John was trying to stare at the ground, at Dean's bed, at anything other than his youngest son's determined eyes.

"Sammy you should eat your food, it's getting cold son"

"Don't try changing the topic dad…what did Dean do?"

"Sammy…"

"DAD…What.Did.He.Do!" Sam wasn't about to back down now, his brother had sacrificed something for him, well he had sacrificed a lot for Sam, but this was different, this was bigger, Sam could feel it, and John dodging the question just made Sam's curiosity and his fear of what his brother did that much more intense.

John took in a deep breath knowing that there was no way he could avoid this one. He looked over at Dean as if he was apologizing telepathically, and then starred into Sam's eyes.

"Dad…please"

"Alright Sammy," John looked down knowing that he was going to regret telling Sam when Dean woke up. "Remember how Dean always talked 'bout being a firefighter…well he got accepted to one of the most prestigious fireman schools in the country"

Sam was stunned, when had all this happened, it couldn't have been while Sam was away at college cuz' Dean was completely devoted to hunting.

"How do you know?"

"I uh…I found the acceptance letter in the room that the two of you were sleeping in. It congratulated him on passing all the preliminary exams, the agility, physical…all those. All he had to do was go to some classes and well…he could've been a firefighter."

Sam was stunned…so stunned that it left him speechless. When had all this happened, when had his brother done all those exams, why didn't Dean ever tell him? Before Sam could play 21 questions, John continued with the story.

"Dean walked into the room as I was reading the letter, and I swear your brother looked more freaked than when he's battling anything supernatural," John let out with a little chuckle. "I asked him why he had this letter, and he just said it was just something to keep him busy. I knew better though, I knew it was something he wanted, but I let my selfishness and fear get in the way."

Sam sat there starring at his father, his complete attention on the man in front of him.

"I told your brother he couldn't do the fireman thing, and for the first time in his life he questioned me. He asked me why he couldn't and that he promised it would only be certain days and at night. At first I was resistant but later I thought it might be good for him, and he was gon'na be close to home anyways."

"Dad…when was this"

"A couple days before you left"

Sam swallowed hard as he somewhat could predict the rest of this story.

"I found your letter a couple days after…letters just seemed to be popping outta thin air," John laughed quietly to himself, but his smile soon turned to a frown. "And…well…you know what happened after that."

John didn't see a point in reliving the fight between him and Sam, the fight that drove Sam away…the fight that smashed Dean's dreams.

"Anyways Sammy, when you left…I was a mess…I couldn't help it…I was so angry at you for leaving, but only because I was worried, I think I was just more angry at myself for driving you away. I was being clumsy and stupid during hunts; getting myself injured…I was like a freaking bomb ready to go off." John looked at the ground, then to Dean.

"Your brother knew how torn apart I was, he knew that he had to be around at all times, during all hunts because I…I just wasn't thinking straight anymore. The easy thing would have been for your brother to call you and tell you what was going on, tell you to come back home to help hold up the home front, but that didn't even cross his mind for a second"

John was now starring at his eldest with tears of pride and regret in his eyes.

"Dean was so proud of you Sammy, he knew how much you wanted to go to Stanford and he knew how hard it was to get into such a prestigious school. He was hurt when you left, no doubt about that, but that was cuz he was so used to you two being together, he was always proud though. No matter how hurt he was, he was so happy for you cuz you finally got what you wished for…a normal life…and he wasn't about to take that from you, so he did what he does best…he put you and me first, and gave up his dream. He turned down the acceptance to the school and he just gave up on firefighting all together. He was always at home…taking care of me"

John immediately saw the guilt laced across his young son's face. He'd be damned if he let another one of his son's down.

"Sammy don't you even think it! None of this is your fault son…it's mine. I'm the dad, I shouldn't have needed Dean to take care of me, and I shouldn't have needed Dean to give up his dream to keep me in one piece and to keep our family together." John looked at Sam, hoping to see the guilt erased from Sam's face, but all he saw was more guilt. You could always count on Sammy to do something he believed in but then immediately have a guilty conscience. John continued to speak as he tried to get Sam to shift the blame onto him.

