Zuko's Life and Why It Has Some Significance # 3
I've discovered that when I write the actions in asterix, they don't appear. From now on, the actions will be written in parentheses.
OOOO
Iroh :( sitting on the ship's deck, sipping a cup of tea) Hm…you know, many strange things have been happening to Zuko lately. What with him bursting into song, being under the influence…many, many strange, UNEXPLAINABLE things. But…just for Zuko. Nothing ever happens to me. Poor, old, little uncle Iroh. Past his prime…I should try to find some way to fill the empty void that is my life… (Sits and ponders for awhile) I KNOW! I'LL GO ON A GAMESHOW!
Author: Oh, God…
(The scene switches to the Jeopardy set. Yes, Jeopardy. The audience claps as the announcer begins to introduce the contestants)
Announcer: A snot-nosed kid trapped in an ice berg for the past 100 years! Now the Avatar and supposed savior of the world, please welcome Aang!
Aang: (glares at the ceiling)
Announcer: A little wench from the South Pole! Now a really crappy Waterbender and "den-mother", please welcome Katara!
Katara: What! (Glares at the ceiling as well)
Announce: And our non-returning, but still freakishly cool, champion! Currently trying to capture the Avatar, please give a warmer welcome than you did the other two for Prince Zuko!
Aang and Katara: (look suspiciously at the Author)
Author: What! What are you looking at me for!
Zuko: (looks over at them very smugly)
Aang and Katara: (Look away from the author)
Author: (glances around and slips the announcer an open brief case with one million big buckaroos)
Announcer: And here's our host….Alex TRRRREBEK!
Trebek: Thank you, Mr. Invisible-and-Easily-Bribed-Announcer-Guy. (Clears throat) Well, tonight we have some of the cast from Avatar: The Last Airbender! Let's get started!
Audience: WHOO-HOO!
Trebek: That's not very appropriate!
Audience: (hands heads in shame)
Trebek: The categories are: Colors, Shapes, Easily-recognizable animals, Easily-recognizable sounds, Human emotions, and lastly, "Quantum Theorem". Notice how "Quantum Theorem" is in quotations. Aang, we'll start with you.
Aang: Okay, I'll take…Quantum Theorem for $200, Alex.
Trebek: Alright. Here's the clue: This is something that you have absolutely no idea about, and yet the only reason you chose it was because you wanted to show off in front of your little girlfriend? What! What kind of clue is?
Author: Heh, heh, heh (pulls out another brief case filled with money)
Aang: Uh… (Stares up at the ceiling, pondering)
(The buzzer goes off)
Trebek: Oh, I'm sorry. You ran out of time. The correct answer was "Quantum Theorem". Katara, you're next.
Katara: Okay! I'm ready! I'll take…colors for $400.
Trebek: Sure (The screen turns into a video. Haru appears, wearing a green scarf)
Haru: Hello.
Katara: Hi, Haru! (Beats her eyelashes flirtatiously at the screen)
Trebek: Katara, you do know that this is pre-recorded, don't you?
Katara: Oh! (Covers her face with her hands, her face beet red)
Haru: Here's the clue: What color is this scarf?
Katara: (crying in her hands, her face still covered)
Trebek: Uh…Katara, you'll need to look at the screen if you want to answer the question correctly.
(Buzzer goes off)
Trebek: Oh, looks like you're out of time. The answer is, "What is green?" Zuko, you're next!
Zuko: Alright then…I'll take…uh…hm……well-no, never mind-…lemme think here…uh…
Trebek: Would you pick already!
Zuko: Hey, watch it! I could have you beheaded! Infamous guard from episode one of these totally ridiculous stories, come here!
Infamous guard from Episode One: Yo, yo, yo! Wha'd up wit tha shiznit! Yo! Iroh, my main man! Wha'd up, foo'!
Iroh: Just keepin' it real, biotch!
Trebek: Do you mind? (Takes a few calming breaths) Anyway, Zuko, have you selected a category?
Zuko: Yeah. (Silence)
Trebek: (waits for Zuko to say what category he had chosen. He begins to tap his foot on the floor) Well…what is it?
