Katie's Journal pt. 2

I am feeling a lot better about this whole situation. I am becoming more relaxed around Sam, and I think it's about time. There are still times when it's awkward, but they are few and far between. I just feel really guilty sometimes. I just want to go back and tell him how sorry I was, and that it had nothing to do with him. The leaving anyway. I think he just felt like I abandoned him for something. I couldn't control it.

I have a new appreciation for 'I Know What You Did Last Summer'. Hookman has to be the worst hunt I have ever been on. It wasn't bad for all of us though. Sam had some smooching that he swears was just an accident for something stupid like that. I wish he would try to move on. I don't want him to forget about Jessica, but I do want him to find a little bit of love in his life. It's going to suck if he just mopes around.

I also think that Dean needs to try some new brothering tactics. I hate it when he pushed Sam into situations that he's not ready for, or doesn't want to be in. Dean is such a little bitch sometimes. Unfortunately I can't stop thinking about him. This makes me feel even worse. I hate the guilty pit that forms in my stomach when we're alone. It's almost as if I am pushing Sammy out of the picture.

In Oklahoma I couldn't help the thoughts of normalcy that came to mind. A house, family vehicle, the dog and picket fence. I would love to just have that for a day. But if it means leaving my boys, I'd pass a thousand times. Dean told me and Sam that he'd kill himself if he had that, but I know better. He might not wish for it like Sam or even me, but he wants to have a break. If anything else he just needs a break.

Maybe when all of this is finally over, we can slow down. Hunt every once in awhile. Live semi-normal lives. Have roots.

Yeah, that you be nice.

SsSsSsSs

Katie held her place on the firm mattress in the empty hotel room. The boys had gone to get food, and she had busied herself with her journal. She was glad that tonight she was going to have her own bed. The room had come with a couch, and she had offered to sleep on it. So technically she had her own couch, but still it was only built for one. She didn't like sharing beds with the boys in between hunts, or on hunts. There was a sense of possession that she felt and it made her uneasy.

She glanced down at her iPod, changing the song, and then returning to her journal. She hardly had any alone time with this job, and especially these boys, but she hated having it. There wasn't much she could do with twenty minutes in a run down hotel room. Katie thought about the times she'd spent with the Winchester boys when their father's had gone out on a hunting trip. They always came up with some way to amuse themselves for hours. Now that they were the hunters, amusing herself was the last thing on Katie's mind. She constantly worried and she was either recovering or mending someone's wounds from the last hunt.

That's exactly why she was here alone. She was still recovering from St. Louis. It had happened almost a month ago, but she didn't have much time to heal, and now it was just the soreness and bruising that was almost gone. Dean still asked her how she felt every time he saw her grimace for rub a sore spot. He still feel guilty for letting it happen to her.

Katie was pushed out of her thoughts when her cell phone buzzed in her pocket. She pulled out one earplug, thinking it was one of the boys wondering what she wanted for dinner, but she had a mild heart attack when she looked at the caller id. It read J. Winchester. She pulled out the other earplug, and sat up, quickly flipping the phone open.

"John," Katie thought she sounded frantic. She didn't want to scare him, but she couldn't believe he was calling her.

"Kat, how are you princess?" John asked her with a small laugh in his voice. She closed her eyes and thought of a good response. She had to tell him something.

"I'm okay, I've been really busy." She let that hang in between them, then something inside her snapped. "Chasing your sorry ass. What the hell is going on John? Do you realize that you left your son and me? He was heart broken, and Sam, don't even get me started on Sammy. You better have one hell of a reason, or I swear to God when I find you…" Katie couldn't finish her threat, because she knew deep down that she couldn't do anything to him. He was the only father she had left.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I had to go. I'm on it's trail." Katie felt her heart stop. Her blood ran cold through her body, and a sickening feeling formed at the bottom of her stomach, threatening to close off her air way.

