Chapter Thirteen

Teyla awoke, hearing hushed voices nearby. When she cracked open an eyelid, she saw Dr. Keller standing a short distance away with Ronon. Ronon looked tired, but at least he wasn't covered in mud and dirt any longer. His broken arm was in a cast and he cradled the immobile limb with his other as he asked, "Why haven't Sheppard and Teyla woke up yet? It's been a whole day."

Keller had a patient tone in her voice. "Teyla has awakened – not for very long periods at a time, but she's been awake. You have to remember, Ronon, she had surgery to repair her injury and she's fighting a nasty infection. She needs her sleep. She lost a lot of blood and while the transfusions have helped, it will take her a while to recuperate."

Keller sighed as she looked over at Sheppard's bed where John lay motionless. His pale skin almost faded into the white pillowcase under his head. The physician continued, "Colonel Sheppard has, along with three cracked ribs, had to deal with the effects of a deadly poison in his system and a severe infection of his own. He's in a very deep sleep state, which is very understandable. It will all take time, but I have every reason to believe they will both make full recoveries."

Then McKay said from across the room, "What about me? Does anyone care about me? I went through a hell of a lot, too, you know."

Keller gave Rodney a weary smile as she approached him. "Yes, you did, but if you continue to improve, you can go back to your quarters tomorrow. Unfortunately, Teyla and the Colonel will be with us a little longer."

"Yes, yes, I heard, full recoveries and all." He sighed, then said, "Good Lord, Ronon, could Keller have given you a bigger cast?"

Ronon glanced down at the cast that went from just below his shoulder all the way down his arm to include his wrist, then shrugged.

"It was a bad break at a bad place," Keller said in her defense. "Besides, Ronon likes to..." she paused before continuing, "likes to be rather rambunctious in his activities. This cast will ensure the broken limb gets its best chance at healing properly."

McKay grunted, then whined, "Whatever. Tell me this – why does my foot hurt more than my head if it's my head that's keeping me in here?"

"Because soft tissue injuries hurt more and can linger longer than actual breaks," Keller said, stepping closer to his bed.

Ronon grunted. "Just be glad your head is as thick as it is, or you'd really be in trouble."

"Ah, thanks, I love getting ridiculed while convalescing. You try being pleasant after being awakened every damned hour or two."

"Standard procedure with head injuries, and you do have a significant concussion."

Then Keller gestured with her hands. "Okay, enough talking. Ronon, I released you to your quarters to rest, not to sit in the infirmary for hours on end. Your teammates will be fine. Now, back to your quarters."

She turned to McKay. "And if you want to get out of here tomorrow, you better rest, too. So, just close your mouth, lie back, and relax a bit."

When nobody moved, she waved her hands again, gesturing to Ronon and McKay as she spoke, "I said, you shoo. And you rest."

With a reluctant sigh, Ronon left and McKay turned over in his bed. Teyla let her eyelids drift shut, but sensed someone at her side.

"Teyla?" Keller asked, her voice in a low whisper.

Teyla opened her eyes and Keller smiled broadly. She leaned closer and said, "I thought you might be awake."

Teyla started to talk but coughed instead, which made her side throb with pain. She heard herself groan and all she could do was try to breathe. When she opened her eyes, she saw Keller injecting something into her IV. The doctor discarded the empty syringe, then turned back to her with a cup of ice chips in her hand. "Try these. Anesthesia can dry out your throat."

Teyla let the ice chips melt in her mouth and was grateful for them. She said hoarsely, "I was not awake for long. I did not want to interrupt your conversation."

"How are you feeling?"

"My thoughts are slow and I am tired, but I am okay."

"Considering the severity of your infection and blood loss, along with suffering from exposure, I'd say you're doing better than okay. You and Colonel Sheppard have kept me hopping since we brought you back to Atlantis, but I'm pleased with the progress of both of you."

Teyla caught Keller's gaze and asked, "John will be okay?"