Zuko: Oh, you want me to tell you? Okay, well, I'd like "Capture the Avatar" for $1,000, please.
Trebek: That's not one of the categories…
Zuko: Oh, (takes out his reading glasses) Oh, you're right. Well, in that case, I'd like "Easily-recognizable animals" for $200, then.
Trebek: Why not? (The screen displays a picture of a swordfish). This aquatic animal, which lives in the Atlantic, has a nose shaped like a sword?
Zuko: uh…hm…oh, oh! It's on the tip of my tongue! (Bounces around, arms waving wildly) Oh! I know it!
Author: (hiding inside of Zuko's podium. She whispers VERY loudly, so that people in the audience can hear her) "WHAT IS SWORDFISH?"
Zuko: (leans over and looks inside of his podium. He whispers back just as loudly) ARE YOU SURE!
Author: YEAH! (She shows Zuko a picture of a swordfish in an encyclopedia)
Zuko: OKAY! (Gives author the thumbs up. He stands back up and clears his throat) What is… (He leans back down again). WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Author: SWORDFISH!
Zuko: OKAY! (Stands up again) What is swordfish?
Trebek: uh…yeah, sure. $200 for Zuko.
Katara: Hello! Are you deaf? We all know that the author is hiding in his podium!
Trebek: (walks around and glares down at the Author) What are you doing under there?
Author: No, you don't understand! I was told to be here!
Trebek: By who, exactly?
Author: Uh…my insane love for Zuko? (She is abruptly taken away by two security guards) HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING! HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY! HELP! (Is thrown out the studio doors).
Zuko: Damn, there goes all my answers!
Alex: (rubs his head as if experiencing a headache) Contestants, please let me make this clear for you. You are not allowed to have any outside help! And I mean any! Cheating is not tolerated!
Aang: Then what about him?
Alex: Who?
Katara: That weird old green dude (points to Yoda (yes, Yoda does have a cameo in this))
Alex: Yoda? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in exile until A New Hope!
Yoda: While in exile, participate in this game, I will.
Katara: But…aren't you telepathic or something?
Alex: Yeah, that's right, you are. Yoda, you can't participate in this game.
Yoda: (glares at Alex. A long silence follows him)…FK YOU! (His middle finger is censored out (does Yoda even have a middle finger?). He suddenly does a series of overly dramatic back flips and jumps out the studio windows.)
Alex: …this game is getting odder and odder….Anyways, uh…Aang! It's your turn!
Aang: Sure Alex…hm…I'll take easily-recognizable sounds for $800.
Alex: Are you sure?
Aang: Do you doubt my intellectual abilities?
Alex: Not at all! Listen closely; here's the sound.
(The guitar solo from "My Sharona" is heard)
Alex: This sound consists of two words. The first word is the name of the instrument that makes the sound. The second word rhymes with "Jiff"? JIFF? What is this?
Author: (licking peanut butter off of a knife (I know, bad habit)). What? Hey, Creamy Jiff beats Super-Chunk any day!
Aang: (ponders)
(The buzzer goes off)
Alex: Sorry. You didn't answer fast enough. The correct answer was, "What is a Guitar Riff"?
Aang: What? WHAT THE HELL IS A GUITAR RIFF? WHAT'S A GUITAR? WHAT ON EARTH IS A RIFF? AND WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH IS JIFF?
Zuko: You know, you'd think that because you are the Avatar, you'd know all the answers. I guess your "worldly knowledge" is quite up to par, now is it?
Katara: Hey, I wouldn't be talking. You're the one who had the author hiding under the podium.
Zuko: It wasn't my idea!
Aang: Oh, yeah, then how'd she get there?
Zuko: Listen, the only reason she was there was because she claimed it was the only chance she'd ever get to be that close to my crotch…at the time I was torn between flattery and total repulsion so I didn't say anything…
Katara: Eww…
Zuko: Yeah, I know. Now you see what kind of sick-o writes these stories.
Aang: And you allow this?
Zuko: What do you mean, "And you allow this"? I'm a fictional character at the disposal of thousands of people across the United States, which I now know what it is. What am I supposed to do about it?
Katara: You could stage a revolt.
Zuko: I'm already doing that in the series! DUH!
