If Misery Loves Company

Chapter 16

Cowardice

By Kristen Gupton-Williams

I had never been as tired as I was after running around with Cloud and his group. Christ, I was dragged all over the map, forever on the tail of Sephiroth, being fucked with by the Turks at every step.

We ended up in Wutai, went through a bunch of crap, ending in the biggest pimp in the world getting his ass killed. There's a gal on our team, named Yuffie, that was from there, too. She's the thievingest bitch… Seriously, she stole our Materia more than once and I've had to threaten her with her life several times to get my goggles and lighter from her when they would go missing in the night.

It was a living nightmare. The only reprieve I got was at the end of every day when I would sneak off back to the plane and call Shera up on the radio. She would dutifully respond right away. I never really much told her what was going on with me, she would have just worried. Instead, I always just made sure that she was all right. For the most part, from her reports, she seemed to be holding the fort down just fine.

I came to realize as I was away from her, that she dominated my thoughts, especially before I would sleep at night. I was homesick and not because I missed Rocket or the house, but for the sheer fact that I missed Shera. I'd come to rely on her just always being around and now, half a world away, I was miserable.

Days passed, and then something that I'd both expected and dreaded happened, and one of the kids on the team was killed. Her name was Aeris, and the belief was that she was the last of the Cetra race. I wasn't one for that Ancient mumbo jumbo crap, or any of that weird planet religious stuff. Quite honestly, I had always been fairly agnostic most of my life. She was convinced, though, that she alone had the power to stop Sephiroth and like a Goddamned fool, she left one night on her own to try and conjure up some magic.

We found her shortly thereafter, but just as we reached her, Sephiroth… Well, he just sort of dropped from above and ran that sword of his right through the poor girl.

I stood there in disbelief. She looked up at us as he pulled his sword out of her, blood then pouring from the wound. He'd got her good and within a few seconds, the color drained from her face and she fell forward.

Having seen some of my military buddies killed during the war, I knew what death looked like, but with an innocent girl like that… I was honestly nauseous.

Cloud ran forward and cradled her in his arms, I know that boy had gone sweet on her. He began to cry and Sephiroth vanished.

At that point, I was basically ready to call it quits. Cloud laid her to rest out in the lake that surrounded the altar she'd died on, and I walked away to go have a serious think about the situation. I bore part of the guilt, I felt. As the only one with anything even remotely like organizational skills, I should have made sure that girl had stayed put.

But she hadn't and she was dead.

I really didn't think I was up to watching any of the rest of those kids die. Suddenly, I didn't want to have anything else to do with any of this planet saving shit. Thing was? If I left, they'd be a man down and without much guidance.

I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

I did the only thing I really could and I agreed to stay after a long talk with Cloud and Barrett one night.

Things got worse. We went north and discovered that the one pulling the strings behind all this bullfuck was some old monster called Jenova. Whatever the force, it actually got into our heads. We started hallucinating, losing our collective minds, but Cloud seemed to be suffering the most. The bastard was even delusional enough to give the Black Materia to Sephiroth and…

…and then Cloud seemed to vanish into the Lifestream itself.

Shortly thereafter, some of us were captured and taken to Junon. We were slated to be publicly executed on television. Shin Ra was going to play it off as though all that had happened was our fault and that by ending our lives, that the world would be saved.

Tifa was supposed to be the first to die, then Barrett, and then me. I'm not exactly sure how long we were in captivity, but the day of the executions came and they took Tifa away.

We had to escape or die, and escape we did. I won't bore ya with the details, but somehow, we got out of there with our lives. Those of us that hadn't been captured took advantage of the diversion that an attack by Weapon caused and we fled to the airport. There, sat the airship that I'd designed and built when I worked for Shin Ra… the Highwind.

There's a point I need to make here. I'm not such and egocentric fuck as to actually name a ship after myself. In fact, as anyone could see, I didn't name the ship Highwind. As per the dedication I'd painted myself on her side, complete with a pin up girl and all, she was named the Lady Luck. It was the Shin Ra airforce that re-dubbed her the Highwind since they didn't find the name I'd given her somehow fitting for a war vehicle.

None the less, even all these years later, I still considered that ship mine, and so it was with a clear conscious that I stole her and used her to pick up the rest of the group. We remained on that ship for a while. Luckily for me, there was a bit of hero worship amongst the crew that had been maintaining the airship, and they'd agreed to stay on under my command.

Without Cloud with us, I saw no choice but to take over. Tifa, who'd apparently known Cloud most her life was absolutely inconsolable. We drifted for a while and then ended up in Mideel, about as far from all the garbage that was going on as possible. By some trick of fate, Cloud was there, having emerged from the Lifestream, but the kid was in sad shape.

