If Misery Loves Company

Chapter 6

Purpose

By Kristen Gupton-Williams

I awoke with a hangover around two in the afternoon the next day. Someone was pounding at the door, and I went to answer. I found Palmer, the head of the space program on the other side of the door, along with a pair of Turks. I wondered if they were there to snuff me for the launch failure or not.

The three of them pushed past me and into the house. Palmer landed his fat ass on my couch, the two Turks standing beside him.

"What do ya want?" I asked, going over and sitting in my chair, feeling far too terrible for any of this.

"Answers, Captain," Palmer said, laying his hands on his stomach. "We know that you aborted the launch because there was an engineer in the engine room, but I need to know why you did that. All that Shin Ra invested in this project was worth far more than the life of one foolish moron who willingly put themselves in danger."

I huffed and shrugged slightly. I wasn't going to get into my feelings for Shera with him or anyone else. Hell, even if it had been someone other than her, I wouldn't have willingly incinerated them. "I wasn't willin' to have their death on my hands."

"What sort of operation were you running here, that the lead engineer on this didn't have the mental fortitude to know better than to be in there?" he asked, the mere act of talking seeming to wind him.

"Sir, I can't make excuses for what she did, or why she was there. I ain't her," I replied. I didn't have real answers for her motivations, other than I thought she was bat shit insane over those oxygen tanks. I knew what tended to happen to people that upset the company, though, and the fact that there were Turks here suddenly made my heart rate jump. I didn't much care if they intended to do me in, but Shera was another thing all together. "What's gonna happen to Miss Shera?"

Palmer laughed outright. "Shin Ra has no use for people like her, so she's done for."

I stood up quickly, feeling the color drain from my face. "You can't kill 'er!"

"I said nothing about killing her, Captain!" he said back, amused. "She's done for as far as her engineering career. We've seized her assets. Everything that she managed to earn thanks to the company belongs to the company again. We have… simply cut our losses in regards to Ms. Sakamoto."

One of the Turks nudged the other in the side, smiling.

"…she don't deserve to lose everthin' over this, Palmer." I slowly sat back in my chair, my sudden anxiety making my headache a million times worse.

"But, Shin Ra, and you, both need a scapegoat for the humiliation of this failure. Keeping her alive allows her to take the blame, allowing the company, and you, Captain, to save face in light of all this." He locked gazes with me. "She's of more value alive, if only for that purpose. Besides, people that wind up in her kind of… situation, eventually seem to die off on their own."

"Her situation?" I asked, leaning forward. I mean, I knew he just said her things had been seized, but I wondered what else.

"She has nothing to her other than her car now. Miss Sakamoto will never find a job, and she will never have the money, thus, to find a place to go. Eventually, I would imagine, that being homeless and a pariah will take its toll and she will just… vanish, if you will." Palmer pulled a cigar out of his pocket and lit up.

I watched him for a moment, considering that. The thought of Shera living in her car wasn't all that appealing to me, but at the same time, I was still too furious on some level to intervene. There were other things I needed to know, though. "And what about the rocket?"

Palmer got up after two tries. "Most likely? Shin Ra will pull all funding and end the program. This was such a huge failure and embarrassment for the company that the president just may not be able to justify further involvement."

I closed my eyes and sighed.

That's that. You ain't ever gonna get into space now, Cid. Was it still worth it? Was it?

"Well, this has been lovely but we need to be on our way." With that, Palmer went back to the door, followed by his Turks. "Just be glad that you aren't being stripped of your rank and your life for this. If Ms. Sakamoto hadn't been to blame, as it were, you would be the one in her situation."

I glared over at him, knowing that I had to bite my tongue or risk burning bridges that I might need in the future.

He offered me a quick nod before leaving me alone again.

I didn't really know what to do after that, so I didn't do anything. Not until it was close to six that night, anyway. Then, it was only to haul myself back down to the bar and get fall down drunk once more.