"You know what the worst part is…I didn't even stop him. I didn't stop him from giving up his dream; I jus' selfishly accepted his decision. I had overheard Dean and Caleb talking about how Dean had given up on firefighting, but instead of telling him I heard everything and talking to him about it, I just never brought it up and let him just…give it up. Caleb wasn't too happy about that…and he made sure that I knew. I jus remember thinking at that time that I just…I jus couldn't lose my other son too."

Sam was staring at his brother now.

"Caleb knew about Dean and the whole firefighting thing?"

"Yeah, he knew. Caleb always wanted you boys to find other interests other than hunting, and well from the minute Dean mentioned he wanted to be a firefighter Caleb was on his ass about going through with it."

There was silence in the room for a few seconds as Sam tried to process everything he had heard up until now.

"What did you hear?" Sam asked breaking the silence.

"What?"

"When Dean and Caleb were talking…what did they say?"

"Does it really matter Sammy?" John meant this more as a rhetorical question.

"It matters to me dad"

John saw the desperation in his son's eyes, desperate to understand what had happened, desperate to know he hadn't messed up his brother's life. John took in a deep breath as he began to mimic the conversation between Caleb and Dean, hoping that it might help Sam understand that it was all John's fault and not his own.

SNSNSNSN

"So how is that firefighting gig going?" Caleb asked attentively.

"Uh…it isn't"

"It isn't what?" Caleb asked curiously.

"I uh…I stopped with that"

"You did what! Why the hell would you do that boy!" Caleb replied as more of an angry remark than a question.

"I just don't have time," Dean remarked quietly hoping Caleb didn't hear.

"Don't have time! My ass you don't have time…it's that damned father of yours isn't it!"

"Caleb don't…dad needs me around right now…I can't just go off and become a part time firefighter"

Caleb took a second to watch Dean's expression and sink in what he was hearing.

"You got accepted didn't you" Caleb asked sounding slightly annoyed.

"It doesn't matter if I did or didn't, I can't go"

"Like hell you can't, your fathers a grown man Dean…you shouldn't have to take care of him, he should be taking care of you"

"Caleb, stop it!" It was Dean's turn to sound annoyed. "You know what it's been like for me and dad since…since Sammy left. Dad's a mess Caleb; he can't even go on a damn hunt without getting himself in trouble."

Caleb was getting ready to argue but he knew that there was truth to what Dean was saying.

"Dean, why don't you asked Sammy to come back for a bit, I mean if he's back I'm sure your dad will get back on his game"

"HELL NO! Are you kidding me Caleb!" When Dean realized that he was yelling at Caleb he immediately lowered his voice. "Caleb, this has been Sammy's dream since…well since he was 5 and that little brain of his grew to an enormous size." Dean couldn't help but chuckle at his own comment; he used to always tease Sam about the size of his brain, using it as an explanation for Sam's big head. Dean never really thought Sam's head was big but it bugged the hell out of Sam when Dean teased him about his head, so Dean did it anyway.

"All Sam's ever wanted was a normal life…and well let's face it…he's not gon'na get that living here. He deserves more than this life, he deserves to be happy…to have his dreams come true..."

"And what about your dreams Dean, what about what you want!" Caleb interrupted.

Dean couldn't help but laugh at that…his dreams…what he wants…when did that ever matter, it was never about him and he had accepted that fate from the day little Sammy was placed in his arms.

"What I want is for Sammy to be happy, for him to live his life to the fullest…I want Dad to be safe, and I want to help him kill that son of a bitch that took our mom so that he can finally heal..." Dean took in a deep breath… "I just want my family together and in one piece." Dean replied with a sad smile.

"Dean…" Caleb couldn't even find the words…Dean had such a big heart...the biggest heart he had ever seen in a young man.

