And The Winner Is...
by TheBucketWoman
Disclaimer: I don't own Life with Derek and I really don't own Little Shop of Horrors or A Midsummer Night's Dream, Tickle Me, Elmo, or Barbie.
A/N: Apologies for being all spoilery with the ending of Little Shop of Horrors for those who haven't seen it, or those who've seen the movie and not the stage version.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Part One: Derek.
Casey was in the midst of her opening night freakout. She paced her room muttering to herself, while Derek lounged on her bed, looking like he didn't have a care in the world. She'd be okay; she always was. The last couple of times this had happened, he'd been in the midst of his own freakout so he really couldn't remember what had calmed her down, but something had. Lizzie had come up to Casey's room at one point with one of those soy shakes that Derek couldn't even look at. Without a word, she had put the thing on a coaster (Casey had coasters in her room...nuff said about that) and walked out.
Casey looked at the shake and then toward Lizzie's room.
"Are you trying to say I'm predictable?" Casey said. Derek laughed.
"Quit it, Derek," she said. "It's not funny!"
"It's so funny," Derek said.
"Did I laugh at you before your whole Pirate Pete thing?"
"As a matter of fact, you did," Derek said, remembering. "A lot."
That was what had calmed her the last time.
"Oh," Casey said. "Sorry about that."
"Why?" Derek said, a smile spreading slowly across his face. "Just because you get off on the idea of me humiliating myself in public?"
"De-rek!"
"Just because you couldn't wait to see me fall on my face," Derek said. "After I begged for your help and everything."
"Derek," Casey said, guiltily.
"Never mind the fact that I was really asking for it," Derek continued. He moved forward to tickle her. He grabbed her around the waist, even as she tried to block him.
"Speaking... of... asking for it," Casey said, between giggles.
"And the fact that I stole the show right out from under you, even though I never could carry a tune in a bucket," Derek said, going for the spot right under her arm.
"Stop. Tickling. Me," Casey said.
"Or?" Derek asked, then found himself flying through the air and landing on her bed again.
"And for the record," Casey said, climbing on top of him and pinning his arms down, (not really pinning, but, as Edwin taught him, it didn't make sense to put up a fight,) "You 'stole the show' with my choreography, so don't go acting like you're all that, with your little whiter than white rap routine and your guyliner."
"Don't forget the swordfight," Derek said.
"Okay, the swordfight was cool," Casey admitted.
"Damn right," Derek said.
There was an ahem from the doorway.
"George!" Casey said, hopping off of Derek.
"Dad!" Derek said, imitating Casey.
George gave them the eyebrow. "Shouldn't you guys start heading out?" he asked.
Casey looked at the clock. "Oh my God!" she said. "Oh my God; Oh my God; Oh my God!"
Derek laughed.
"Where's my makeup?" she asked.
Derek picked up her weirdly heavy makeup case and handed it to her. The thing was only a little smaller than a boombox he used to have. Before she could ask about the costume, he picked that up, too.
"How 'bout I just bring these out to the car, and you grab the wig?" Derek asked, taking the makeup case back.
"Oh, um...kay," Casey said. "Thanks. Now where did I put that wig?"
Derek walked down the stairs all the while picturing Casey panicking about the damn wig, probably unable to find it even though it was in front of her nose. If she still didn't have it by the time he got back from the car, he decided he'd go get it.
He'd find the whole thing way funnier if he hadn't been just as neurotic as she was.
He passed her on the way back for his camera equipment. She had the wig on the creepy styrofoam head thingy that she had. Edwin had painted a pretty realistic face onto the thing and it reminded him of those disembodied Barbie heads that even terrified Marti.
Nora came out to the car before they pulled away. She was carrying a small insulated bag. When she got to the driver's side window she said:
"Sandwiches. And soy shake. You guys need to eat a little something, okay?"
Casey groaned, but Derek knew she would manage a sandwich. She was a hyperventilator; he was the puker. He could probably put away two sandwiches before anyone noticed. This wasn't his thing, technically, so his stomach was as calm and, he realized, empty as could be. Nora did the thing where she kissed her palm and then tapped both of them. Both Nora and Derek ignored Casey's muttering about how this was the stupidest thing she'd ever done, and how she'd never get the accent right and how everyone was better than she was.