"No, you couldn't have. It's been years. It has to be something else." Katie tried to reassure herself. She didn't want to believe that the demon that killed John's wife, and Sam's girlfriend, was stirring trouble. It had kept a low profile up until Palo Alto.

"Kat, you have to promise me that you will be careful. You're at risk just being with my boys. By the way…" John's hesitant voice shocked Katie. She knew he was worried about them, but he didn't want to talk to them yet.

"They're fine. Just a little bumped and bruised, nothing they haven't had before. They're not here by the way. I figured that would have been your first question. You couldn't have known I was alone." Katie said, but the silence from the other end of the conversation made her think. He had known she was alone, it was the only reason he called her. "You're here aren't you? John, why don't you just come and see us? They miss their father. I miss you, too."

"I can't, it's too complicated to get into right now. They'll be back soon. I want you to erase this call when I hang up. Call me in a couple weeks, I'll tell you what's going on, and if it's still safe for you to be with them. But only when they aren't around, you understand me?" Katie nodded shocked at what she was hearing, then realized that he couldn't see her.

"Yes, sir." Katie said quietly. She hated saying that, but it was the only way to let John know that she understood completely. "You're going to take me away again, aren't you?" Katie asked in a distant voice. She knew that was were this was leading.

"Maybe, they know that all of you are a weakness to me, which is why I left, but they could realize that you are a bargaining chip for all of us. It might be best if you go and stay with…"

"Yeah, I know the drill. I spent five years there. You promise you'll keep me posted. Every time I call I want specifics." Katie gave John her demands. She realized that she had almost gone back to a normal breathing routine, but she was beginning to fee as though an elephant was sitting on top of her chest.

"I promise, darlin'. Not a word about this to the boys. Don't tell them anything, and don't give them the slightest hint that you know where I am." John explained. Katie was beginning to hate his plan. She didn't like lying to her best friends, her brothers, her only family.

"Fine, but technically I don't know where you are." Katie told him.

"No, but you'll know where I'm not, and that's just as important. Let Sam and Dean follow my trail, but know that I'm not going to be there. I know it's not the best thing a father should do, but it's what I have to do to keep them safe." John finished. Katie lowered her head. She knew this had to be tearing John apart, just as much as the boys.

"John, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. You know I could never do anything to hurt you. I was just over reacting. If anything happens can I call you, secretly of course?" Katie asked. She wanted to know that she still had a father looking out for her. She hated not having her own Dad watching every move she made.

"Yeah, I'd like that. Just leave a message. And I'll try to pick up every once in a while. Just remember to erase it… I'm here for all of you." John finished slowly. Katie knew that he was about to hang up on her, but she just wanted to let it happen. Almost like it was a dying life. She wanted it to be quick, with nothing being left unsaid.

"Us too…" Katie said with tears stinging her eyes. She was about to be a balling mess, but she didn't mind. She heard Dean's car grumble into the parking lot of the hotel. John let out a slow breathe, she wondered if he was as upset as she was. Maybe he really needed someone that loved him to talk to.

"Well, it's time princess…" John's deep raspy voice told her, but he still hadn't canceled the call. Dean and Sam were at the door, and it almost felt like a forbidden love triangle or something stupid like that. Katie had to hide the love she had for the only father she had left.

"I love you…" Katie said slowly into the receiver. Dean and Sam had just walked in the door, Sam was the first one to notice the tears running down Katie's cheeks. Dean was still shocked from the 'I love you' he heard when he opened the door. He wanted to know who she was talking to.

"Me too…" John said as the line went dead. Katie tried to keep herself calm, but there was no way she was going take back those few moments with John. It almost felt like he died a little when he hung up. If she couldn't hear or see him, he might as well be, Katie thought.

"Katie, what's wrong?" Sam asked taking a seat next to her on the bed. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and let her cry into it. Sam gave a worried look to his brother. Dean came over and kneeled in front of them.

