vast, cold, blue-green water. There were little snowflakes dancing through the air, but not enough to accumulate. I pulled Bella closer to me and leaned down to bury my face in the nook of her neck, breathing her heady scent in.
"Edward," she murmured. Every time she uttered my name, even in anger, it sent a thrill to my very core.
"Yes my love?" My face still buried in her hair as she looked out over the water, her hands over mine.
"There's something I have been meaning to ask you, it's silly really, but I figure I won't stop thinking about it until I ask," hesitancy in her voice.
"It can't be that silly if you keep thinking about it, what is it?" I said encouraging her to share her thoughts with me. Even after all of this time together, there were moments it was still difficult for me to accept that her mind was not open to me like the rest of the human population.
"Well, it's about before you changed me," she paused. I sensed her struggling with her words. I turned her around in my arms so she was facing me and looked deeply into her eyes.
"You know how we 'slept together' before you changed me?" she said while fiddling with the top button of my shirt. Her eyes averting mine.
"Yes," I grinned. It was a glorious evening, she was finally my wife and we consummated our union as I never thought possible while she was still so fragile. My Bella had been transformed into a very confident, sexual being that night. I agreed with her earlier comment to Alice though, it was wonderful, but it couldn't even compare to our physical unions since we were equals. The emotion was the same, but the level of intensity was increased tenfold with our lack of physical restraint. I felt myself grinning like a silly schoolboy as my mind raced with all the wonderful intimate occasions we had spent together. And to think, I was ready to spend the rest of this existence without ever experiencing that level of unguarded love and connection. It was foolish of me to believe I was ever complete without Bella.
She pulled me out of my lustful reverie as she continued. "Well it seemed relatively easy for you to not hurt me, so I have wondered was the reason that you made us wait until we were married more about preserving your, err, my virtue, as opposed to my safety?" she asked with a smirk.
She still couldn't believe that I had been concerned about her, and partially my, virtue. I knew it didn't make sense considering what I was, but I still clung onto the social rules of my time, and they said absolutely no sex until marriage. But in reality, the main reason was her physical safety. I had been ready to give into all my pent up desires that day in the meadow when I told her all bets were off. I'm so glad she stopped me for I have no idea if I was truly ready at the point.
"I mean, I appreciate your concern if that is the reason, and in retrospect I am glad we waited. Though at the time I thought I might combust with my lust for you," she smiled, a hint of that same desire in her eyes, "But, since I have been changed, I have tried to get a better understanding of the struggle you went through every minute you were around me. I honestly don't know how you did it, controlled your hunger, when my blood was the one and only that sang to you." She said as she shook her head in disbelief.
Bella continuously took me by surprise with the way that her mind worked and this was no exception. She had obviously been thinking about this for some time and for whatever reason didn't feel comfortable sharing it with me until now. I surmised that the question was less about why I had requested for us to wait, and more about what I had experienced while she was human.
If I was truly honest with myself the only reason that I had insisted we wait was because I wasn't sure if I could control my thirst when we were wrapped up in the throws of passion. But, could I admit that to her, when she looked up to me as the one with so much control over my inner-beast? I had every intention of sharing my experiences in this existence with her, but at the same time, it was difficult to admit to my weaknesses and self-doubt. Since I knew she was asking to help her get a better understanding of her own eternal struggle, I thought it would be wiser to put my own self-preservation aside and share even if it resulted in her thinking less of me.
"Yes, part of the reason that I wanted to wait was for virtue," I smiled at her and then continued in a more serious tone with my admission, "but the main reason is because I wasn't fully confident in my ability to control myself once we were caught up in the moment. As you recall, it was a struggle on both our parts when it came to physical contact," I smirked attempting to lighten the strain in my voice, "I knew that if I lost control, if I harmed you in any way, I had to be ready to change you. I truly did not want to be faced with that situation until we were married."
I paused trying to put into words the gut-wrenching struggle I went through with my decisions concerning her, "Bella, up until the morning after our wedding, I was still not convinced I was ready to change you, or that I could even control my thirst for you enough to change you, even with all of the feeding I did leading up to the wedding, without taking your life completely. Obviously hindsight is twenty-twenty and I am extremely happy with our decision, but if I had seen a way out of it that morning without causing you pain, without a doubt, I would have taken it." I pulled her even closer to me, running my fingers through her silky hair that flowed down her back.
My voice dropped to a whisper at my revelation, "Now I realize I was foolish to ever think we could have had a life together without being equals. My pride once again almost got the best of me, and I'm so glad it didn't this time." She was looking deeply into my eyes. I only saw love and admiration from her. How she did not hold my weaknesses against me I will never understand, I certainly did.
