"Sara….please Sara," he called out, waking himself from the nightmare. Sitting up in the bed, he tried to recall just what the dream had been about. All he could recall was Sara disappearing, just out of his reach. Something about it had frightened him, but he couldn't remember what. He tried to clear his mind. Hank, stretched out at the foot of the bed, was eyeing him expectantly. Finally, Gil crawled back beneath the covers, ready to attempt sleep.

The next time he woke up, he was yelling. He wasn't sure why he was yelling but he heard the sound of his voice in his ears and knew he was loud. Still unable to recall the events of the dream, he shook his head and tried to think of something else. Finally, he was able to drift off again.

The third time he woke up from the nightmare, Hank looked at him with disgust and jumped off the bed. Heading to his bed in the corner, he looked back at Gil with disappointment in his expression. Gil looked around the room as if there might be a clue to his dream. Of course, there was not.

He got up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink of water. As he stood at the sink, he realized that he was shaking. Using both hands to hold his glass, he made his way to the couch. His cell phone sat on the table. He set his glass down and reached for it. Dialing her number, he hoped that Sara would actually pick up.

"Sidle," she answered.

"Sara, its Gil…."

"Yeah…caller ID, you know," She bordered on sarcasm.

"Right. I, uh…I know you aren't ready to talk but….I had a nightmare and I needed to hear your voice, know you are okay."

"I'm okay, Gil." Her tone was flat.

"Okay. I….um…I miss you."

"Me too. But I can't do this….I need space right now."

"I know. I'm not trying to …"

She interrupted. "Look Gil, please, I'll call you when I'm ready to talk. I'm sorry you had a nightmare, but I'm okay. Really, I am." Her impatience was evident in her voice.

"So…you're feeling better then?" He was hopeful.

"Kind of. I don't know how to explain it. But …"

"Yeah….don't call, you'll call when you are ready." Anger was beginning to creep in again.

"I'm sorry, Gil. I know this is difficult for you and I miss you too. I just know that I have to do this…. I'll never be good for anyone else until I sort this out, because I'm no good for me. Besides, I couldn't keep doing the job and you're not ready to give it up."

"I ….. Yeah, it is a part of who I am."

"I know." She actually sounded if maybe she cared.

There was an uncomfortable silence. He wanted to continue talking but couldn't think of anything to say. Finally she broke the quiet. "Well, I have to go. I'm sorry you had a bad dream, but next time ….maybe call Catherine or Jim. I can't keep doing this." The impatience was back.

"Okay. I lo…" His heart broke again as he heard her phone go dead. Angrily, he threw his phone on the table. He watched it as it skipped across the table and bounced to the floor. He didn't want to be angry with her and so was getting upset with himself, which only made him angrier with her.

But at least she answered, he thought. Usually she doesn't even answer. And she's okay. It was just a nightmare….

He sat for a few more minutes, trying to calm down. All he could think of was the tone of her voice. All he wanted was to know she was okay. Why didn't she even want to talk to him….even a little? But she'd made it clear that she didn't. It hurt. It hurt so much that he felt like his chest would explode. The shaking wouldn't stop. Suddenly, he realized that he was crying. The crying intensified into sobs. Why was she cutting him off?

He forced himself to calm down. She needed this time, he told himself. It was her own personal journey to finally put her past to rest. Then perhaps, she could find peace. But he also knew that her attitude, her cutting him out….it meant that they were over. He tried to think about how good their time together had been but it just made him sadder.

Glancing at the phone, still on the floor, he remembered her words….."Call Catherine." Stepping over to it, he picked it up and found her in his call list. Pushing the button, he waited to hear the connection.

"Gil?" her sleepy voice answered.

"Yeah…oh, I'm sorry. I woke you up. I'll see you tonight."

"Its okay, Gil." She sounded concerned.

"No, I….I'll see you later." He hung up quickly.

