Disclaimer – I do not own Artemis Fowl… unfortunately.
Chapter 11 – In which the LEP is in chaos and Trouble Kelp comes knocking
Down in Police Plaza, things were more than a little bit chaotic. And Captain Grub Kelp really wasn't helping things.
Nobody really knew why (or how) Sool had persuaded the Council to pass the younger Grub brother in his Captain exam. After all, his performance was way below the mark to become a Captain, and his ability to act under pressure was even worse than his field simulation.
As Wing Commander Vinyaya had commented, it was a miracle that Grub was still on the force after his performance. Even Holly Short, who had been the wild card in this exam, had beaten him by shooting the simulator. Grub Kelp simply got killed by panicking and running around the room screaming for Mummy.
So now you see why the entire of Police Plaza was now in pure alarm. Especially since Major Kelp was visiting the ex-Captain, Miss Short at the Short and Diggum's Detective Agency.
"Holy Frond, why did Sool have to choose the worst elf for the job of Retrieval Captain?" Foaly muttered angrily, as he bit a carrot. Feeling like a small conversation with an friend, he patched up Holly on the screen.
Holly and Trouble were sitting so close together that it just didn't look like the kind of distance that friends would sit together at.
"Well, sorry for interrupting you two lovebirds." Grinned Foaly. "I didn't mean to intrude. Carry on."
"Foaly! You are so dead as soon as you set foot out of that lab of yours…" Started Holly, crossing over to the control panel with such speed that Trouble seemed to topple over with force of it.
"Er… Holly… maybe we should ask Foaly why he called us." Ventured Kelp, knowing that Short had an uncanny knack for punching people in the nasal area after being annoyed.
"Yes, Foaly. Why don't you tell us why you called me just now?" Foaly could see the 'black widow' look in Short's eyes right now, and he gulped. For once, he was really hoping that something would come up during Grub's shift, just so that he could escape from that glare.
And, lo and behold, something came in from Ivy's computer.
Of course, whenever Kestrel contacted them, it never meant anything good. Especially since this was the first time that she had called them.
"Er… I have something, but you're not going to like it." These were sensitive areas, seeing as Holly had acted as Kestrel's carer, in the loosest sense of the word.
"I work in the LEP, Foaly. I work with things that I don't like every hour." Trouble Kelp had always been annoyingly gung-ho about the entire LEP business. Holly and Foaly both rolled their eyes.
"Just give us the situation, would you, Foaly?" Demanded Holly. The centaur winced. Now he understood where Ivy had gotten her directness from. They really should have given her to someone with a sweeter temperament.
"Okay, Holly. I've got a signal from Kestrel's computer. The message is pretty scrambled, and it starts like this, 'Foaly, I'm really sorry that this message is hurried, but it's hard to write when you're in a Mach 15 helicopter and the pilot's a bit too eager to impress…'"
Both Kelp and Short looked at each other with worried expressions. "What code has she put into it?" Holly asked, refraining herself from slamming the keyboard.
"Er… yeah. It's on Epsilon-Beta-Beta alarm. Mean anything?" Inquired Foaly, who had never liked speaking in tongues, and so could never decipher what any of Kestrel's notes meant.
"It'll mean something as soon as you've read the entire thing to us, Foaly." Frowned Kelp, massaging the tips of his ears.
"Right. Ah… 'Anyway, tell Holly that you need to arrange for transport to Chicago…'" Here, even the centaur's features creased in confusion, "'as Artemis and I are going to visit my stupid distant relation Spiro…'"
And that sorted matters immediately. The LEP Major, ex-Captain and ex-convict were off to Chicago.
When the two elves and dwarf arrived in Police Plaza, the place may as well have been a Mud School, with the paper aeroplanes and coffee mugs flying around all over the place. Holly's eyebrows shot right up.
"Things have changed dramatically, then? I remember when Commander Root was alive," Tears came up involuntarily in her eyes at the mention of the name, "that he wouldn't even allow us to talk to the next cubicle." She covered the tears with a half-hearted smile.
Major Trouble Kelp sighed, "Yes, but that was before my little brother was promoted to Captain."
"Your… your brother?" Holly knew the proper manners required, and she only hissed 'D'Arvit!' when Kelp's back was turned.
"EVERYONE CALM DOWN!" Trouble Kelp took command. "Alright, people. I know that the recent arrest of Sool has us all 'shocked and worried' but that doesn't mean that we have an excuse to start 'mourning' in this fashion. Now come on, Miss Short, Mr Diggums and I have an urgent appointment on the surface with some Mud Men."