The doctor smiled and nodded. "It's going to take a few more days for his body to process the poison. The tissue damage around the bite itself was badly infected, but it appears that the course of IV antibiotics he's on is doing the job. He's a tough guy. I expect to be forced to using restraints to keep him in bed before long."

Keller's eyes sparkled with her sense of humor. She pulled out her penlight and directed its beam of light into Teyla's eyes. Keller checked a few other vital signs, then smiled. Teyla yawned, and Keller patted her on the shoulder, saying, "The pain medication will make you drowsy. Get some sleep. You're going to be fine."

Teyla nodded and closed her eyes. Sleep had almost claimed her again as she whispered, "Yes, I think you are right."

oOoOoOoOo

When they passed through the stargate going to Athos this time, Teyla smiled. Her perspective now was far different than her last trip and it was good to see Athos without the depth of grief she'd felt before. She was no longer searching for answers, instead she was proud of the ones she'd found.

Sheppard seemed to sense the change in her, too, and smiled. "The weather's a lot better this time."

"Spring on Athos is like no other world I have ever been to," she said quietly.

The sun was shining brightly in the late morning sky with only a couple high altitude clouds. The hillsides were covered with vibrant greenery and a sudden abundance of wild flowers. There were birds flying about and other forest wildlife scurrying around, going about their day, and Teyla enjoyed every moment of it. This was the home of her childhood. It would always hold a special place for her, but it was no longer the place she called home. She knew with certainty that Atlantis now filled that designation for her and she was content with it.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to do a flyover of the sinkhole and see it from above," Sheppard said, interrupting her reverie.

Teyla nodded. "It will be interesting to see."

None of them had been back to Athos since the accident, so when Teyla saw the full scope of its collapse, she gasped. Her gaze darted to Sheppard and they shared a moment of shock.

"Holy crap, will you look at that thing!" McKay exclaimed. "It's freaking amazing that we are still alive!" When Teyla glanced back at him, she saw that both Rodney and Ronon were on their feet to get a better look.

"It's more than a little disturbing to know we fell into that," Sheppard said after a moment.

"And lived to tell about it," Ronon added.

Sheppard circled the area one more time and then looked at Teyla. "Okay, this is your show, where do you want to land?"

Before she could answer, McKay said, "Wherever you choose, just make sure it's far, far away from that nightmare."

Teyla smiled and pointed. "There, on the other side of the ruins. Since we aren't staying the night or harvesting macca root, that would be the best place to land."

Sheppard nodded and navigated to the area Teyla had indicated. He was about to set down when McKay called out, "Hold on, don't land just yet."

Teyla and John both turned in their seats with questioning expressions.

Rodney was hunched over his laptop, typing in something very quickly, then he straightened and smiled. When he looked up and saw that everyone was staring at him, he said, "Just checking the sensors for the stability of the ground below us. It's good. There's a nice solid layer of bedrock beneath us, so everyone can relax. No unexpected surprises this time around."

Sheppard shook his head and turned back to finish landing, but there was an added look of relief to his expression. It had been six weeks since their ordeal and everyone was pretty much back to normal. Ronon was no longer wearing his cast, John had shed his arm sling, and McKay's limp was gone. All Teyla had from the injury to her side was a fading scar. Everyone was back to normal – whatever that was, she thought with a smirk.

She started to pick up her duffle bag she'd brought along, packed with the items she needed for the day when Ronon took the strap from her hand and carried it. "I've got it."

Then she picked up a covered basket, which Sheppard took from her. "If you had brought any more stuff, I'd have to ask if you were moving back here," he said with a wink.

She gave him a smile and shook her head. "No, I am not moving back here. My home is in Atlantis now. This is just a visit. And thank you both, John and Ronon, for your assistance," she said and led the way out of the jumper.

"So when are you going to let us in on why you wanted all of us to come on this trip?" Sheppard asked in a low tone as he came up beside her, "Especially since you made it obvious that you didn't want us along at all last time."

