The moonlight shining through the trees splashed a weblike design on one wall adjacent to the window, while the rest of the room remained in shadow. There was the crib in the corner, sadly jolly-looking in its pastel colors. There was no bedding in it now, of course; but its nakedness sent an unexpected lurch into Remus's heart. The bed in which Lily had been sleeping was in disarray, and for some reason he felt comforted by the sight of it.
Remus and Lily faced each other, unmoving, only a hand's breadth apart. A current of desperation and longing seemed to fill the very air between them, but neither one budged. Remus's thoughts were a whirl, and he somehow came to the realization that he was brimming with anticipation and fear at once. And there was an unfamiliar sense of power there, too – not power over Lily, or even over what might transpire between them tonight, but over something larger that he couldn't put a name to. He felt giddy with the sensation, even as his stomach churned with the fear that had decided to live there since he awoke from his dream – was it only this morning? Once more he had the strange feeling of balancing on a precipice, and if he shifted his weight one way or the other …
Lily stepped into him. It was mere centimeters, but it was enough. His hands were drawn to her face and he kissed her gently, slowly, repeatedly. She responded in kind, her fingers tracing patterns up and down his neck and on his scalp, catching handfuls of his hair and sending shivers into him wherever she touched. And then somehow, at once, everything shifted, intensified. Of one accord, their breath quickened and their kisses deepened, arms clutching each other with a new sort of urgency. Lily's hands pulled Remus's body toward her as she backed toward the wall, tugging at his pajamas and T-shirt when she couldn't find purchase any other way. His hands roamed and searched her curves, lifting a leg and wrapping it around his waist as he held her against the wall and pressed into her.
The moonlight glinted in her eyes, and Remus knew that he wasn't the only one afraid. He sensed her fear, as well: fear mixed with a desperate need, a need for a solution, or an alternative, he couldn't tell which. He closed his eyes and let his lips devour her delicately curved collarbone; the shallow, shadowy valley between the small breasts hidden by her nightgown; her neck, impossibly white under the eye of the moon.
Lily guided his face back up and kissed him with fervor, crushing her body to his. Her eyes remained open and Remus caught another glimpse of feeling there. The message was savage and fearful, desperate and certain; if there were words to her feelings they would have said, simply, I want to live. His heart thundered. He again felt a surge of power, now rushing through his veins into every extremity; blood pounded in his brain, in his body, thrashed all thought from his consciousness, and with every throb he knew that he could. He could save her, from whatever it was she was trying to escape. He could do it. And she could hold him here, ground him, keep him from plummeting over the precipice.
He pushed up Lily's nightgown and grasped her thighs, pressing her snugly against the wall, feeling the soft fabric of her knickers and the pleasantly pliant flesh underneath, letting his fingers slide a little under the white cotton to feel the creamy skin of her hips, then dancing across the back of one thigh and knee. Their urgent breathing, muffled only slightly by their kisses, filled the quiet room.
Lily reached between them and began clumsily hiking up Remus's T-shirt, and he pulled away from her long enough to help her slide it over his head and toss it to the floor. Now she pushed him roughly against the wall and covered his chest with kisses, sliding her tongue across his nipples, his scars, catching a lower rib between her teeth and nibbling at it with her warm mouth. One small hand reached lower and grasped him firmly through his pajamas, and Remus bit his lip to keep from moaning. The fingers of one of his hands became entangled in her hair while the other hand stroked her cheek, touched her mouth where it met his skin, ventured downward inside the back of her nightgown to feel her smooth, warm back.
Suddenly Lily was pulling at his pajamas and his boxer shorts and then they, too, were in a pile at his feet. Her mouth enveloped Remus at once and he thought he would pass out with delirium. He felt her warm tongue and lips move gently over him and around him as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and he wanted it to last forever. She adjusted her movements in response to his soft moans and slight twitches of his body, and soon her gentle ministrations became more certain and insistent. His breath quickened as he felt his desire mounting to a fever pitch that would surely be unsustainable for very long; but he didn't want it to be over so soon. He gently pulled away from her and drew her up into his arms, kissing her ravenously as he began gathering the fabric of her nightgown into his fingers, slowly at first to see if she protested, then more boldly. She raised her arms and gazed into his eyes as he lifted the nightgown over her head and dropped it into the pile of clothing.
