And The Winner Is...
by TheBucketWoman
Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek, Audrey Two, Donald Duck or his nephews, Kermit the Frog, My Cousin Vinny, Saint Ralph, Scarface, The Lion King or anything else. No profit is being made from this fic nor is any infringement intended. Please do not sue me.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Part One: Edwin.
"So?" Dennis said in between bites of cake."What's this video contest I've been hearing so much about?"
After the show, they'd all gone to Smelly Nellie's for dessert. Edwin was working on a sundae that looked big enough for Marti to climb into and had had to take a moment to finish chewing, (talking with one's mouth full in front of company is okay if one wants Nora to die of embarrassment. Otherwise, not so much). Edwin explained it quickly, outlining all the sneaking around that he and Lizzie had had to do the past few weeks. He talked about some of the shots he'd been after and how much he'd edited together so far. The grin on his Dad's face grew by the second.
"Like Donald Duck!" Dad said.
"Come again?" Nora said.
"There was an old Donald Duck cartoon," Dad explained. "The gag is as old as the hills but I told Ed about this old cartoon. If I remember it right, there was this photography contest and Donald enters it. Tries to get shots of wildlife. He puts his all into it, getting the most creative shots that he can, from all kinds of angles. He was being all Orson Welles about it. And then he finds out that the winners of the contest were his nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie. Their winning entry featured shots of Uncle Donald taking his pictures. Hanging upside down out of trees, hiding in bushes, falling off of cliffs..."
Nora started to laugh. "I just pictured Derek hanging out of a tree like that!" she said. "In a little sailor suit!"
"And no pants?" Marti asked. Edwin laughed so hard that he'd had to hold on to Lizzie to keep from sliding out of the booth and onto the floor.
"Is Derek given to Donald Duck style rants?" Dennis asked.
Edwin did his version of Donald Duck. It was getting pretty good if he did say so himself. Then he paused for a second. "Nah, Derek's not a ranter. And the few times he does rant, he's more Kermit the Frog than Donald Duck."
"Anyway, Derek wouldn't give Edwin that much warning," Lizzie said. Edwin nodded.
"How fast do you run?" Dennis asked.
"Pretty fast," Edwin said. "Years of practice."
"When do you have to send the video out?" Dennis asked.
"The deadline is August 15th, but I wanna have it out by next weekend," Edwin said. "Derek will keep tinkering with his until somebody wrestles it away from him."
"Sounds familiar," Dennis said, catching Nora's eye.
"It's not something we're used to seeing from Derek," Dad said. "Usually he saves this kind of focus for three things: food, hockey..."
"And Casey," Dennis said. He toyed with the hunk of chocolate shaving that had been on top of his chocolate mousse. "I get it, George. On one hand, it's great to see that level of passion from your kid. On the other hand, some of that passion is being directed toward Casey. Yikes."
"Welcome to my world," Dad said.
"How do you sleep?" Dennis said. "Daughters everywhere. I'd be camped in the hallway every night."
"Are you implying that we can't take care of ourselves?" Lizzie asked. Edwin bit the inside of his cheek. "Do you think we're helpless, with no moral code and generally unworthy of the respect of the boys we date?"
"Interesting question Liz," Nora said. "I'd actually like to hear the answer to that one. Dennis?"
"Um," Dennis began. "I'm not trying to say that you're helpless or anything, honey..."
"Honey?!" Lizzie said.
"Lizzie," Dennis said. "Elizabeth Marie, if you prefer."
Lizzie cocked an eyebrow.
"What I meant was that as a father of daughters, daughters at an age in which boys start to come around—even though you can clearly handle yourself, I can't help but worry about—Wait a minute, you're messing with me aren't you?" Dennis said.
Lizzie stared him down for an extra few seconds before she started laughing.
"That was really cool," Nora said, high five-ing Lizzie.
"Thanks," Lizzie said. "Even though I wasn't really kidding."
"I get you," Dennis said. "Hard habit to break. I was brought up with the idea that you don't have to be a chauvinist pig to be a Daddy, but it helps."
