This chapter of All's Fair in Love and Sorcery was written in front of a live studio audience that had me beaten with red herring if I made a grammatical error. – Zero
All's fair in love and sorcery; chapter sixteen:
"those aren't my zombies!"
OR
"night or day of the living dead who aren't mine"
So the Land of Black Sand wasn't exactly the happiest place on Earth – it was dark all the time, grim, there were dead guys shambling around and ghosts and other nasties that went bump in the night used it as a nesting ground – but Sadira always worked with what she had. Better someplace than nothing after all, right?
'Lady, if you and Mr. Mozenrath live together does that mean you're married?' asked Billy.
"For the last time – no, Billy!" Sadira said. She was currently facing a door and about to go inside, "And be quiet. I don't want Mozenrath to know I'm here. He's so uptight about me touching things after what happened last time."
'My Mommy said that if people live together and they're not married, then they're living in sin.' said Billy.
"Billy, we've been over this – your mother is a very ignorant person." said Sadira, pushing open the door.
Unlike everything else in the castle, the room was very small. The only thing in there was a table covered with dusty old grimoires and scrolls and gods know what else. Pushed in the corner was a small bed that even an starving orphan would snub. The room was covered with dust, showing it hadn't been used in years. Sadira stepped over to the table and scanned to see if there was anything of use.
'What is all this stuff?' asks Billy."Beginner spells mostly. I could do these in my sleep." replied Sadira, disappointed. She pushed aside some scrolls and found a thick, small book with a silver lock on it. "Hello…what do we have here?"
'It looks like a diary.' said Billy.
"That's silly. Why would Mozenrath keep his diary in such an open place?" said Sadira, "Anyone could have found this."
Diaries or journals kept by sorcerers usually included spells and secrets and were kept locked and hidden away. Why was this little item left buried and neglected like everything else in this room? She touched the latch and felt a slight burn and smirked: someone a long time ago had laid a protection seal on it but it was done poorly. She could disarm it within a few minutes.
"What are you doing?" Mozenrath asked.
Sadira nearly jumped two feet in the air. She looked at him. "How did you–" she said.
"Teleportation spell," Mozenrath said, "but that's not important. What I want to know is what you're doing."
"Nothing…" Sadira said, hiding the book behind her back.
"Don't lie to me."
"What's this room for?"
Mozenrath paused and paled. He quickly left the room muttering, "…I don't know."
Sadira was left standing alone in the room. She followed him into the hallway.
"It seemed like you know what that room is for." Sadira said.
"It has nothing to do with you." he replied.
Sadira, being more nosey than usual, continued prodding and asking about the room to which Mozenrath gave the following replies "It has nothing to do with you", "It doesn't concern you.", "It's none of your business." and finally "Shut up about the room already and leave me the hell alone!".
When this was said and done, Mozenrath returned to his study to brood as he had been doing for the past two days. The topic about his discussion with Mirage (who, along with Fashir, were popping up now and again in his life for unexplained). It drove him nearly insane to think that those two were involved in some sort of conspiracy against him or worst and it was mind-numbing to try and think of what they were up to.
"Hello! Mozey! Earth to Mozey!" Sadira yelled into his ear, "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
"What?" asked Mozenrath, returning to reality.
"I want to go out." Sadira said.
"Why?" asked Mozenrath.
"Why?" said Sadira. "This place is boring as bathwater, that's why!"
"There's not exactly anywhere to go." said Mozenrath, "If you haven't noticed, most things are dead or dying in this place."
"Then let's go somewhere else." Sadira said, "I'm going to tear my hair out if I have to stay here any longer."
"Were you always this demanding or did it happen over the period of time I was around you?"
"I don't know – were you always this miserable or did you become slightly more cranky over time?" she replied. She tugged at his cloak, "Come on! You've been inside for way too long! You need sunlight!"
"There's no sunlight here to begin with!"
And so began a very long argument which many authors called 'filler', which is often used when the author has bad writer's block and can only write insults for a long period of time to distract the reader from the fact that nothing is really happening. In the end, Sadira threatened to hide Mozenrath's hair shampoo and this prompted him to join his housemate in her quest to "go out". However, the task of "going out" proved difficult because choosing somewhere to go was as complicated as trying to teach a cat to play fetch.
"Let's go to Yluy! They have a café!" Sadira would suggest.
"I refuse to spend five times the amount for food that's not even high quality." Mozenrath would answer.
"Let's go to Kri-cti! They've got a circus!" Sadira would suggest.
"I hate loud noise, animals, and people." Mozenrath would answer.
"Let's go to…" And so on and so on until Sadira finally reached the end of her rope.
"What about the Fifth Desert? I heard they had a nice marketplace."
Mozenrath was at the end of his rope as well, considering how he had run out of things to hate about where Sadira suggested.
"Fine." he sighed.
