Childish

By: Sonnie

Tenten imagined her feet were flying over the floorboards of the mansion as she fled him. The tears wouldn't stop—they refused to stop even as she wiped them away angrily. They stung as she ran blindly through the corridors, not really sure which way led where but she just wanted out.

Her hand flew to her hair, braided and secured with her mother's cherished pins. Yanking the expensive ornaments out of her hair with disgust, she threw them on the ground, not caring whether or not she'd see them again. Not wanting to. She'd just…tried so hard and it wasn't enough. Nothing ever was. She didn't even know if there was an enough.

Nothing matters if you reason everything to fate, Tenten thought bitterly.

Flinging the door open, she ran down the path that led to the gate, her exit. Not noticing the way the rain was pelting her with icy drops of water that soaked her hair and ruined her borrowed gown and mixed with her tears until she couldn't tell what was nature and what was pain.

Tenten stiffened as she approached the gate. Kankurou was blocking her way, and even though he was stronger, he wasn't armed her taijutsu was superior. Not giving any sign of moving aside, she was fully prepared to kick his ass into next week when he spoke.

"Leaving so soon?"

Tenten felt a flash of anger at his light, mocking tone. How dare he?

"What the hell does it matter if I am?" Tenten challenged. "Have you nothing better to do than torment the poor little girl that was just rejected by the man she's had feelings for since she was twelve?"

Kankurou regarded her quietly for a moment. "In case you haven't noticed," his voice began softly, "you're not a little girl anymore."

Tenten glared at him, her fighting stance remaining. She had to look like a little girl; a little girl who was playing dress up, ruining Kankurou's graciously lent clothes in the rain. Her wet hair hung around her face carelessly in its messy braids, just like those of a little girl's.

"Leave me alone!" Tenten commanded savagely, not caring how defeated and torn her voice sounded as it escaped her throat like a wounded cry.

"You don't sound like someone who wants to be alone," Kankurou told her solemnly.

With a broken cry, she charged at him. She wanted him to move; she wanted to move somebody. She at least wanted to consolation of being able to do that. Kankurou barely managed to sidestep and grabbed her arms and twisted them behind her rather sharply. They spun around as she tried to break free. Screaming in rage, she felt the anger die when she felt the cold, wet slap of his sand-colored hair against her bare back. Hunched over, his forehead rested between her shoulder blades as his hands held her arms.

A sob escaped her throat as Kankurou felt the tension melt away from Tenten's body. His grip prevented her from dropping to the pavement in a broken, crying heap. Easing her gently to the ground, he sat beside her. The rain continued to fall around them, on them, but it was only a background distraction to them.

"I don't understand him," Tenten said softly, her voice shaking. "I don't see how I was endangering the mission by just talking to him. I came here as pretending to be your fiancée, yes, but you and the host were meeting in another room. He wasn't there to see me talk to Neji so it wouldn't have mattered. I was so surprised to see him…happy, even. Why is it so important to him that I hide how I'm feeling?"

Kankurou felt his heart twist painfully as the heavy, warm weight of her head fell against his shoulder in defeat. "I guess…he sees it as a sign of strength," Kankurou said quietly. "It isn't…easy…to suppress your feelings. And from everything I've gathered about his family, restraint and image are the most important things."

Tenten looked down to where his hand rested next to hers, a small smile on her lips. "You really make me feel better."

"But I won't ever be able to make you feel like him," Kankurou said with a sad shrug. "And I can't. Maybe we're just meant to be unhappy. You love him but he makes you miserable. I care about you but you're always sad because of him."

Tenten gave a brittle laugh. "We're fucked up, you know that, right?"

Kankurou found a bitter smile had twisted his lips into a grimace. "Yeah," he said.

"All I wanted was a dance," Tenten said shyly. "It would have been enough to hold me over until the next time he decided to glance my way or say my name…Just enough for me to cling to him…"

-O-

Neji retraced Tenten's steps through his house, leaning down to retrieve her hair pins. One of them was broken—the shiny enamel had cracked under her fury when she flung it on the ground. They were fine hairpins; her mother's, he realized. The woman had died and left Tenten with only a few meager possessions, but she had always taken so much pride in them.

Tenten had been absolutely radiant…her dress, her hair, her smile. Everything had been so beautiful it hurt him to look at her. So he didn't. That tactic never worked with her; even without Byakugan she would manage to always stay within his sight somehow, even when she wasn't even there.

When they had gone on missions together, she would always be there to guard his blind spot. She had been in the very back of his mind then, not too significant or noteworthy. Now he had a different partner to guard Byakugan's blind spot but he realized that now Tenten was always poised at the peripheral edges of his mind, prepared to take center stage if he let his thoughts wander.

Neji couldn't pinpoint when her childish crush on him became something more. He wasn't even sure if it was ever childish, really. It wasn't the blind idolization that Ino had for Sasuke, nor was it the maddeningly blind devotion of Sakura to the same man. It wasn't Hinata's mutual admiration for Naruto or Kurenai's shy relationship with Asuma. It wasn't the tortured connection Kakashi had to Rin or the playful relationship between Anko and Genma.

