Thank you to all of you who reviewed!! It means a lot to hear what you think.
:o)
This next chapter takes a slightly random formula: Mac and Harm take it in turns to narrate. Their thoughts are in italics.
Song is 'Over and Over' as performed by Nelly and Tim McGraw.
Hope you like this chapter!
MAC's POV
God I miss him. I've wished so many times that I could go back in time just to take back what I said. Then who knows where we could be right now. We've been through so much together. And now who knows when I'll see him again. My life is like a soap opera; it's always one thing after another. I once told Harm that I wanted what all women wanted: a good job, a good man and shoes, lots of them. Truth be told, the shoes I have, the job I have, all that's missing is him. He's the good man I was referring to, he has been ever since I met him. I hear a voice calling me,
"Sarah? Sarah? Are you with me?" I blink, coming out of my reverie to see Clay looking at me with concern written all over his face. I'm an awful person. I'm on a date with someone, and all I can do is daydream about another man. Clay is a good guy, but he's just not Harm. There are no sparks between us. I manage a small smile.
"Sorry Clay, I've just got a lot on my mind." He looks at me sadly,
"Rabb?" he asks knowingly, looking a little resigned as to the answer. I sigh and reach over to give his hand a squeeze.
"I'm sorry." I say, and I mean it. Clay looks at me, immediately understanding what I am saying. There won't be any more dates. Not between us.
"He doesn't deserve you." He says simply. I feel a little flicker of annoyance.
"I don't deserve him." I reply. He opens his mouth to reply, and I shake my head sadly. "Thanks for dinner. And I truly am sorry" I say, cutting him off. I feel bad for leading him on, but the truth is Harm has had my heart since the moment we met; no one else has ever stood a chance.
"Do you want me to walk you home?" I smile at him. We're in a small restaurant in Georgetown, its not like I have far to go.
"I'll be fine. Thanks for offering though." I reply as I stand up and slip my coat on. We walk through the restaurant to the door where I pause.
"Thanks for understanding." I say with a shy smile, leaning over to give him a kiss on the cheek. He smiles at me,
"I hope he realises how lucky he is." He says, and with a wave, saunters off in the direction of his car. I stand for a few moments, watching him leave, before heading back to my apartment, and a tub of Ben and Jerry's that I have waiting for me.
I miss him. I can't help it, I just miss him. Now I'm sat alone in my apartment with only a tub of ice cream for company, that feeling is even stronger. It's strange at work without him. I hate that we're not talking. I always feel like part of me is missing when we have had a fight. I want to sort this out. I need to sort this out. The problem is, I'm terrified; Marine's aren't supposed to be terrified, but here I am all the same. The thing that scares me most is that I might have screwed things up for good this time. I don't know what I would do if that were true. The first thing I do each evening is check my answer phone to see if he's called. I know he won't have, but each day, as I walk through the door, a little spark of hope ignites within me. I know I am the one that's going to have to make this first move. Harm is stubborn, pig-headed man at time, but he is also a gentleman; I said never, and he's going to take it like that. He won't make any moves, especially if he thinks I am with Webb. As that thought occurs to me, another quickly follows: I think I understand him a bit better now: he wants me to be happy, that's why he walks away each time. He thinks he's giving me what I want. God, when did my life become such a mess?! One stupid word and I may have lost my best friend forever. I really don't know what came over me in Paraguay. I didn't mean it. Even as the words left my mouth I regretted them. He was just being so stubborn, acting so jealous and dropping callous remarks every five seconds. I was mad at him. I don't know why.