Everyone nodded, and saluted. Kelp saluted back, and beckoned menacingly to his brother.
"Grub… get over here, and I don't want to hear a single word about Mummy, okay?" He hissed threateningly. His brother's eyes were with half-defiance and half-terror. "What were the paper aeroplanes about?"
"Erm… I thought it might have lightened the mood a little…"
"And the coffee mugs?"
"Er… that was an accident."
"So I understand that you started both these fights? The one with the paper planes and coffee mugs?" The elder Kelp's eyes were flashing dangerously now.
"Erm…"
Kelp sighed. He would have dearly loved to drop-kick his brother out of the LEP, but there were family issues to consider. For once thing, if he did fire his brother, he would have to face his mother. He shuddered, now there was a fate worse than death.
"Okay, Captain Kelp. You'll spend six months on grunt work and I expect you to help clear up this mess with the cleaners, seeing as you're the one who effectively caused it. You got me?"
"But Mummy said…"
"Mention 'Mummy' once more and it'll be ironing my shirts as well!" Grub immediately scampered off to fetch a magnetic dustpan and brush.
Major Kelp caught a passing gremlin, and indicated his little brother to the gremlin, "See that he does all the clearing up manually, would you? The Mud Man way."
Holly Short stared in wonderment. She was suddenly very glad that she didn't have an older brother.
Artemis was still clinging to his seat, despite the fact that the windows were reinforced glass that could withstand bullets and his seat-belts. All he knew was that the pilot was crazy with speed. He turned to Ivy and asked,
"What is it with your pilot and speed?"
Ivy looked up calmly, and put out a hand to stop herself from toppling over as the pilot turned the copter sharply.
"Oh, this is one of his slowest modes. Usually, by now we'd be able to see Pearl Harbour. I think that Mother's requesting him to go this slow."
Artemis shook his head in pure amazement. And he thought his childhood had been above an average adolescent's life. It seemed that his new friend had a much more exciting and supernatural history than even himself.
Five minutes, several bruises and dozens of mental curses later, the three were walking the streets of Chicago.
Melissa checked her watch, then looked around the town. "Why don't you two go off together for a while? I have some errands to make here." She smiled one of her dazzling smiles, and turned heel and stepped into a waiting taxi.
Artemis was captivated. Ivy snorted, and elbowed him in the ribs. "Remembering that she's the one who was prepared to kill me to protect me." She whispered firmly, leading him away.
"But she's so… so… words cannot describe it." Artemis had been hit by Melissa's charm head on, and he was feeling the effects of it right now. Ivy rolled her eyes, turned around and promptly slapped him.
"Ow! What was that for?" Asked a shocked Fowl, rubbing his cheek where his diminutive friend had hit him.
"I think the word you're searching for is, 'perfect'." Ivy stated stonily, before turning heel and marching away, head in the air.
Her mother's enough, but Ivy's just literally impossible… and she's unfortunately inherited some of her mother's charm. In fact, a lot of it. Artemis fumed as he raced after Ivy. "Kestrel! Stop right there! Cease your quick pace, before I call on Butler to…"
Ivy whirled round to face Artemis, and tore her gaze away from his cold, blue eyes before they drowned her, "Go find my Mother, if you're such a perfectionist. Go to her and grovel, don't come to me and ramble on about her!" She could feel herself colouring. This is so immature. I haven't thrown such a tantrum since I was six! How is Artemis doing this to me?
Fowl, however, was thinking desperately on how to make it up to his newest and probably best friend so far in his life. His overly large brain was churning away, with two main questions sticking out like sore thumbs,
Why did he even want to be friends with Kestrel after that little outburst and
How Mrs Kestrel had made him feel that way.
Now kidding, Melissa Kestrel was beautiful, and she was graceful, ladylike… and that meant that she could wrap men (even boys who still had a few years to go) around her little finger. It was amazing how much damage she could cause by just smiling at someone.
"Kestrel, look, I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean that you can behave so childishly…"
Here, Ivy cracked. It was one thing to drool all over a girl's mother, but to say that she, Ivy Saraswati Kestrel, was childish, was just stepping about a metre over the line.
She was about to slap Artemis again when her subconscious whispered to her, Melissa's got her gift… he can't help it if he's attracted to her…
Horrified, she had to agree. Her mother could make any man sigh after her, chasing after her and professing their love and passion (even though she was a married woman) after just one look at her smile. It was talent that Ivy hadn't inherited, and she was a little put out by that fact.