"Edward, I'm sorry I pushed you so much that morning. I mean I'm not at all sorry you succumbed to my stubbornness, but I didn't realize you were still questioning your own control. I hope you know that I never doubted you." I smiled and nodded as she said it. I knew that she had a deep faith in me; I wish I could say that same for myself.
"What made you be able to stop once you bit me?" sincere curiosity in her voice.
I hung my head, vividly recalling the moment when I had to fight to stop taking her blood, it was excruciating. I had only admitted to Carlisle my weakness during that moment. My self-loathing was fighting its way to the surface of my emotions - trying to overcome me. But, when I thought about what caused me to release her from my deadly clutches, it was a good memory. She deserved to know. "I had an image of you and me in the woods hunting together. Your eyes were a warm amber and you took my hand, smiled at me and we ran together. We were so happy. Knowing that could be us, if I could only stop myself, gave me the strength." The physical pain of battling what my body wanted more than anything still coursed through me. "Then you whispered my name and it brought me back to reality, to what I could so easily do to you."
"Why do you think it was different than the other time you tasted my blood?" She inquired, attempting to truly understand my internal warring.
"When James bit you, all I could think about was keeping you from changing. I was nowhere near ready at that point to see you become one of us. I didn't have to take that much of your blood to get his venom out. It tasted different then too, it was tainted with his venom and morphine; nothing like the purity of your blood when I bit you." My voice dropped to a barely audible whisper, my eyes closed in despair. "I took so much from you. It was too close." I had come so close to ending it all, her life and my reason for existence. Over the last few months those painful memories on occasion would creep up and paralyze me. I would have to force myself back to the present to realize I didn't end it all, somehow I stopped and now I had my love with me for eternity.
She reached up and touched my face with her fingertips and I opened my eyes to see her lovingly gazing at me, again, not even a hint of disappointment.
"Do you think that's why I changed in less than three days?" she said while still lovingly caressing my face.
I nodded, "Carlisle thinks so, that and the fact that your blood had already been exposed to our venom, even if it were for a short amount of time."
Bella was whispering into my chest, "Now that I have only scarcely experienced what you went through every day to be with me, and I haven't even come close to what you went through to change me...I feel unworthy." Her eyes did not meet mine as she spoke. How could she think she was unworthy? Bella was the most loving, compassionate, and intuitive being I had ever met.
I cupped her chin with my hand and drew her gaze up to mine, "Bella, love, don't even think that again. It is me who was unworthy of your love and adoration, but I have realized over these last few months that for whatever the reason, you do love me with your whole heart," a sweet grin spread across her face as she nodded her head, "and I am going to accept that wholeheartedly and no longer question the reason. The energy I spent berating myself for being blessed with your love was that much less energy I was able to spend on loving you."
I bent down and whispered in her ear, "We are two sad, selfless fools who are stuck with each other for all of eternity, so we better get use to it," with playfulness. Bella and I were very similar in our ability to let ourselves be consumed with guilt.
I felt her cheeks pull up in a smile against mine. She drew back slightly and looked at me. Her gaze was like an ocean full of love and I wanted to spend my eternity floating in it. She pushed up on her toes and pressed her full, cool lips to mine. I pulled her closer to me, taking in a gasp of air as the electricity of passion passed between us. We stood there for several moments, locked in our embrace when the voice of the captain came over the loud speaker to tell us we were nearing the harbor.
I released all but her hand and led her back to our car below. We drove off of the ferry and headed slightly north to our destination. As we pulled up to the hotel, I glanced over to see Bella's eyes wide with shock. The structure really was a grand sight with its seven-story brick facade, high peaked dormer windows, and copper domes atop the brick pillars and large entranceway. The entire outline of the building had been lined in white lights for the holiday season. It had a presence on the edge of the water similar to buildings seen in London. A level of regality and elegance not seen in modern day hotels.
She turned to me, "Are we staying here?" she said with incredulous excitement.
I had a big grin on my face at her response, "Yes, for two nights and then we will make the drive up to Juneau. I thought we deserved a mini honeymoon since we didn't spend much time in Seattle."
"How did you find this place, it is amazing?"
"It was built a few years before I was changed. My mother and father had planned to come here on vacation, but that never came to fruition when we all fell ill. It has recently been restored to its original early twentieth century grandeur." What few memories I still had of my parents came rushing back, filling me with peace and love.