"Oh my God," Casey said as they pulled into the parking lot. "My shoes!"
"On the floor in the back," Derek said. He'd put them there himself. She wiggled as much as the seatbelt would let her and saw them in the footwell behind Derek's seat.
"Oh," Casey breathed. "Okay...Derek?"
"Yeah?"
"How are you so calm?"
"Dunno," Derek said. "'Cause I'm cool like that."
"Yeah," Casey said, rolling her eyes. "That's you."
"Mhm," Derek said. "Chillz."
He grabbed his camera bag and tripod and watched her try to juggle all of her stuff.
"Um, Case?" he said. "Why don't you give me some of that and we can take two trips?"
"Naw," Casey said. "I can do it."
"If you say so," he said. He slung the camera bag over his shoulder and started to follow her to the entrance. She made it most of the way before the wig flew off of the foam head. He caught it with his free hand.
As he followed her in, she repeated "I can do it" over and over again like a mantra. He let her. No amount of telling her that she'd be fine would work, so he didn't waste the time.
Plus he was a little distracted by the sight of the folding chairs set up in perfect rows and the little concession stand/ ticket table in the corner. Suddenly it became real and he no longer wanted any part of those sandwiches in the bag. He took a deep breath and tried to remember what the last thing he ate was.
The place seemed more or less deserted as he followed her to the little backstage area and found several people in a state of undress.
"Whoops," Derek said. He blindly tossed Casey's wig at a table and backed away, one hand over his eyes. It wasn't so much the half-naked guys—as a hockey player, he spent enough time in a locker room to have seen just about everything and could probably hold a conversation with a naked guy, no problem. But there were several beautiful women in their underwear and there was nowhere to rest his eyes without getting into trouble with Casey. Any other day, he would've stolen a peek anyway, but he was starting to feel more and more stressed and the thought never entered his mind.
He decided to go sit down someplace so that he could get his stomach to settle. After a couple of minutes, Sheldon and Emily appeared. Emily rushed past in a state similar to what Casey's had been and Sheldon took a seat next to Derek.
"Are you freaking?" Sheldon asked in amazement.
"Nope!" Derek said, just a little too fast. Sheldon laughed.
"Shut up!" Derek said.
Sheldon laughed harder.
"Don'tcha have to go change with the rest of the drama peoples?" Derek asked.
"Nope," Sheldon said. Derek turned to look at him. He had on a t-shirt and a pair of black jeans, black boots.
"Where the hell did you get the Fonzie jeans?" Derek asked. Their dress rehearsal had been a partial one, because a couple of people's costumes had been unfinished, so Derek was seeing some of it for the first time.
"These are regular jeans, but my sister took in the cuffs to make em...Fonzie-ish," Sheldon said. "And yes, I feel like an asshole in them, but I drew the line at this big honkin beltbuckle that Emily tried to get me to wear. I count that as a minor victory."
"What's in the bag?" Derek asked, gesturing to a small garment bag Sheldon was holding in one hand.
Sheldon unzipped it to reveal a black, beat-up leather jacket.
"My Dad's, believe it or not," Sheldon said. "Just got it out of storage last night."
"I cannot picture your Dad in that," Derek said.
"Me neither," Sheldon said. "But there are pictures. Just let the man make fun of my clothes. Oh and there's this, too." He unzipped the jacket to reveal a white dentist's smock.
"So I'm all set," Sheldon said. "Though I know that there's gonna be makeup in my future. I wanna avoid that as long as I can."
"Good call," Derek said. "What are you smiling at?"
"You're all nervous for Casey," Sheldon sing-songed. "That is so cute!"
"Well," Derek said. "I'm glad you think so, considering you're gonna be the one who has to prance around on stage and stuff in...half an hour? Good thing you're so calm."
"Prance?" Sheldon said. "Trip, maybe, but not prance. And Emily's freaking out enough for the both of us."
