If Misery Loves Company

Chapter 11

Regrets

By Kristen Gupton-Williams

(Sorry for the huge delay. Everyone in my household was sick for the last few weeks, including myself. You didn't want me writing this on cold/flu medication. No, you didn't.)

Well, after that fight with those losers in front of the whole town, things changed. I was, in a way, elected mayor, I guess you could call it. They'd taken me at my word and from then on out, not one decision was made in Rocket that didn't have my stamp of approval on it. Mind you, I was real fucking busy with the plane and the charter business, but I still did what I could for them.

Shera was something else. You'd have thought she was a life long charter business manager with the way she kept things running. Every morning on the days I flew, she would hand me my flight plan right at breakfast, always having figured it out to the minute, weather conditions included and all. I was really impressed and I knew right away that I'd truly done the right thing by hiring her for the job. When I would balance the books during the week, they always came out to the penny. I just can't say enough for how well it was all working.

Even though she'd never complained about it, I figured after a while that doing all the plans and paperwork by hand was probably getting to be a bit much. That was motivation for me to go and pick up a computer for her to use for the business as Christmas drew near. I would have gotten her more, but I had no idea what else I could have bought. For the life of me, Shera never said she needed anything.

And the longer this all went on… the more I wished we were more than friends.

In any event, on Christmas morning, I slogged out to the kitchen. She gave me my morning tea and then waved me out into the family room. I could tell she was up to something when she climbed over the couch.

I was handed a sizable box as I sat in my chair, and before I was able to question her on it, she just told me to open it.

I did so and inside was a new radio for the plane. Something that I, admittedly, had needed for a while but hadn't gotten around to ordering. The fact that she had, though, got my attention. "Holy shit, Shera…"

She was sitting on the ground in front of me, smiling. "Is it what you wanted?"

"It's exactly what I wanted, Shera. I know this thing cost ya a small fortune, though…" I said back quietly. She had gotten the very model of radio that I'd been considering and I knew that it had set her back at least a month's pay.

There came a blush to her cheeks, and as always, she chose to be humble. "It was nothing, Sir."

I took that cue to go and retrieve her new computer. I'd done a shit poor job at wrapping it, since that wasn't something I had ever excelled at. I gave it over and sat again.

"Captain… you shouldn't have…" Shera said, offering me another smile.

I didn't want praise or anything, I just wanted to see if she approved of it or not. "Just open the damn thing already."

Naturally, she turned out to be one of those women that unwraps a present as though they can possibly reuse the paper for something else. That's always driven me completely nuts. Even my own momma does that. "Just tear the fuckin' paper, Shera."

That earned me a giggle from her and she obliged, ripping away the paper until she could see what it was. Her eyes went wide and she flushed bright red again. "Dear God, Captain!"

I didn't want her feeling weird toward me for getting her such a thing so I attempted to cover my tracks. "It's for the business, that's all. I figured it would be easier for y'all to do the bookin' and all that on a computer rather than them ledger books."

She continued to smile and then did something that I wasn't really expecting. Shera got to her knees, closed the distance between us and threw her arms around me. My heart skipped a beat and I held onto her as well, since it had been a long time since we'd really touched at all.

When the hug faded, we pulled back slightly, but I found myself nose to nose with her.

Go for it! Kiss her!!!

I wanted to, God in heaven did I ever want to, and my eyes dropped from hers down to her lips for a moment, as I wondered what she would do if I tried. Instead of kissing her, though, I put my mouth to work and spoke. "Thanks, Miss Shera…"

Shera's voice was little more than a whisper, and it wavered slightly. "…and thank you, Captain."

You have to either kiss the lady or let her go, Goddamit!

I wanted to take option A, but fuck it all if I didn't wimp out and go with option B. I let go of her slowly, smiling through my inner disappointment. "Don't mention it."

She seemed to feel just as awkward in that moment as I did and she got up, saying something about going to make breakfast. I remained in my chair and pretended to turn my attention back to the radio, inwardly still kicking my own ass. "Sounds like a plan."

When her back was to me, I looked up from the box and watched her leave the room.

I had to stay put right in my chair for another good five minutes before I dared to follow her into the kitchen, since… well, during that brief embrace, part of this old soldier came to attention.

Goddamn it all.

On the other hand, it had been a long time since that particular bit of equipment had shown any motivation in regards to attempting something with another. Good to know I might actually be in service if the opportunity ever presented itself.

Look, I'm a man. Yeah, I didn't have a relationship, we don't need to rehash that shit. All this pilot's flights had been solo.