It wasn't one thing Tenten felt for him, there wasn't just one word to describe it; it was an ever-evolving idolization and devotion and adoration and hesitation and pain and they all confused and scared him. Was he supposed to react with the same intensity? Where would he find it? He never had the use for emotions before…only hatred. And now that it was gone, he saw no reason to go back to feeling.

Neji was used to fear. Neji was used to reverence. But Neji wasn't used to a startling combination of them mixed with love and long dark hair and brown eyes with a twinkle in them that he would never have, that he couldn't have, that he wouldn't ever know. She was always so childish—the way wore her hair, the pink she always donned, the moments he caught her daydreaming.

So childish…

Neji had been a happy child until his father died. Hatred had consumed him for so long it was difficult approaching others with anything but. He'd begun to change a little, but he knew he didn't deserve the looks of admiration she gave him. His abilities as a ninja were different than those he'd ever possess as a human being. Emotions were weak and they caused complications and hesitation and they were things he could not afford as a shinobi. Even Shikamaru had botched things during a mission when Ino was involved—Neji refused to have such an obvious disadvantage.

When Tenten had asked him to dance, he'd turned her down. She was miffed at first, saying that it didn't have to mean anything but he knew if he accepted it under those new terms she set it would make her upset. It would have made him upset, too, he realized.

-O-

"Is love childish?" Tenten asked Kankurou. Both were soaked to the skin but oblivious to the rain. His suit jacket was draped over her shoulders; the waterlogged fabric didn't protect her from the rain but provided some warmth.

"Yes and no," Kankurou said cryptically. "Depending on the type, it can be childish. Or it can be a great sign of maturity. But everything's always easier when you're a child and you love someone."

Tenten eyed him warily. "You're a great actor, Mr. Puppeteer, but a lousy philosopher."

The blond shrugged. "Love ought to be a simple thing and everyone complicates it needlessly."

"All I wanted was a dance," Tenten said with a bittersweet smile. If she concentrated hard enough, she could hear the strains of the orchestra hired to play coming from the heart of the mansion.

Kankurou gave her a small smile. "Do you still want to?" he asked her shyly.

Tenten looked at him hard. Kankurou was sure she would say no, so when she smiled at him so big it hurt to look at her, he was surprised. The smile was incredible but the tears had returned. Kankurou had seen countless performances of what were considered the most beautiful tragic plays ever written, but never had he witnessed something that felt so good but hurt so deeply. A smile that was sincere and insincere all at once.

"Yeah, I would like a dance," Tenten said, her voice cracking. "Besides, I have to put your lessons to good use. I'm going to dance well even though no one's watching. I don't think anyone's even noticed we've left the party."

"That meeting was the only reason I had to come here," Kankurou told her as his arm went to her waist and his hand held hers. Her pushed the jacket from her shoulders so she could lift her arms properly. "After we were done talking, I came out here, figuring you wanted to stick around inside a bit longer."

It went without saying that he thought she wanted to be with him.

"Kankurou?" Tenten whispered, leaning her head against his shoulder.

"Hm?" he asked, a bit concerned.

"I love this song."

He smiled.

-O-

Neji had been standing in the doorway, the wind whipping the rain against his suit. His colorless eyes fell upon the dancing figures of Tenten and Kankurou. Moving the beat of the music from within the house, the couple didn't have a dry spot on them. Kankurou's coat appeared to have had been draped over her shoulders but it lay in a wet heap several feet away.

Both arms wrapped now around her waist, Kankurou's head was resting against the crook of Tenten's neck. One arm around his shoulders, the other hand clutching his head to her tightly, Tenten's face was looking up at the black sky where the rain kept falling.

The song ended and they hesitantly pulled their bodies apart. Their foreheads touching, they spoke in hushed voices for a moment before she was enveloped in a painful squeeze. But it was a sweet kind of pain and she relaxed in his arms.

"I don't know what I'm doing," Kankurou told her, his voice broken just like her pride.

"I know," she said sadly. "Neither do I."

"I told myself I wouldn't ever think of you as anything more than a comrade," Kankurou admitted. "I told myself that a long time ago."

"Surprise, surprise," Tenten said wryly. "You went from being dark and gloomy to being a womanizer."

"But you're the only woman I've ever womanized," Kankurou said with a grin. "You should feel special."

Tenten smiled. "I do," she admitted. "But this whole mess is hard on both of us."

"But hey, at least you're beautiful when you're sad," Kankurou said with the barest of smiles.

"I've forgotten what I look like when I'm happy," Tenten told him.

Kankurou smiled sadly. "You're even more beautiful then." He bent down to pick up his ruined coat.

"Mr. Puppeteer, how did it come to pass that I be the one to pull your strings?" Tenten asked him loftily, a tight smile twisting painfully at the hidden meanings.

"I'm not sure, I just know it happened sometime after you let him pull yours, little girl," Kankurou shrugged.

"I thought you said I wasn't a little girl anymore," Tenten remarked.

"I don't want you old and jaded like me," Kankurou joked, not really much of one all things considered. "I want you to remember what it's like to be happy, because maybe one day we'll get this all worked out."

