I finally let go of the notion that I didn't deserve happiness and that something or someone was eventually going to come and take it all away. Almost three years had passed since we spent that first evening lying in front of the fire. As Bella and I had suspected during those dark, wintry hours, we have been very happy. It is amazing how whole I felt, having let the fear go.
Bella and I attended college in Plattsburgh and were now full-time students on campus almost daily, along with our siblings. She was on track to receive her Bachelors in English next year and I was finishing my degree in Biochemistry with a minor in Anthropology. I had found the courses on human evolutionary theories very interesting and had done my own research to see if there was any scientific evidence of our kind along the evolutionary path. I hadn't come up with anything, but felt certain that if I dug deep enough into the research annals I would.
Over the course of the years Bella had further strengthened her relationships with all of our family members, especially Rose. She had taken up painting with Esme, though Bella's creations were quite different from hers, much more abstract, but beautiful all the same. Her and Jasper were constantly bickering over literature and the pros and cons of each time period. Jasper was a classics man - Greek mythology was his favorite. Bella of course tended towards the love stories of Shakespeare and Jane Austen. Therein lies the problem. They knew they would never see eye to eye, but they have yet to stop trying to convert one another.
Bella tried on several occasions to accompany Rose in the garage but mechanical aptitude did not come easily to her. Math had always been one of her weaker subjects. But to Bella's credit, she and Rose found a way to connect - Bella would read to her while she worked on our vehicles. Rosalie was generally appalled at any of the weak female characters in Bella's books, but the conversations that they had as a result of the stories were very meaningful. That is one thing I never let myself even hope for, Bella and Rosalie become close. But, it seemed, that all my dreams and more had come true with Bella by my side.
And, to my dismay, Emmett and my wife had taken up weekly wrestling matches in the man-den. They would watch ultimate fighting and then attempt the contorted configurations on each other. As a result, Bella rarely let me win our bouts unless I stooped so low as to dazzler her. Then I always triumphed. I felt my insides glow at the idea that I could still affect her that way, even if at times I used it unethically.
The new home proved to be everything we anticipated and hoped it would be, a haven for the family, a prime location for hunting, access to a few large cities when we needed to get out, and above all, the place we wanted to be the most.
Bella had had a few opportunities to hone her gift. Most instances were by chance, us being in the woods and coming across an injured animal. She had on several occasions healed animals after she fed from them, now having gained the control to stop feeding before their heart did. But generally she didn't utilize her power, no longer being a newborn, it drained her very much and afterwards she would need to hunt and rest for a day.
It was autumn now, which had grown to be Bella and my favorite time of year. The air was crisp and cool, with a slightly overcast sky, and the leaves were nearing their peak performance. I was sitting on the deck looking at the lake, absorbed in thought when I heard Jasper come downstairs with the intent of coming outside to ask me if I would like to join him fly fishing. He had become rather skilled and we both enjoyed the peacefulness of it. Our wives and Rosalie had taken a trip to Toronto for the weekend to go shopping. I rose from my chair and eyed Jasper through the glass door, giving him a small nod in acceptance to his offer. I made my way around the side of the house to the garage where we stored all of the equipment and he was already there gathering the necessaries.
"Where do you want to go today?" I inquired to my brother.
"How about we try that small river that comes off of Miner Lake, the one we went to last week?" He suggested while casually shrugging his shoulders, then bending down to pick up the tackle box containing all of his carefully crafted flies.
"Sounds good to me." I replied. At this point I was up for anything to make the time pass until my wife came home this evening. I missed her terribly. Over the course of our marriage we had only been apart a few times, all for family related outings. We agreed that they were important, to spend time with our siblings, but the separation made both of us ache terribly inside. By the end of the trip, the longing for one another was tangible.
Jasper and I loaded the equipment into Emmett's Jeep and headed toward the river. Upon arrival we commenced our unspoken routine, putting on our waders, more for show than to keep us warm and dry, and found spots on the edge of the water to begin our dance with the fish. We continued on in this fashion for several hours, taking in the beauty that surrounded us. Jasper was considerately blocking me from is thoughts so that I could get lost in mine. It was not until we were packing up to head for home that our silence was broken.
"Does Bella still speak with her parents?" He asked while placing our tackle boxes in the truck.
