It's been two weeks since I killed Christian Goddard and all I can say thank Merlin the dementors stopped guarding Azkaban years ago or it really would have been unbearable. How am I coping? Surprisingly well actually, I have a shocking amount of privacy (I think that due to my conections) so no ones discovered the dark mark on my back and I'm safe as Voldemort apparently won't have anyone break in just to kill me. Sure it's not the best way to live, but it will do for now and Ron assures me it's only temporary. He visits a lot even though he's been taken off my case because of personal involvement, I still think he's got a lot of influence in this though. And if he hasn't then my uncle Dennis does. Either way it looks like soon I'll be getting away with murder and it doesn't actually bother me. I mean yeah Chris's death was unfortunate and I know I could have dealt with the situation differently but had I done nothing I'd probably be the one dead and I'd rather it be him than me. He didn't really have a life or future anyway. Harsh? Yes. But I don't really care, that's my way of rationalising it so I can cope. I'm effectively not caring. Although when other people are around I have to act remorseful otherwise ... well it wouldn't do anything for my cause. Draco visited once. Just once. Said that they were trying to keep him away from me. We didn't say much, there wasn't much we could say under supervision but him being there made me feel better and a hell of lot worse once he left what he did say was that Chris's death was kept very quiet. Now for my biggest issue once I get out of this place my protection will be gone and unless I do something to prove my worth I give it a week before my name is in the obituaries.
"Addie get off me" I growled coldly glaring at her causing the poor girl to flinch. All she did was tackle me like she usually did but I just couldn't be arsed with it. I have just got out of Azkaban two and a half minutes ago and now I have my first bruise. Bloody great.
"Sorry" she mumbled, "Just happy you're ok"
"Yeah well there are other ways of showing that without causing physical damage" I snapped and Addie looked at me like I had just slapped her.
"Keira are you ok?" Draco asked looking at me with concern offering me a hand up. Both he and Addie had come to greet me and apparently Aunt Molly was having a big dinner to celebrate my freedom tomorrow.
"Yeah. Fine why?" I replied coolly ignoring his helping hand and getting up by myself.
"Just not acting like yourself" he said also looking slightly hurt.
"Look I'm tired, I just want to go home" I said feigning sincerity knowing I should keep up a bit of my act with Addie around, and smiled apologetically at her.
"Ok, I'll see you some other time then if you want to rest now." She said looking at me cautiously. I just nodded and looked to Draco who apparated us home.
"I want to join the order" I announced to Draco as we got ready for bed. It was pretty much the first thing I really said to him since we got home 7 hours ago.
"Are you crazy?" he hissed staring at me as if I really were insane.
"Possibly" I drawled monotonously "But it makes sense, if I'm in the order then I have to know what's going on with them and then I'll have something I can report back to the dark lord and therefore avoid a tragic demise." I continued sounding quite business like "On the other hand if he doesn't think that's acceptable the closer I am to the order the higher my chance for survival."
"Ok" he said calming down slightly "It might make sense but it's bloody dangerous, your just acting to be caught if you join and then ... Keira just no, don't, you'll die if you do."
"I'm dead if I don't" I said seriously looking him strait in the eye.
"You're set on this?" he asked quietly and I nodded. "Then I'm joining too." I would have questioned him but I knew anything I said would be used as an argument against me and he had that determined look about him so I just nodded grimly.
Unsurprisingly my celebratory dinner turned into a fiasco the second draco and declared that we wanted to join the order, so much so that we had to leave to avoid a hysterical scene from aunt Molly. Apparently she approved of my not taking part as she couldn't bear to see the daughter of my parents become a victim of the war that took their lives or some random crap like that. However I also found out they all approved of Draco now, I think it had something to do with him trying to take the blame for me. Well seeing as the dinner thing didn't go as planned I decided to plead my case to Bill, he had become a very active member in the order since Moody died a year ago.
"Why Keira?" he asked getting a little frustrated "Why now and not when your parents died?"
"Because I was young then, I didn't understand." I Blurted emotionally "And I was angry at them and it was all so confusing and I wanted nothing to do with it. But since I married Draco I've been dragged back into this war and I've been doing nothing! We knew our lives were in danger and we did nothing. And the more time went on the more we expected an attack and we still did nothing, but we can't anymore, I refuse to ever feel that helpless ever again!"