"But it's not going to be this day," Tenten murmured.

Kankurou shook his head. "I've got to get home tonight and report back for a new mission," he said, leaning against the iron-wrought gate. "Neji or one of the other jounins can take you home, alright? And in case anything happens to me on the mission—"

"Yes, yes, I'll take care of things," Tenten said, waving a hand dismissively, a small smile appearing. "I'll make sure Temari doesn't dance on your grave and call curses down on your good name. I'll clean and polish all your scary demented puppets. I'll even make sure Gaara becomes the best swimmer Wind Country has ever seen. Just don't d—" she paused, realizing she'd almost said die, then settled for "please come back, okay? We need to figure this all out."

Tenten took the comforting hand he extended and pressed it against her heart, feeling the intrinsic warmth of his flesh through the fabric of her dress even though his skin was wet and cold. They'd both get sick from being outside in the rain so long she thought absently.

Kankurou stood there with her like that for a moment before she felt his hand disappear. She watched him leave, staring down the road where he had vanished from sight a long time ago.

-O-

Behind her, Neji remained in the doorway. A part of him wanted to go to her when she slumped against the gate, sitting in the rain alone, bereft. She was staring straight ahead, not really seeing anything as the rain continued to fall. Neji lost track of time before she got up. Turning her back to him, Tenten opened the latch of the gate with her cool fingers, their temperature warm against the icy metal.

Neji watched as she slipped outside, disappearing down the opposite path Kankurou had taken. He wondered if somehow they'd meet up even after going in opposite directions. After all, he and Tenten had walked a similar path but never seemed to end up in quite the same place.

Standing in the rain she had looked too beautiful to be his smiling former teammate or Shikamaru's "average" ideal or an ex-ANBU member who refused to tell anyone why she really quit or even a kunoichi who used to wear her hair in buns. She was just…a woman. She was angry and broken and wearing a dress that belonged to another man's dead mother as she danced with him in the rain. And when she'd looked after Kankurou's back as he left her he wondered if perhaps she felt the same way when she used to stare after his.

Things were easy before I decided to acknowledge that she might have feelings for me, Neji thought. But even then, as long as I didn't pay attention either way it didn't matter. I can't just ignore anymore…everything is either an acceptance or a rejection and for once I'm given a choice about something and I really can't say that I want to make it.

How can I recognize something I've never really experienced? Neji wondered. I'm not going to get all mushy like Naruto does with Hinata…for one thing Tenten would be freaked out if I ever acting halfway like that idiot, another being that Naruto just achieved unheard of new levels of pathetic and sappy to proclaim his feelings.

Kankurou is serenading her…Neji frowned. But he's doing it in secret, away from prying eyes and gossip and the judgment of others. He's telling how he feels in such personal ways but without embarrassing her with fanfare. And even though he's pretty stern he's also more sensitive to how she feels…

Neji was once again awed by Shikamaru's composure. At least Tenten was sane and wasn't half as pushy as only one of the blondes who was rapidly pursuing the beleaguered Nara. The poor guy hadn't done anything; trouble just came to him, probably in what Shikamaru would grumpily call irony. Neji wasn't sure it was irony insofar as bad luck.

Neji questioned just how often Shikamaru thought about those women…each of them equally intense in their affections, jealousy, and wrath. Tenten wasn't the type to be so forceful…which only made it harder to tell how she really felt.

Is it love? Neji wondered. It's more than friendship but it can be anywhere from a little crush to something I can't fathom. Sometimes I think she loves me but then she's off with Kankurou…I don't know if what she has with him is love either. Neither of them ever seems that happy around each other but there's always this strong sympathetic connection between them…like they're doomed and they know it.

Neji remembered Sasuke…how he had feelings for Sakura he couldn't explain or justify or understand. The Sharingan user felt something but really had no idea how to act on it. It just wasn't in his vocabulary to be gentle or patient or sympathetic and every time the pink haired girl had done something for him it was met with confusion, anger, or indifference. Perhaps his demeanor wasn't so much a defense mechanism as genuine uncertainty.

And this is what I'm going through? Neji sneered. At least Tenten's smart enough to move on if I don't reciprocate, isn't she?

Neji felt his frown deepen when he remembered her words about Sakura and Uchiha.

"I think she's an idiot," Neji said blithely, scoffing at how a girl so smart could be so stupid.

"I…feel sorry for her," Tenten murmured quietly. "You can't help how you feel…the whole world and even logic itself can tell you that it's wrong to love someone, but there are times when you just can't help but do it."

"That's nonsense," Neji said dismissively. "How can a person call their emotions their own if they don't even adhere to their own sense of reason?"

"But emotions don't have to be logical," Tenten said. "That's why they're so powerful. That's why they mean so much. A mind can only come up with so many excuses, but a person's heart doesn't get hung up in all that. It just…is what it is. It's a person's essence in its purest form."

Neji wondered vaguely if he was falling in love.

But even if I am, how am I supposed to know? he asked himself as he mentally retraced Tenten's steps from the house for the tenth time. I'm not just going to fall down at her feet and beg for her to return my feelings, whatever they are.

Still…maybe next time I can at least dance with her.