Tifa decided to remain in Mideel at his side until he got better, and I took that opportunity to head back to Rocket to see Shera. I didn't know when another chance to be with her again was going to come along so I took it while I could.

I flew the airship to Rocket and landed it out back of the house. That mother was so big that she practically covered the airstrip.

It was real early in the morning when I landed, as I'd flown straight through the night. I cut the engines and ran through the ship to get outside. The moment I threw open the door, I spotted Shera.

She stood there, the strangest expression of exhaustion, fear, and disbelief upon her face that I'd ever seen.

I felt a smile come to my lips upon seeing her, and having that confirmation that she was all right. I started walking toward her, well, maybe it was closer to a trot, and she ran toward me after giving a small scream of what had to be happiness.

When we finally reached one another, it was just… one of the most perfect moments of my life. I picked her up and swung her around, stopping just short of kissing her. "Glad to see me?"

There were tears in her eyes and she buried her face into my flight jacket. "Captain…"

I continued to embrace her, realizing how small and frail she seemed in those moments. The weeks of being away from her had served to make me appreciate being near her again more than I could have ever imagined. That old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder was absolutely true.

Minutes passed and finally she stepped back and pulled off her glasses to wipe her eyes. I grabbed her hand and went into the house. I'd given the others on the ship the order to stay put. I wanted to be alone with her without any distractions.

Inside, I went and sat at the table as she got to making tea for me out of habit. Soon, she came to the table with two cups of tea, sitting across from me. She looked like she was on the verge of crying again. "Captain… I'd heard that you and the others had been captured and you were going to be executed… I've been so scared."

Now, frightening or worrying Shera had been the last thing that I wanted to do but sadly, the nature of my mission meant that it was unavoidable. Still, it broke my heart. "That's how it was supposed to go but we broke the fuck out and then stole that," I answered, waving toward the back door and thus, the airship. "Fuckin' absurd that I had to steal somethin' I built, ain't it?"

She looked down into her cup, her voice growing quiet. "I don't care what you had to do to get out of there, I'm just glad you did."

I knew that above all else, Shera wasn't stupid so I came clean about who I'd been running around with, knowing that she was already, infallibly, savvy. "Well, I guess y'all know by now that the folks I'm with are AVALANCHE…"

Still not looking at me, she replied, "Yes, Sir, I know."

"Well, they're tryin' to save the world." I knew it sounded batshit insane, but she had to know.

Her hazel eyes panned up to meet mine finally. "Save the world, Captain?"

The seriousness of what I was mired in crushed in on me. "Shera… I've learned and seen shit over the last few weeks that… I uh…"

One of those things being how much I fuckin' love you…

I tried to kill that inner voice and I closed my eyes.

"Captain?" she asked quietly, leaning forward a little.

I couldn't help but envision Aeris' death. "There was a girl with our group… she was just a Goddamned kid… Sephiroth…"

"Sir?" she asked, reaching over and taking my hand.

Feeling her take the initiative to touch me gave me the fortitude to continue and I looked at her again. "I saw her get killed. Right in front of Cloud and the rest of us. Slaughtered like a fuckin' animal."

"I'm so sorry…" she whispered, tightening her grip on my hand a little.

Maybe what I was saying was just exhausted ranting and didn't mean much to her, but still, I went on. "Yeah, now, Cloud ended up gettin' fucked after that, and he fell into the Goddamned Lifestream. He's in a hospital in Mideel at the moment, bein' tended to by that Tifa girl. The others and I left them be for the time bein' and I decided that we needed to stop here. Since I'm the one flyin' that bird, I get to do what I want." With that, I turned my hand over under hers, needing more… contact? "I wanted to just check up on things, ya know?"

A spark passed behind her eyes and I knew right then and there that she honestly did hold deeper sentiments for me than I would have ever imagined. "Everything has been fine, Captain. The town is—"

I cut her off. "I don't give a fuck about the town."

I only give a fuck about you, Shera. I know that now.

She looked at me, searching for an explanation, I figured. I couldn't help but notice that she was blushing a little, too.

I increased the grip I had on her. "We're gonna all spend the night here. The others'll all bunk on the ship, but I wanted one damn night in my own home. In the mornin', we'll head out to keep tryin' to thwart Shin Ra and Sephiroth. For right now, though, I…"

I want to be with the love of my life and the only person I think that would honestly miss me if something happened…

"What's that?" she asked in a whisper.