Once again, Xerxes and Billy watched their masters leave them alone in the large castle to do absolutely nothing. So Billy and Xerxes did their normal routine: which was sit around and wait for them to return.
'I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored…' grumbled Billy.
"Xerxes bored too." replied Xerxes. Suddenly, Xerxes felt a very strange feeling in his head. It was a headache, except it wasn't as painful or distracting, which is often called an "idea". "What does Master Mozenrath do when he's bored?"
Billy thought hard. '…Sadira?' he asked.
Billy wasn't thinking hard enough.
"He casts a spell!"
'Are we allowed to do that?' asked Billy.
"Of course!" said Xerxes, not really knowing the truth to the question.
He flew off and Billy followed him. Being around Mozenrath all the time, Xerxes knew where all the spell books, grimoires, and potions were kept. In no time, Xerxes had found an interesting spell in a book made from bones (which would have told any person with common sense that it was bad but Xerxes and Billy lacked common sense and also they were not people).
"What does it say?" asked Xerxes, who was mostly illiterate.
'Let's see.' said Billy as he scanned the page, '…um…let's see 'Summoning the Dead from the Seventh Ring of Hell: It's easy as 1-2-3.' Sounds like fun!'
Unknown to both Billy and Xerxes, they had stumbled upon Mozenrath's old spell book from when he was just learning the tricks of the trade. Despite this purposely being a spell for children who would one day become necromancers and voodoo priests, it took the both of them twice as long.
While they were concocting a spell, Sadira admired a blue-green liquid in a bottle. Mozenrath stood at least several feet away, looking at nothing in particular. The market was crowded today. All sorts of people were selling and buying from kiosks, blankets, and tents.
"You figure that when you have a woman living in your house, you would at least keep an eye on her." said Mirage, appearing out of the shadows next to him.
"Not you again." grumbled Mozenrath, "Would you leave? I don't want people to think I'm talking to myself in public again."
"Mozey, why are you talking to yourself in public again?" asked Sadira.
Mozenrath mentally cursed Mirage and turned to Sadira. "I was just….deciding over…what to get you." Mozenrath lied.
"Aw, isn't that cute? She calls you Mozey." teased Mirage, still unseen and unheard by Sadira.
"Shut up!" said Mozenrath.
"I didn't even say anything!" huffed Sadira.
"No, not you!" said Mozenrath.
"Then who?" asked Sadira.
Unable to think of a convincing lie, he changed the subject. "Why do you keep calling me Mozey?"
"Your name is long and saying 'Mozey' is easier." replied Sadira. She asked, "Mozey, can I ask you something?"
"She's right, you know." Mirage said, "Sometimes I wish I had given you a much shorter name, but I always wanted my kitten to have a 'rath' in their name."
"What is it?" groaned Mozenrath.
"Will you please, please, please…" begged Sadira, "…tell me what our relationship is?"
Mozenrath blinked. "What?"
"Well, are we friends or not? Most people who live together are dating but you can't even stand me for ten minuets."
"Five minuets."
"What?"
"Nothing."
There was a long pause after this.
"So are you going to answer my question or not?" demanded Sadira.
"The girl wants an answer. Better tell her what she wants to know." said Mirage.
"Listen you," said Mozenrath, half-speaking to Mirage, "the only reason why I let you into my castle is because I felt sorry that your house blew up. If you haven't noticed or heard, I'm the Lord of the Black Sand. I can't be friends with people – it's beneath me! Do you know having friends is the equivalent of having a demon own kittens?"
"Your point?" asked Sadira, folding her arms.
"It's not happening. At most, we're roommates." said Mozenrath.
"Wonderful way to hurt her feelings, kitten." said Mirage.
Unfortunately, Sadira was not the crying type of woman when her feelings were hurt. She was the scream, pull hair, bleach your clothes in the laundry, key your car type when her feelings were hurt.
"That's such a load!" said Sadira, "If what you said was true you wouldn't have even bothered with me because I've heard and seen how you treat everybody else and you notice something? There is nobody else! I'm the only one around you!"
"Ouch. She really dug into you that time." said Mirage.
"That's not true." lied Mozenrath. He folded his arms and tried to look proud with the few shreds of pride left after Sadira tore into him, "I have Xerxes."
"Oh. Yeah. Xerxes. I'm sure he's wonderful." said Sadira deadpan. She smirked, "I bet you've never even gone on a date."
Mozenrath could feel the words pierce him like a sword. 'Ow.' said his pride.
"She is right, you know," said Mirage, "You are the hundred-year-old virgin."
"Oh, shut up already!" said Mozenrath to Mirage. When he remember Sadira could not see or hear the evil entity he said to her, "As if you have any right to say the same? Didn't you used to be obsessed with Aladdin?"
Sadira blushed. "That was a long time ago!" she yelled, flustered.
