Random talking: Disclaimer dance! Pull down your pants do the disclaimer dance! UMSK UMSK UMSK UMSK. A lot of royalty used to be inbred but they put a stop to that because your mom told them to. No…wait. I probably should shut up right now since you want to read the crackfic I mean fanfic but my fingers won't stop typing. They're possessed. By typing demons. Why do people blast their music so gods-damned early in the morning? Or late at night? Why do they blast it anyway? No one like your stupid rap music, person who is in the room under mine and who shall soon feel my wrath when I find out who they are because I shall give them bloody weasel kick. Is this a run on sentence or just a rambling rambly thing? My thesaurus died. And I don't own the anime because if I did I would be able to finally drink milk without feeling icky.
Fun Times at Atom Academy
(Or "Proof That I Have No Life")
story, insanity, random plotting by Zero Rose
episode two: "The First Day"
It is a time of honor. It is a time of turmoil. It isthe First Day of school at Atom Academy.
Chibi-Usa had not slept well the first night in the dorm. She missed her family badly, she didn't have a room mate so she was lonely, and someone across the hall had decided that blasting "Crank That" at three o' clock in the morning would be fun. So that morning when she trudged all the way to the auditorium and sat in that cozy, comfy, chair…she fell asleep right away.
Then she felt something poking her. Then she heard a voice, "Nyu….nyu…nyu…nyu…"
Chibi-Usa opens one eye to see a red haired girl with tiny horns sticking out of her poking her intently. A boy with short, black spiky hair nearby grabbed her hand and led her away.
"Nyu, stop bothering her." said the boy, yanking the girl away.
"Nyu!" protested the girl, Nyu apparently.
Forced out of her stupor, Chibi-Usa looked around the auditorium as it slowly began to fill up. There were so many different people. She spotted several cute guys, beautiful girls, intimidating seniors and…a gorilla? She blinked twice and looked even closer to see that there was a gorilla sitting amongst the student.
I must be more tired than I thought, she thought.
Then Chibi-Usa saw Naruto sitting an aisle down from her. He stuck out his tongue at her and she did the same.
"Good morning, Chibi-Usa!" said Chiyo-chan, walking down the aisle and sitting next to the older girl.
"Oh, hi Chiyo-chan." said Chibi-Usa, "When did you get here? It's still early."
"My Daddy works here, so I'm always here really early."
"Really? Who's–"
The auditorium was immediately hushed. The lights dimmed. One by one, twenty four adults filed in and sat on chairs placed on the auditorium stage. Lastly, a very small boy wearing a brown suit walked up to the podium in the center of the stage. The podium was taller than he was (and thicker as well), so he had to stand on a chair in back of it.
"Good day." said the small boy.
"Who's that?" whispered Chibi-Usa.
"Dean Tetsuwan Atom," Chiyo-chan whispered, "His great grandfather started the Atom Academy in 1952 and his family has always been dean."
"Why is he…so….tiny?" asked Chibi-Usa.
"Everyone in the Atom family suffers from dwarfism. They're all that size." Chiyo-chan said.
"It is nice to see the smiling faces of students awaiting to receive the finest education there is." continued Dean Atom, "I remember my days as a student here, the classes, the friendly peers, the supportive teachers…good times, good times. And speaking of teachers I have some great news - we now have our own nurse! Will everyone please give a warm welcome to Nurse Hyatt, please?"
A woman with purple-black hair stood and bowed as the students clapped. She smiled, feeling welcomed somewhere for the first time in her life, and then coughed blood on the entire first row. The seniors, who were sitting in the front row, all wore an equal look of disgust.
"Uh…well, that's what nurses are for!" chuckled Dean Atom to hide his nervousness.
Nurse Hyatt nodded and then sat down.
Dean Atom continued: "And we also have a new music teacher. Will everyone give Spiegel-san a warm welcome?"
The students clapped but no one stood or approached. A minuet woman with short purple hair and revealing gold clothing stood and whispered something to Dean Atom.
"What? What do you mean 'hung over'? No, I don't understand. This is the first day of school and…" murmured Dean Atom. He turned to the student body, "I'm sorry but Spiegel-san isn't here. Will everyone please give his substitute Valentine-san a warm welcome?"
The student body clapped for the woman, who seemed to not care either way.
"And last but not least we have a new theatre teacher – a veteran at her work. Everyone please welcome Chiyoko-san." said Dean Atom.
An elderly woman in a kimono stood and bowed. Dean Atom left the podium and the woman stood at it with a smile on her face.