"Katie, did something happen?" Dean asked placing one of his hands on top of her knee. Katie looked at him briefly, but laced her fingers through his from the top. She like the feeling of having them so close. She didn't want this moment to end. Even though, she thought, it would have been better if she didn't have streaked makeup, and she didn't have to lie to them in the next ten seconds.

"It was a friend of mine from when I was gone." Katie felt both of their grips tighten on her. She had expected it from Sam, but from Dean was a surprise. "He said a hunter we both knew was in trouble. I guess I just overreacted a little bit. I guess I'm just tired." Katie let her head fall to Sam's shoulder, and she moved her gaze from Sam to Dean. She absentmindedly played with the ring on Dean's left hand, not noticing that their fingers were still entwined.

"You should eat, then get to bed early. It's been a rough couple of days." Sam speaking into her hair told her, he let his lips gently brush the top of her forehead. She found it soothing. But as she closed her eyes she felt the awkwardness fall into place.

Her mind drifted back to that cool spring night. She was wrapped in Dean's arms in the backseat of the Impala. This moment fit perfectly with that one. She was half laying on him, and he held her hands much like he was now. Instead of Sam's soft lips against her skin, it was Dean's bruised ones. She was never going to forget the way his lips felt on her body.

"Kate," Katie's eyes shot open. She had just let herself do that. She had let herself fall back into the worst memory she carried with guilt. She slowly pulled away from both boys.

"Yeah, what did you say?" Katie asked, honestly not sure who had spoken to her.

"I asked if you wanted to wash off before you ate?" Dean said moving toward her again, with a concerned gaze. She knew that it wouldn't be long before she was spilling everything, especially under Dean's eyes.

"Sure, I'll be right back." Katie said, she quickly slipped her phone back in her pocket and made her way to the bathroom. Once inside she did as she was instructed. She erased the call, and then she sat on the edge of the bath tub, turning on the water, she hid her sobs.

"How much of that do you think was a lie?" Sam asked his brother as they separated the food. It was obvious to both brother's that Katie had been upset about something a little more close to home than a troubled hunter.

"Some of it, maybe all of it." Dean said honestly. He hated having to worry about her, but it looked like that was something he had to do. "Maybe she should sleep with you tonight?" Dean's words caught Sam off guard.

"What?" Sam looked shocked, and Dean couldn't hide the laugh Sam's face brought to him.

"Just to sleep, Sammy. When she use to cry before, she'd go to you. I just figured it would be nice if she had that again. You two had a strong relationship. I just don't want to see that go away because of one stupid thing." Dean explained, hoping his younger brother would agree with him.

"I'll ask her, but I don't think she's going to say yes. It might be a little weird." Dean rolled his eyes. Everything seemed weird between Katie and Sam lately.

"Just ask…" Dean said, moving to sit on his bed and eat.

The night passed by slowly for Sam. He tried his hardest to stay to one side of the bed and not move, but with his tall frame it was difficult. "Move Sam, for God's sake breathe." Katie whispered, trying not to wake up Dean. She had said yes to this idea, because she thought Sam was going to be okay with it. Obviously he wasn't.

"Sorry, it's just this is a little…" Sam trailed off he didn't want to say it again. They both knew exactly what it was.

"It's also kind of nice, but only if you relax. Here," Katie turned to her side, away from Sam. She pulled one of his arms around her waist, then the other under her neck. At first Sam was hesitant, but once he was in the position it was actually really nice. Katie wrapped her fingers around his, trying to warm his freezing fingertips. "Thank you, Sammy." Katie said into the darkness. She knew that Dean was only a few feet away from her, but for the first time in five years she didn't need him to be with her to feel safe. She closed her eyes, knowing that she wouldn't be able to see anything. In only a few seconds she was breathing in a slow rhythmic pace. Sam knew she was sleeping.

"'Night, Kat," Sam said, laying his head against hers softly. He was glad that he was finally okay with being so close to her. It was like they were back to normal, well normal for them. He had his sister back. And that realization was enough to silence any nightmare that came to him that night.