"Did he even like you?" asked Mozenrath, smirking, "Or were you too ugly then?"
The snide remark backfired when tears formed in Sadira's eyes and she ran away crying. Mozenrath was left fuming.
"OH! OH! So it's perfectly alright when you make fun of me," yelled Mozenrath, "but when I make fun of you, you start crying!"
"Aren't you sweet? Why didn't you just stab her in the heart?" snorted Mirage.
"I didn't set out today to make her cry!" said Mozenrath. He rubbed his temples, he could feel a headache coming on. "When did my life become so complicated? It was all so simple until you kept popping up! And why is it you only show up when I don't want you around? I asked for you when I was a kid and you never showed up once!"
Mirage was focused on something else. "I think you should go get her and be on your way.
Unless my ears are mistaken," said Mirage, "the All-Seeing Eye Cult is on their way here."
Having to deal with two problems at once was not Mozenrath's area of expertise. To tell the truth, he was more used to causing two problems at once than solving them. Here Mirage was warning him about the cult but here Sadira was off crying in some undisclosed location.
He was starting to develop the theory that his current life was punishment for all his misdeeds in the past. He cursed and grumbled as he scoured the marketplace for the girl.
'Alright!' said Billy, 'We have goat's intestine, sulfur, fresh lamb blood, candles made from human fat…' He checked the spell book. 'I think that's it! No, wait…there's one more thing – a personal possession of one of the deceased to keep the gate open to allow them time on this mortal plain.' He looked at Xerxes. 'Who do we know that's dead?'
Xerxes thought hard.
"Xerxes know!" said Xerxes, "Mozenrath old master dead! He dead for long time now!"
'We need something of his then.' Billy said.
"Xerxes know where!" said Xerxes.
Lingering around Mozenrath all day and being considered a useless ugly eel-thing allowed Xerxes to know the location of certain objects. Xerxes moved through the castle to Mozenrath's private library and returned to the room with a thick grimoire inscribed with runes written in blood and other ominous liquids.
"This belong to old master." said Xerxes, "His old book. He read from it always."
'Okay, so we have everything. Gee wiz, I can't wait to talk to dead people!' said Billy, pushing the grimoire to the center of the magical pentagram.
'Forces of Darkness rise from beneath, hearken to my call, rise up the rings of Hell, one and all!' chanted Billy.
Thunder roared over distant hills. Lightning raked across the sky.
Nothing happened.
"Oh! Xerxes forget to light the candles!" said Xerxes.
After lighting the candles, a gale of dark mist rose from the pentagram. Sparks shot from the floor as a dark miasma filled the room. A thousand lost souls rose from a black hole that grew in the center of the room and swelled every passing second. Xerxes and Billy rushed out, frightened at the sound and fury, and hid under Mozenrath's bed.
A skeleton lurched out of the hole; its bones had been blackened by eternal smoke and flame. The miasma swirled around it. The skeleton looked around, a little curious.
"My old study…" said the skeleton, it's jaw clicking with every word, "…changed a little bit…more books…" The skeleton saw the grimoire lying nearby and picked it up. "My old grimoire! Hasn't been used for a long time now…"
The skeleton walked over to a window and gazed out at the Land of Black Sand.
"My old kingdom. How I have missed you." cackled the skeleton, "Don't worry, Black Sand, darling. I have returned…"
After a half hour of searching, Mozenrath located Sadira squatting next to an abandoned caravan, wiping away at red and irritated eyes.
"Stop crying and come on!" Mozenrath said, grabbing her arm, "The cult's nearby!"
"Let go of me!" said Sadira, taking her arm back.
Mozenrath rolled his eyes, "Gods, are you still upset?" Sadira sniffled. He sighed, "Sadira, this isn't the time for you to be angry at me. We have plenty of time for that at the castle."
Sadira turned her back to him. In the distance, something crashed. People ran in a panic. Mozenrath cursed – this couldn't have happened at then worst time. Sadira seemed to be ignoring the chaos.
There was only way to get out of this…
"…Sadira…" sighed Mozenrath, "…I…"
His pride wanted to sob like a child at the very idea of what he was doing but it had to be done. Behind him, things were starting to burn. It was only a matter of time before the cult found them.
"…I…am…" he said. He choked. Sadira glanced at him, "….so…so…sor…"
Sadira looked at him. Her eyes were large and full of tears.
"I shouldn't have said what I said, let's get out here before the cult realizes where we are." Mozenrath managed to say in one breath.
"You really mean that?" she asked, eyes growing larger.
"Yes, now can we go?" asked Mozenrath.
"Oh, Mozey!" Sadira said. She hugged him tight.
The feeling of Sadira pressed against him made his body rigid. His mind was racing: 'Touching. Touching. Touching. Fireball.'
"GET DOWN!" yelled Mozenrath, falling onto the ground as a fireball flew over their head.