There, now that you've embarrassed yourself beyond all hope, you're going to walk into one of your plane's propellers.

Good idea, die a fuckin' virgin.

Not really, I'm just saying.

That's not to say that I hadn't thought of Shera in that way. I had… I think I'd mentioned it before. Hell, I'd had a dream, just a day before that Christmas about her. That's probably why I'd gotten a little flustered during that hug. I'd dreamt here and there about women in my life, no big surprise. Just, never had it been with an actual person who I knew. This time, though, it was… Shera. I don't really know what to say about it without seeming vulgar, other than she was there beneath me, head pushed back into the pillow on the bed, whispering out my name as she apparently had been favorable to what we were doing at the time.

The dream concluded with you having to wake up hastily and run to the shower.

Enough said.

In any event…

It wasn't much later that I happened to be just walking out of the bathroom. "Shera! There's no Goddamned soap left in the guest ba—"

My words choked off as I found myself looking at my father, Admiral Highwind. It was just an instinct, really. Just seeing the man made my entire body change. My heart pounded in my chest, the primal fear I held for him rearing its ugly head. At least my momma was there, too. "Momma… A…Admiral…"

Shera's gaze switched between our guests and I, as she was at a lost for what to do. I knew she'd never seen this side of me before, and honestly? If she could have gone without ever meeting the man now standing in the living room, it would have been just dandy with me.

Fate hadn't bothered to consult me on that one, though.

And, never did my parents bother to call ahead. I guess the admiral figured I would have vanished if I got word they were coming anyway.

My ever-tactful father broke the momentary silence. "Is this how you treat your guests? You just stand there like a deer in fuckin' headlights?"

I turned my eyes over toward Shera, knowing that at least some sort of offering had to be made to try and appease the admiral, fruitless as though it may be. "Tea."

Ever compliant, she darted off into the kitchen, probably glad for some sort of assignment. We followed her in and I sat at the table, the admiral to my left, mother across from me. Shera served up some cookies and got teacups on the table, before sitting down to my right.

I figured she deserved to be introduced. "Miss Shera, this is my mother, Eden, and my father, Admiral Highwind."

That smile of hers never faltered, even in light of the obvious tension in the air. "It's nice to meet the two of you."

Momma leaned forward and smiled in return. "Well, it's nice to meet you, too, Miss Shera."

I felt the admiral's gaze burning into me and I looked at him as he offered forth one of his generally unwanted statements. "She's the one that botched your launch, ain't she?"

The constant feeling of inadequacy that I'd always felt around my old man caused a bitter tightness in my chest and stomach. I looked to Shera for a moment, before just staring into my cup of tea. "Yes, Sir."

He grunted and I could tell that he was then glaring at Shera. "So what in the hell is she doing here?"

I gave the simpler answer of all the ones that I could have come up with. "She works for me."

Needless to say, he wasn't amused. He never had been in all my life. "Well, send her home. This is a family meeting."

Shera attempted to leave her chair at that, and in one of the rare and slightly defiant moments I'd ever had against the admiral, I gripped Shera's leg under the table, holding her in place. I looked at the admiral, wanting to get my point across, fear or not. "This is her home, Sir."

He's gonna whoop your ass, boy!

As if on cue, the admiral's hand drew back, and without giving it any conscious thought, I flinched, turning away from him and bracing for the possible impact of his hand. Sometimes, some things are just too ingrained into you.

Instead of striking me, though, his hand just crashed into the tabletop. "What the fuck? You let your launch get blown, and now you're gonna tell me y'all are livin' in sin with the bitch that ruined your life?"

Bless my momma for bailing Shera out of there right then. She got up and asked Shera to go with her out into the other room. To my relief, she complied and went with her when I let go of her leg. The only problem?

You're left with the old bastard alone now, Cid. All bets are off.

I fought through the fear. I'd never much had a reason to stand up to the admiral but this time, on the issue of Shera, there was some fight in me suddenly. Turning to face him, I spoke as calmly as I could manage to the bastard, not wanting to provoke him through my tone. "We ain't 'livin' in sin', Sir. She has her own room, I ain't never touched her."

"You a faggot, boy?" he said, his eyes narrowing, a sneer on that hateful old face of his.

"No, Sir." I didn't break away from his stare.

He folded his arms across his chest. "So, you got a fine piece of ass like that in here and you ain't nailin' her, but you're claimin' to be straight? What the fuck is wrong with you? You said she's the one that fucked up your life! You let her live her? I don't fuckin' get you!"

He don't fuckin' get himself, Admiral.

