Zuko's Life and Why It Has Some Significance
4
Author: In light of the previous stories, I have realized that they are extraordinarily violent and vulgar. My apologies. Also, Zuko is none to pleased with the content. He finds the subject matter to be childish and pointless. As I have no desire to be burnt alive or frightened to death again, the following stories will be ones of complete modesty and sincerity…
(Zuko is seen sitting in a fake leather chair in a TV studio. A fat, balding man sits across from him, his nose being powdered by a stage crew lady. The man eyes the Firebender warily (for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, we're talking about the infamous Dr. Phil))
DP: Shouldn't you be on Jerry Springer or something?
Z: Who?
DP: You know, "Jerry Jerry!!"
Z: (gives DP a blank stare)
DP: Freak…
Z: Why am I here? How did I get here anyway?
DP: Don't ask me. I'm just a useless pawn being merciless manipulated for the enjoyment of sick, magical-anime-characters-obsessed girls slash (/) boys.
Z: It's not magic, it's "waterbending". And I don't think that you're supposed to say "slash". I think it's just written that way.
DP: (glares at Z) Hey, who has the PHD, here? You or me?
Random stage guy: 2 seconds, Dr.
DP: Sh--
(Suddenly, the lights go on and Zuko is shocked to see the entire room filled with the fan girl army from Miami Beach)
DP: Okay folks, today we have a very very confused and neglected youth up on stage with me. I'm going to talk to him and then we're going to sort out his problems. Also, we'll have some other freaks-I mean-people up on stage with us.
Random Fan girl: Shouldn't you be doing some kind of lame intro thing?
DP: Who has the PHD here? You or me?
Z: What…?
DP: So, Zuko. Tell us about yourself. Let's start off with your name. Who are you?
Z: You just said my name.
DP: Funny, I don't remember that.
Z: You said it not two seconds ago!
DP: Hey, who has the PHD here? You or me?
Z: Alright…my name is Prince Zuko.
DP: Got a last name?
Z: (opens his mouth as if to say something. Silence follows him.)
DP: That's okay. I don't have a name, either.
Z: Wait, isn't your show called Dr. Phil?
DP: Yes
Z: Well, would that not imply that your name is Phil?
DP: …moving on!! Zuko, you are currently on the hunt for the Avatar. So far you still haven't caught the little bugger. How does that make you feel?
Z: Pretty damn lousy.
(Suddenly an alarm goes off)
DP: Zuko! We don't allow that kind of potty language at the dinner table-I mean-the afternoon talk show! From now on you must say…tiddle-y winks.
Z: Alright…that makes me feel pretty tiddle-y winks lousy.
DP: Much better…
Z: Yeah, I really hate the Avatar
(Another alarm goes off)
DP: Zuko, use feeling words!
Z: Hate is a feeling.
DP: It's too broad a concept for some of our viewers
Z: What, the mentally retarded ones?
(Yet another alarm goes off)
DP: Zuko, no putting others down!!
Z: This is ridiculous! I'm leaving!!
DP: Running away? Do you fear confrontation?! Are you pussing ball of insecurity?!?!
Z: No, I am not. But you wanna know what you are? You're just a fat, old, bald guy who's too tiddle-y winks lazy to go and fix his own problems so all you do is sit around a fix other people's problems. So go get some Rogain™ and a personal trainer and GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!
(A cheer erupts from the audience. Someone gets the bright idea to start chanting Jerry Springer's name)
Audience: Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry!!
Z: Wrong show you idiots.
(There is a brief silence, then…)
DP: Phil-y Phil-y Phil-y Phil-y!
Random Fan girl: Cheese steak!!
Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (Annoying laughter)
(The laughter dies down and we see that Zuko has returned to his chair)
DP: Well, anyway. Tell us about your home life, Zuko.
Z: Why?
DP: Because we're interested in knowing.
Z: No you're not.
DP: You're right. I'm not really interested at all, but how the hell else am I supposed to make money? Humor me, okay kid?
Z: Alright…but don't call me kid!
DP: Okay………kid
Z: Well, I was born a poor black child and--
DP: No you weren't.
Z: How would you know? You weren't there.
DP: Isn't your name Prince Zuko?
Z: Yeah
DP: Well, being a prince would entitle you to, I don't know, LIVE IN A PALACE!!!
Z: True…can't pull a fast one on you, Dr. Phil.