"Get off of me!" Sadira said, crushed under him.
Mozenrath got up from the ground, grabbed Sadira, and ran to the other end of the marketplace. Cultists came pouring inside, chanting the words of their god and demanding blood as people fled.
"Let's leave." decided Sadira.
"I've wanted to do that for the past thirty minutes now!" Mozenrath yelled, "Now stay close to me so I can teleport us back home!"
He summons a mass of dark fire and it encircles them but after a few minuets it dissipates. Mozenrath tries again but once again the fire disappears before the spell can activate.
"What's wrong?" asked Sadira, her fear bordering on panic with the increased chaos around them.
"I don't know." admitted Mozenrath, "There must be a barrier around the castle."
"Meaning…?" asked Sadira.
"We can't teleport."
"We're doomed!"
"No, we're not." He looked around, "Can't you find a carpet or something we can fly away on?"
Sadira dodged another fireball as Mozenrath moved away as an energy beam spiraled toward them. The Cultists had burnt most of the market and scared away all of the people who possibly had carpets.
"There's no carpets – there's not even a very large quilt!" said Sadira.
Mozenrath paused. "We're doomed." he admitted.
While running around in a panic and simultaneously running away from the All-Seeing Eye Cult, Sadira spied a large wooden object, parts of it have been charred away but most of it is still in good condition. She hops inside and chants, pressing the rims of the object: "By the Silver Spheres of Pasumo, grant me this one plee, give this vessel wings!"
"Mozey! Over here!" called Sadira, turning from the canoe.
Mozenrath ran over to Sadira and looked at her. "…Sadira, what are you doing in a canoe?" he asked.
The canoe trembled and hovered into the air. Sadira smiled. "What does it look like? she asked. When Mozenrath didn't reply she sighed, "This is our escape, now jump in! My magic doesn't last as long as yours!"
Mozenrath jumped inside of the canoe and it floated downward briefly and then moved forward at Sadira's beckoning. The Cultists followed them out of the market and onto the sand dunes.
"They're still after us!" Sadira yelled.
"I've got an idea." said Mozenrath. He grabbed the sides of the canoe and chanted, "I invoke the Cloak of Yiponet, calling it unto me to do my bidding!"
A wave of rainbow lights ran over the sides of the canoe and over them. Slowly, the canoe vanished into thin air under the cloak of invisibility. The Cultists continued to chase them until they realized they were gone and decided to regroup.
"Thank the gods – they're leaving." said Sadira. She looked at Mozenrath, who was sitting in back of her, "Why didn't you do that from before when they first entered the market?"
Mozenrath leaned back onto the canoe, frowning. "I didn't think of it but that's not the problem here." said Mozenrath, "I couldn't teleport to the Land of Black Sand and I've done it a thousand times before."
Sadira looked at him.
"Something's wrong." he said, looking at her, "Something is very wrong." He leaned forward, "How far are we from the castle?"
Sadira shrugged, "I don't know…maybe half a day."
Mozenrath laid back in the canoe, brooding over something he wouldn't discuss with her.
Travelling in a flying canoe for hours on end was wearing on Sadira's nerves. There was sand in her hair and in the folds of her clothes. When she saw the sky was darkening around them along with the ground, she woke up Mozenrath (who had dozed off). Mozenrath, usually grumpy when awakened, looked around with a look of mute shock.
"What's going on?" asked Mozenrath.
In the now ancient streets of the empty and now nameless city in The Land of Black Sand, mamluks were shuffling about by the hundred. From the castle, a dark spiral curves from it. Mozenrath and Sadira shudder, feeling the dark energy emanate from the palace in waves.
"Looks like someone's building an army." said Sadira.
"Mamluks!" ordered Mozenrath, "Return to the castle at once!"
The mamluks continued moving, not even glancing at Mozenrath.
Mozenrath growled, "Mamluks! Obey me at once!"
The mamluks continued their march to the edge of the land.
"They're…they're not listening to me." gasped Mozenrath.
"Maybe they're striking?" suggested Sadira.
"This is serious, Sadira!" yelled Mozenrath, paling, "There's only one other person who can control the mamluks but…" He shook his head. "No. It's impossible."
"What's impossible?" asked Sadira.
"It doesn't matter." replied Mozenrath, quickly, "Take us to the castle."
"What are you hiding?" demanded Sadira as the canoe hovered forward.
Mozenrath stubbornly folded his arms and refused to reply. The canoe rammed into an invisible field and crackled like a moth in a flame. Mozenrath and Sadira tumbled from the sky and crashed onto the ground. Mamluks rushed around them, holding daggers to their throats. Mozenrath looked at the mamluks to see a large glowing symbol tattooed into their foreheads.
"Destane." breathed Mozenrath, the blood draining from his face.
"In the flesh, boy!" called a voice from above.