"Not too often any more. Charlie and her have taken to corresponding in letters. Alice made several attempts to show him how to use the Internet, but he couldn't get the hang of it. They write probably once a month. Come to think of it, she hasn't heard from him in a while." I answered. The arrangement seemed to be working out well for both of them, so I didn't question it.
"What about her mom?" Jasper inquired as we climbed into the Jeep.
"Her mom's another story. She has made several attempts to visit and Bella has always come up with a reason to stop her. She knows her mom is upset that she hasn't seen her since our wedding. They have been emailing less and less lately."
"Wouldn't it just be easier, instead of all of the convoluted stories, to fake her death?" Jasper asked with sincere curiosity. His thoughts corresponded with his words, unlike other family members, who tended to be judgmental of Bella's choice.
"To be honest, probably, but I promised her before we got married and I changed her that I would leave that decision up to her. None of us came into this life the way that she did, by choice, and therefore I don't think we have a say in how she should handle the final separation from her parents. She had made no indication to me that she is ready to make that decision. I know she will tell me when she is. But, I do worry that the longer she waits, the harder it will be." I said, the concern evident as my voiced trailed off.
"Do you know what she is waiting for?" Again, his sincerity poured out in his thoughts. He truly did want to understand what Bella was going through. They had become so close since he no longer had to fight his natural urges around her.
"Honestly I don't. She has never said that is was anything in particular that was holding her back and I don't push the issue." I answered while we pulled into the driveway.
As the house came into sight we saw that the girls were unloading their purchases from the back of the X5. Jasper and I looked over to exchange goofy grins. Jasper's mind relayed his excitement to see his wife, how dearly he had missed her. I took comfort in my family's loving thoughts, that after all of their years together, the love that they held for each other hadn't faded one ounce.
My long-stilled heart began to soar as Bella came into view at the entrance to the house.
Her head was down - she hadn't noticed us pulling up the drive. My gaze was locked on her. As always, she was indescribably beautiful. Rosalie and Alice had her dressed in an outfit much more fitted than she normally wore, black pants and a cropped black cardigan with a bright blue tank top underneath, and high-heeled black boots. It looked like they had done her hair as well – it was in loose waves that bounced around her delicate shoulders.
Her vision lifted to the Jeep and a glorious smile spread across her face. I felt my entire stone hard body warm at the sight of it. Before she could even blink, I was out of the Jeep and by her side, bringing her into a tight embrace, breathing her heady scent in deeply, allowing the ache to subside, as I let out a sigh of contentment.
"I feel better too." She murmured into my chest. I released a hearty chuckle at how in tune we were to one another.
"Did you have a good time shopping?" I asked as I pulled her away just enough so I could look into her warm, amber eyes.
"Yes we did. As always, Alice and Rosalie have more shopping stamina than I am prepared for, but we did have a good time. I purchased a few of new outfits and I got some things for you as well." She smiled.
"For me? How nice of you. But I am more interested in what you bought. Will you be showing me later?" I requested with a gleam in my eye.
"I think that could be arranged." She replied, the same glint of desire in hers.
We all headed inside the house, Jasper and Emmett had their wives happily at their sides. Carlisle and Esme were inside sitting on one of the couches by the fireplace. Both put down their books as the six of us interrupted their serenity.
"The power shoppers are home," Carlisle exclaimed, holding up his hand in delight, "and how are the bounties of your hunt?" He asked playfully. Esme smiled at the sight of her children, happy to have them all home.
"The retailers of Toronto still don't know what hit them!" Alice replied while carrying no less than ten bags. Everyone was laughing as Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett held up the same amount in their hands.
Alice and Rosalie began their recount of the trip, easily sighting every store that they went into as well as their pros and cons. Bella was standing patiently next to me, my hand draped over the shoulder, letting her sisters have their fun, but at the same time tightening her hold around my torso. After twenty minutes I could no longer take it, I had to get her alone. I kissed the top of her head and took in a deep breath of her strawberry shampoo. Her head tilted back so she could look at my face; both of us letting a mischievous grin spread across our lips.
"Alice and Rosalie, thank you for a great weekend. I really had fun. I have to excuse myself though, I have some things to prepare for my classes tomorrow." She said with an innocent smile.
