Outtake Reel
I believe it's that time of fic again where we must plunge deep into the workings of 21st maniac studios. To uncover what goes on behind the scenes of such hits as…
Me: Whoa whoa whoa. Who the hell are you?
???: Hey buddy calm down, I just got here
Me: So you think that gives you the right to do an introduction into my outtake reel? This isn't you've been framed. So get out.
???: Fine… (leaves)
Me: Ah, now that that problem's taken care of. There will now be more wit than an episode of faulty towers, more innuendo than Family Guy. And more general ignorance than QI. Well at least the last one's true…
---
Akalara: So why are we back here again?
Me: Because you all signed extension contracts.
Akalara: Kandi…
Kandi: What? He said he needed those forms filled if we were ever get to do more smut here.
Akalara: So there's gonna be smut?
Me: Yes… in a manner of speaking.
Katrina: So who are we screwing? Vincent, Cloud, Sephiroth?
Akalara: Mine!
Yuffie: And why am I here again?
Tifa: Yes, you haven't actually explained this fic apart from the possibility of smut.
Me: Well… its starts off as drunken humour.
Tifa: So this is a spin off of Cue?
Me: Yes in a manner of speaking, it fits into chapter 3.
All the girls: WHAT?!
---
I do believe I lost the use of one of my ears that day. Not a good start to the new fic.
---
Leaving the seventh Heaven was the beginning of what was to be a long night for the seven ladies. 5 assassins, one ninja and a martial artist who has a chest that has lead to, let's say some unsavoury jokes involving silicone.
Tifa: What jokes about silicone?
Rest of cast: (Nervous whistling)
Tifa?
Me: Not it!
---
Apparently Cloud was the last person to say 'Not it'. We were picking blonde hair out of the scenery for ages.
---
"Then how come you got an orgasm after killing something?" Yuffie asked
"What?!" Tifa was really getting angry now.
"You know when Cait Sith was spying on you, whenever you pummelled something to a bloody pulp, you did that little stretch afterwards"
"I have to stretch my muscles after a fight to avoid, you know, cramps!" Tifa said defensively
"Then what about that look on your face, especially after you put Reno in that hold, I mean shit, I didn't know someone with such a big chest could be so agile. I couldn't fuck him for a month after that incident," Akalara said, ordering another set of shots before continuing "every time, you got the look on your face as though someone was going down on you."
"Wasn't just Reno either" Elena said " Yuffie is my witness to the fact that you also had 'fun' beating me to shit."
Tifa: I do not!
Me: Calm down Tifa, its just in the story. It's not necessarily true.
Tifa: (entering fists of fury mode)
Me: Oh shit.
---
According to the doctor I woke up seeing, it was true.
---
"Fuck girl, you've gotta teach me how to do that." Yuffie commented
"Nah, you're too flat." Katrina retorted.
"Oh you are so getting owned for that one."
"Bring it on."
"Its already brung."
Both girls paused for a moment at the ninja's last comment. "Lame."
Me: Hey don't blame me, I'm not the writer here.
Yuffie: Yes you are.
Me: Touché
Yuffie: Okay… (backs away nervously)
Me: The things I have to put up with for my art.
Yuffie: You're not an artist.
Me: Shut up Yuffie.
---
And that's how I got this shuriken wound.
---
3 bars down… a number yet to go. That was one of the problems with any sort of bar crawl. You loose count after the second… or was it the third… whatever, the point is you loose count on the number of bars you drink at. As well as forgetting which one was next on the list so it was not an uncommon occurrence to walk into the wrong bar.
Say accidentally walking into an all male gay bar for one thing.
Hey, it can happen!
Ram: The voice of experience there.
---
Note to self; Kill off Ram's character for that remark
---
"Hey, maybe this place isn't so bad. I mean look at all the guys here. They're so desperate for some action that they're making out with themselves!" Akalara said.
"I don't think they're practicing…" Tifa said.
"Oh." The Turks said in unison, realising what kind of bar this was.
"Oh…" Their tone picking up, indicating an interest.
"Ohhhh!" Now smiles plastering their faces, the imaginations running wild.
"Oh." They said dejectedly.
Reno: Giggity!
---
Note to self; Also prevent Reno from watching anymore family guy. He's getting out of hand.
---
The Turk charged into the scene, followed by the remainder of the Turks and Yuffie. They were just to eager for them not to have a fight. The drunks were quickly dealt with, not as fast as they would have done normally but bare in mind the copious quantities of alcohol consumed.
"Umm excuse me… they're picking up the tab." Tifa said to the barman, pointing towards the women who were decimating the regular patrons.
Elena: I ain't picking up no tab bitch! (Charges at Tifa)
Tifa: Bring it Turk. I've kicked your ass before and I'll do it again (they fight)
Cloud: (watching fight) um… isn't this the part where you tell them its not real and just part of the script.
Me: No… I think its good just to let them work this out of their system.
Cloud: Yeah
Me: I'm right.
Cloud: Yeah your right. (Both our heads tilt to the side to get better view at Tifa and Elena)
Me: Got any popcorn?
---
No the tape was not recording for that take. Re did a re-take of that scene and binned the Elena and Tifa footage. Honest!
---
"Hey can you get Blondie, that Green Bitch, her friends and Silicone Sue out please?" A thunderclap was heard
(nothing happens)
Me: I said "A thunderclap was heard!" (still nothing) Where's my damn thunderclap? Cut! Who's in charge of sound systems here?
Kandi: Um… didn't you put Kadaj there?