"Then there's the dancing," Derek reminded him.
"We all know I can't dance for shit," Sheldon said. "No surprises there, so stop trying to psych me out, Ass."
"So I guess you'll be okay as long as you don't fall off the stage," Derek said.
"Again?" Sheldon said.
Just then, Emily appeared on the stage. She clickety-clacked her way to the front.
"Sheldon!" she said.
"Yes, Ma'am?" Sheldon said.
"Don't be a wiseass," Emily said. "Come on backstage, so I can put this goo on you."
"Oooh—" Sheldon began.
"Don't you dare say 'kinky'!" Emily said.
"I wasn't going to," Sheldon said.
Bullshit, Derek thought. Sheldon got up meekly and walked up to the stage so that Emily could drag him into the back.
Part Two: Casey.
There were several fans set up in the changing area, though, luckily it wasn't too hot that day. Emily and Chris busied themselves by running around and helping people with their makeup. Casey would have helped, but her hands were shaking too much and she didn't trust herself with pencils or little makeup brushes.
She did hair instead. She lined up hair products and brushes on one table.
"Now all you need is a tool belt," Emily joked.
"You should talk," Casey said.
She sat Chris down and took a few swipes at his hair. She parted it down the middle and gelled it flat. Easiest thing in the world. She grabbed Brianna next, tying a scarf around her ponytail and fluffing her bangs a little before sending her on her way. Melissa got similar treatment.
Sheldon proved to be more difficult. Not that he wasn't obedient. He knew better than to piss off a woman with a roundbrush in her hand. It was his hair that was the problem. For the past month or so, Emily had talked him out of getting a haircut that he'd so desperately needed since the beginning of the summer. Now that Casey had her hands in it, she knew why he usually kept it so short. She was a little afraid that it would eat her.
"I will get this into a d.a. if it kills me," Casey said.
"A what?" Sheldon asked.
"A d.a." Casey said. "Duck's ass. Popular among greasy dentists everywhere."
"Good to know," Sheldon said. When she was done, he looked at himself in the full length mirror and snorted laughter.
"My sister's gonna love this," he said, gingerly touching his crunchy hair. "I'll never hear the end of it."
"Isn't your brother coming?" Casey asked.
"Yeah," Sheldon said. "But he'll figure I've suffered enough and leave me alone."
Casey's own hair was braided as tight as Emily could get it, which, Casey kept thinking, wasn't tight enough, but Emily's repeated threats about what would happen if Casey redid her braids kept Casey from touching them. Emily did not trust Casey to do her hair, however. She'd heard too many horror stories from Lizzie and Marti. She wanted to be able to blink. Both were waiting till the last possible second to put their wigs on.
Mr. Castellucio. for his Mushnik costume, needed little help. Emily sat him down to give him a faux combover, some dark circles under his eyes, and that was about it.
They ventured out to warm up before the doors opened and let Derek laugh at them all. Casey noticed that he looked a little bit pale, but he waved her off when she asked him about it. She grabbed one of the sandwiches from him and ate it quickly before going backstage again.
Part Three: Dennis.
Dennis showed up at the house shortly after Lizzie gave him the "all clear" text. He came bearing gifts for all the kids, of course, ranging from a couple of paperbacks for Edwin and Lizzie to the flowers and a bracelet for the girl of the hour.
He was shown the news footage with Casey and Derek no less than three times and was given a copy to take home with him. He was surprised to realize that he couldn't wait to show it to people. While they killed time, Dennis amused himself by trying to tuck one of the daisies into Lizzie's hair. It just looked like it belonged there, but it kept sliding out until Marti pulled a barrette out of a drawer and helped Lizzie clip it in. He also tucked a couple into Marti's braids, all the while thinking of A Midsummer Night's Dream. He also got in some "Psych Edwin Out" time, in which he raised one eyebrow and asked Edwin pointed questions about whether he had a job and a bank account yet and what Edwin's intentions toward his daughter were.