Her body stood partly in shadow, partly in moonlight, and he felt time suspend itself as he hungrily took in her form, feeling as if he were the first man in all of history to see a woman like this. As he stood there, she hooked her thumbs over her knickers and stepped out of them. He felt the breath leave his body and his knees go weak, although somehow he managed to remain upright. He returned his gaze to Lily's face and he began to breathe again. She took his hand and placed it around her waist, pulling him toward her. The look in her eyes was fierce and determined. Gone was the fear; it was replaced with an almost impatient yearning. And again, just as he had on the night in the Common Room on the sofa, he saw a flash of himself and Lily, bodies entwined, her legs around him as he lost himself in her; and finally, tonight, he knew what she wanted.
Remus's lips found hers again and he pressed his body against her, delighting in her gasp and quickened breathing when she felt his need against her bare flesh. Lily's arms clutched him tightly as her hips moved into him. Slowly, he walked her toward the bed, his tongue never losing contact with hers. He sat her gently on the edge and began kissing his way down her body, lingering over her breasts, taking great satisfaction in watching them respond to his little attentions. Reverently, on his knees, he kissed her flat stomach, her tiny navel, ran his hands over every inch of her narrow torso, gingerly stroked her thighs and calves, squeezed her ankles. Every bit of her thrilled him, and he wanted his hands over all of her at once. Without thinking, he bit her hipbone gently and was rewarded with a hissed intake of breath and a convulsive shudder of pleasure. His lips wandered tentatively further south, pausing in case there was a protest; and when there was none he buried his face in the most amazing scents and sensations imaginable. He tried to remember what he had read about pleasuring a woman and found that, as his brain no longer seemed to be working, no information was forthcoming; so instead he did what Lily had done: he listened and felt for her responses, and adjusted accordingly. Her hips tilted into him and helped guide him, and her quiet exclamations let him know when he'd done something right.
He could have continued like this all night; but Lily wanted something more, just as he had earlier. She placed a warm hand on his cheek, and he looked up at her. Her expression was raw, unguarded, vulnerable and ferocious.
And her hand held her wand over her belly.
His eyes darted from the wand to Lily's face again. He knew what this meant, and what the incantation was for a contraception spell. His heart was near to bursting, and his body felt larger than itself. Lily's urgent breathing was the only sound he heard, her glittering eyes the only things he could see in the darkness. For one wild second he considered asking her not to perform the spell, then burying himself in her as nature intended. He imagined the two of them disappearing from the world somehow and raising a little family together. He didn't know where this thought came from, or why on earth he would think something like that when he hadn't even finished school; but there was a lot of power behind the thought, and it thrilled him. Part of him thought that this far-fetched plan could be the very thing that would protect Lily from her fears. Part of him felt it would be disaster of an unimaginable order.
She waited.
She probably didn't know why he was hesitating, and he didn't want her to think he didn't want this, that every cell in his body wasn't screaming for him to take her. He kissed her stomach just above the pubic bone and, still kneeling before her, placed his left hand over Lily's wand hand and the right on her belly; he watched as she placed her left hand on top of his right. They gazed at each other, eyes shimmering in the dark, mouths poised for the words they had been taught by Madam Pomfrey four years ago, tongues ready to utter the spell, if they were indeed to go through with it.
Lily inhaled, and Remus knew that this was happening.
They spoke the incantation together in a whisper; and when they finished, warmth emanated from Lily's abdomen for a moment, then subsided. They remained perfectly still, their eyes taking in the expression on each other's face, their bodies still breathing heavily. Slowly, as if she were underwater, her eyes never leaving Remus's, Lily placed her wand on the bedside table with one shaking hand, the other still clasping his on her belly. Tentatively, she slid back on the bed and lowered herself slightly, watching him shyly from her position propped up on her elbows.
Remus crept carefully onto the bed. He was aware of many things: his heavy hands, fingers disappearing into the disheveled sheets, a knee sinking into the mattress, his toes curling underneath his feet, an elbow shaking as he lowered himself, his torso hovering over Lily's, his eyes searching hers and meeting her thoughts as they formed in some deep part of her brain.
When he kissed her, it felt as if they were kissing for the first time again. And when he entered her, he felt, as all new lovers must, that together they had the power to change the course of history.
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A/N: Sorry for the delay with this one; you can well imagine why I hesitated. So, it finally comes to this. Has Remus made a huge mistake? Has Lily? Will his friends find out? So many quesions to be answered ...
All reviewers get to ponder the question of fate with Remus, as it's been on his mind lately.