I needed to clear my mind of what I'd been through. I just wanted to focus on Shera. I wanted to pretend for just one more night that things were fine and that I hadn't wasted the last four years... "I don't want to think about any of that shit for now. I know it ain't close to my birthday, but… do y'all think there's any chance you could make me one of them prime rib roasts?"
She gave me a sad smile, seeming to understand what was on my mind. "Anything you want, Captain."

"Thanks, Shera. I'm gonna hit the shower," I said, giving her hand one last squeeze before I got up and walked toward my room.

Hoping, of course that she would follow.

I knew better than that, though.

By the time I got out of the shower, Shera was AWOL. I knew that she'd just gone out to hit the store and get what I'd requested for dinner. Alone, I went to my chair and fell back into it before the television and turned it on. I probably wasn't there for more than five minutes before I was asleep.

A while later, the smell of that dinner I'd requested cooking, woke me up. I was incredibly stiff from sleeping in the chair but I didn't really mind. I got up, stretched, and wandered into the kitchen. There was Shera, icing a chocolate cake for me. I swear she never forgot a thing.

I coughed, as I tend to do after waking up for whatever reason, and it startled her.

It's because ya smoke three packs a day, dumbfuck.

She spun around with the icing knife in her hand. "Oh, Captain! I didn't hear you get up!"

I raised my hands in a weak gesture, smiling. "Hey… don't frost me to death!"

Shera gave a smile and a chuckle before returning to her task. "You know… it's been awfully quiet around here these last few weeks."

I went and sat at the kitchen table. "That so?"

She nodded, keeping her eyes on her work. "Yes, it definitely has."

I folded my arms on the table and rested my head on them. "Do ya miss me?"

Finishing what she was doing, Shera turned around, her head cocked to the side. "Unbelievably."

That made me smile, and I looked up at her. "I've… missed ya an awful lot, too."

Shera blushed and turned away quickly. "Oh, Captain."

Get up, go over there, and kiss that woman!

I was sorely tempted, but I held my ground. There was a part of me just so damn happy to be at home that... I was content where I was.

Dinner was served up a while later, and although Shera had made all that for me before, it had never been as good. I gorged myself. We didn't have that beer this time, though. Shera said something about not being able to order it on such short notice. Still, though, she'd pulled an ace from her sleeve and presented me with a bottle of Jameson, which is the only whiskey I'll drink. She'd gotten sour mix, too, and we keep our glasses plenty full during the meal and I was blitzed by the time I finished my third piece of cake.

I dragged my ass from the table to the couch, finding Shera at my side soon after. I held her close, just sort of drifting in my mind. I smoked a bit, becoming contemplative. "You ever think 'bout havin' kids?"

I know that caught her out in left field. "If… if I ever found myself married, I would love to."

PROPOSE RIGHT NOW!

I felt a smile on my lips, and confessed a thought I'd had before. "I think you'd make a real damn good momma."

Shera pulled away from me slightly. "You do?"

I looked at her. "Well, yeah. You got the patience of a damn tortoise. Y'all are real good about tendin' to shit. Surely, I'm as hard to deal with as a kid, right?"

She could tell I was being light about things and she gave me a smile. "I appreciate the vote of confidence."

"I just call shit like I see it, Shera."

She moved closer to me again. "And you? Do you think you'd ever like to have children?"

I thought of what it would be like to have a family with her. It was a thought I could quickly get fond of. "Well… I got the easy part, bein' daddy if I did."

"So, you'd let your kids call you Daddy and not make them call you Captain?" she asked.

I laughed, even though it struck a chord with me in light of my own father. Christ, I really should have called my parents at some point. "I ain't as much of a hard ass as the admiral. I think I'd like kids, though. Teach 'em to fly and all that. I just don't know if… I mean… like ya said, there's that whole havin' to get married to a woman I think would be nice to have 'em with."

Oh, slick, Cid. You'd just botched the perfect chance…

The tone of her voice grew quiet. "You just said you thought I would make a good mother."

Wait… no… wait. Okay, Cid. You and she are both drunk. This… is probably better left untouched, ne? Gonna use that common sense this time? Hm?

I decided to put a realistic end to the conversation. She deserved a really great guy. Not an ass like me. "You would. You wouldn't ever marry me, though."

I felt her move a little again. "Why do you say that?"

Because you've been—

I cut my inner voice off and just spilled it. "Because, y'all know me real well. You know what sort've a damn jerk I am, Shera."

"…and you don't think of me like that anyway…" she said, sounding a little upset.

Yeah, he does! But… CID, GODDAMNIT, you're DRUNK. Don't embarrass yourself! BE GOOD.

I couldn't rightly respond to that. If I said I didn't, it would be an out and out lie. If I said I did, then… I ran the risk of weirding her out and losing her all together.

