Chapter 16: Without You
Kori sighed as she looked around the hospital room. 'Hopefully this'll be my last look at a hospital room for a long time.'
"Hey, you almost ready?"
Kori jumped at the sound of Raven's voice from behind her. She had forgotten Raven had come to bring her a change of clothes to leave in and help her home considering the doctor didn't wasn't her driving for a few more days. "Yes Raven, I'm ready to go."
"I'm so glad that you're finally getting out of here. I missed you."
Kori turned around to look at her and she continued. "I was so worried about you, Kori."
Kori smiled and headed for the door, "well I'm fine now, can we go? I want to feel fresh air again."
Kori turned away from the rushing view outside the window of the car to stare at the ring on her finger. 'What am I going to do? I don't want to hurt Roy but…I cannot marry him.'
"…Kori?" Kori head snapped up and she turned to face Raven. "Yes Raven?"
"You okay? I've been calling your name for the last five minutes."
Kori stared at her wide eyed; she had been so distracted by her own thoughts that she hadn't even noticed Raven calling her name. "Oh, I'm sorry. I have just been…distracted lately."
"Having doubts?" She asked bluntly staring straight ahead at the road.
Kori stared at her in shock, "wh-what? Doubts? Doubts about what?"
"Your marriage. Your love life." Pulling the car into Kori's driveway she shut off the engine but neither of them moved.
Kori stared straight ahead, "Raven, nothing is wrong with my love life, my life in fact is fine…wonderful actually. It's, it's…" Kori trailed off looking down and fiddling with her fingers. "Oh, Raven!" She gasped feeling the tears burn behind her eyes and then pour down her cheeks. "I am not in love with him, I don't want this wedding. I didn't see it before because I just wanted so much to never be hurt again. Marriage to Roy is safety but it is not happiness…I do not know which I want more."
"It'll be okay Kori, it will be. I promise you that and you know that I'm here for you…I'll always be here for you," Raven whispered in her ear pulling her into a hug. "I know years ago life wasn't easy and sometimes, it wasn't even worth living, or at least that's what it felt like. And I know what you've been through, you have every right to feel scared but…" she pulled Kori back and looked directly into her eyes, "don't let that compromise your happiness. You don't deserve that."
"Raven, I don't know what I would ever do without you. But, I still don't know how I'm going to tell Roy." Stifling a sob she wiped her eyes. "I don't want to hurt him Raven; Roy is a wonderful man who deserves to be happy."
"You have to tell him though; you can't go through with this marriage. It isn't fair to you or him for that matter. C'mon, lets get you settled back home." Opening her car door she came around the other side and opened Kori's door as well.
"Thanks," Kori whispered quietly climbing out of the car.
Stepping inside Kori inhaled deeply, "it feels nice to be home and away from that hospital."
"Let's hope none of us have to go near the hospital ever again. Hey, you want something to eat?"
"Um…sure. I'm not sure what food we have in the house. I doubt that Roy went food shopping in the last week and a half."
"Well, he probably had other things on his mind."
"True, but I bet he did not go food shopping because he is lazy," she said with a smile.
Raven laughed, "don't worry I'm sure I can whip something up. I have gotten better at cooking over the years. Not by much but I cancook a few things. I do live by myself you know, I have to eat."
Now it was Kori's turn to laugh, "Good thing you're dating a chef."
Raven leaned her head out of the kitchen door and smiled, "yeah that's probably for the best."
Taking a seat at the kitchen table Kori sighed, what was she going to do?
Setting a breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast in front of Kori Raven sat down at the kitchen table across from her.
Kori looked at the food then at Raven, "aren't you going to eat as well?"
"No, I'm not that hungry. Eat up alright."
"Are you sure? I do not feel right eating when you are not."
"I told you I'm not hungry. Please eat; you need to gain back your strength."
"Thank you Raven," Kori whispered quietly before picking up her fork.
"Kori," Raven began, "what about Richard?"
Kori's head snapped up, "wh-what about Richard?"
"Well, how do you feel about him?"
Kori looked down at the table, "I-I do not feel anything for him…nothing, nothing at all."
Raven stared at her, "are you trying to convince me…or yourself?"
"Hey, about time you got here. I've been waiting for you for twenty minutes. What the hell happened to ya dude?"
