Zuko's Life and Why It Has Some Significance #2
Zuko: sitting on the beach, slurping a pina colata out of a coconut glass I have absolutely no recollection of how I got here, but hey! I'm under aged and drinking an alcoholic beverage! Not only that, but I'm on Miami Beach! How cool is that! I have no idea where or exactly what Miami Beach is, but hey! I'M ZUKO! I CAN COPE!
Author…sure, you can………a thought bubble appears over her head, recalling SEVERAL episodes where Zuko could not cope
Iroh: wearing a blue Hawaiian print bathing suit. He walks up to Zuko and a beach chair pops out of nowhere. He sits in it and applies some sun tan lotion to his arms Ah…this is the life, isn't Zuko?
Zuko: It sure is! Hey! Was that one of those rare moments where I actually speak civilly to you!
Iroh: blinks in confusion Oh my god, you're right! This calls for a celebration! suddenly a samba band pops AGAIN out of nowhere
Samba leader: RRRRUMBA! bangs away on bongo drums. Because his eyes are closed in merriment, he misses the drums and starts beating on Zuko's head
Zuko: WTF, mate! dropping the coconut glass and standing up, infuriated
Iroh: LOL!
Zuko: Since when do you know internet lingo?
Iroh: Since I've been down with the shiznit! DUH!
Zuko: But…this isn't really a laughing situation
Samba Leader: RRRRUMBA! continues to bang on Zuko's head, although he can hardly reach, so just his finger tips are actually touching the prince's head
Zuko: WOULD YOU STOP IT ALREADY?
Sometime later
Zuko and Iroh: sleeping peacefully under the Miami Sun. Suddenly 5 cop cars surround them. Abruptly, they are handcuffed
Zuko: What is the meaning of this!
Iroh: still sleeping
Crocket (from Miami Vice 1): You, my friend, and your uncle, are gonna be doing some time…Miami Vice style Miami Vice theme plays
Iroh: twitches in his sleep
Zuko: What was that totally off-key and lame 80's music that just popped out of nowhere…again?
Tubs (from Miami Vice): You don't like it? Well…we'll make sure that you hear it ALL the time when we take you downtown to do time…Miami Vice style! theme music plays again
Zuko: yeah…it really sucks
Crocket and Tubs: angry silence
Zuko: In any case, what are we being arrested for?
Crocket: You, sirs, are being arrested for illegally entering the United States without a passport. Also, it seems that you're mass-murders.
Zuko: WTF, mate? What the heck is the United States?
Samba leader: Hola, senors!
Crocket: The Drug Dealer! pulls out his gun and chases after the samba leader STOP! NYPD!
Zuko: uh…don't you mean MPD? Humph! Incompetent authorities…
Tubs: shoots Zuko a look of hatred and gets into a cop car. He sits in the front seat and buckles his seatbelt with a cheesy grin and thumbs up. He suddenly becomes somber and takes a big breath Oh, Cop Car of Majestic Miami Beach: Lend me your awesome crime fighting powers so that I may become "Super Crime Fighting Gas Guzzling Cop Car MAN!" his voice echoes in the way that all stereotypical pilots of huge-ass robots do and Tubs thunders away
Random Chorus: TRANSFORMERS! ROBOTS IN DISGUISE! TRANSFORMERS! MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!
Zuko: …what the hell? scratches his head OW! SUNBURN!
Iroh: suddenly awakens That's what happens when you don't use sun block! falls back asleep
Aang: Not only that, but you can get SKIN CANCER!
Zuko: The Avatar! runs towards Aang
Aang: And did you know that the NY lotto is over two million dollars! rips off his face to reveal himself as that annoying guy on the NY Lotto commercials
Zuko: AAAHHHH! NERDS! screams like a woman from a '50's horror movie
Crocket: Goddamnit Tubs! You've squashed another suspect!
Tubs: Sorry! Gosh! Lame reference to Napoleon Dynamite the robot transforms back into a cop car
Crocket: looks at Zuko and Uncle Iroh Anyways, as I was saying before…apparently, you're mass-murders.
Zuko: What's that supposed to mean!
