Oswald the Ottoman

Chapter Six: This Life Can Turn a Good Girl Bad

"I just don't know what to do!" Hermione cried, for once not talking about Oswald. "Crookshanks just won't sleep! He keeps us all awake and he keeps yowling—"

"Like a bitch in heat," Parvati added crudely, "I think Hermione should have it put down."

"That's animal cruelty!" Hermione exclaimed, horrified, and in much the same tone she added, "Harry! Get that thing off the table!"

"What's wrong with Oswald, Hermione?" Parvati demanded, "It's not like Voldemort's in there."

"Yeah, Hermione," Harry agreed, smirking, as he stroked Oswald's upholstery, "it's not like Voldemort's in there."

Hermione's face screwed up into rage, "Harry Potter! I have half a mind to—"

"Besides, I know why Crookshanks hasn't been sleeping," Harry replied.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, really," Harry replied, "and if you come by the dorm later, I'll show you why and give you something that will help him sleep."

Hermione looked skeptical, but the power of sleep deprivation compelled her.

"Fine, I'll come by after classes."

"Excellent," Harry replied with a smile as he stroked Oswald.

"So, what is it you wanted to give me?" Hermione asked as she entered the dorm.

"That," Harry replied, pointing over his old trunk.

"Why on earth would you give me your old trunk?" Hermione asked, looking confused.

"Well, I figured I would give it to you because it's apparently where Crookshanks has been sleeping," Harry replied, "Besides, it's completely ruined, why would I want it."

"It doesn't look completely ruined," Hermione replied, skeptically.

"Well, it is, maybe you should check the inside and see," Harry replied and he tossed the last of his robes into his new trunk.

Hermione flipped the trunk opened and Oswald flew out looking like Super(otto)man!

Harry threw out his arm and pointed, yelling, "Projectile ottoman!" Just as Oswald hit Hermione's chest and sent the both falling to the ground.

"That's it Harry!" Hermione yelled in outrage, completely unharmed, "This has gone on long enough! If you aren't going to cease this madness then I will!"

Hermione reached under her skirt and pulled out a foot longer!

…Knife.

A foot long knife.

Harry stared and demanded, "How the hell did that fit up there?"

"A regulation Hogwarts skirt goes from waist to knee, which in my case is exactly 21 inches, more than enough room to hide a knife of this size," Hermione replied, "but of course, it's simply not practical for me to carry this on my person at all times, so I created a portal—"

"There's a magical portal up your skirt?!" Harry demanded, staring at Hermione in a completely new way.

"There's a magic portal up every girl's skirt," Hermione replied smugly.

"This is like the scariest sex ed class I've never had," Harry declared, looking suitably freaked out.

Oswald, of course, was no less freaked out.

Suddenly Hermione remembered her purpose! She spun around to look at Oswald and raised the knife, declaring, "Your reign of terror ends now Voldemort!"

She advanced on the small ottoman, frozen in place in terror.

"Wait, wait," Harry exclaimed, "let me get this straight, since I didn't get the new script I don't know exactly what all's going on here—and apparently you forgot your monologue, so…"

"Monologue!" Hermione exclaimed in outrage, spinning around to glare at Harry, hands on her hip the knife jutting out threateningly, "I'm so not the bad person here! You have had the perfect chance to kill Voldemort since you've turned him into an ottoman and have you? No! So clearly, someone must make up for your epic failure at life and finish the job! I'm going to destroy this evil the best way one can ruin any piece of furniture!"

Hermione turned around and brandished the knife once more.

"Wait, so cats? You're going to set Crookshanks on him?" Harry asked, "But then why do you have the knife?"

Hermione sighed in exasperation, and explained, "Harry, I'm going to stab open his upholstery and rip out his stuffing."

Harry looked completely shocked.

"You can't do that!"

"Oh, I am going to!" Hermione declared firmly, in a way that only a petulant two year old…and Hermione…can pull off. She spun around and seized Oswald from the floor, immediately halting his attempted escape.

Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it at Hermione, "Let him go, now!"

"No! Never!" Hermione yelled and then, before Harry could stop her, she sliced into Oswald's nice leather upholstery and stabbed a few more times, just for good measure.

She then dropped Oswald who was no longer moving.

Harry dropped to his knees and scooped up Oswald's wooden frame and stuffing.

"Hold on, little guy," Harry said emotively, his eyes tearing up, "I'll get you re-upholstered immediately…I'll even let you pick out the fabric—just don't die!"

Then the door to the dorm was thrown open and Snape stood there, he looked over the scene silently for a few moments: taking in Hermione's cotton-covered knife and Harry crying over Oswald and promptly fell out of the doorway, laughing hysterically.

McGonagall took his place and demanded, "What is going on here!"

"She," Harry sobbed, "she killed Oswald!"

"Good job, Miss Granger!" McGonagall exclaimed brightly.

"Good job?!" Harry exclaimed in outrage, "Good job?! She's a murderer!"

"Well, just think, Mr. Potter, if you had just killed Voldemort like you were supposed to then she wouldn't be a murderer."

Harry stared at her and asked, "Do you even know how hypocritical that sounds?"

Harry completely fed-up with the situation, pushed himself to his feet and ran to Hogsmeade, hoping to find someone that could reupholster Oswald...hopefully before he died.