"I think I broke my wookie…" – Ralph Wiggum

All's fair in love and sorcery; chapter thirteen: "talking in circles"

"You know, I think there's something about the desert air that's good for you hair," Sadira said.

"What are you prattling on about now?" Mozenrath sighed.

It was after sunset and coolness had settled over the desert. They were sitting around a fire outside of the tent. Mozenrath was busy brooding but Sadira was strangely talkative.

"I'm just trying to have a conversation with you," Sadira answered, "Jeez, you must be the most anti-social person in all of the Seven Deserts,"

"I wouldn't protest the idea," said Mozenrath.

"Neither would I," said Sadira, "I never heard of people living in the Land of Black Sand,"

"Used to be," Xerxes said.

"There was an unfortunate incident and they either all died or the smarter ones ran away," said Mozenrath.

"Wonder who caused that…" Sadira said, with not much wonder as she looked at Mozenrath.

"It wasn't me!" Mozenrath protested. He held up The Gauntlet, "It was this!"

Sadira looked at the magical weapon, "Yeah, I've been kind of wondering why you have that thing on your hand…it looks really heavy and out of place,"

"Out of place?" Mozenrath said.

"Well, personally, you look like the kind of guy who would wear something with sequins or sparkles or maybe a little design or brand name thing but it looks kind of ugly and old…"

A silence passed between the two. Sadira poked the fire in the meantime.

"Are…" Mozenrath began, "…are…are you calling me…gay?"

"I didn't say you were gay!" Sadira protested.

"You implied it!" Mozenrath said.

"I didn't imply anything!" Sadira said, "I just looked at your clothes and deduced that you have some fashion sense!"

"Sadira, there are only two kinds of men have fashion sense," Mozenrath said, "homosexuals and fashion designers and I am neither!"

"What is with men and taking a complement about how they look?" Sadira groaned, "Just because you look nice doesn't automatically mean you're gay!"

"Well, I'm not gay, if that's what you're thinking," Mozenrath answered.

"I don't think you're gay!" Sadira yelled, growing frustrated, "I just think you look good!"

Suddenly there was no talking for either of them and a silence that was hundred more awkward than before filled the space between Mozenrath and Sadira. Now Sadira was embarrassed for a change.

'Great, now we're both embarrassed,' Mozenrath thought. He looked at Sadira. She avoided eye contact. He realized something, 'What a minute…why am I embarrassed? She's the one that said it!'

'Because you've never been complemented before and you enjoy it,' said his pride. 'Because you have never been complemented before by a female and you enjoy it a lot,' said his brain. 'Because you're hotter than the sun and all the women can't resist your godlike sexiness!' screamed the endocrine system.

'Why are my nuts talking again?' Mozenrath thought.

"Watch out!" Sadira said. She sent a bolt of lightening towards Mozenrath's side. Mozenrath turned to see a – now well-done – scorpion lying nearby his side.

Mozenrath looked at her; "…I would have gotten it,"

"After it stung you? Probably not," Sadira said, "We don't have any medicine and there's no herbs or plants for miles, so if you got stung, there would have been a problem,"

"Insects don't bother me," Mozenrath answered.

"I'm sure, Mr. Invincible, but just in case of anything, I killed it," Sadira said. She yawned and stood up, "I'm going to bed, you can stay out here if you wanted but I'm exhausted," She crawled inside of the tent.

As soon as Sadira was gone, Mirage appeared on the other side of the fire.

"I was wondering when you would start to show up," Mozenrath grumbled.

"Well, you closed your mind to me, so I can't talk to you in your dreams anymore," Mirage said.

"I already have a pest in my dreams," Mozenrath said, "and two in the waking world, so what are you doing here now? Come to collect your El Katib?"

Mirage tapped her claw on the sand, "Well, if Fashir feels he can have his peons in this world, so can I," She smiled, "After all, it was you who helped improve them. Now I don't have to go looking about in Agrabah for brats when I have an entire race of loyal warriors at my side,"

"And Fashir has his cult," Mozenrath added, "that is chasing me,"

"Both of you," added Mirage.