Crocket: Well, it seems that you're responsible for the total ANNIHALTION of a group of people, formerly known as "The Air Nomads"
Tubs: Probably some type of cult…
Crocket: Oh, and not only that, but you're wanted for littering!
Zuko: When did I litter? What exactly did I litter!
Tubs: points to the coconut glass that Zuko dropped earlier
Zuko: looks from the glass to the two cops and back again You guys are complete idiots! Hello? IT'S DECOMPOSABLE!
Crocket and Tubs: give him a blank stare
Zuko: looks at them like they're complete idiots Are you kidding me…?
Crocket: No, we're not. And where you'll be going, you'll find that people don't tell many jokes…
Zuko: Okay, listen: I know it's hard for you, but you've got to stop using those lame lines! They're not cool anymore! No one thought they were cool to begin with!
Tubs: froths at the mouth
Crocket: Okay, mister! You've just earned yourself 25 to life! brings Zuko around and forces him into the car. He places his hand on Zuko's head and tries to push him into the car
Zuko: GYAA! SUNBURN, DAMNIT! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT MY HEAD IS SUN BURNED?
Tubs: growls a Zuko (Tubs was the one who said most of those lame lines with really obscure puns) and attempts to say something
Crocket: No, we can't see killer's pain
Zuko: MY HEAD IS BALD! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE IT? UNCLE, UNCLE, HELP!
Iroh: reaches for a pillow that has appeared out of no where…again…and rolls over, covering his ears
Zuko: to audience wow…this is really inconvenient…HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY!HELP!2 OH, IS THERE NO ONE TO SAVE ME!
Suddenly, a band of girls all dressed in camo and army boots comes running over the sand dunes
Author: There he is! puts away her binoculars Come on, girls! Zuko needs us! goes running over the dunes with other crazy girls running after her AHHHHH! STEREOTYPICAL AND LAME CHARGING INTO BATTLE NOISES! AHHHHH! the girls reach the cop car and start trying to tip it over. Some of them run around and get Zuko out of the car. They lift him up and carry him out
Zuko: WHY! WHY IS THIS MY LIFE!
Fan girls: BECAUSE IT MAKES US LOVE YOU EVEN MORE!
Author: carrying a gas tank LET'S SET THIS FKER OFF! pours gas on the flipped over car and throws a lighted match onto it
Cop Car of Majestic Miami Beach: as it is burning…goodbye, Tubs…
Tubs: NOOOOOO!
Crocket: Tubs come on! We need to leave! There's no way we can combat these crazy girls obsessed with magical anime characters!
Katara: IT'S NOT MAGIC! IT'S WATER-BENDING!
Author: ACK! sees Katara and her right eye starts twitching DESTROY HER! an army of fan girls marches after Katara with bayonets
Katara: AAHH!
Suddenly, the car explodes. The immortal robot in disguise--
Random Chorus: TRANSFORMERS! ROBOTS IN DISGUISE! TRANSFORMERS! MORE THAN MEETS TH--
Author: Would you just shut up!
Zuko: So…you're the author?
Author: EEEKSS! turns to her fan girl army HE TALKED TO ME!
Fan Girl Army: EEKSS!
Random soldier: Ask him what his number is!
Random soldier #2: Oh, oh! Ask him his favorite color!
Random soldier #3: Ask him what's on his boxers today!
Zuko: Excuse me taps author on shoulder Hello? Earth-to-whoever-you-are!
Author: starts babbling uncontrollably and crying
Zuko: uh…backs away cautiously
Author: inhales and exhales really deeply Okay, I'm ready! kneels down and presents Zuko with something Zuko…would you take us…to be your lawfully wedded wives?
Zuko: his mouth hangs open in disbelief as his eyes scan over the thousands of girls
Author: We don't have much money--well, actually, I think between all of us, we'd have a lot of money, but that's beside the point--but if we did, we'd buy a big house, where we ALL could live!
Fan Girl Army: YEAH!
Author: Zuko, I'd like to give you this ring, as a token of OUR affection! she opens her hands to reveal one of those crappy, fake blinky-rave rings in a plastic capsule
Zuko: How much did you pay for this? he picks up the capsule and shakes it
Author: 75 cents. Why?