"I make a pretty decent income through usury and blackmail actually," Edwin told him. Dennis felt his "stern" face slipping and had had to bite the insides of his cheeks to keep from laughing. Under no circumstances did he think that Edwin was good enough for his daughter (but only because nobody would ever be), but he had to admit that he was a boy after his own heart.
George snorted.
"Edwin!" Nora said, clearly trying not to laugh herself. She was pinching her arm. That's what she used to do when she tried to pretend that she was mad at Dennis himself.
"Did you want me to lie?" Edwin asked Nora, mock puzzled.
"Ignore him, Dad," Lizzie said. "We do."
"What's usury mean?" Marti asked.
"Look it up," Edwin sing-songed. This must happen all the time, Dennis figured, because Marti gave Edwin a dirty look and went to the bookshelf, pulling out a dictionary almost as big as she was to look the word up. Lizzie helped. Dennis watched with interest as Lizzie put the definition into plain English for the eight year old.
"It's what Edwin always does to Derek when he lends him money," Lizzie said.
"Oh," Marti said. "Why didn't you just say so?"
Dennis decided to give George and Nora a break, so he took the kids in his convertible, making Marti sit between the other two in the backseat. Both Edwin and Lizzie rolled their eyes.
They got there early enough to get parking before the lot filled up and were among the first in the doors when they opened. Derek met them at the door, grabbing Marti and swinging her around a little the first chance he got.
"Sme-rek!" she said.
He put her down. "Hmmph," he said.
"Wrinkling my dress," she muttered, giving him a friendly shove to show that she wasn't too upset.
"Women," he said. He put a hand on top of Lizzie's head, like he just needed someplace to rest it, but, Dennis noted, the kid was careful not to disturb the flower. Lizzie slapped it away.
"Hey!" Derek said, noticing Dennis standing there. He reached to shake Dennis's hand but was pulled into what Casey called a man-hug instead. Derek looked surprised by this, but Dennis thought, he should just consider himself lucky that he remained unnoogied. Edwin was not so lucky.
"How is she?" Dennis asked.
"Last I looked, she was pacing and fanning herself, and generally driving everyone nuts," Derek said.
"Right on schedule," Dennis said. He looked around and noticed that the place, while hardly packed, was slowly starting to fill. "I should grab a seat near the back before they're gone."
"One step ahead of you," Derek said. He pointed to his left to a seat in the corner, the only one in the back with a "reserved" marker on it.
"Perfect," Dennis said. "And it looks like I can keep an eye on you from there, too. Now we can put Lizzie with me and Edwin...I dunno...in Alaska—"
"Dad!" Lizzie said. Dennis looked at her innocently, shrugging.
"Then, after the show, we can make preparations to drop the girls off at the convent," Dennis said.
"And me and Ed at the vet to be fixed, right?" Derek asked.
"You've had this conversation before?" Dennis asked, grinning.
"Once or twice," Derek said. "Give or take five times."
The kid was quick; he had to give him that. Dennis had to admit that he was not this quick witted at that age.
"Well as long as you don't forget it, Creepy Boy," Dennis said.
"Yes, Sir," Derek said, mouth twitching.
"Do you know what I do to boys who facetiously call me 'Sir'?" Dennis asked.
"Facetiously?" Derek asked, dodging.
"Do not insult my intelligence, boy," Dennis said. "I know you've heard that word in connection with yourself before. Along with 'smarmy'. You think you're a bullshit artist, but you are an amateur."
"More like an apprentice," Derek said. "And I learn from some of the best."
Dennis cracked up at that. He just couldn't keep a straight face anymore.
"I don't know you," Lizzie said, pointing at Derek. "And I don't know you," she continued, pointing at Dennis. "Come on, Ed, let's find a seat, someplace dark."
"Huh?" Edwin said.
"Oh come on, boy," Dennis said. "You haven't learned the two words every boyfriend needs to know to survive, yet?"
"What, you mean 'yes, dear?'" Edwin asked. "Please. I wrote the book on it. Ow!"
Lizzie whacked him and dragged him away.
Derek introduced Dennis to Jack Kiernan, the director of the play, then busied himself with some camera stuff.