Mozenrath narrowed his eyes at her, "You knew about this whole thing, didn't you? What's going on, Mirage? What's happening to the gods?"

"What makes you say that?" asked Mirage.

"First of all, Fashir and you are tormenting me more than usual," Mozenrath said, "second of all, the El Katib and the All-Seeing Eye cult are running around and fighting each other while the both of you seem fairly interested in both Sadira and me and I want to know why,"

"If you stick around with the girl, I may just tell you why," Mirage said, with a smile. She disappeared after this.

"Cat lady gone?" Xerxes said.

"Yes, Xerxes, the annoying cat is gone," Mozenrath thought. Because Xerxes was an animal (of some sort) he could see the supernatural. 'This whole situation gives me a headache…' Mozenrath thought. He decided to call it a night and go to sleep.

Inside of the tent, Sadira was already curled up and snoozing. Mozenrath couldn't help but stare at her.

'She had a past as miserable as I almost did,' Mozenrath thought, 'How can she be so happy and cheerful at times?'

'Because she lacks your habit of holding onto the past,' said his brain. 'Because she's not as intelligent as you,' said his pride. 'Because she finds you highly attractive and that makes her happy,' said his endocrine system.

Sadira stirred awake and looked at Mozenrath, "…huh? What is it?"

Mozenrath blinked, "…uh…nothing!"

Sadira smiled and looked at him, "You were looking at me while I was sleeping, weren't you?"

Mozenrath blushed, "No, I wasn't,"

"Yes, you were!" Sadira said. When Mozenrath didn't reply, she smiled even more, "Oh, why don't you admit it already?"

"Admit what?"

"You like me!"

Mozenrath flushed, "…what…what did you say?"

Sadira pointed at him, "See? You're even blushing about it! You do like me!"

"I do not!"

"Then why are you blushing? You act like you've never been around a girl before!"

Mozenrath folded his arms and looked away, "It's…it's not that…"

"Then what is it?" Sadira asked.

"Honestly…" Mozenrath murmured, "…you make me nervous…"

"Nervous?"

"Yes, you make me very nervous,"

"Why would I make you nervous? It's not like I'm plotting to kill you or something!" Mozenrath avoided eye contact with her and didn't respond. "Oh…I see. It's a guy thing, isn't it?"

"No, it's not," Mozenrath said. 'Yes, it is,' said his brain. 'Her puny brain wouldn't comprehend the way our mind works,' said his pride. 'She has the hots for you! Quick! Think of something to say that will guarantee sex!' said the endocrine system.

"Who knew men could be so…wimpy?" Sadira sighed.

"Wimpy? Who are you calling 'wimpy'?" demanded Mozenrath.

Sadira looked at him; "I've met school-girls that had more courage than you. The minute they saw a guy they would be all over him – not blushing and avoiding him. You are meek,"

"Meek?" Mozenrath yelled, rage growing in his voice.

Surely Sadira was going to provoke his rage but she figured – why not risk it this time around? She decided that this was the chance to see what he was really thinking and most guys (at least the ones Sadira had seen, met, and desired) by this time around would have at least dropped some sort of clue. Then again – those men were aggressive and Mozenrath wasn't.

"First, you call me 'gay' and now you're calling me 'meek'!" Mozenrath yelled, "What is this? Do you want me to injure you!"

"I just want to see how you feel, genius!" Sadira said.

"By insulting me?" Mozenrath said.

"Who says I'm insulting you? We probably wouldn't be having this conversation if you would be a little bit more aggressive and stop sending me mixed signals!"

The blood rush was getting worse now. Mozenrath wondered if all the blood in his body had rushed to his face. "How am I sending you mixed signals! I think my words and actions speak loud enough to the fact that I don't like you! I despise you! You make my life a living hell!"

Sadira paused and folded her arms.

"Kiss me," Sadira said.

Mozenrath paused, "…w-what?"

"I said kiss me," Sadira said, "if you're not too much of a coward, you can at least kiss me,"

"No!" Mozenrath said.