"It is an honor to work for such a famous school that does so much to help the children of Tokyo-4." said Chiyoko, "I truly love working with young people. When I was your age I didn't have the opportunities you have now with your iPods and your DVDs and your YouTube and your Internet and your color television and your telephone. I remember coming to see the Atom Academy and all this used to be orange trees! A whole acre of orange trees…"
Three hours later…
"…and I said to Atsuko that if you weren't going to give Mima her medicine, at least give her something to make her stop hallucinating but oh Atsuko never listened and that's why Mima stabbed her, although she had it coming," said Chiyoko, "and she still won't talk to me. That reminds me of the time Seijiro Inui and I…"
Students had either fallen asleep, snuck out of the auditorium, or were trying to keep themselves preoccupied by now. Chibi-Usa had fallen asleep again and even Chiyo-chan, who had strained to stay awake, fell asleep. Eventually, one of the teachers on stage pulled out a blowgun and shot a dart into Chiyoko's neck. The woman collapsed and two other teachers carried her off stage.
"Thank you, Heero." said Dean Atom.
The student body applauded the heroic action. The teacher nodded.
"I suppose now would be a good time to start the day. Everyone please go to your classes and have a wonderful day." said Dean Atom.
10:00 AM – Home Economics
A short, blue haired with long ponytails girl stood at the front of the class. Sitting next to her on her desk was a strange, fuzzy, animal.
"Hello class!" said the girl, "I am Sasami-sensei and I will be your home economics teacher and this is my helper Ryo-OhKi. I hope we're going to have a lot of fun in this class."
"Yo, sensei!" said Naruto.
"Yes?" asked Sasami-sensei.
"You're not a teacher. You're way too young." said Naruto.
"You should show more respect to Sasami-sensei." said Chibi-Usa.
"Shut up, pinky." replied Naruto.
"Well, I'm very good at what I do." admitted Sasami-sensei.
"I have a question." said a blonde boy, "I happen to be a guy. Why do I have to take this course?"
A frying pan collided with his face.
"Home economics is very important!" proclaimed Sasami-sensei, "Everyone has to learn how to cook, clean, and mend on their own! The real world is a cold place and your parents won't be there to do everything for you!" She sighed, "Out there right now, college students waste their lives away eating bowl after bowl of instant ramen and microwave meals simply because they can't cook. It's tragic! That's why you must learn how to cook! Not only for you to get a passing grade but for yourselves! Now, let's get to work!"
The first classroom assignment was to boil noodles. Everyone had been broken up into groups. Unfortunately, Chibi-Usa was grouped together with Naruto.
"This is boring." said Naruto.
"Don't you ever shut up?" grumbled Chibi-Usa.
"But I'm bored. Bored. BORED." said Naruto.
The other student in the group was a silent girl with two black buns and wearing a red shirt. As Chibi-Usa and Naruto argued, the girl poured water into a pot, turned on the Bunsen burner and when the water boiled she added noodles.
"Wow, you did it!" Chibi-Usa said, turning away from Naruto for a minute.
The girl smiled.
"Can you even talk? Are you retarded or something?" asked Naruto.
The girl made a face and said something insulting in a foreign language.
"Very good, Pucca!" said Sasami-sensei when she walked by, "I heard your family owned a noodle restaurant back in Korea."
The girl, Pucca, nodded.
"You're from Korea? Wow!" said Chibi-Usa, "I know a Korean girl!"
Pucca nodded.
Sasami-sensei then moved on. She looked at the next group: Ed, Edward, and Chiyo-chan.
"They look icky." commented Ed, by which she meant the noodles.
"Ed's right." said Chiyo-chan. She looked at their Bunsen burner, "Maybe it's broken so it's not boiling right."
"No prob! I can fix it!" said Edward. He pulled out a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew something around the pot.
"What are you doing?" asked Ed.
"I can easily boil the water using alchemy." replied Edward.
Edward clapped his hands and pressed the chalk outline. The outline flashed a blue light and the water began to boil furiously.
"Amazing!" said Chiyo-chan.
"Nothing to it." said Edward with a smile.
Sasami-sensei walked by and looked at the pot.
"You're doing very well." said Sasami-sensei.
Her judgment would change since the pot refused to stop boiling. It simply increased. Vapor filled the room, glasses and windows fogged up.
"Edward, make it stop!" said Sasami-sensei.
"I don't know how!" said Edward.
The bottom of the metal pot began to spark and melt from the intense heat. Smoke rose up to and the sprinklers went off along with the fire alarm.
"We're all going to die!" someone yelled.
"No we're not! Everyone stay calm!" said Sasami-sensei.
It was too late. Students ran out of the room as smoke and steam rose and that was how Chibi-Usa's first class was dismissed.