That night, there was no harassment from anyone. I drank alone, my only words being my repeated orders to Mike for more. I stayed until closing time and then headed back toward my house. I'd walked again, and struggled to get home. As I once more passed Shera's apartment building, I saw her car in the same place, tires still flat. Out of nothing more than curiosity, I went over to it. Inside, she had the driver's seat reclined, and she was in it, sound asleep. She had an old coat of hers draped over her, trying to ward off the cold.

I looked at her for several minutes, something aching in my chest despite my drunkenness.

Just take her home, Cid… You lost your dream of space, why lose her, too?

To this day, I regret having tuned out that inner voice of mine in that moment. I pulled myself away and went back to my house, soon to pass out on my couch.

From that moment on, the following week was just a drunken blur. I sank into a depression so bad I lost all track of time. My days were only marked by my arrival at the bar, and then my need to go home when it closed again. Every night, I'd walk past Shera's car and every night, she was still inside. She truly had nowhere to go, and it didn't look like I was going to do much more than drink myself to death.

That's really what I was doing. I was killing myself in the slowest, most miserable way I knew how. Even still… I made sure to stop by and look in Shera's car every night. I tried to tell myself I didn't really care about her, I just needed to do the 'right' thing and make sure she was still alive. I wasn't much good to myself, much less her then.

I got news that Shin Ra was really pulling the plug on the space program about seven days after the launch date. They didn't even do me the service of telling me in person. No, I saw it reported on the news on the television at the bar. If I hadn't been too drunk when I saw the report, I probably would have thrown something at the TV.

A few more days passed and every night, Shera was still in her car.

Soon, I found myself at the bar as had become my norm. I looked at the clock and saw that it was only eight, still six hours before the bar would close for the night. Instead of staying, though, something I can't really explain broke within me. Here I was, spending a good fifty gil every night in this bar before going home, and Shera was broke and out there in that damn car.

She was going through something a whole lot worse than I was, so what right did I have to be wasting myself like I had been doing? I put my half-finished drink back on the bar and stood up.

This seemed to catch Mike's attention. "You okay, Captain?"

I looked at him, and said the first thing other than 'whiskey sour' or 'I gotta take a piss' to him that I'd said in over a week. "Yeah… I ain't thirsty no more. I'm… I'm gonna go."

He seemed somehow relieved on some level and nodded with a smile. I guess he'd seen enough drunks emerge from their depression over the years to recognize my epiphany for what it was. "All right, Captain. You know where to find me if ya need anything."

"Yeah, I appreciate that, Mike." I turned and walked out.

I walked my usual route home, a little slower than before. I'd been so out of it, there had been things that had changed over the last week that I hadn't noticed. As I made that trek down Shera's street, I noticed the broken glass on the ground behind the car, and I couldn't stop myself from crossing the street and going to have a look. I hadn't noticed that the rear window of the car had been busted out on my way to the bar, yet another sign of how oblivious I'd been.

To my relief, she wasn't in the car at the moment, but yes, the back window was pretty much gone. I wondered where she was at the moment and looked around, seeing no trace of her. I walked around the car and noticed that she had some sort of notebook deal lying on the passenger seat, the page to which was covered in writing.

After looking around again, I bent down and read what she'd written.

I couldn't believe what I was reading.

It was a suicide note, addressed specifically to me.

To Captain Cid Highwind,

If your eyes ever fall upon this, it's because I have been found dead and this diary not simply thrown away as I suspect it will be.

Sir, I have written my explanation over the tank issue a few pages back in this. Please, please look at it and see that I was right.

I didn't mean to ruin your life. I just wanted to save it. You asked me to make sure that everything in that rocket was perfect and I tried. I tried so hard, only to realize a fatal error in those last moments. I truly wouldn't have cared had I been incinerated in that engine room.

My life, as it stands now, isn't worth living and I'm going to end it anyway.