"Why not? If you're not a coward, you'll kiss me, and if you really despise me like you said, you won't," said Sadira.

'Why is it life always insists on screwing me sideways with a sharp pole?' Mozenrath thought, 'I don't want to kiss her! I don't even find her attractive! Well, she is a little bit attractive...but not to the point where I actually would kiss or touch her! Shit, she's staring at me and I can't say anything in reply…damn, where's a witty response when you actually need it?'

'You should probably just kiss her and get it over with,' said his brain. 'Don't lower yourself to kiss her just because she says so,' said his pride. 'When does the se part happen?' asked the endocrine system.

Pride was triumphant this time; "I won't kiss you just because you say so! What do you think I am? Your puppet?"

Sadira put her hands on her hips, "No," She rolled over and snuggled down into her bedding. "You're so predictable. I knew you wouldn't do it. Good night, Mozenrath,"

It was dark in the tent and very quiet.

'So he doesn't like me,' Sadira thought, 'Oh well. It was fun teasing him though. He's probably going to hate me for the rest of his life,'

Mozenrath had won the fight…or had he? It felt like a hollow victory to him.

'Of course it's hollow, idiot,' said his brain, 'You should have listened to me in the first place, but no – you always listen to that stupid pride of yours! A hundred and twenty-four years old and still falling for simply tricks! She's proved that you are a wuss and she's going to think that about you no matter what you may do or say and believe me – she's going to bring this whole thing up again if you start fighting. It's a weak point, buddy, and you made your own Achilles' heel,'

'Um…' said his pride, '..yeah, the brain is right. You shouldn't have listened to me. Sorry,'

And that was the last straw.

Mozenrath had a lot of patience, a lot of tolerance, and a lot of pent-up rage but this was it. He was fed up with his talking body. He was fed up with Sadira. He was fed up with the meddling Inner Teenager, Mirage, Fashir, and anything else. He was tired of it and he wasn't going to take it anymore.

He grabbed Sadira by the arms.

"You want a kiss, I'll give you a kiss!" Mozenrath said.

And before Sadira could protest or even say anything, Mozenrath planted his lips on her own. There was another moment of silence and Sadira saw something flashing outside through the thin tent walls. She separated from Mozenrath and looked towards the light.

"My gods…" Sadira breathed, "…are those fireworks?"

Mozenrath looked towards the light as well, "I…I think they are!" His heart was pounding, but he found that he wasn't blushing anymore.

"They say fireworks means love," Sadira said.

"I think it's actually a sexual connotation,"said Mozenrath. He looked again to see the dazzling and pretty lights were coming closer, "On second thought, Sadira…I think that's a magical attack coming straight for us,"

Sadira looked, "Oh sh–"

At this point, a gigantic ball of colorful fire smashed into them.

Coughing, choking, and hacking, the two of them surfaced from underneath the wreckage of what used to be their tent. Their were no serious injuries – aside from a few cuts and scrapes and Xerxes babbling incoherently for a while due to a large welt on his cranium.

"That was close," Sadira said, spitting out sand. She looked at Mozenrath, "Thanks gods you put up that barrier or we'd be extra crispy by now,"

"It's a reflex," answered Mozenrath, shaking the dirt from his air and coughed out some of the smoke from his lungs.

"You know…you saved my life," Sadira said, with a smile.

"Yes…" Mozenrath said, "…but I'm wondering what rammed into us," He looked at the remains of the tent. It was completely obliterated and burnt away but the knapsack with provisions and the carpet were still in place.

"An attack from the cult?" Sadira asked.

Mozenrath looked around, "No, I don't see any of them nearby. If it were an attack, they would be here. It was a warning,"

"Well, we better get going," Sadira said. She pointed ahead, "I think I see my castle!"

'Note to self: ask to take a bath,' Mozenrath thought and the two of them headed towards the castle in the distance on the flying carpet.

Can't speak. Reading "American Gods" because Neil Gaiman pwns my soul. – Zerosoul