"Okay Bella, but be sure to show Edward those outfits." Alice replied looking at me with a big grin. Bella nodded and turned to head upstairs, her loot in tow. I stood with my family for another few moments, not sure how long I had to wait until I could retreat upstairs.
Well don't just stand there stupid! Go be with your wife, she missed you terribly this weekend. Alice said chastising me. I gave her a small nod and smile in return and turned on my heel to head upstairs.
"Oh Edward, before you go, there is a letter for Bella on the kitchen counter." Esme said.
"Thanks Esme." I replied as I walked into the kitchen to retrieve the envelope and head upstairs to my love.
I entered our bedroom, which Bella and Esme had decorated within a week of us moving into the house. Bella found the mahogany king-sized sleigh bed that she had wanted and it was situated across the room from the fireplace. On the wall that held the door there was a mahogany desk that we shared, covered in our college textbooks. I no longer had rows and rows of CD's, they had all been downloaded onto a central hard drive that was wired to the whole-house audio and video system. Next to the fireplace they had placed a two-person chaise lounge that was covered in a dark sage green fabric. The walls were also a shade of green, though paler, and the bedding she chose was a deep, wine color with black and crème accents. The room was very warm and inviting. It was our room.
She had placed her purchases on the bed and was in the bathroom.
"Are you going to put on a show for me?" I asked playfully as I went over to sit on the chaise.
"Maybe. What do you want to see?" She replied from behind the bathroom door, with the same playful tone.
"Well, I am actually not as interested in you putting the clothing on as I am in me taking them off of you." I answered casually.
"Well, Mr. Cullen, aren't you being presumptuous." She said, faked abashment in her voice. I let out a hearty chuckle at our easy banter, my eyes fixed out the sliding glass door. The bathroom door swung open and drew my attention away from the treetops. Bella was standing in a black cocktail dress that hugged every glorious curve accentuating everything that made her a woman.
Once I found my voice I said, with one eyebrow raised, "How do you expect me to not be presumptuous when you are wearing that?" I felt the lust roll off of me in waves. She slowly sauntered over to me with a wicked grin on her face.
"So you like it?" She asked casually. Images of our wedding night flickering back to me, intensifying my emotions
"That's an understatement love." I said while repeatedly taking her in with my dark gaze.
Her eyes fell to the envelope in my hand. In my haste to be alone with her, I had completely forgotten about it.
"What's that?" She said pointing to the letter.
"Oh, sorry. Esme said it came today for you. Judging from the handwriting, I would say it's from your dad." I replied while extending my arm out to hand it to her.
"Can you read it to me while I change into the next outfit?" She said while turning around to head into the bathroom, she didn't close the door this time.
"Sure, but if the next one is anything like that one, we aren't going to get very far." I said lightly but feeling the tension of desire burning in my core.
I eventually tore my gaze away from the bathroom entrance and opened the letter. I unfolded the paper and once again saw Charlie's small, slanted handwriting, very similar to his daughters.
"Hi Bells, I hope that things are well with you and that school is still good. I can't believe you only have one more year to go until you are a college graduate. I hope that you and Edward aren't working too hard and have had a chance to see some of New York. I hear it is a beautiful state." I could already tell that Charlie was avoiding saying something, his letters were never this wordy, generally straight to the point. Something like, Hope you and Edward are good and you are getting a four point oh. Miss you kid, haven't had a good meal since you left. Love, Dad.
Bella came out wearing her bathrobe and began rustling around in her bags then returned to the bathroom with a new outfit. I continued, "Work is good. Same old, same old. I heard from Jacob the other day. He and Sarah had some exciting news…" I faltered, my normally smooth, confident voice leaving me as I absorbed the next words - they had a baby girl last week. I felt my cold heart drop to my stomach. A baby. I had a sudden, breath-taking pain that radiated to my core. It felt akin to the pain of an extreme loss, one I thought I would never have to experience again. It felt like almost too much to bear. Why would I feel that way?
"Edward, why did you stop? What was their news? Did Jacob finally start college?" She said poking her head out of the bathroom, donning her next outfit. Her bright eyes instantly dimmed when she took stock of my face. I was unable to mask my unfathomable anguish, so I attempted to hide it in my hands.