"What's a chauvinist?" Marti asked.
Part Two: Casey.
The next morning, Casey found Derek with his head face down on the desk, the fish tank screensaver running for who knew how long. She thought about leaving him alone to let him sleep, but she knew from experience how much it hurt to sleep in that position. She rubbed a hand up and down his back.
"Derek," she said.
She got his usual raspy little grunt in response.
"Derek," she sing-songed. "Come on. Why don't you lie down for a little while?"
"What time is it?" he asked.
"It's seven fifteen," she said, checking the display on his monitor. "Let's just save your changes and you can sleep for a few more hours, except this time try the bed so you don't go walking around like Quasimodo for the rest of the day."
He sat up. "Ow," he said. Right on cue.
"See?" Casey said, massaging his neck a little.
He rubbed his eyes with the heels of both hands and then tried to focus on the screen.
"Hit 'save' and then close it," Casey said. For a second it looked like he was going to fiddle around with the program some more, but then he did as he was told. Who knew he could be so malleable?
He rolled over to his bed, and when he got there, climbed across it diagonally and curled up.
"You should really straighten out," Casey said.
"Mhmm," Derek said. He didn't move.
She leaned one knee on the bed and reached over to turn him. He let her, and when she looked him over, she decided that that position would have to do. She pecked him on the mouth and left his room as he started to snore.
Derek was still very much asleep at around eleven when her father came to take her and Lizzie to lunch. He picked an Italian restaurant with outdoor seating, saying that a day like the one they were having was not to be wasted indoors.
Lizzie asked their Dad about New York sports teams. Casey tried not to zone out, but she really couldn't work up an interest in any of it. She'd taken to counting the little blue tiles on their table until she realized that the conversation had turned from the Yankees themselves to the controversy that was surrounding the new Yankee stadium that was being built. Casey looked up in panic when Lizzie started using words like "air quality," "construction," and "asthma."
"A lot of people would agree with you there, Liz," Dad said. "I think it's a done deal, though. People have been promised some greenery in return, I hear." He paused for a minute and gave Lizzie a long look. "Given any thought to law school?" he asked finally. She and Casey laughed. Then he managed to shift Lizzie's attention to the possibility of visiting the Botanical Gardens and the Bronx Zoo the next time they came to New York.
"You guys have seen the one in Central Park, but the Bronx one will blow you away," Dad said.
"Bronx?" Casey asked, dubiously.
"Did you think it was all about Manhattan?" Dennis asked, already knowing the answer.
He asked her about the play. They talked about the Audrey Two puppets and how everyone had gotten a little bit creeped out by them.
"Seriously creepy," Casey said. "They were like these foam rubber corpses, and no one liked to get too close. Ray, he was the puppeteer, almost gave Chris a heart attack last week. Chris went walking by the thing—and Chris kept denying that the puppet was scary, he whenever he passed it, he acted all nonchalant—so when he passed it, Ray made it reach out and grab him. Derek was so mad that he didn't get it on tape!"
"I would be, too," Dennis said.
"Edwin got it," Lizzie said.
"No way!" Casey said. "Well, we gotta see that when we get back."
"Not yet!" Lizzie said. "Not unless we can get rid of Derek."
"Oh yeah," Casey said. "I guess it'll have to wait."
"I don't get it," Dennis said.
"Don't get what?" Lizzie asked.
"Why you have to keep this a secret," Dennis said. "Derek never struck me as much of a shrinking violet. Why not follow him around? Why would he object? Unless Edwin wanted to keep Derek from hamming it up too much."
"Derek hasn't actually hammed anything up in months," Casey said. "That's kind of the problem. I mean, if you pull out a still camera, he'll pose for you all day, but he tenses up whenever his voice gets recorded. I've seen him have to take a deep breath before leaving a message on someone's answering machine. Did Mom show you the footage of us on the news?"
"Did she ever," Dennis said. "I asked for copies, of course. I shall be annoying everyone at the office for a while."