"Caleb it's okay" Dean replied sensing the worry in the older man's voice. "Sure I wanted to do the whole firefighting thing, but I mean it's not the end of the world if I don't get to do it. Sammy…dad…they mean way more to me than being a fireman, hell they mean more to me than anything in this world. Giving up firefighting…it's a small price to pay if Sammy's happy and has his dreams come true and to see dad alive and sane after hunts."

Caleb just stood there starring at the young man before him. The young Dean Winchester he had known for years as an obedient little kid had grown into an incredible young man. The heart on Dean was immeasurable and he prayed that John knew what an amazing son he had.

Dean was getting a little uncomfortable with the silence and Caleb's starring so he decided to put a stop to it.

"Caleb I should get going, I have to go pick up some stuff for our next hunt, I'll see you around"

"Take care of yourself Dean"

Dean nodded and left the room. Caleb could see John standing outside the other door peering in.

"I hope you heard all of that John!"

"I did," John replied as he entered the room.

"Good! Now go talk to him and convince him to do this firefighting thing!"

John just looked at Caleb and dropped his head. "I can't Caleb"

Caleb paused for a moment as the anger began to build up.

"You selfish little prick! What the hell's the matter with you, he's your damn son for crying out loud! Doesn't what he wants even matter to you?"

"Of course it does!" John snapped back. "I just…I don't want him to leave too."

"You don't want him to leave…are you shitting me! You're barely around anyways John…when both your boys were here, you were barely even around so why the hell would it matter if Deans not around for a little, it's not like he's going away!"

"Caleb…I don't expect you to understand…I just need him around okay."

Caleb shook his head in a disappointment at his long time friend.

"John I dun'no what's going on with you man…I do know though that I've never known such a loyal, self sacrificing and loving person like Dean…I just pray that you and Sammy don't take advantage of that and realize what Dean does for the two of you, what he does to keep your family together. I just hope you realize it before it's too late…before something unfortunate happens and god forbid, he's gone"

"He would never leave Caleb, you said it yourself he's loyal…he'd never walk out on his family"

"…I wasn't talking about walking out John"

SNSNSNSN

Sam looked at his father through his tear filled eyes to see a site that was rarely ever seen. John had a tear streaming down his face as he revealed the conversation to Sam.

Caleb's words were embedded in Sam's mind "I just hope you realize it before it's too late…before something unfortunate happens and god forbid, he's gone." Sam tried to hold back his tears but it was too hard, he held his brother's hand as the tears began to stream out.

And that's when it hit him…he remembered all the horrible things he had said to Dean when Dean had come to Stanford to get him…all the horrible things he wished he could take back…

"Dean don't drag me back into that life…I've made a good life here…a life without hunting, without fear and sadness, I life without loneliness"

"Look Sammy I really think imma need back up on this one…I just have a feeling"

"Dean…no! This little hunt can go on forever…a weekend of my help won't do you any good"

The biggest thing that stood out in his mind from his conversation with Dean at Stanford was the last thing Sam had said to him before he took off.

"You said you wanted to be a fireman before I went to school…but you never even tried to do it, you never tried to follow your dreams…all cuz u wanted to be a good lil boy in dad's eyes! Just because you didn't have the guts to follow your dreams doesn't give you permission to ruin mine!"

Sam hadn't understood the pain on his brother's face after he uttered those words, but he understood now…he understood clearly. Dean had sacrificed his dream so that Sam could have his…and Sam had used it against Dean to get back at him. What the hell had he done.

"You okay kiddo?" John asked

Sam had completely forgotten his dad was still in the room with him, he was so wrapped up in his own thoughts, in reliving that night Dean came to get him that he forgot his own father was sitting in front of him.

"You just looked like you were miles away"

I…I just need him to wake up…I need to tell him I'm sorry…tell him how much I love him…I need to..." before Sam could finish, a loud monotone sound echoed in his ears. He had heard this sound before on T.V. shows and movies when people...

Sam and John's eyes darted up to the machine Dean was hooked on, and they watched with horrified eyes as the vertical peaked lines detecting Dean's beating heart, the lines which were evidence of Dean being alive…went flat…

TBC- Next chapter will be up tomorrow