"You shall see," she said cryptically.

They arrived at the ruins of the old city moments later. She stopped at a section where there was an old stone wall in disrepair. It ran about thigh height and made for a good place to prepare things. "Give me a few moments," she said as she opened the duffle bag and began to set up.

McKay shot Sheppard a smug look, then said, "Teyla, allow me to assist you."

Teyla bowed slightly. "Why, thank you, Rodney."

Sheppard sounded a little incredulous and hurt that he was being left out of the loop as he sputtered, "What? McKay, you know what's going on here?"

Rodney nodded, then said, "I most certainly do."

"Well, spill the beans, what is it?" Sheppard asked, taking a step closer.

Teyla turned back to her work, but watched them out of the corner of her eye. Rodney pointed to her while looking at Sheppard, then made a zipping motion across his lips before he shrugged innocently. Moving quickly before John could comment, Rodney helped Teyla pull out the wooden serving tray. Teyla smiled at Sheppard who was still watching them with a frown and she sought to ease his distress.

"Yes, John, Rodney is familiar with this practice of my people. Give us just another moment and I will explain everything to you."

John took a few steps away, moving toward Ronon, who was leaning against the stone wall while Teyla handed Rodney a thermos of hot water, then pulled out a handmade cobalt-colored teapot and handleless cups, placing them on the tray. When she glanced over at them, she saw Ronon and Sheppard still watching them with marked confusion.

She smiled and took a deep breath, her fingers toying with Charin's necklace that she wore around her neck, its presence comforting in ways she could never put into words. Charin had helped her to heal...at least, the version of Charin who had visited her in her dream. She thought about the dream again, wondering if it had really been a fever-induced hallucination. Somehow, it felt more real than that. There were those among her people who would have called it a vision.

Whatever it was, maybe she could use the experience to help her team now that she had a better grasp of what she'd been feeling. She placed the tea leaves into the teapot and Rodney added the hot water. While it was steeping, she turned to Sheppard and Ronon.

"I wanted you three to accompany me back here for a special purpose, one I probably should have explained to you in advance...I apologize for that, but a part of me was afraid you would not agree to come otherwise. I wish to do the memorial tea ceremony for Charin, and I would like all of you to participate in it with me, especially since you all contributed to my renewed perspective. I told you before I was looking for something I thought I had lost..."

She took a deep breath. "Well, the answer had been with me all along, personified in your three, my dear friends – in hope and home and friendship. I just could not see that right away. Before our accident, I had planned to do the ceremony alone, but now it seems more fitting to conduct it with you present."

Sheppard's expression became more serious and Rodney nodded. Ronon gave her a knowing smile. She watched the three men for a moment, then turned back to her duffle bag and pulled out a small dark stone brazier about four inches high and five inches wide. She sat it atop the nearby stone wall, along with a slim bottle of amber liquid, a small bag with red bark sticking out of the top, her Athosian lighter, and a pair of scissors.

This time, McKay looked confused. She smiled at him and put a hand to his arm. "This is another of my people's practices regarding the recently deceased. I shall explain in just a moment."

Her words did nothing to assuage their confusion. Ronon tilted his head a little, then understanding gleamed in his eyes and he said, "This is also about Carson."

She nodded. "To honor his memory, to reflect our grief, and to acknowledge how their passing affects us personally, we take a small token of the person who died, along with a lock of our hair to signify our personal loss, then each person makes a simple statement about the departed. The flames and smoke bear our thoughts and prayers to those now gone. It is done to help us bring closure to their passing, but also to show our love for their memory."

As her words sunk in, she couldn't help but notice how Sheppard frowned nervously and how his stance became rigid. Ronon scratched the back of his neck, and McKay folded his arms in front of him. This is not going to be easy, Teyla told herself, but she pressed forward anyway.

"You do not need to participate if you do not want to. It is something I must do to honor Carson and acknowledge my feelings towards him. Your words do not need to reflect your innermost feelings. It can be as simple as a sentence or even a couple of words. Though, I warn you now, Carson had such a presence in my life, I think I will have a hard time limiting myself to a few words."