"You have two excellent daughters," Jack said.
"Yeah," Dennis said. "Thanks. They get that from their mother's side, as much as I wish I could take credit. How do you know Liz?"
"She and Edwin were kind enough to help build our set," Jack said. "And Derek has been pretty invaluable, himself."
"Between you and me, I kinda like the two of em, Derek and Edwin," Dennis said. "I guess I won't have to kill em and stuff them in the trunk of my car after all."
Jack laughed. "Spoken like a true father of daughters. You sound unsettlingly like my father-in-law, if I'm being honest."
"I've been given the manual," Dennis said. They spent a little time shooting the shit about their respective jobs and about the Blue Jays. They were joined by George for some of this, until Jack excused himself to mingle with some of the other parents.
After a few minutes, Dennis, George and Nora sat down in a mini cluster. Lizzie and Edwin sat a few rows in front of them, and Marti sat with a group of people that Nora described as the Davises, her neighbors. They had a kid Marti's age. It was only a matter of time before George would have to worry about her. Dennis thanked God that she would be George's problem. Dennis himself was exhausted already.
Dennis leaned over to whisper:
"Usury and blackmail?"
George laughed. Nora shrugged.
"Blame him," Nora said, nudging George.
Part Four: Emily.
Emily couldn't resist peeking out from the curtain and picking out the relatives of everyone she knew. She saw the Schleppers; they were hard to miss, as were her own family and Marti. She saw someone who had to be Chris's Mom and found Sam and Ralph sitting not far from the front. She found Casey's Dad, but had sense enough not to tell her about it.
"What are you doing?" Sheldon said from behind her. He tried to sound suspicious, but he didn't really pull it off.
"Who me?" Emily said.
"Bad Em," Sheldon said. "Dare I say naughty. That is so hot...meanwhile, who'd you see?" He changed subjects on a dime. It took a second for Emily to follow what he said.
"Who didn't I see?" she said. "It's filling up!"
"Really?" Sheldon said, peeking. "Wow. I think someone might've spilled the beans about your little sequined dress. Word got around."
He got a kiss for that. There was a reason she left her lipstick off till the last second.
"Places!" Jack called.
Emily quickly swiped on her lipstick, stuffing it back into her capri pants and running like hell to the back of the theater as soon as the lights went down.
She heard Dave Epstein's reverb-enhanced voice over the loudspeaker.
Shit, Emily thought. She linked hands with Brianna and Melissa. Brianna winked, and the piano kicked in.
The three of them skipped down the center aisle as they sang the first song, turning and walking backward to face the audience halfway down.
Brianna managed to grab Sam's hand real quick on her way down the aisle, and Emily had just enough time to pinch Dimi's cheek lightly before she met the others onstage. They nailed the harmonies and the dance steps, but Emily recoiled a little at the applause. It was louder than she expected it to be.
Part Five: Derek.
One down, Derek thought, taking a breath. I dunno how freakin' many to go. He was positive that the tripod was one of the best inventions ever because there was no way in hell the camera'd be steady otherwise.
Chris popped up with Mr. C., said their lines, did a few pratfalls, Derek didn't know for sure because all too soon, Casey made her entrance and that was really all he saw for a minute or ten. He wisely kept the shot wide even though he wanted to go close up on Casey and stay there. Were there other people in this show? He thought. Meh. Even in that dopey Barbie wig, Casey made him hold his breath.
She'd finally dialed that accent down a little, he was relieved to notice. She'd come so ridiculously far since they'd started, so that even if he hadn't been utterly whipped, he wouldn't have been able to take his eyes off of her. It occurred to him that nobody could take their eyes off of her.
Until Sheldon popped up, that is.
Derek heard a mini-squee from the audience—it had to be the kid's mother. Derek hoped that the little noise would be picked up by the camera's microphone, because it was just too perfect. Sheldon had his solo, letching his way across the stage, clearly eating up numerous catcalls.
Soon, that "Somewhere That's Green" song came up and Derek heard the first sob from the audience. He didn't have to look to know that it was Nora. He smiled. He'd tease her about it later.