Casey turned a little pink. "Well, Derek wanted no part of it," she said. "I thought that he was gonna run away."
"Didn't show," Dennis said.
"I know," Casey said. "He came off really well, but to hear him describe it, you'd think they were ripping out his fingernails. And I'm pretty sure he won't look at it again. Which is sad because he used to be the world's biggest ham, just like you said."
"So Edwin's filming Derek because he's funny and watchable," Lizzie said. "And we thought that it would also build his confidence a little," Lizzie said.
"He's gotten way too quiet," Casey said.
"Okay," Lizzie said. "Dunno if I'd go that far."
"I would," Casey said. "And it would be one thing if it were an organic process, like if when he was in the hospital, he, I dunno, became zen or something, decided to that he preferred being quiet, but that is not what happened."
Lizzie wrinkled her nose and laughed. "Zen Derek," she said.
"That's my point," Casey said. "He's self conscious, but he doesn't wanna be. I can see it on his face, and I know that it really bugs him."
"So how is this gonna help?" Dennis asked.
"Edwin could have picked any subject to make a movie out of and he picked Derek," Casey said. "and not just out of some older brother hero worship thing, though that's a really big part of it."
"Huge part of it," Lizzie said. "But we officially don't know that."
"'Course not," Dennis said.
"But it's also because Derek legitimately seemed like a good subject, someone that people would want to pay attention to. As much as I don't want him to get a big head, I think it's a great idea because he really does need to be reminded of that."
"Also Edwin's pretty good," Lizzie said.
"Really good," Casey said. "We haven't seen the finished product yet, but he might have a chance to—"
"No jinx," Lizzie said.
"And Derek's video?" Dennis asked.
"Same thing," Casey said. "No jinx. But we might be a little biased."
"Just a little," Dennis said, grinning.
Part Three: Sam.
Derek and Sam were supposed to be knocking around, doing very little. Casey's orders. The original plan had been to bring Ralph, but he was pretty sure that if Ralph wasn't still...busy, then he'd be exhausted. It was best to leave the kid alone.
Sam showed up around noon, with buffalo wings, curly fries, and the some random DVDs that he dug up.
"Saint Ralph, Sam?" Derek said. "You own a copy of Saint Ralph?"
"It's my mom's," Sam said. "It's funny. There's this scene in a pool..."
"Riiight," Derek said. "Your mom's."
Derek went through the handful that Sam brought over and pulled out My Cousin Vinny.
"Funniest part of this is that I think I have a cousin Vinny," Derek said.
"Vinny Venturi?" Sam asked.
"Yep," Derek said.
Sam shook his head and put the movie in. It took precisely ten minutes for Edwin to realize what they were watching and for him to trickle in. Sam thought it was a good idea that he'd overloaded on the wings.
By the end of the movie Sam made a mental note: When hanging out with a Venturi, never ever watch a movie with accents in it. For a while, he could do nothing but watch as both Derek and Edwin dueled with their own Brooklyn by way of Ontario accents.
Sam's phone rang; he went into the kitchen to take it.
"How's it goin?" Casey asked.
"What, you mean with the two yutes in there?" Sam asked, affecting his own accent.
"What?" Casey asked.
"Listen fuh yuhself," Sam said. He went into the living room and held the phone out as Derek and Edwin recreated the interrogation scene from the movie.
"Does that give you an idea?" Sam said, after letting her listen for a second.
"Oh my God," Casey said. "I think you might've created a couple of monsters."
"Yep," Sam said. "So when are you coming home?"
"On my way," Casey said. "Why? So you can leave me and Lizzie to deal with them?"
"Yeah," Sam said. "Aren't you happy I didn't bring over Scarface or something?"
"Ugh," Casey said."I guess I should be grateful, then."
"Yeah, you really should," Sam said.
After they hung up, Sam came back to the couch and toyed with some cold curly fries as Derek and Edwin criticized each other's accents. Neither of them had the foggiest idea what they were doing. Derek's Brooklyn turned into Boston after a while, Sam noticed.