"Is this about the Chris ... incident?" Bill asked softly. 'Not really' I thought
"Yeah, I guess in a way I also need to feel like I'm doing something good, to relieve the guilt ... or something. I don't know I just need to do this" I rambled while looking at him pleadingly.
"Ok." Bill said with a nod "What about Draco? How can we be sure he's really on our side?"
"Because I already told you he wouldn't go back and obviously you believe that or he wouldn't be a free man" I replied rationally "And because his allegiance is to me."
"Damn it Keira I can't take it anymore!" Draco snapped. 'Took him long enough' I thought. It had bee just under a month since I'd been released from Azkaban and amazingly I was still alive. Draco and I had successfully joined the Order of the Phoenix and was therefore able to pass information to the deatheaters. But although I was alive physically I didn't feel like I was actually living. It felt unreal, more like I was watching from the sidelines while my life continued. The Weasley's, Addie and Draco didn't think I heard them muttering about me and my "cold and distant behaviour" ant that it was "Just a phase" and "a reaction to killing Chris" but I did. Still didn't care though. I was waiting to see how long it took before one of them said anything or shouted it as the case may be. "I can't take it none of us can"
"Don't know what you're talking about?" I replied emotionlessly as I walked to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
"Really? Then I'll tell you. I'm sick of this heartless bitch routine you've got going!" he yelled following me.
"Well it's nice you've got that off your chest, do you feel better?" I asked bitterly
"Your pushing everyone away. Addie doesn't even want to be in the same room as you and she's your best friend" he ranted pulling the cup away from me to get more of my attention. He actually hit a nerve. I felt all sorts of emotions come flooding back.
"Good for me" I replied sarcastically as I walked away "Brilliant intervention by the way I feel just great. Now piss off" I yelled hurrying offhoping he wouldn't notice I was on the verge of tears
"No!" he shouted stubbornly still following me "Not until I at lest know why your being like this?"
"Just leave me alone" I yelled back failing to conceal the emotion. "I want to feel nothing. It's the only way I can make it to the next day, otherwise I'll just breakdown and I can't do that. There's too much at risk so just leave me alone"
"No! You can't just feel nothing. It's not healthy and it's not you" he called after me.
"Why do you care anyway?" I sneered trying to head up the stairs only to be pulled back and held against the wall.
"Because I want my wife back" he hissed looking me in the eye and I laughed mockingly.
"Cute. But in case you forgot this is all pretend! Fake! A sham!" I said cruelly.
"Fine!" He growled "Then I want the woman I love back! The crazy smart funny passionate woman I started a relationship with."
"What?" I asked softly staring at him slightly shocked.
"Keira I love you." He said sincerely "I love you how you were and it kills me to see you like this because your like a stranger and I can't cope with it for much longer." He released me and I slowly slumped to the floor. "Keira?" he said clearly concearned. The pain was unbearable as I was bombarded by wave after wave of different emotions, inside it felt like I was being torn apart. I did something I hadn't done since the night I was sent to Azkaban and cried.
After two hours strait of crying I was starting to calm down. And in some odd way I felt better as everything I kept bottled in was out. But then again I also felt worse, I killed a man. But it wasn't intentional. But I felt so extremely happy, Draco loved me. But I felt guilty for being happy as I didn't deserve it ... and so on. It was complicated and confusing but it was normal.
"Draco" I sniffed raising my head from his shoulder to look at him.
"What?" he asked sounding worried. I kissed him softly.
"I love you too" I said smiling. The look on his face was priceless, sort of like relief and unbelievable happiness mixed together
"Missed you" he muttered kissing me back a little more passionately.
"Good" I laughed when he pulled away "And so you should. Oh, and thank you ... for bringing me to my senses"
"Not a problem, just happy you're back to normal." He replied as he tightened his grip on me slightly. "Oh and just so you know you look like shit" I glared at him
"Well I have just been crying for two hours, what's your excuse ferret face" I spat.
"Yep definitely back to normal" he chuckled and I punched him in the arm
"I'm tired" I said before he could complain.
"Guess it has been a tiring day, we should get to bed and go to sleep" he said yawning.
"I'm not that tired yet I said smirking mischievously at him.
"Definitely back to normal" he repeated and kissed me again.