Zuko: You're purposing to me with a 75 cents ring?
Author: Do you have a problem with that? stands up I told you already! We don't have much money!
Zuko: stares at her incredulously
Author: FINE! IF YOU WON'T HAVE US…THAN NOBODY CAN HAVE YOU! INSANE ARMY OF FAN GIRLS: ATTACK!
Fan Girl Army: AHHH! charging at Zuko with their bayonets
Zuko: AHHHHHHHH! he runs for dear life into the sea. Everything goes black
Zuko: murmuring in his bed, the blankets pulled up to his chin all fan girls may now go AWW! Don Johnson…Transformers…Robots in Disguise…crazy fan girls…bayonets…If you like pina colatas…popping out of no where…again…internet lingo starts crying
Iroh: shaking Zuko Zuko, Zuko! Wake up!
Zuko: wakes up, groggily and looks at Uncle Iroh Oh…Auntie Anne! Lame reference to The Wizard of Oz
Iroh: HEY! Who you calling 'auntie'?
Zuko: Oh…I just came back from a mystical world! looks at 3 random crew members that have gathered around Zuko And you were there! And you! Oh, Mr. Wakamiya! You were there, too! And I learned a valuable lesson through this! I learned…that there's no place like home…!
Iroh: Yeah…Zuko, I think you need to lay off the hallucinative drugs for awhile!
Zuko: No! It was real! pulls Iroh over by his shirt collar and whispers into his ear Stop killing the end of the story! For the audience's sake! I don't think they can take much more of this insanity! throws Iroh back
Iroh: Well, clears throat I believe you then. I'm going to go and get a nice cup of tea!
Crewmembers: muttering under their breaths and giving Zuko suspicious looks
Zuko: They don't believe me! But I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT--
Author: Okay, okay, okay! I have no absolutely NO drive left to write this! So…you need to go away now!
Zuko: Are you joking! I got drunk, almost had a concussion, arrested, nearly squashed by a Transformer, bitten by a rabid cop, trampled by an army of crazed girls, purposed to with a 75 cents ring, and accused of being under the influence and THIS is how you end the story? THIS IS SO ANTI-CLIMATIC!
Author: Hey, I have to go to my track meet now! I don't have time to write a good ending!
Zuko: B-b-but!
Author: NO BUTTS! I mean…BUTS!
Zuko: You just said the same thing twice…
Author: No, I didn't. It's a homonym! DUH!
Zuko: okay…
Author: Be that as it may, is there anything you'd like to say to the audience before this ends?
Zuko: Yeah, I do. Okay, if you want to marry me, you have to purpose to me with something worth more than 75 cents! OKAY! Anyting else just won't cut it!
Author: Wow…you just said that because you're a spoiled price trying to marry into money! Eww, you gold digger!
Zuko: I'm a PRINCE! I don't need to marry into money! I ALREADY have money! You are such an idiot!
Author: Now, let's think about what you just said…do you have ANY idea of how that may affect me? No, you don't! Therefore, you are lacking in sensitivity, grace, poise, uh…
Zuko: And you need to die now! Does some type of Fire Bending move
Author: now a nice pile of ashes NOW THAT WASN'T VERY NICE!
Zuko: spits on the Author, or pile ashes Does it look like I care? walks out of room
END
1: Miami Vice was a cop show that was shot from the early-80's to the early-90's. The main characters were Crocket and Tubs. They were constantly saying really annoying lines that had totally obscure puns that I don't understand at all. Also, the theme is the most annoying and totally discordant piece of music ever written...I really hate this show and I hate when my parents make me sit down and watch it...they're just doing to relive their youth...WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THIS!
2: Something like this actually happened to me. I was traveling in a subway in NY (which is confusing as hell) with my friend and her mom. We got outat theBroadway and 40th station and started walking towards the DIRECTED exit. Well, the lights weren't on when we got there and the doors were locked. So...I yelled, "HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY! HELP!"...it was funny.
Thanks for reading!