One thing that he really couldn't believe was how seriously the cast had taken most of his suggestions. He hadn't expected any of them to listen to him at all. What did he know after all? He had zero directing experience outside of bossing his little brother around. These were people who'd mostly had a good bit of theatrical experience, so there was no reason for them to do much more than humor a little pissant such as himself. But they took his advice.
There was one near-disaster. During the scene where Sheldon was supposed to beat Casey up, she tripped and fell into him. For a split second, Derek thought, Sheldon, being Sheldon, would have gone over onto his ass from the domino effect, but he caught her. Not only did he catch her, but he ad libbed:
"And now the dumb broad can't even walk straight!"
"I'm sorry, Doctuh," Casey said.
"What am I gonna do witchoo?" Sheldon said. "Almost knocks me over!" He pretended to smack her one extra time.
A minor miracle.
Part Six: Casey.
Sheldon dragged Casey off stage, aiming slap after fake slap on her face, her head and whatever else was available. Once they were safely off stage and out of sight, she hugged him.
"Oh my God," she whispered.
He laughed. "Dude," he whispered. "Thought I was gonna die!"
"I can't believe you caught me," she whispered.
"Me neither!"
"You are such a rockstar," she whispered.
"Yes, I am," he whispered back. "Now if you don't mind, I really do have to go die."
Casey straightened her wig and her dress, and she and Em watched Chris and Sheldon do the next scene. Emily was transfixed, the way she usually was with him.
Sheldon got huge laughs from the audience as he picked up the gas mask and put it over his head, pretending to turn it on and taking a huge breath, laughing hysterically.
Little did people know that that was his regular laugh. Few people, outside of his family and Emily, of course, knew that Sheldon really did turn into a tickle me Elmo once he really got going. It was a lot of fun to watch.
Then he "died" to huge applause and the curtain came down for intermission.
Casey had just enough time for a bathroom break before she had to be in place for her next number, "Closed for Renovation."
Right after that was "Suddenly Seymour." She was terrified of "Suddenly Seymour."
Chris was perfect; he always was. He hadn't needed much direction. But Casey herself had been another story. Derek had been telling her for weeks to find her "inner Mary J. Blige" to deal with the song. And really, Derek of all people should have known that Casey did not have an ounce of Mary J. Blige in her. Casey thought that she was so hopeless that if a drop of Mary J. should enter her blood stream, her body would reject it. She prayed that she wouldn't disappoint him. He seemed to have so much faith in her.
That said, she didn't think she'd done too badly. She even managed to kiss Chris on the mouth without giggling, even though she'd been terrified of that all week.
"You're the queen," Chris whispered in her ear after the kiss.
The applause at the end of the song ran for more than a minute. She'd actually been able to count to sixty while it was going on. Chris blushed, turning almost purple, and Casey felt her own face get hot. Even though she was sure that most of it was for him, the applause felt pretty good.
In between her scenes, she got to watch Dave provide the voice of the Audrey Two puppet. A couple of times, he caught her watching and did a little dance for her. They'd even managed to dance together, briefly.
Her death scene came, and both she and Chris cried for real, mostly out of relief, she thought. The finale didn't come soon enough for her. She knew that she'd be happy once she got this first performance out of the way. It was always smooth sailing for her after opening night.
As Emily began the last song. Across from Casey, Chris fanned himself exaggeratedly, mopping at his forehead and leaning on Sheldon, who shoved him off. The group of them tangled themselves in the vines of the Audrey Two puppet in time for the spotlight to hit them. Casey, Chris, Sheldon, and Mr. C. each had one more solo and then the curtain finally came down.
And to Casey, it sounded like the end of the world. There was screaming, clapping, stomping and general pandemonium from the audience. She untangled herself from the puppet and ran for the wings.
She tried not to cry during her curtain call, but then, there was the ultimate dirty trick: her Dad appeared at the foot of the stage with flowers. There was no keeping it together after that.
After everybody's curtain call, it took a while for the applause to die down; then there was an encore of "Suddenly, Seymour." The curtain came down again.