It's the thought of letting you down that is killing me. I know I was the only one on the project team that ever got to see the real you and still, I failed. You promoted me out of faith and I blew it. I have ruined your dreams and your life. It was never my intent.

I would never purposefully destroy the hopes of someone that I love as much as I love you. I never told you, because I knew you wouldn't care or be interested, but my heart was there, dedicated to seeing you through this project and still, I failed.

I don't expect to be forgiven, I just wanted you to know that I'm aware of what my actions have wrought.

Sincerely,

Shera Sakamoto

Right then was one of just a few moments in my life when I've honestly panicked. I opened the car door and picked up her diary, reading that note for a second time. It sank in that she intended to kill herself, and I flipped back a page and scanned over a few more words, catching sight of her mention of sleeping pills. I dropped the diary back onto the seat and began a hurried search for those damn pills. Out of sheer instinct, I pulled open the glove box, spotting the prescription vial within. I grabbed it and stood up, finally spotting Shera across the street at the service station. She was reading a newspaper through the glass of the paper vending machine, and she hadn't noticed that I was at her car. Quickly, but quietly, I closed her car door and then ran like hell home.

It wasn't until I closed the door of my house behind me that I allowed myself to think again. I looked at the drug vial in my left hand, and wandered to my bedroom. I landed on the edge of my bed and opened the tiny bottle, seeing that there were a good thirty pills within.

I imagine that would have done the trick well enough.

One line of the letter kept echoing in my mind:

I would never purposefully destroy the hopes of someone that I love as much as I love you.

"…as much as you love me," I said to myself, placing the cap back on the bottle.

Well, shit, she loved me. There went the last of the doubt in my mind. Then again, she'd been emotional, obviously, when she wrote that and there was a good chance that it was just the way she felt before what I said to her after the launch.

Shit, shit, shit.

I got up again after a while and went into my bathroom, putting her sleeping pills in my medicine cabinet.

I found myself back out in my kitchen shortly thereafter, and I looked at my weather monitoring equipment, noticing that it was getting cold out.

You want her to freeze and starve? Get out there and cover that broken fuckin' window, retard!

I knew she was hungry since she was broke and in her Goddamned car. Turning to my refrigerator, I scanned what was within. I had the makings of a sandwich, and there was even a jar of that nauseating apricot jelly that she liked that my mother had left during a visit. I made her a sandwich and grabbed a soda to go with it. Then, I went out into my garage and found some plastic sheeting and a roll of duct tape before heading out toward her car again. Now, how I was gonna go about covering that window and leaving her some eats without her noticing I had no idea, but it had to be done.

Besides, I just needed the confirmation that she was still okay, but I wasn't willing to admit that. Nope.

I made the walk and then slowly approached the car, seeing that she was inside again, but asleep. If she awoke, I didn't know what I was going to say, so I just made sure to move as quietly as possible.

I set the soda and sandwich on the roof of her car and then tried to unfold the plastic without making it crinkle much. Every little crackle it made as I tried to get it into position over the broken window seemed insanely loud to me but Shera didn't stir. I got it taped into place without too much trouble and stepped back to admire my work for a moment, celebrating with a cigarette.

Okay, by standing there and smoking, I knew that I was just showboating the fact I was that close and she had no idea, but I did it nonetheless. As I finished that cigarette, I wondered how I was going to get the sandwich and soda into her car without waking her.

Suddenly, something I'd heard her mention to one of the other engineers months ago popped back up in my mind. Shera had complained that the window on the passenger side of her car had been broken for ages, and that it could only be raised or lowered by pushing on the glass.

A smirk came to my lips and I went over to the passenger side, placing my hands onto the window. Carefully, I was able to coax the window down just enough to get the soda and sandwich on the seat, before I pushed it up again.

Success!

For the first time since the launch, a smile came to my lips. I was still needed in the world, and I was needed by Shera.

Even if she didn't know it.

Having triumphed in my mission, I went back home and celebrated with a cup of tea.

It wasn't as glorious as space, but it was something.