Teyla turned from her friends and placed the bark carefully into the brazier, arranging the sticks until she was satisfied with their position as she gave her team time to consider their roles in the ceremony. She removed the stopper from the bottle, her nose tickling at the released aromatic scent. She placed a few drops of the oil onto the wood, then put the resealed bottle into the bag and set it aside.

She touched her lighter to the oiled wood. It ignited immediately and the blue-green flames soon extinguished to leave the wood smoldering, giving off a pleasant scent that enfolded them even in the open air of the ruins. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then she looked at them and said, "Do I have anyone here ready to join me?"

There was a moment where nobody moved, and she prayed that all of her preparations were not for nothing, then Ronon nodded. "Yeah, sure, I'll do it. You don't need much hair, do you?"

McKay rolled his eyes. "As if you don't have an overabundance of it! Give me a break! When it comes to me, losing a little hair is a big deal – a very big deal. I was not endowed with the same hyperactive hairy gene that you and Sheppard have!"

Sheppard made a face at him and said, "Don't whine, McKay, it isn't becoming."

Rodney shot him a dirty look, then his gaze narrowed. There was a shift in Rodney's demeanor and he put his fists on his hips and said, "Well, okay, let's see you agree to do this – I'll do it, if you will."

John looked surprised by the challenge, then uncomfortable. He made a pained expression and shook his head gently, appearing to be ready to decline, then he glanced at Teyla and met her gaze. Something in him shifted as he looked at her. He let out a long breath and nodded.

Teyla smiled broadly. "Good," she said simply, not wanting to spoil the moment by talking further.

She reached into the duffle bag and took out a small picture she had of Carson with the team, something one of the kitchen staff took on Carson's last birthday, and placed it in front of the brazier, then she picked up the scissors and cut a lock of her hair, dropping it into the smoldering container. The hair caught fire immediately, adding to the smoke as it burned.

She looked at each one of them as tears welled in her eyes, the significance of the ceremonies they were about to perform touching her heart. She paused for a moment, trying to steady herself. She'd swore before she left that she wouldn't cry, but deep down she'd known that had been a promise she probably wouldn't be able to carry out. She licked her lips and placed her hands together, and began to speak.

"Carson saved my life after the explosion on Atlantis – just as he has pulled each one of you from death's grasp before."

She looked at Sheppard and added, "Some more than once."

Glancing at the picture of Carson with the team, she went on, "A healer is most blessed among our people, and a lifesaver the most revered. I have heard it said that home is not where you live, but where they understand you. Carson gave us a better sense of home every day he lived in Atlantis. While he didn't like us to be in harm's way, he understood why we have to do what we do. His caring actions made Atlantis more of a home for the rest of us. I will never forget him or his passion for life."

Once she was done, she gazed at the three men, waiting to see who would volunteer first, though she had her suspicions of how the order would go.

Of course, it was Ronon, her brother-in-arms, who made the first move, stepping closer to her, then he stood still as she walked around behind him and clipped a short tendril off one of his dreads. When she came back around him, she reached up and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, then she dropped the hair into the brazier.

Ronon approached the brazier, then cleared his throat. For a moment, Teyla was afraid he wasn't going to say anything, but then he began, his voice low and soft. "When I was on the run, I saw a lot of different worlds and people, but in all of that, I never met anyone quite like Carson. I don't trust easily, especially not back then, but Carson hung in there, determined to take care of me despite the conditions of where he was treating me – and because of him, it was easier to start trusting the rest of you. When I think back, I probably wouldn't be around today if it hadn't been for him. I'll miss him."

Then he stepped back.

She glanced towards Sheppard and McKay. After a moment, John stepped forward, bending slightly at the waist, so she'd have better access to his hair. She made a quick snipping motion and soon his hair was added to the brazier, joining the others as smoke on the wind. When Sheppard straightened, she put a hand on his cheek and held it there for a moment. John's stance was rigid but softened as he met her gaze, then he brushed at his hair as if putting it back in place.

