Want

Theme: #27. overflow

Disclaimers on part 1.

Rating: R

Inui was trying to focus on other things, he really was.

After getting home from his talk with Kamio, Inui realized that he needed to think about something, anything other than what had happened that day. He felt that if he kept dwelling on it, he'd go mad, and since there was really nothing he could do until he heard from Kamio, Inui tried to find a distraction.

First, he tried a hot shower—Kamio's punches had really hurt, even if he hadn't felt them at the time. But as he stood in the water, all he could think about was Shinji's face on the day they spent by the ocean, the kisses they had shared by the water's edge. Water and Shinji were so interconnected in his mind there that Inui found himself cutting his shower short because he had forgotten his original purpose for it.

Then, he tried to study. Inui had a test coming up, and surely there was nothing more un-Shinji-like than biochemistry. But then Inui's mind started drifting to the chemistry that happened between him and Shinji when they were together, and before he knew it, Inui was seeing Shinji's eyes on the pages in front of him.

Slamming his book shut, Inui went over to his computer. Data…data was his lifeblood, his mainstay, his anchor in a world of uncertainty. Surely, his figures would help him tune everything out and let him focus.

Sadly, though, that was not the case. Shinji was even in Inui's data, sometimes literally, but more often in Inui's head, where he could hear all the comments that Shinji had ever made about his data and data-collecting.

With a sigh, Inui gave up and collapsed back on his bed, letting his mind go where it willed.

If I look at this logically, this is really melodramatic of me. Civilization will not end just because my heart is breaking. There are problems that are greater than my own. Life goes on. I know that. But then…why does it feel like the world should be stopping? One bad thing happens to me, and suddenly I become…a typical teenager.

Inui had to laugh some as he rolled onto his side, hoping that the wall would give him a different perspective than the ceiling had. It's not like we haven't fought before. We've had plenty of arguments. Although…he's never left me, before now. He's never had a reason to doubt me or my sincerity, and I never wanted to give him one. But I did, handed it to him on a silver platter. I want to be furious with Renji, blame him…but it's my fault, too. If I had told Shinji what was going on, he would've never had to wonder and suspect and be hurt to the point where it really did seem like I had betrayed him.

Sighing, Inui stood and walked over to his window, looking out towards where Shinji was at that moment, and leaned his forehead on the cool glass, wishing it was Shinji that he was touching at that moment. "Shinji…I love you. I never meant to hurt you. And I'll do anything in my power to get you back with me again."

Shinji finally uncurled himself from his miserable ball on Kamio's bed. He knew that his friend had gone out, come back in, and left again, but Shinji didn't care. He knew that he should be home, that unless Kamio had covered for him, his mother was probably worried sick, but again, he didn't care.

Everything seemed…dull to him. Without life or spark or flavor. And it was all because he didn't have Inui.

Why is this hurting me so much? If Sadaharu did betray me, shouldn't I feel better not having him in my life anymore? Shouldn't I be glad that he's not here with me right now? I don't need that kind of treatment…I deserve better than that...

Shinji dragged himself out of bed and started pacing, seemingly not caring if he wore a hole in Kamio's rug. I should be…but I'm not. I love him, I know I do, and right now…I think I'd rather see him running around with ten different people, as long as one of those people was me. That might be stupid of me, but it's true. I didn't realize how happy I was with him until now. He made my life worth living, and that's silly and melodramatic. I shouldn't need someone just to feel alive…but he did make me feel alive and I can't deny it. Nothing in my life made me feel better than he did, and nothing else seems worth being here for, and I hate that I feel that way...

He paused in his pacing to study himself in Kamio's mirror. Maybe…I shouldn't have done what I did. He seemed to want to talk…what would've happened if I had let him talk to me? Could it be possible that I wouldn't be feeling this miserable right now? Maybe…maybe I'd be with him…or well, maybe not, because I am still a little mad at him, but maybe we'd still be together if not together. I want to know what happened, what he was doing, why they kissed…maybe I should see him again. And then I'll forget all about being angry and let him back into me, and what will happen if this happens again? I want to spend my life with Sadaharu, I know that. But can I spend it like this?

Shinji glared at his reflection in the mirror. "Stop looking at me like that," he told it. "I did the same thing you would have done, and so what if I am regretting it now? It doesn't change that he lied to me, and how good is a relationship where the other person has to lie and hide? All I want is…all I want…."

Shinji sighed and bowed his head, admitting defeat to himself. "All I want is Sadaharu back. I want him back, and I have no idea what to do about it, no idea if he even wants me back. If he doesn't…it might kill me."

Sighing again, Shinji walked over to his window, looking out towards where Inui was at that moment, and leaned his forehead on the cool glass, wishing it was Inui that he was touching at that moment. "Sadaharu…I love you. I wish I hadn't said those things to you. And…maybe you don't want me anymore, but I have to try, somehow. I'll do anything in my power to get you back with me again."

--The End--