We pulled up the circular driveway and the valet took our keys and bag. We walked into the opulent entranceway with its marble pillars and parquet floors. There were palm trees lining the center aisle and seating areas off to each side. The coffered ceiling had stepped, recessed panels with a different painted scene in each, replicating al fresco style.
As we approached the desk, the concierge's eyes went wide at the sight of us. Her thoughts were absorbed with our indescribable beauty and her heart rate sped up when she spoke to us, obligatorily listing off the features of the hotel. Although I was entirely accustomed to this reaction from humans, I sensed Bella's discomfort as her body stiffened at the young woman's quickened pulse. I wrapped my arm around her waist in reassurance.
As we made our way up to our room, I saw off to the right of the elevators was a formal lounge with leather seating and a three-story fireplace that covered most of the wall. The decor was reminiscent of British regality.
I had requested their most impressive suite with two bedrooms and a large parlor. A section of the sitting area had parquet flooring and in the middle stood a baby-grand piano. Upon seeing it I realized I hadn't played since we had been home and I missed the creative outlet. I was certain I would find an opportunity to play for Bella later.
As the bellboy left I gave him a tip and closed the door. I turned to find Bella running at me and jumping into my arms, "Edward, it is just beautiful here. I love that you wanted to share a place with me that was from your human life. It means so much to me."
"Bella I want to share everything with you." I said, her favorite crooked grin on my face, while leading her over to the king-sized mahogany four-poster bed and laying her down. I removed my jacket and lay down beside her, pulling her back to my chest. My one arm was under her head and she twined her fingers in mine and kissed each one. I let out a deep sigh of contentment.
"How did I ever get so lucky to by loved by you?" she said sweetly.
"Now you know how I have felt every single day since you told me you loved me - the night after the meadow." I murmured into her hair, kissing her neck.
We spent the next few hours just relaxing in the room, but I didn't plan on squandering away the entire day when there was so much to show Bella. At dusk we walked over to the hotel's gardens that had been decorated with thousands of white lights, swags and wreaths of evergreens. The recent snowfall crunched beneath our shoes as we walked hand in hand through the magical paths. We talked about the move. She was excited to live on the east coast. She wanted me to teach her to snowboard at one of the large mountain resorts in Vermont. Our hope was that by next fall she would be ready to attend college full time, there was several in the area.
We meandered our way back to the hotel and up to our room. After a few minutes I found myself seated at the piano. Bella was looking out the large window at the lights outlining the bay. I started playing the composition I had been working on in Alaska. I had been close to completing it when Charlie called to inform us that Billy passed away. The last verse came to me while we were walking through the gardens.
Bella came to sit next to me on the piano bench as I played the last few notes. "That's beautiful. Is that the piece you were composing at the cabin when Charlie called?"
I nodded, "For whatever reason it took me until now to hear the ending." I smiled with satisfaction as I memorized the notes so that I could later put them to paper. I didn't need to have them written down, I already knew every note, but I liked to take the time to do it just the same.
I got up from the bench and walked over to my bag to remove a CD. I went to the stereo system that was built into the outside wall of the room and put in the CD and pressed play. As the music started to fill the room, I held my hand out to Bella. She took it with hesitation in her eyes.
"Trust me." I smiled.
I pulled her body close to mine, my right arm around her waist, and my left arm elevated in proper waltz stance, lightly cupping her hand in mine. Our feet floated across the parquet floor in time with the music. The two other times we had danced like this, she was human, at the prom and our wedding. Both times she needed to place her feet on mine so I could guide her. Now, just like with ice-skating, her newly honed body instinctively took over and followed my lead like a professional. It felt wonderful to twirl her across the dance floor while the piece I had recorded filled the room. The entire time she had a huge grin on her beautiful face. Her velvet skirt swayed to accentuate each of our movements. As the music came to a close, I dipped her and kissed her deeply.
The next day I had planned a whale-watching trip through one of the local tourism companies. The gentleman I spoke with warned me it would be very cold out on the water and I assured him we would bring proper outerwear. Bella was so excited about the trip and said she had never done anything like this before. She couldn't wait to board the boat and was like a giddy school child. We were out on the open water for a couple of hours and saw several humpbacks, some seals as well as some prey birds. The host of the tour was informative with the history of Victoria Island area and discussions on endangered wildlife native to the bay waters.
We returned back to the room just before sundown and spent the rest of the evening curled up on the bed talking about the last few days. Then we made love until the light of the morning started to seep through the drapes. We left the hotel early on the third day. It was a long drive up to Juneau and we wanted to make haste so that we could return back to Forks and our family.