"Sorry Gar, my meeting ran late. I got here as soon as I could." Richard froze and just stared at him.
"What?"
Richard shook his head, "nothing. It's just, you look so different."
Garfield laughed, "Ya, well I figured I needed to change a few things so I could blend in."
"I guess with everything going on it never really registered until just now. Normal skin and hair, you look good."
"Thanks, I guess I a lot happened over the years huh?"
"Guess so…well, ready to eat?"
"Always, c'mon." Gar replied motioning for Richard to follow him into the restaurant for breakfast.
After having their orders taken Richard turned to Garfield, "So, man, you and Raven?"
"Yeah, I almost can't believe it. I mean I never thought she'd forgive me for-" he stopped and looked off to the right to stare out the window at the speeding cars going up and down the street.
"Di-did Raven tell you?"
"Tell me what?" Richard asked curiously. He remembered when he first saw Raven again. She had told him that she saw Beast Boy again and she was crying because of that. What could have happened?
"When you left-well a lot happened. I didn't mean it. I didn't know that taking that many pills would do that to me. I just thought that it would make me feel better the more I took. I was wrong and Raven was there and I hadn't meant any of it…"
"Gar!" Richard held his hand up to stop him from speaking. He had gotten the first part but then Garfield had just started speaking fast, his words meshing together so Richard couldn't understand him. Whatever he was saying, it was obvious he didn't want to talk about it.
"…I never meant to hurt her."
Richard's eyes narrowed, "what did you do?"
"Kori! Kori, you here?" Roy yelled from the foyer.
Kori stared at Raven; she wasn't ready to see him yet. She knew she wasn't in love with Roy, and she guessed that on some level she had always known. But, she still loved him, he was always good to her and she didn't want to hurt him like she knew she had to. 'It isn't fair; you can't do this to him…to yourself.'
"Yes, Roy I am here. Raven and I are in the kitchen." She called back to him. Kori had finished her breakfast over an hour ago and she and Raven had just been talking.
Raven stared at her, "are you trying to convince me…or yourself?"
Kori stared at her in shock. "What? I-I-I..." She couldn't lie to Raven. Even if she couldn't admit it to herself she could admit it to Raven. Crying all over again she gasped for breath, "I do Raven I do I love him. I've always loved him and I never stopped. You just can't stop loving somebody. It isn't that easy. It just doesn't happen like that." She said snapping her fingers.
"When he just left, it broke my heart. I wanted to die; I truly did. But it got easy, the pain got less and less until I was only thinking about him when I stopped to think. But I never stopped loving Robin, and I never will."
"Kor, I'm not understanding, if being with him is what you want..."
"I can't be with him! I've told him that!" she was screaming now. "I'm afraid, scared, I don't want to be hurt again Raven, I can't be hurt again. I don't think I can make it. After I end my relationship with Roy, I'll be alone." She pulled her engagement ring off and set it on the table between them. "I can never be with Richard, even if I wanted to."
Looking up at Raven she sighed, "Besides, so much has changed. I'm not the same person I was all those years ago. I'm not Starfire anymore. I'm not that innocent, care-free, joyful person I once was."
"You've been through a lot."
"No! You're not the same person either. You stopped using you powers, stopped meditating and look you laugh, you cry, your not that same, Raven…you're not. Who says that he's still the same person that we remember, the same person that I fell in love with."
Raven stayed silent and looked down at the table.
"None of us are, even Garfield, he's grown up. All that we've been through has changed us. Robin and I don't even know each other anymore. He is not even Robin anymore!" She screamed the last part before burying her head in her hands.
"Kori! Kori!" Raven stood up and sat in the chair next to her. "You're going to have a breakdown if you don't calm yourself down. It'll all be okay, it'll all work out."
Kori closed her eyes and tried to regulate her breathing. "Th-thank you Ra-raven, thank you so much."
"You have to talk to Richard, Kori. Or you will never be able to live your life. No matter what you do, what you decide, I'm here for you. Me, Gar, Bee, Vic, all of us, we're here. But you have to talk to him, make peace with him if nothing more."
With Raven's words still ringing in her head she felt Roy kiss her cheek, "How you feeling baby?"