DP: No, sir-e-bob. Anyways, I'm not really interested in you. Let's bring out our first…other person who's not a contestant: Katara!!! WHOOOO!!!!
(Katara is pushed out from behind the stage. She walks over and takes a seat next to Zuko and bats her eyelashes flirtatiously at him. Zuko turns green)
DP: Well, Katara, by that obvious come-on you just exhibited, we can all conclude that you've got the hots for Zuko.
K: You're damn right I do!!
Z: HEY! Why doesn't she have to say tiddle-y winks?!
DP: Because I like her…
Z: But you're an old man…that's just gross…
(Random kid skateboards onto the stage)
RK: Wacky Packages RULE!!! (Skates away)
(Silence)
DP: Alright then…
K: Like Oh Em Gee, Zuko is, like, the hottest hottie, like, EVER!!
Author: Like--Get A Life…
Z: Weren't you the one who told me to go jump in a river or something?
K: Yeah…
Z: No offense, but that really wasn't very threatening…
K: I know. But what do you expect? I mean--when I got my hands burned, I stuffed them under my arms. Does that give you some sort of clue as to my intelligence?
Z: Now that you mention it…
DP: (takes out a nail file and starts to file his nails)
Sokka: (pushed out from behind the stage)
S: Katara! What are you doing?!?!
K: Like Oh My Gawd, Sawkka! I know you don't like Zuko, but I do. And he likes me!! Right, Z-Chan!
Z: …No. Z-Chan! What the hell is Z-Chan!
K: It's you're new nickname!
S: What's with the God-awful accent?
K: I don't know.
DP: (looks like the Coffee Talk lady) Oh my gawd, dahling! Smooth like Buddah! (Butter)
S: Katara, I'm getting you out of here! (Grabs Katara's wrist and pulls her away)
K: No!! Sawkka!! Z-Chan!! I'll never forget you Z-Chan!!!
Z: …I will…
K: (breaks out into tears) Z-CHAN!!!!!! (Disappears behind the set)
Audience: (some girls are crying, while others are laughing their butts off)
DP: (Dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief) that is so tragic!!
Z: Why must I be surrounded by idiots in every one of these stories? (Turns to Author who is sitting the chair that Katara was)
Author: (looks like a shrink) Now, Zuko, what have I told you about tolerance?
Z: Uh………Fk it?
Author: Exactly!
Z: But that doesn't answer my question…
Author: Oh, well then…bye! (Disappears in a poof of smoke)
Z: Tiddle-y-winks…
DP: Next guest!!
(Peter Pan is shoved out from behind the stage)
DP: No, not him, you idiots!! He's in our next episode!
(Peter Pan glowers and flies away)
Z: Now what?
DP: Tell me, any ladies in your life?
Z: There was this one chick, but it wouldn't have worked out. I would have only put her in danger.
DP: How did you deal with your teenage hormones on a ship filled with sweaty 40 year old men?
Z:….I didn't. Why do you think I am so emotionally and mentally constipated?
Author: Zuko has never been one for experimentation. He knows what he wants. And that's me!!!
Z: No, actually, it really isn't.
Author: You deny it but I know your true feelings. And I'm sorry that it can't work out between us, but I've moved on Zuko. I'm very happy with my boyfriend now. We go on carriage rides and picnics and pick flowers in the nonexistent fields.
Z: I know you do…and then he checks you back in at the insane asylum. It's so nice that he still spends his Saturdays with you when he could be out pursuing more lucid girls.
Author: You have a lot of gall you know that…
Z: This really is going nowhere. You know it's taken you about two years to finish this story? And it's just a script…and a very poorly written one at that.
Author: I know…high school is more demanding than I thought it would be…
Z: It's pretty sad that you're still watching cartoons at 17 years of age…
Author: Yeah, well it's pretty sad that you have to stay stuck at 17 for the rest of your life. At least I'll get to grow up and make mistakes and probably become the crazy cat woman down the street that everyone's afraid of…
Z: Yeah, I could see that actually…want to leave? This story isn't going anywhere (much like your understanding of stoichiometry) and Dr. Phil is beginning to hit on the audience…
Author: Yes, let's. Goodbye all! I'm sorry this story took forever to write and believe me, I still look at my Avatar fanfiction but I can barely find time to sleep, much less write for pleasure. Please continue to watch the series and support our favorite emotionally-maimed anti-hero! He needs your support!!
Z: Not really…
Author: You are so arrogant…
Exit