Katie's Journal
I hate to admit this but I can't stand this. I hate having Sam around again. It's like nothing is ever going to be the same with him here. I can't say anything to him without thinking that it's going to bring us to a fight. Dean isn't helping either. I don't know what to do. I know what I did was wrong, but I was a teenager. I was allowed to screw up. But he was younger than me and saw it completely opposite. I always forget that. I was his mother figure, and also I was a sister. He needed me and I was just thinking about myself. I feel guilty for just looking at Dean with Sam near me. I can't keep doing this to myself I have to find away to get rid of this feeling. I know what I want, and it's not fair that I feel guilty about wanting it.
The case we had in Blackwater Ridge was so not the picnic I thought it was going to be. I could tell that the boys were really disappointed that John wasn't there. Sammy really wants to find him, and I know Dean does too. I hope he's not out there somewhere doing something stupid. If anything ever happened to John and the boys weren't there to help I think they'd blame themselves. I know John, and he probably is out there doing something, anything to get the Demon that killed Mary. I hope he's being careful. Even though the boys are full-grown they still need their father.
As random as this is I think Dean would actually be really good with kids. After seeing him with that little boy, Lucas, I can't help but think about it. When we were younger he took care of us, and I thought that he was the worst. I guess he's getting better with age. Dean Winchester is always going to be full of surprises.
Which brings me to the hilarious thought of him on an airplane. I never would have thought Dean was afraid of flying. There's always something to learn I guess. But when it comes to Sam I just don't know what to do.
I find myself looking at Sam differently after the Bloody Mary thing. I just don't know why he'd say the things he did. I want to hold him, comfort him, but I can't. Sadly it's just that simple for me. I can't and won't. I wish he'd start sleeping without getting those nightmares of Jessica. He must have really loved her. I can't even imagine losing someone like that. He's a lot braver than I would have been in his situation.
My only hope is that one of these days everything is just going to fall into place…
SsSsSsSs
Katie sat on one of the stiff motel beds, an old leather journal in front of her. Sam, sitting at the table across from her, remembered her writing in it when she was younger. He always wanted to know what she put in it. He didn't think that she would still have it after all these years. She glanced up, staring at him through the strands of her curly auburn hair that had fallen into her face as she was writing.
If he knew what she was putting in her journal he would never look at her like he was right then. He openly stared at her with this intense gaze. She finally had to look away. Thankfully Dean walked in with two plastic bags, filled with their dinner she hoped. One of these days she knew she was going to deal with all the tension between her and Sam, but that was going to be a long time from now.
SsSsSsSs
"I'll take the floor tonight." Dean said pulling a pillow off of one of the beds. This was how it'd been for the last month. Katie would get a bed and the boys would trade off sleeping on the floor or a chair. When they were younger they would've just shared with one another, but doing that now would just been too awkward. Katie was still in the bathroom taking a shower, and Dean wanted to get the sleeping arrangements done before she had time to argue. Sam was about to protest when Katie walked out. She was standing in the doorframe wearing what looked like one of Dean's old t-shirts and a pair of boxers. Everyday he thought about what it was like when it was just Dean and Katie. They were always close and Sam figured without anyone else with them, they must have been even closer.
"Dean you don't have to take the floor. Neither does Sam. I can just share with one of you. It's not like I take up a lot of room." Katie had a good point. She was small and they were queen beds, but just the thought of Katie sharing a bed with one brother and not the other was a bad idea. She moved and sat on one of the beds waiting for them to say something anything.
"Dean can I talk to you outside for a minute." Sam asked, walking over to the door. Dean followed him curious as to what was so important. Katie watched them leave before falling onto the bed in a heap of exhaustion.
SsSsSsSs
"We need to talk about this." Sam said as Dean just stared at him. "You know this thing with Katie. It's just awkward sometimes and I think we need to talk about it. We're not teenagers anymore, Dean."
"No, but I'm not the one that's awkward. I think you and Katie need to talk. This whole situation has nothing to do with me." Dean said before pulling open the door.
"Yeah it does, because I know what happened that night. You know right before Katie's dad made her pack up and leave." Dean stopped dead in his tracks. He stared at Sam as if he'd just grown a second head. "It was your fault. You and Dad told me it had something to do with her grades or something stupid like that but I knew it was you."
SsSsSsSs
The boys walked back into the room to find Katie already asleep where they left her. Dean scooted her to one side of the bed pulling to covers over her before getting in himself. He didn't look at Sam or even think about him being in the bed next to them. It was too hard. Sam had been right it was entirely his fault that she left.
"Dean," Sam asked looking up at the ceiling.
"I'm sorry, Sammy." Dean, doing the same, asked. Katie shifted closer to him as she heard his voice. She was only half awake and didn't know what they were talking about, but she knew it must have been one of those few times when they were actually good to each other, and she was sad that she missed it.
Finally I have figured out a way to hopefully keep the transitions a little more smoother with the (Ss)'s!!!! I know it might seem a little weird with the 'why Katie left' thing, but I promise that is going to be explained eventually. Please review!!!!