"Edward, what is it?" She said in a hushed voice, rushing over to my side. I couldn't reason with my reaction, it seemed completely ludicrous to be so upset about the birth of a child, one that wasn't even ours…and never could be. When I did not respond she pulled the letter from my hands and continued reading.
"He and Sarah had some exciting news. They had a baby girl last week…" She stopped as well and looked down at me. Taking in a deep breath of air, she continued, "They named her Mary Isabella, Mary for his mom and the middle name after you…" pausing again with a quick intake of unnecessary air. "He said that you helped him a lot after his car accident. I'm not sure how you helped him Bells since you were away at college, but I'm really proud of you kid, for making the effort to reconnect with Jake. Take care, love you, Dad." She finished in barely a whisper, her voice wavering.
She collapsed her small frame next to me and I quickly pulled her to my chest, holding on to her like a drowning person. I have rarely wished for the release of tears in the last century, but I desperately wished for them now.
After just a few moments, Bella stiffened under my hold, squared her shoulders and motioned to get up, gently pushing my arms off of her. "Well that's great for Jacob and Sarah. I bet they are very excited." She didn't look at me as she spoke. She then walked into the bathroom and quietly closed the door.
If she was seemingly fine with their news, I should be too. Upon further consideration, I was not surprised by their news. We had heard from Charlie, nearly two years ago, that they were married. The one thing I thought certain I would never desire or miss since having been cast into this existence would be a child, so why this intense pain? Was it for Bella, my concern for her?
It had been several minutes and I had not heard her. I composed myself and went over to the bathroom door. "Love, you okay in there?"
After a moment, she responded, "Yeah Edward, I'm fine. Just go downstairs and join everyone, I'll be down as soon as I put my clothes away." Her voice had a slight edge to it.
I turned to leave the bedroom and headed downstairs, suddenly feeling completely lost. I heard my family members in their rooms with their spouses, jubilantly discussing the recent trip. Without a thought, I found myself sitting at my piano. Esme was right, the front corner of the house was a perfect location for it. I had found I hadn't played it that much since we moved, finding I was more drawn to it in times of pain, such as now. Playing provided an indescribable release. I could lose myself in the complex combinations of the notes. The way the melodies were woven together with a grounding beat.
Again, without thought, I was playing Bella's lullaby. The sweet notes pulling at my heartstrings and filling me with her ever present love, but my thoughts turned darker at the recent events and I was then increasing the beat and lowering the key. My eyes closed, for I couldn't stand to keep them open, to look around me at our loving home. It suddenly felt so utterly empty.
After playing for what seemed like hours, I was not finding my vital release. I knew whom I needed to speak with. I opened up to his thoughts and found Esme and him in his study. At a human's pace, I made my way up a flight of stairs to the closed door.
"Come in Edward." Carlisle's soft voice called from behind the door. I entered the study to find Carlisle behind his desk and Esme seated next to him in a leather armchair. Carlisle appeared to be going through some financial information. As I walked in he put the documents down and appeared to be studying me.
"That was lovely playing Edward. We haven't heard it in so long." Esme said with a loving smile.
"What's troubling you?" He asked with his always reassuring and fatherly voice.
I let out a big sigh, "Is it that obvious?" Feeling unable to recompose my facial features to hide my confusion.
"Well yes, you have had a smile on your face practically since we move here. Your endearing temper has since but disappeared. What is going on, where's Bella?" Esme asked in the gentlest of tones.
"She's in our room putting away her purchases. She said she would be down in a little while. This is actually about the letter that she received. It was from Charlie." I paused my eyes cast to the floor, an unfamiliar lump in my throat.
"What did it say son, what has you so upset. Is Bella's father okay?" Carlisle asked.
"No, Charlie is fine. He said that he recently spoke with Jacob Black."
Carlisle cut me off, "Are they changing their mind on the treaty?" his voice taking on a more official tone.
"No, there was no mention of that. I don't believe that Sam will go back on his word. He actually had news that Jacob and his wife just had a baby girl, Mary Isabella." I heard a small gasp of air from Esme. She had once had a son, he had died when he was very little, and thankfully we had been able to fill in the void left in her motherly instincts. Her thoughts then turned to Rosalie and her internal battles with never being able to bear children.