McKay rolled his eyes. "Like you'll be able to tell the difference with those spikes of yours. My hair will be a different story entirely."

John glared at Rodney, then turned back to Teyla. As he did, he put a hand to the back of his neck and rubbed it as he thought. His gaze darted all over the place and Teyla thought he was going to back out of the ritual, then he let out a long breath and spoke, his eyes finally resting on the grass at his feet. "A doctor is supposed to save lives, it's what they do. But for Carson Beckett, that was never enough. He had to be a part of our lives, all of our lives, and he did it so subtly, I never really noticed it until he wasn't there anymore. He will be one of those people who will always stand out in the memories of my life."

When he looked up at Teyla, he sighed. The sadness in his gaze echoed her own, then he looked away as if he'd shared more of his emotions than he was comfortable with.

McKay nodded in agreement, then made a sound that was almost a whimper as he shifted uncomfortably. Teyla smiled at him, somehow guessing where his thoughts were now. "It does not need to be very much hair, Rodney," she said softly.

His shoulders slumped in resignation. "Just go ahead and do it."

She stepped behind him and found a lock that was a little longer than the others and could be cut without being too noticeable. She snipped it and put the hair into the brazier, then she turned to Rodney and squeezed his hand.

McKay sighed, rolling his head on his neck as if gathering strength, and then without moving, he said, "Carson always downplayed what he did, as if it was a little thing, but it wasn't. Like Sheppard said, Carson saved lives. I'll miss him...and not only because he was a doctor, but because he cared so much about the people in Atlantis – and because he was my friend."

Rodney's voice broke at the end and Teyla half expected to see tears fall, but they stayed welled up in his eyes. When he was done, he blinked a couple of times, and straightened his shoulders.

Teyla's gaze went to each man, sharing a moment of silent communication before she said, "I think all of us will miss him and we will most definitely never forget him."

Then she picked up the bottle and added more oil to the brazier, bringing the smoldering pot to full flame. She placed the photo into the flames. It resisted the fire for a moment as she said, "To Carson. May he always live in our hearts in a privileged place of honor and caring."

When she finished, the photo ignited in a bright flash of fire, then it was gone a few seconds later. They stood there for a moment, staring at the ashes, each involved in their own private thoughts until McKay looked up at her and said, "So, do we do the memorial tea ceremony now?"

She nodded. He moved to the teapot and started pouring the tea. Teyla smiled. "I have also packed a simple lunch for us to share before we head back home."

McKay smiled broadly. "Good, because I'm starving."

"What's new about that?" Sheppard asked, seeming relieved now that the tribute to Carson was done.

McKay finished pouring the tea, then paused, holding out the cup of steaming tea for Teyla. He bowed his head before Teyla's and moved until their heads touched. They stayed like that for a long moment, then Rodney spoke in a tone barely above a whisper, "We are here today to remember Charin because she was a great woman. She was very important to Teyla and that makes her very important to us."

Teyla felt tears well in her eyes, touched by the unexpected comment, her emotions too close to the surface because of the occasion. Rodney backed away and she looked up at him, then at Ronon and Sheppard standing right behind him. She was left speechless by what she saw in their eyes. Friendship, devotion, admiration – all of those things she held most dear were reflected in their expressions.

No one moved for a long moment until Rodney broke the spell. He turned and handed John and Ronon a cup of tea, then held his cup up in a toast. "To Charin. To Teyla. We are stronger for their presence."

Then he lowered his cup and cursed. "Damn, I said it wrong, didn't I? It was supposed to be we are stronger because – "

Teyla smiled and interrupted him. "I liked your version better, Rodney. Much better."