I feel tears in my eyes at that thought and my mind wonders to the conversation I had yesterday afternoon with the Admiral. What did he say? That I was the most important thing in Harm's life? 'Was' being the operative word now I'm sure, although I don't believe I ever was. He really knocked me for six with his admission. I've been kicking myself ever since: He gives Harm and I an opportunity to pursue what's between us, and I've already, in effect, slammed the door in Harm's face before we've had chance to. I feel tears running down my face, and wipe at them in annoyance. I hate crying, but recently I just can't stop. I can't sleep either, everytime I close my eyes I am tormented by images of Paraguay; Harm's face mainly, when I said those words, when he saw me kissing Webb. The hurt I saw both times is going to haunt me forever. I've got to talk to him, I realise, I've got to say I'm sorry. And I've got to tell him I was wrong. Suddenly I find myself standing, the now half empty pot of Ben and Jerry's clattering to the floor. I consult my internal clock: 22:33, is that too late? I wonder to myself, probably, a little voice inside of me says, he's probably out with some new bimbo, forgotten all about me. I sigh out loud, before deciding that truthfully I don't care. I've just got to see him.
HARM's POV
After the Admiral left, I went for another run. I had to do something, The thoughts that kept chasing each other round my mind were driving me crazy. So I went running again. Down the Mall this time. I stopped at the Wall to visit my dad. Speaking to him made me feel a bit better. Not much, admittedly; I think after my conversation with the Admiral I was a little beyond help. Now I'm back in my apartment, staring in to space, unable to stop the thoughts from coming. I can't believe how my life has ended up. If someone had told me a year ago that in a years time I would no longer be a Naval Officer, or a lawyer, or that my best friend wanted nothing to do with me even though I had risked my life and given up my career to try and save her I would have laughed in their face. Mac and I were getting on great a year ago. If anything, we were closer than ever before, and possibly moving slowly towards a relationship. Now look at us. She hates me. We don't talk, but I have to work for her new boyfriend. Webb. I feel a slight shiver of disgust run through me at the thought of them together, and the song playing on the radio catches my attention.
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
No
I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh
But I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I Can't go on not loving you)
I had a message on my answer phone from Bud when I got back; asking about Thanksgiving. I don't know if I can face going, seeing Mac with Webb, who is sure to be there too, it will just be too awkward. I don't want to cause any problems for Bud and Harriet. I miss them all. I don't want to miss it. That will just emphasise how I'm no longer part of the JAG family. I feel a pang of sadness at that thought. They have been my family for so long now. But I don't know if I can face seeing Mac look so adoringly at Webb. It was bad enough with Brumby. With Webb it will be unbearable.
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
No
I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keeps playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh
I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I Can't go on not loving you)
The day she left is fixed permanently in my mind, in fact it's like a video running on a loop through my mind; torturing me. I still can't believe she said that. When she did, I didn't know how to react. I think my heart broke in two that day. I thought she understood; I thought that my actions had made it clear to her. I love her. I would follow her to the ends of the earth just to make sure she was ok. I resigned my commission for her. If that doesn't say 'I'm ready to let go' then I don't know what does. And threw it all back in my face. For Webb. That really hurts. It kills me to think of them together. I wonder if the Admiral is right. He said she loves me. Can that be true? Is there still hope? I'm not angry with her anymore. I was, but now I just miss her. More than anything.
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
No
(Now that I've realized that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Every time I close my eyes I lock it down oh
I can't go on not loving you)
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
No
The song finishes and the DJ's voice startles me out of my reverie. I've got to see her. I realise. I hurry to my room and grab my jacket off the bed. I open my front door and come to a sudden halt, my jaw dropping in shock. Standing on the other side of the threshold is Mac, one arm raised to knock. We both stare at each other, completely speechless. I see her eyes fill with tears, and I long to pull her into my arms and comfort her.
"Hi." I manage to stutter, my heart pounding in my chest. She looks back at me, and I see my expression mirrored in hers.
"I..uh…you were on your way out" she says softly, not quite meeting my eyes. The tears start to fall now. "I'm sorry I can't do this." She says suddenly, turning and bolting away down the stairs...
I know, I know I'm sorry for leaving a cliffhanger. Let me reassure you that the fluff is coming.
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Thanks for reading :o)
xxxx