"Dude," Sam said.
"Dude?" Derek said, pointing a finger at him, going Southern again. "Dude? You sir, will address me as yo' honor or ah will hold you in contempt."
Sam let that one go. "Anyway, your better halves are on their way home," he said. "Thought you'd wanna know. And I need to go meet my better half at the mall, so..."
"And you're a little afraid of us," Edwin said.
"That too," Sam said. The fact that Derek hadn't clowned around this much in ages wasn't lost on Sam, but he didn't wanna ruin it by bringing it to his attention. That was more of a Casey move. If Sam did it, the kid would clam right up and things would be awkward from then on. So it was best to pretend to be disturbed by their little display.
"What?" Derek said, making Sam realize that he was staring.
"Nothing," Sam said, covering.
"So," Derek said. "You're leaving all this to go to the mall and carry your girlfriend's bag?"
"Duh," Sam said.
"Have I taught you nothing?" Derek asked.
"I try my best not to listen to you," Sam said.
"Good way to be," Edwin said. Derek swatted the back of his head.
Part Four: Marti
Marti spent most of that Saturday at Dimi's being watched by Sheldon and Emily. Sheldon was okay. He told Marti and Dimi that he was the youngest in his family, too.
"I kinda always wanted a little brother or sister," he said.
"Aww," Emily said.
"Or, you know, a puppy," Sheldon said.
Marti and Dimi giggled.
He taught them a card trick that his brother taught him. He also didn't complain when they wanted to see The Lion King again.
"C'mon, Em, it's The Lion King," he said when Emily groaned.
And when she and Dimi caught Sheldon and Em making out, he didn't ask her if she had something to do in the other room they way Derek and Casey did.
Emily told them about the petroleum jelly on the doorknob trick.
"Ever try mustard on the doorknob instead?" Sheldon said.
"Mustard?" Emily said.
"Yeah," Sheldon said. "'Cause when it dries, it turns brown, so if you put it on the bathroom doorknob..."
"Ew!" Emily said.
Dimi looked at Marti like Christmas had come early. Marti so needed to try that one. She didn't think that Derek had even thought of it, and he'd done that thing with the peanut butter last year. Casey wouldn't talk to him for days after that.
"You didn't hear about that from us, okay Marti?" Emily said.
"Hear about what?" Marti asked.
Later, when Marti got home, she'd had to sidestep both Casey and Derek as they ran around gathering all their stuff to go do the play again. She decided that it wouldn't be a good time to prank them, so she went to bug Edwin and Lizzie.
"'Sup, yo," Marti said, imitating Edwin and cracking him up. He and Lizzie were at the computer, but when Marti came over to look, they stopped what they were doing and opened up something else.
"Hey!" Marti said. "Like I don't know what your movie's about. You told us last night."
"She's got a point," Lizzie said.
"Yeah," Edwin said."Okay you're right, Smarti."
"Yeah," Marti agreed. "And I wanna see Derek in a sailor suit with no pants."
Lizzie laughed at her joke, but Edwin crouched down and shushed Marti even though she hadn't been talking loud.
"Edwin," Lizzie said. "This is the attic. The door is closed and everyone else is downstairs. And what are you crouching for?"
"I have no idea," Edwin said, straightening up.
He waited until he saw Derek and Casey pull out of the driveway from his window before he put his just-about-finished movie on.
"Did you show Casey?" Marti asked when it was done.
"Not the whole thing, no," Edwin said. "Just you and Lizzie."
"Casey's gonna cry," Marti said. "And Nora."
"Brrr," Edwin said.
"I'm sure Derek'll kill him before anyone starts crying," Lizzie joked.
"Smerek'll like it," Marti said. "You're a good director."
Edwin looked at her like he might cry a little, but then he gave his head a little shake, like he was rattling the marbles in it and said. "Thanks, Smarti. But I don't have any chocolate, you know."
Marti leaned against him, and he put an arm around her. Lizzie leaned against his other side.