Just hearing her voice had calmed him. But now he felt bad about waking her. Stretching out on his couch, he chastised himself for being so thoughtless. He should have known that Catherine would be sleeping. He'd have to find a way to make it up to her. Now that he was calmer, his eyes began to get heavy and he was soon dozing.

A knock at his door woke him sometime later. Stumbling across the room, he opened the door. It was Catherine. He saw the look of concern on her face and immediately gathered her into a hug. He was so relieved to see her.

The tell tale signs of his earlier sobs were on his face and alarmed Catherine. His hug added fuel to it. He rarely hugged anyone. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"I…um….I had a bad dream."

They walked to the couch and sat down. What was it about?" she asked.

"I'm not sure except Sara was in it. I woke up and was yelling. But I can't remember the details." He didn't want to admit how shaken he had been by the dreams…how frightened. But he suspected she knew. After all, she knew him as well as anyone did.

Watching him for signs of what was left unsaid; she realized that there was a lot he wasn't telling her. "Gil, are you …afraid for her, that something might happen to her?"

Bingo, he thought. She had read him. "Well….yeah."

"It's only natural, you know. After everything that happened with Natalie and all…. "

She had wondered how long he could keep those emotions all bottled up inside of himself. First the fear and dread with her kidnapping and the worry as they looked for her in the desert and then the euphoria of finding her alive, followed by the worry about their jobs and how that would be resolved. And then she just disappeared on him, leaving the note. He liked roller coasters, but this one was proving to be too much for even him.

Gil was thinking along the same lines. He had been so scared when Sara had been kidnapped, almost out of his mind with fear. After really bad cases, he often rode roller coasters to feel alive again. But Sara had done that for him in a way that the coasters never could. Loving her, being with her, awakened his senses in a new and exciting way. And now she was gone, out of his life…. And he was left to feel….what? "I know. But that's not all…."

Catherine waited patiently. She knew that he was processing things in his mind and wasn't able to verbalize them yet, but even if he were, he still might not want to. He was, after all, a very private person and tended to keep his thoughts and emotions to himself.

His deeply thoughtful expression began to change to one of trust as he looked at her. "I….I'm feeling all these things that I've never felt before. Well, not like this, at least…"

"Like what, Gil?" she asked quietly.

"Like…hurt, wounded almost. And….I have always been content to be on my own before but now…. And the worst, I think….I'm angry at her and I don't want to be angry. How can I be this angry at her and love her too?"

"Think about it Gil….we don't get so angry at the people we don't care about. We feel other things about them, but not this kind of anger. The people we care about have the greatest ability to hurt us, and often with hurt comes anger."

He looked at her, once again amazed at how well she understood emotions. He wished he was as smart about them as she was. But then he would have had to open himself up to all of those emotions as she had done. She was stronger than he was about that. Too much emotion frightened him…it clouded his thinking, his judgment, and left him without all of his self control. He had forgotten that with Sara and now he was paying the price.

She could see the thoughts spinning in his head. She just wished she knew what he was thinking. Whatever it was, she didn't feel good about it. And she didn't want him be alone right now. "Hey Gil, go throw some things in a bag and come sleep at my house; you can shower and change for work there too. Lindsey wouldn't mind having a fresh face at the dinner table either."

Gil looked like he was going to refuse but then something else crossed his face and she thought maybe he would agree. Then Hank padded through the room and Gil shrugged, "I can't leave Hank by himself for that long."

Catherine eyed the dog. "He's potty trained, right?"

Gil rolled his eyes, "Yeah."

"So bring him too. Lindsey would love it."

"Cath, I don't want to …I mean, you and Lindsey don't have to babysit me."

"Of course we don't. But we would enjoy your company and I think you could use a little of that too."

"Little of what?"

"Company."

He hesitated but finally agreed and headed for his room to 'throw some things in a bag.' He and Hank followed her to her house and she helped him get settled into her guest room. Tucked warmly under a blanket, he drifted off to sleep while Catherine headed to her room to do the same.

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So, how am I doing? Reviews anyone?