Me: Really? Then why isn't he? (Sees Kadaj being dragged away by rabid fan girls) ah. Kandi? Be a dear and phone his replacement. The one least likely to be carried away by rabid fan-girls. Prefereably not going to be carried off by rabid fan-girls.
Kandi: So your asking me to find a silver haired pretty boy who won't be carried away by rabid fan girls?
Me: Is that so hard?
Kandi: …
Me: Oh yeah…heh.
---
So we sent Vincent to manage the sound system from now on. He lasted 20 minutes before being carried away by rabid fan-girls. Or was it Yuffie? What's the difference?
---
"Yeah, and if someone takes advantage of her sexually. Its like she turns into the incredible Hulk or something."
Tifa: TIFA SMASH!
Me: not litterally Tifa, sheesh, if I knew you were going to be like this I would have revived Aeris(th). (Has barstool thrown at me) Ahh!
---
Yeah, don't mention the A-word replacing the T-word. Take my advice on this. Not good. Sure they're best friends and all but they both have serious jealous streaks.
---
"Hey Joel. I know I'm hot but can you keep your hands off me, at least until Rude leaves the building. He's the jealous type." Kandi said smirking back at Joel.
"Yeah, I know." Joel admitted, that party at Seventh heaven still clear in his mind despite the booze.
"Fuck." The Amazon cursed
"Fuck what?"
"If you were interested with me you'd say I was worth the risk or some romantic crap. Guess I don't have powers over every man in the building." Kandi sighed, returning to the computer screen.
"Powers?"
"Yeah. Like the ability to chose what men say and shit."
Yuffie: 4th wall! You're breaking the 4th wall!
Me: and thus I say 'WTF is with her?'
Niki: The great Spiderroth shall consume all! (thunderclap)
Me: That's it I've had enough ADD for one day. Where's the secret booze which Tifa hasn't confiscated off me which I stole from AT productions got to?
---
Still don't know where that last thunderclap came from. Vincent had already been kidnapped and I was sending the entire cast of FFVI to rescue Kadaj (he was under contract) so I didn't know who was controlling the sound at the time. I think 21st maniac studios is haunted.
---
"Just hear me out
If it's not perfect I'll perfect it till my heart explodes
I highly doubt
I can make it through another of your episodes
Lashing out
One of the petty moves you pull before you lose control
You wear me out
But it's all right now
Lets go home and get stoned
We could end up makin love instead of misery
Go home and get stoned
Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me
You wear me out 'We could end up making love instead of misery'
But it's all right now
Without a doubt
The break up is worth the make up sex you're givin me
Lets hash it out
Cause your bitchin and your yellin don't mean anything
Don't count me out
I can handle all the baggage that you're carrying
You wear me out
But it's all right now
Let's go home and get stoned
We could end up makin love instead of misery
Go home and get stoned
Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me
You wear me out 'We could end up makin love instead of misery'
But it's alright now
Lets go home and get stoned
We could end up makin love instead of misery
Go home and get stoned
Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me
Go home and get stoned
We could end up making love instead of misery
Go home and get stoned
Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me
You wear me out
'We could end up makin love instead of misery'
But it's all right now
'Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me'
Lets go home and get stoned
Lets go home and get stoned
Lets go home and get stoned
Lets go home and get stoned."
All the girls: SQUEEEEE!
Me: AHHH! My other ear.
---
Shit, what was with those girls. I just mention Hinder and they explode in a Squeee-ing frenzy. If someone knows the answer to this please send it on a postcard to 21st maniac studios.
---
However, in Kandi's excitement to get up on stage and perform (no doubt, down to the alcohol) she had forgotten that she can't sing for shit. The reaction of the live audience was not overall positive. Sure there where a few whoops and yells from Yuffie, but apart from the main group… it didn't go over too good.
Zack: I liked it.
Kandi: OMYGOSH! MINE! (Glomps Zack and drags off to stage 69)
Me: Huh, didn't think we had one of those installed.
Katrina: You didn't we just figured as long as we were here we might as well take stage 69 with us.
Me: Oh. (realisation dawning) Fuck! Get it back! Get it Back!
---
Hopefully it was back before AT productions realised anything was missing. That was costly… I had to ask for favours from people I've never even met. The procedure cost 100 thousand gil, don't ask me how I got it, but its back there. Kandi and Akalara just have to put up with the walk, or car drive, or whatever now.
---
(After recording the Orgy)
Me: Wow… that was brilliant ladies. Bloddy brilliant.
Kandi: Okay, now can we please re-affirm ourselves? I don't want everyone to think that we're lesbians.
Me: Zack's over there, go nuts. And Sephiroth is over there for you Ak. Vincent is there for Katrina, Reno's for Yuffie, Tseng for Elena, Cloud for Tifa. And that's everyone.
Ram: Ahem.
Me: Oh shit. Sorry Ram. couldn't get hold of Sage. You could join in with Yuffie or Kandi if you want to.
Ram: No. I'll be fine, I do not need sex to make myself feel relaxed about awkward situations that question my own sexual nature.
Me: We got Kadaj back.
Ram: Shotgun! (Dashes off to molest Kadaj)
Joel: So is this going t be in the final fic or what?
Me: Um… special… directors cut… edition?
Joel: Works for me.
---
Heh, auctioning off that footage was the easiest million I'll ever make. Rufus has some deep pockets for certain items. I'll tell you that much.
---
Okay so there's the outtake reel done. I know its soon after the finale but Its now done and dusted. So thanks for reading.
This has been a 21st century maniac production. Please leave your sanity in the designated bin.