I felt my jaw tense, and I continued to keep my voice down. If nothing else, I didn't need Shera hearing my half of the conversation. "I offered her a place to live, because it was the right thing to do. She had no where to go. She was livin' in her car… She was gonna get raped or killed out there."

"So? She put herself in that position, didn't she?" he shot back.

I had questioned a few times in my mind whether or not Shera had been right in what she did that day. I still didn't know conclusively, but as far as I could tell, she was sincere in her belief that she had done the right thing. "She was just doin' her job, Sir. It was the town and Shin Ra that put her into that position."

His aged eyes narrowed even more at me, and he bared his teeth for a moment. "You're just a fuckin' moron, ain't ya? You've completely lost any kind of testicular fortitude ya may have ever developed over a Goddamned woman."

He will never approve of anything you ever do, Cid. Why try?

Why try, indeed. Fuck. I was actually getting angry. Yeah, angry, and it was pushing aside the chronic fear I'd had of the admiral. "Even if that launch had gone off without a fuckin' hitch, you would still hate me. So what in the hell do you care?"

One of his eyebrows quirked, and his jaw tensed. "What did you just say to me?"

I swallowed hard, steeling myself. Confronting him at all had been something I'd spent my whole life avoiding. No more. I was done with it. "I said y'all have always hated me, and ya always will, so what in the fuck do you care, Sir?"

Run, Cid… run for the mother fuckin' hills!

We stared at one another for what may have been three or four weeks. Okay, it was more like five minutes, but it surely felt longer. I sat waiting for him to make a move to strike me, and he was waiting for… Hell, I don't know what he was waiting for. Surely he knew I wasn't going to back down to him after getting this far.

"You think I hate you?" he asked, his voice flat.

Years of fear had just boiled over into something else and I kept looking him straight in the eye. "You gonna tell me you don't? When you showed up, I was just a little fuckin' kid, Admiral. I was five fuckin' years old! You did nothin' but scream at me… You never fuckin' did anythin' that a dad's supposed to do… You never even fuckin' let me call you my Goddamned dad! You beat the shit outta me…"

I had to stop since I was in danger of choking up.

His lips tersed, but he made no move to hit me. He made no attempt to counter what I had said at all for several minutes. There was something behind his eyes I'd never seen in my life.

Another five minutes or so passed, and I eventually gave up and just looked down into the teacup before me.

"I don't hate ya."

I wasn't sure I'd heard that right. I slowly turned my eyes back over to him. "What?"
It was the admiral that looked away.

Shame, that's shame right there, Cid! Remember this moment…

His voice was soft, a tone that I'd never once heard him speak in before. "I said I don't hate ya. I dunno what else to say. I can't… I dunno what to say to you, Junior. You're my… boy."

Who in the Hell is this and what did they do with the old man?

I had no Goddamned way to respond to that at all. It wasn't something that I'd ever thought I would have to respond to, you know? I probably looked like an idiot to him, as usual, but I remained silent over it for several minutes.

"It wasn't Eden's idea for us to come over today," he said finally, breaking the silence. "It was mine."

Again, what in the hell was I supposed to say to that?

Just shut up and listen. This could be the greatest joke on Earth when he gets to the punch line, he'll beat your ass like you've been expecting him to do!

Something about my old man changed right at that moment. He leaned forward on the table. Suddenly, he wasn't the monster that I'd always seen him as. No… it wasn't until that moment that I saw him for what he was. A feeble old man… incapable of honestly doing shit to me if I didn't let him.

"Junior… ya know, I survived that fuckin' brain tumor…" the admiral said, his voice barely audible. "Don't matter, though… I'm dyin' anyway. I been feelin' like shit for a while and I finally sucked it up and went back to the doctor. My heart's shot, Junior. It's shot and there ain't shit they can do for me at my age. I may have a few months… maybe a few years with medications and what not but…"

Cue stunned silence from Cid…

You ever had one of those strange moments when you look at one of your parents and realize, I mean, really realize, that they ain't going to be around forever? One of those moments when, looking at them you understand that really, you're looking at yourself in the future?

This was one of those.

He was scared. He was honestly scared. I couldn't remember a time in my life when I had ever seen this in him. Then again, I should have known that something was up when he broke from his usual routine of trying to make me feel like garbage. I said the only thing that came to my mind. "What…. What did momma say?"

Something reappeared behind his eyes, and he tensed his jaw. "She don't know."

"You didn't tell 'er?" I asked, leaning forward on the table, confused on some level.

