Oswald the Ottoman

Chapter Three: The Hogwarts Sex Trade Wants YOU to Destroy Voldemort!

"Harry, I can't stand the way that thing looks at me!"

"It's not looking at you," Harry told Ginny soothingly. "It doesn't have eyes, it can't look at you."

"I still don't like it, it gives me the creeps," Ginny replied, crossing her arms across her chest, blocking the pathway to her breasts that Harry had just created. Harry groaned and put a few inches in-between them. Apparently, she wasn't trying to get some no-strings sex from him; apparently, Hermione had talked her into trying to talk some "sense" into him.

"It's an ottoman, Ginny," Harry replied, as he pulled his sweater back on, "as I've told Hermione several times."

Ooh, busted! Could Harry call it or what?

Ginny flushed and demanded after a too-long moment of thought, "What does Hermione have to do with anything?"

"I'm not going to get rid of Oswald," Harry huffed. "I've told you two a million times, he's harmless…as harmless as a fire hazard and late-night floor locating device can be."

Oswald walked around, quickly, in a small circle—a motion which Harry had discovered meant that he was feeling particularly smug. As if being an annoying stool was something to be pleased about.

Ginny huffed and said, "It's not even like it's useful! It won't even let you sit on it!"

Harry rolled his eyes and motioned to Oswald, "You'd have to be crazy to sit on a footstool that size! There's no way it could hold your weight!"

"My weight?!" Ginny screeched in offense.

"Oh god!" Harry exclaimed in disgust, "Here we go!"

Ginny began ranting and Harry hopped off the bed and grabbed Oswald from his place on the floor, settling him under his arm, and headed over to the dorm door.

"Bye, Ginny, I'll be downstairs when you finish being a bitch…well, I guess you'll be up here a while then," Harry opened the door and left as Ginny began yelling at him in outrage. He slammed the door behind him.

Harry looked down at the ottoman under his arm, its legs were lazily kicking as it was now used to being carried around. Hell, Voldemort probably thought this was the high life: all he did was wander around all day with people looking after him constantly, mainly his former arch-nemesis, and he was carried most places…probably doing wonders for his already huge ego.

"And they thought you were evil," Harry sighed and he headed downstairs, letting Oswald free once he reached the common room. Oswald immediately trotted away, presumably to find the group of second year girls who thought he was the cutest thing ever and would spend hours playing with him and petting him.

Yeah, Harry didn't understand it either…

Harry made his way over to Hermione and sat down next to her and replied, "So, Hermione, I think I might be gay."

Hermione blinked and looked up, her face extremely confused.

"Yeah, Ginny's just not doing it for me anymore…I was thinking since you were pimping her out to me, maybe you could send that cute fifth year Ravenclaw boy by sometime."

"I'm not pimping anything!" Hermione exclaimed in outrage.

"Really, because Ginny was just in my dorm offering me sex because you told her to…"

Hermione slammed her book shut and declared, "I have no idea what you're talking about! I have no control over Ginny's actions and if you would just get rid of the damn ottoman then we would both leave you alone."

"Now, Hermione you know I can't do that," Harry replied. "I can't just get rid of Oswald, because god knows what a footstool, prone to illegal activities, could get up to if left without adult supervision. I'm honestly doing the world a great service by keeping Oswald."

"You disgust me!"

"And you know, the irony here is that you owe me your life because I created that ottoman."

"There is no irony in that! As long as that ottoman is running around—"

"Playing with little second year girls and plotting creative ways to trip Seamus," Harry finished, "he's not trying to eradicate most of the earth's population. By making that ottoman, I destroyed Voldemort, and as long as Oswald is here no one has anything to worry about."

There was a thud and shrieking girlish laughter.

"…Except being tripped."