"Captain?" she asked, realizing that I'd retreated into my mind again.

"I don't know if… uh… Shera, I drank too much with dinner and I don't wanna say anythin' in this state that might make us feel weird, ya know?" I looked down at her, my heart honestly aching.

She stared up at me quietly for a bit, before replying. "Well, I can respect that, Captain."

I wanted to cry. I wanted to Goddamned cry like a little fuckin' girl. I realized that I was way too messed up not to get in bed, but now I was terrified to have her move away from me and possibly realize what I really felt for her. I couldn't bear the thought of being alone. I had to leave in the morning. I knew there was a good chance I would never see Shera again.

Now, while I knew I would never do anything to risk rocking the boat with her, I did, desperately, want to know what it felt like to have her lying there next to me in bed. Even if it was with the condition of no sexual advances.

"Shera, sleep with me."

She jumped away from my side a little. "C…Captain?"

I remembered her reaction when I'd jokingly told her I could cure her of her virginity ages ago, and I needed her to know that I was neither proposing sex NOR joking. "I just want ya to stay with me in my room tonight. I ain't gonna try nothin' at all, it's just…"

Her hand came to rest on my shoulder, a blush already on her cheeks. "Sir?"

I just laid it out on the line. "What I've gotten into with these guys… Shera, the world… It's really in danger and I don't know if what we're tryin' to do is gonna mean shit. I don't know if I'm gonna ever get back here and… I really just don't want to be alone tonight. That ain't the alcohol speakin', it's how I'm really feelin'. Will ya?"

She gave me the softest, most wonderful smile I ever saw in all my life. "Absolutely."

Now, normally, I should have become unbearably aroused at that moment. However, there was nothing. I don't know if it was how much I'd drank, since alcohol had played a role in my previous bouts of impotence, or if it was the fact I was honestly afraid that if I did get worked up, I would ruin things all together. Either way…

All quiet on the Western Front, Sir.

Thanks for the report, private. Carry on.

I kissed her cheek and stood up, giving her my hand.

As we went down the hall, I could feel her starting to shake. I figured she was really scared that I was going to try to get away with something. That further strengthened my resolve to keep my word.

Once in my room, I got undressed, down to my boxers, anyway. I sat on the edge of the bed. Shera, in the meanwhile, was lingering over by the door. "Shera, you gonna sleep in all your clothes or what?"

She gave a nervous chitter of laughter and left the room.

I figured that was that and she'd run back to her room. Continuing to sit there, I stared at a pack of cigarettes, wondering if I should have one, but then she, to my relief, returned. "I was thinkin' y'all were gonna just go into your room and vanish for the night."

She came over and landed on the other side of the bed, blushing horribly again. "No, I'll stay with you. I'd do anything."

I was really grateful for her and everything she'd done for me. I flipped the light off and settled in. I got on my side, wishing she wasn't remaining so far to the side. "Shera?"

"Yes?" she asked, her voice sounding shaky.

I decided to just give the command. "C'mere."

She wasted no time in getting within my reach. I pulled her closer, until I was spooned up against her back. I kissed her cheek, before nuzzling in against the back of her neck. "G'night, Shera."

"Goodnight, Captain," she whispered back.

I didn't fall asleep right away, even though there was enough alcohol coursing through my veins to have stripped paint. No, I was awake, and just reveling in the fact that she was there, with me. It was unfuckingbelievable.

…and you didn't hoist the main sail.

Nope, not a touch of arousal. Damn good thing, too, because the way we were laying, she would have noticed.

I did, eventually drift off, and had the best night's sleep that I'd honestly had in years. Probably the best rest that I'd had since before the rocket project so damn long before.

However, like all good things, it didn't last forever. I opened my eyes at around five in the morning. Shera and I hadn't moved a bit in the night. I laid there awake for several minutes, just soaking up those last moments. Carefully, I slipped out of bed and got dressed. I had a horrible hang over, but I got myself together as quickly as I could. I knelt at the side of the bed for a few moments, just kind of watching her sleep.

I debated on whether or not to wake her up.

…and you chose not to. And why, Cid?

Because I was a coward.

Explain that to the nice ladies and gentlemen.

I was afraid that she'd wake up and cry when I told her I had to go, thus making it real Goddamned hard to leave.

Try again, this time without talking from your ass.

…I was afraid she would wake up, see me go and not cry.

Because?

…because if she didn't cry, then she probably didn't love me after all.

And so?

…and so I ran. I grabbed the left over cake, picked up my coat, and walked from the house without waking her.

I got on the ship, fired up the engines, and got us on our way.

I ran.