"That's nice to hear that Jacob is doing okay since his father passed away." Carlisle said while eying his wife, whose gaze was now blank and focused on the closed door.
"Yes, it was nice to hear I suppose, not that I have ever put much concern into Jacob Black." I said with no emotion on my voice. It didn't feel at all nice to hear. For some unknown reason it felt as though I had just been told one of my family members had died. I was feeling ever more foolish for my unexplained reaction especially considering that Bella, the one I should be concerned about, appeared to be taking the news fine. Sure she seemed a little taken aback, but not really upset.
"How is Bella?" Esme asked, her gaze releasing the door and refocusing on me.
"She seems fine with it." I didn't elaborate on my thoughts that sometimes it was hard to tell with Bella. She had a tendency to be stubborn when it came to expressing her emotions. But, to her credit, she had changed a lot over the years.
There was a long moment of silence, everyone lost in thought. I heard Carlisle's concern for me.
It's okay to be upset by the news son. It is a perfectly normal reaction to feel a sense of loss at what you and Bella can never have. I believe we have all struggled with it to a certain extent.
I looked up at my father figure, the one that had known me the longest, and who even in my darkest hours seemed to understand me. Could this unexplainable pain be my own sense of loss? Never in my long existence had I ever considered that not being able to create a child would be a sacrifice. It's just how it was. I had accepted it…or so I thought
But, the longer that Bella and I were together, the happier we became, the more it felt like it could be an incalculable sacrifice. A child is a physical product of the love that two people shared. I loved Bella more than I thought possible, every day it grew stronger, and yet we would never be granted that gift. I did not ever voice these flitting feelings to Bella, because I had never taken the time to acknowledge them. Even if I had, I wouldn't have mentioned it to her, especially considering before her change she had tried desperately to convince me that particular sacrifice wouldn't be one for her.
At one time, not that long ago, respectively speaking, I had considered myself complete without a companion. I had since been proven very wrong having been bestowed with Bella's heart. Her love made me feel more complete and whole than any human or vampire could dream possible. Could I be under the same misconception now? That Bella and I are complete without being able to produce a child? To me it was different, finding a companion had always been an option, though not a probable one, but a child is not possible in our form. I refused to accept that this limitation could define our love, a love that was stronger than any I had ever seen.
I looked up at both of my parental figures as I finally came to understand the origin of this feeling. If I was in this state, with my humanity long since left me, how must Bella be feeling?
"If you will please excuse me, I need to go speak with my wife." I said solemnly, looking at them both and exiting the study. Both of their minds were flooded with concern for Bella and me, causing my spirits to lift ever so slightly at their love for us.
As I entered our bedroom, I saw Bella sitting on the bed once again in her robe, her thin legs dangling over the side, staring out the sliding glass door. Seeing her solemn stare, I was suddenly overcome with the fear that she was finally regretting her decision to join our life. I know if I were in her place, I certainly would. I had taken so much from her on that fateful morning in the Seattle hotel room. These painful doubts had not been spoken of since that last day in our meadow, we had happily moved on, believing that all of our concerns and worries were far behind us.
Over the years, I truly believed that we had gained so much more from her change than just physical equality, but now I wasn't so sure, for what if the one loss was too much to bear. I went to sit next to my wife, taking her delicate hand from her lap in mine, as always, relishing the way they fit so perfectly together. Her gaze slowly rose to meet mine. There was such sadness in her beautiful, amber eyes. I wanted to do whatever I could to take it away, but I was too overcome by my own emotions.
Instead, we sat there in silence for over an hour, side by side, the gentle rhythm of our breaths marching to the same beat. When she finally spoke, her sweet melodic voice pulled me out of my fantasies of our inconceivable children running around the house, through the woods, laughing, and playing. They were beautiful, and not in our unnatural ways; in every way that a sweet innocent child was, perfectly human.
I took in a gulp of air to try and speak before she did, to say that I understood if she was angry with me, what I had done to her, if she regretted choosing me, but the words refused to come out.
"Edward, I know what you are thinking, that I regret my decision to be with you, to be one of you. That couldn't be farther from the truth." Her big, innocent eyes bore through me.
"It's not?" I responded with incomprehension, my voice cracking with emotion.