"Okay, Fowl, I'm going to forgive you, but if you mention my Mother anytime when I am within a ten mile radius, then you're going to be lucky to be able to take liquids afterwards." She snapped, walking down an alleyway.
Artemis took one disdainful look at the surroundings, took a deep breath, and marched right in after her. Feeling slightly undressed without a Butler at his side, he rebuked himself silently for ever submitting to his parents' wills and taking part in this exchange.
Pex and Chips were still quite well off, considering that they had just been let out of prison and were on probation. They worked part-time in a video store, got paid enough to buy McDonalds every night, and could watch as much Barney as they liked.
The pay wasn't as good, but anything was worth just sitting there and watching movies all day, handing people the amount of change they needed and scanning the lines on the cases.
Near to the end of their probation, a pretty (they hadn't got the brain capacity to describe her as beautiful yet) and rich woman waltzed in and charmed them blind. The next thing they knew, they were delivering boxes from Pizza Hut to where Mr Spiro lived now. They didn't know what was in those boxes, but they certainly weren't metal, seeing as they were let in immediately after the scanning.
Pex turned to Chips the day Artemis and Ivy had arrived in Chicago, and said in a monotonous voice,
"Isn't it weird that that pretty woman is always there right behind the guard when we're delivering this stuff?"
"Yeah, but she pays good money… maybe all delivery people get this much money?" Chips asked, stuffing a handful of Cheese and Onion Chips into his mouth. "D'you think we need a job change?"
Pex frowned, churning his brain thinking. After a few minutes, he finally came to the conclusion, "Nah, we're paid pretty good right now, and nothing's better than what we're doing now."
And, smiling dimly, they both marched onwards, completely oblivious of the fact that the Pizza boxes were about five times the weight of a normal pizza.
Melissa Kestrel came up to the two blockheads, disgusted but amazed that there were such idiotic beings in this reality. She was almost certain that in her reality, anyone this stupid would have been killed on the spot. She beckoned them, and they came lumbering after her, like a pair of lapdogs.
"Boys, I have a special request today. It's very simple, really, a girl is coming to your shop today. Here's a picture." She handed them her daughter's thirteen-year-old birthday picture. She was laughing, carefree of work and magic and the responsibility of maintaining the People's safety underground. She was just there.
"I expect you to bring her here. She's Mr Spiro's niece, and she'd love to see her uncle again. It's been so long for her."
The two gorillas spent ages comprehending this task, and finally Pex asked,
"If she kicks and screams, will we have to hurt her?" It seemed such a shame to hurt such a pretty little girl… especially someone so much like this pretty woman.
"Oh no." Mrs Kestrel smiled maliciously, "She won't. Trust me, she'll come as quietly as a lamb, and even if she does kick a bit, you'll still think that she's coming along peacefully."
She paused, and re-addressed the two men. "Oh, and there's a boy with her. He doesn't matter to me… if he tries to stop you from bringing her, you may incapacitate him."
And she left, leaving Pex and Chips trying to understand the meaning of 'incapacitate'.
A/N: Dun dun duh! Cliffie (I think)! Oh, I feel so evil!
Sorry I haven't updated in a while! The computer's denying me access (grr…) but here's the new chapter! Hope you like it!
Sorry, I haven't had time to actually thank all of my reviewers…
Joe-Snow – thanks for the comment on grammar… it shows that I'm finally getting the hang of it!
Rose J Lupin – cool! I'm trying to hurry but I'm one of the worst people to be told to hurry!
Violetlaurel – thank you!
Spiller Sonigue – thank you! I am trying to keep up!
X3fall baby fall – thanks! For both reviews!
Maeve Autmun Starkey – thank goodness, I was hoping that someone would notice that this is about the most romantic Arty's gonna get
Helltanz98 – okay, my updates are a bit spaced out, but they are coming!
Darkingfire – THERE WILL BE MORE SOOL BUT KICKING LATER ON!
Kathaka – thank you for both reviews!
Ashley – I know, I meant for Ivy to be that way. You'll find out more about why she's perfect later on… but please keep reading!
shadowmaker - Yeah, I know… that's what some of my friends said about it…
go holly go trouble – thank you! I WILL keep on going!
Ponee – thanks for all THREE reviews! Keep reading!
Scrivania – here's the update, and yeah, I think that Arty and Ivy will go so well together!
How would everyone feel about a Holly/Trouble pairing? Please give me your opinions, otherwise I'm going straight ahead and putting Holly back onto the LEP, and I'm going to get the two of them together… so any opposed, give me your reasons and they'd better be good!