"Naw, I didn't. She'd just worry… you know how she is. Hell, as far as she knows, I quit smokin' ten years ago. I still do it every mother fuckin' day though, when I go out on my walks." He shrugged slightly. "I just don't want her to worry, Junior. I'm only tellin' you because I know you won't."

Whose the ass now, Cid?

"Admiral… I uh…" I tried desperately to think of something right to say. He hadn't, really, in all my almost thirty years, ever given me a reason to care about his ass. I'd feared and on some level hated the man since I met him when he came back from the war. I hadn't shed a tear when I'd found out about the brain tumor years ago. All I had really carried for him was the resentment of what he'd put my momma through, and misery over the way she'd still insisted in sticking by him. She had, literally, sacrificed everything for this man and for absolutely no pay off. None. Now, he was gonna die and not even do her the courtesy of letting her know a little ahead of time.

He was right, though.

I was finding it very hard to care.

I was only worried about what it was going to do to my momma.

"Don't you tell her, boy…" he growled, a more familiar tone cropping back up.

Instinct is instinct and I felt myself go tense again. "Yes, Sir."

"Okay…" he shot back with a slight nod, getting up from his seat.

I stood as well and looked at him. Yeah, he was old, he was tired, he was sick, and he was gonna die. Like he'd predicted, I couldn't find it in my heart at that moment to really care, either.

Maybe you're more like him than you know, Cid. How's that feel?

It didn't feel all that great, actually.

He was waiting for something. Standing there before me, that exterior fell one last time and the admiral's eyes looked away. He wanted something.

He probably wants some sign that you do care. Even the worst of people want a little comfort when you get right down to it.

One of my greatest regrets from that moment was that I didn't do anything. He'd programmed me too well. Too fucking well to give it up for a moment and embrace my father. I couldn't do it. I just… stood.

A few more minutes passed and he cleared his throat, ran a hand through his hair and nodded a little, more to himself than me. He brought his eyes back up, met mine for a moment, seeming to understand, and then turned from the kitchen.

I followed him out into the living room where Shera and Momma were.

"It's time to go," he said, his old usual self back.

The women rose immediately, my momma turning her eyes to me. "Junior, Miss Shera certainly is a nice girl."

I nodded a bit, wanting to fucking cry now, knowing what I did. "She surely is."

Momma smiled and went over to the door, opening it. "Well, we will see the two of you later."

Shera, bless her heart, walked right up to my father. She gave him that perfect smile.

"It was good to meet you, Sir."

He looked down at her, seemingly a little perplexed. "Good day, ma'am."

And there it was… Shera was able to offer more kindness to the admiral than I had.

She didn't put up with years of abuse from him, though.

I don't think it would have mattered if she did.

The admiral and my momma left shortly thereafter and Shera looked over to me. "Are you all right?"

I wasn't going to mention what had been said. She didn't need to know, either. I tried to get myself put back together as best I could. "Yeah. What'd you and Momma talk about?"

Dead silence from her.

That worried me. I wondered if they had overheard something or… hell, I didn't know. "Well?"

She came closer to me and looked up. "Captain, she told me everything."

I felt a little sick to my stomach. I understood that meant that my mother had told Shera about the way the admiral was and once more, I feared that she would think I was going to turn out like him. "She did?"

"Yes," she replied, that smile faint but still present.

"I…" It felt like what little wind I had had just been knocked out of my sails. I didn't want Shera knowing about my past. I didn't.

Shera then had one of those eerily damn perceptive moments of hers. "You're afraid of turning into your father on some level, aren't you?"

Witch! She's a witch! She can read your mind! Make the sign of the fuckin' cross or somethin'!!!

I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I stared down at the floor since I had just been shown a few moments before that I was like him, at least on some level. "I ain't like him…"

She moved a little closer to me. "No, you're not, not like how he turned out to be, anyway."

That struck me as a little odd and I looked at her once more.

She smiled again. "But, from what your mother said about your father, before… what happened to him happened, I think you are. She said he was the most wonderful thing in the world back then, and I think you are now."

With that, she placed her right hand on my shoulder.

I closed my eyes, as a flood of things went through my mind. I couldn't figure out what she meant by that. I placed one of my hands over hers, desperate, in my own way, for contact between us. "Shera…"

I was a little surprised when she kissed my cheek before moving away from me. "I know, she and your father were involved, and we're not. I'm only here for convenience, right?"

That absolutely killed me to hear her say and I tried to respond, but I failed, completely.

You're never gonna figure this one out. A lot of good being a rocket scientist has done you, Highwind.

Shera Sakamoto… greatest mystery known to man.