Katara: Sorry.
Zuko: But…you're right. (Glares up at the ceiling, shaking his fist at it) DO YOU HEAR ME, AUTHOR? I WON'T BE USED AS SOME KIND OF PAWN ANYMORE! I WON'T LET YOU ABUSE ME LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN!
Author: That's what YOU think….hee hee hee!
(Suddenly, storm clouds gather in the Jeopardy set)
Author: Don't you see, Zuko? In these fan fictions…I AM GOD! (her voices echoes and a lightning bolt strikes the clue board. It explodes and sparks fly everywhere. Things catch fire and the audience runs out of the studio.)
Audience (collectively): AHHHHH! STEREOTYPICAL TERRIFIED MASSES OF PANICED PEOPLE NOISES! AHHHH!
Zuko: Wow…"Ahhhhh" is used a lot in these stories.
Author: For lack of a better word.
Trebek: Great! This is just fking great! The audience is running away, the studio is an inferno, and our contestants are complete imbeciles!
Contestants: HEY! We're not imbeciles!
Trebek: You didn't even get through round one!
Katara: True…true ((Again, a lame reference to Budweiser)).
Trebek: The only one who seems to have a shred of intellectually capability is Zuko! At least he managed to scrape up $200!
Aang: But he was cheating!
Trebek: So? At least he's cunning and decisive! He could have gotten rid of her, but since he's SMART, he kept her.
Zuko: Well, actually, it was because I just wanted to pretend she didn't exist. I didn't even know she was under there 'til she told me the answer.
Trebek: (dead-pan glare) Still, you used your resources! So, that means that Zuko, you're the winner!
Iroh: WHOO-HOOO!
Zuko: Uncle Iroh, what are you doing here? You should have cowardly fled at least 10 minuets ago.
Iroh: Zuko, I'm a Firebender. I don't fear fire!
Zuko: Oh…
Trebek: Well, I think you're all mad! I'm getting out of here! (Runs out of the studio)
Aang: Now what?
Zuko: Well, I would capture you, but seems kind of inappropriate.
Aang: Until next episode then?
Zuko: Sure, whatever.
Katara: Check you later, Zuko.
Aang: I'm outie!
(Zuko and Aang perform some type of strange handshake consisting of making fists, snapping, and doing little turns)
Zuko: Hey, infamous guard from Episode one!
Guard: What'd up, biotch?
Zuko: Let's go
Guard: I'm down with that.
(The three fire benders walk out of the studio doors into the sunset. Suddenly, they are wearing black coats, black cowboy hats, and black cowboy boots ((lame reference to Tombstone))
Zuko: What the hell is this? (Tries taking off the cloak. It won't come off)
Author: What don't you like Tombstone?
Iroh: This outfit isn't very colorful.
Zuko: (starts hacking) Hey, if I'm coughing like this, than that must mean…WHY DID I HAVE TO BE DOC HOLIDAY!
Author: Because Val Kylmer is hot…DUH!
Zuko: Oh my God, HE DIES OF TUBERCULOSIS! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FOR ME!
Iroh: Zuko, I think you're taking this too far…
Zuko: NO! I'm going to settle this once and for all! (Pulls out a sword from no where. He charges at the Author.) AHHHH! (Obvious slow-mo)
(The sound of a human heart beat begins to pound, growing louder and louder)
Author: (crying) I DON'T WANT TO DIE BY MY LOVE'S HANDS!
Zuko: (he nears the Author, shouting all the while)
Random Director (Quentin Tarantino): and…CUT! (The lights go on and various people run onto the set) Beautiful! Absolutely stunning! Zuko, you were phenomenal!
Zuko: Thank you, Quentin!
Quentin: And Author, you were… (Stops to see that the author has big X's in her eyes. She has died from fear) Uh…Zuko, I think you killed her.
Zuko: Hm…well, what we gonna do about that?
Quentin: Hey, no worries! We'll just find a replacement Author!
Zuko: Whew, that's a relief. I'm so glad that there are lots of crazed girls obsessed with magical anime characters, like her, running around the U.S! It'll make the production run smoothly.
Quentin: You're telling me!
People on set: (Give a large, cheesey group laugh)
End