"No, I have never for one second of the last three years regretted my choices, our choices. You have made me happier than I ever dreamed I could be, than any one should hope to be. You and our family are everything I need and want in life and more." She paused, looking back at the treetops. "Then why are you sad? I know that you are not completely okay with this unexpected news. Don't you, even for one moment, wish you had chosen Jacob so that it was you who had the child, not Sarah?" I said, my voice barely a whisper as I expressed my greatest fears. The one I had expended immense energy and emotion moving past, losing Bella.
"Never!" She shot back with ferocity in her voice and eyes, gripping my hand tightly. I had no doubt she was being truthful. "When are you going to understand that none of those human experiences mean anything to me without you." She shook my hand as she spoke. Her words were a forceful statement.
Then her expression softened. "But, you are right, I am sad, but not for those reasons. I am sad because I will never be able to give you what Sarah gave Jacob. I saw the expression on your beautiful face. I saw the hurt and pain hit you, so unexpectedly. Edward, I know you. I know you never allowed yourself to dream about things that aren't possible in this life. If it took you eighty years to accept that you weren't complete by yourself, I am certain this took you totally off guard. I am just sorry that I didn't and couldn't make it easier for you. That you have to come to terms with this the same way that I did." She said with loving conviction. "When I saw the shock and sadness on your face, I wanted more than anything to take it all away, but I couldn't, I was too selfish, caught up in my own emotions." Her head hung down at her admission.
"Bella, my love," I responded, bringing her fingers to my lips. "How can you possibly feel responsible for not being able to bare children when I am the one that took that away from you? That is ludicrous. I love you, everything that you are and will become. You cannot feel responsible for my shortcomings." Willing her to understand that I didn't blame, couldn't blame her. Not in the least.
"But Edward, they are not your shortcomings. They are who you are, the man I love with a fierceness that reaches deep in my soul. At the same time, I know you are "that guy", that as a human you were ready to settle down with a wife and children. I know this is hard for you to accept now that you have realized what has been lost." She paused and briefly glanced out the window, then returned her eyes back to me.
"Fate obviously had a different plan in mind for both of us, but I in no way believe it is a lesser path. Where would I be now if I have chosen Jacob?" She waited for me to speak, but I didn't, couldn't. "Alone. No matter how much I would have tried to move on, to have that so-called normal human life, he would have left me when he met Sarah. He wouldn't have had a choice, just as I did not in loving you."
"I just, I don't…" I was struggling with expressing the throbbing that was radiating through my core and how I was suppose to accept it, to hope to move past it. I took a deep cleansing breath. "I don't know how to move past this. Just like when you came into my life and the only thing I knew how to do was run away, out of fear, the unknown. That is how I feel now. How can I feel so much sadness and pain for the loss of something I never knew I wanted – especially when up until this point I felt completely whole with your love?" Part of me felt incredible weak for my inabilities. The other part knew that only my Bella would be help to get me out of this despair, to see how to move on.
She lovingly pushed her head under my arm and wrapped hers around my waist, resting her head where my heart long ago had beat. I let my fingers run through her chestnut waves.
She spoke, "I don't know. It is an awful truth that our love, which is beyond perfect, can never result in children. We are in this together; it is our loss, not yours or mine separately, ours. I have just had more time to accept it. But, you can't pull away from me Edward. I need you too much. And you can't blame yourself for something that is neither in your control or your choice. We have so much to be thankful for." She tilted her head up to lock her gaze with mine. "I love you Edward."
I didn't know what to say. Her unquestioning and nonjudgmental understanding seemed more that I could ever deserve. She knew me so well. I have never taken the time in all my years to accept this loss, but I knew I could, I would with her by my side, filling every empty part of me with her love. I slowly began to feel the constricting pain in my core lift. I loved this woman, my wife, my life.
"I love you too." Seemed inconsequential considering the breadth of emotions that we had just endured together, but at the same time, it said it all. I pulled her back so we were lying on the bed, limbs affectionately entwined. We stayed there until the morning sun began to glisten on the lake and reflect into our room. Not speaking a word, but feeling as though all that needed to be said, was.
"There is something that I need to do now." Her voice cracking from the hours spent silent, but still convicted.
"What is that love?" I replied, grazing my finger tips down her porcelain face to her slender neck.
"I need to die."