Her gaze took in all three men, her friends, her comrades, her teammates. Somehow, she also felt Carson's presence there too, along with Charin's. Grief could be a devastating thing, but once weathered, a strength within could be discovered, a strength that would carry throughout life. When she looked at the others, she saw a quiet strength in each of them, strengths she'd come to rely on.

She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to remember every word that had been said, every expression, the sunlight, the sounds of the forest, the scent of wild flowers, the ground under her feet – all in an effort to commit this special moment to memory for the rest of her life.

Somebody cleared their throat, probably McKay, then Rodney said, "I'm kind of hungry. Would it be poor manners to start breaking out the food?"

He stopped, blinking a few times as he put out a hand in Teyla's direction. "Ah, crap, I probably broke some other Athosian practice by changing the subject too soon, didn't I?"

Sheppard rolled his eyes and growled, "McKay, just shut up until Teyla tells us what to do next."

Teyla laughed and shook her head. "Next, we eat," she said as she opened the basket and began taking out items.

McKay cleared his throat as he spread a tablecloth on the ground, then sat waiting for his food. He said in a singsong tone, "I hear there's supposed to be some special cargo on the Daedalus when it arrives tomorrow."

"What's that?" Sheppard asked, joining him on the ground.

Ronon grunted as he sat and folded his long legs in front of him. "New movies."

McKay looked disappointed. "How'd you find out?"

Ronon shrugged. "I hear things."

Sheppard looked at Ronon with surprise, then at McKay with interest, "Oh yeah? Which ones?"

"Well, I was able to hack into – I mean, I accidentally discovered that it's quite a large selection of films."

As Rodney relayed the specific information, Teyla sat down beside them and began passing out the meal. The sunlight was warm and she reveled in its relaxing rays. She looked at each of her friends, again grateful for their presence in her life. They were like sunlight to her soul and she basked in their radiance.

The guys were already eating, swallowing the food in between bits of conversation. It appeared they all had quite an appetite. There was a peaceful tone to their discussion, as if they didn't seem as burdened as when they'd first arrived. Perhaps the ceremonies had helped them deal with their own grief a little easier. At least, she hoped it had, but their grief wasn't something that would be resolved over night. She knew that firsthand, but it was a step in the right direction.

She leaned back against the stone wall as she picked up her plate of food and discovered an appetite of her own. As she ate, she smiled as she listened to the rest of her team do what they did best – interact together in their own unique way – be it on a mission, in training, or at rest, and she simply enjoyed the moment.

oOoOoOoOo

Well, it's only taken me a year to get this story finished – well, actually the bulk of the story was written over the last three months – but a year from beginning to end. At first, it was just Teyla and John trapped in the sinkhole, but that didn't work out well. While I have no problem with shippers, I didn't want this story to be about romance, mostly cuz I suck at writing romance.

I wanted to write story with Teyla, mostly because she was the character who intimidated me the most, even more than McKay. So, it became a team fic; my fav kind of sga stories are team fics. If John is the ringleader, McKay is the brain, Ronon the brawn, that left Teyla to be the conscience for the team...though there are times when the team becomes Teyla's conscience.

I didn't really start the story in earnest until after I lost my father at the end of October, which spurred the quest for the answers to my own grief, and it wasn't just the grief of losing my father – it brought up issues of losing my mother a couple of years back, some dear friends, even my grandmother decades before. I found I never really resolve grief well. If I had a choice, I'd never deal with any of it, but then that wouldn't allow for growth in the midst of the struggle, so I prod along, doing the best I can with what I have available.

And writing is one of the best things I can do that channels emotional turmoil into something positive. I learned a lot about Teyla and I love her so much more than I did a year ago. She's an awesome character and one that I will write again.

Thanks to all of you for spurring me on to complete this story. And a special thanks to my dear friend and beta reader, Teprac S. Trust me, her suggestions made the final chapter ever so much better! She's a great writer in her own right and has taught me many wonderful things about the craft of writing. She always makes me a better writer – even if she does make every one of my stories longer and longer from her efforts! And I'm very lucky to have her as my friend.

Fin