"I'm feeling alright Roy. And you?" She asked looking at his crutches. His physical therapist said he was recovering quickly but it would be another few weeks before he was walking by himself again.
"I'm feeling great." Raven had gotten up and retuned to her seat across from Kori so that Roy could sit down without having to walk any farther.
Spotting the ring on the table Raven quickly grabbed it and got up, "well I have to go. I have some work to do before I meet with my editor again next week." Walking past Kori she grabbed one of her hands and placed the ring in it.
Kori gasped and quickly and inconspicuously slipped the ring on. Trying her best to put on a convincing smile she turned to Roy, "how was your morning?"
"Gar…" 'No wonder Raven was upset.' Richard couldn't believe it. "But you guys are okay now?"
"Yeah, thank God. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't forgiven me. I'm taking her to dinner tonight, and…trying to help her quit smoking."
"Really? That's great."
"Yeah, I just hope she can quite. I've never smoked but it is an addiction and I'm sure with addictions it isn't easy to just stop."
"Raven's strong, she can do it. It's all mind over matter."
"I know but have you heard her. She's been coughing a lot, and breathing really hard sometimes. I hope nothing's wrong. I worry about her."
"Well, that's normal. You love her; it's only natural to worry about her."
"Speaking of love…you and Kori?"
Richard sighed and put his head in his hands. "She's getting married."
"Do you love her?"
"Of course I do. But, she's happy with Roy, I want her to be happy."
Garfield stared at him. Kori wasn't happy, he could tell she was never happy and he wasn't sure she even wanted this marriage. But, he couldn't tell Richard this. It was Kori's decision what she wanted to do. Only she knew what was right. "You two need to talk."
Richard sighed, "I know."
Kori looked out one of the large living room windows into the sky at the setting sun. She looked at the clock, 7:30. She tapped her foot nervously; she needed to do this now. If she didn't, she didn't know if she would ever be able to.
"Roy," she suddenly spoke up and turned towards him, "we need to talk."
"What's the matter Kori?" He asked worriedly taking her hands in his.
She quickly pulled them away and stood up, her back facing him, "No, please don't make this any harder than it has to be."
"Kori, what are you talking about."
She turned to him and looked up at him through tear filled eyes. "This, I can't do this. It isn't fair to you, or me."
"Kori…"
"Please," she silenced him. Looking down she pulled the ring off her finger. "I cannot marry you."
She stepped closer to him and took his hand. Opening it she placed the ring on his palm and closed his fingers around it. Closing her eyes she sniffled and sighed, "You are a wonderful man Roy Harper, and I will always care for you." Her voice became a whisper. "I cannot do this to you, chain you to me with marriage; I want you to find the woman who loves you that way you deserve to be loved."
Roy stared at her in shock. He couldn't believe this, he wouldn't believe this. His brow furrowed in anger and he roughly lifted her chin up towards his face. Her eyes shot open and locked with his. The hurt she saw in them made her sick to her stomach. "Roy…?" she asked shakily.
"It's him isn't it." It wasn't a question.
"Roy…I, no this isn't about-"
"IT'S HIM ISN'T IT!" He was yelling now. He didn't want to yell at her but he was just so angry. She was leaving him.
Pulling away from him she leaned against the wall, "This isn't Richard's doing, this is mine. Me, all me!"
"Kori…please…he doesn't love you like I do. He broke your heart once before. What makes you think he won't do it again?" He yelled at her, throwing his hands up in the air.
"This has nothing to do with Richard! I can't marry you Roy because I don't love you!" She gasped and covered her mouth. She hadn't meant to say it like that, so mean. She didn't want to hurt him anymore than she already had.
He exhaled loudly and stared at her, "fine," he replied calmly, "I'll come back tomorrow around noon to get my stuff and I'll leave. I'll be out of your life forever."
"Roy…please, I still want to be friends, I care for y-"
"Cut the crap Kori. We can't be friends." He turned and headed for the door, "I'll come by at noon." He turned towards her, "when I get here, I don't want to see you here." With that he walked out of the house slamming the door hard behind him.
Kori dropped her head and sunk to the floor, tears steaming down her face and onto the carpet.
Raven sat on her couch in her pent house legs crossed with her laptop on the coffee table. She was reading over some her editors comments, making corrections and jotting down notes. She looked up at the television in the corner of the room; she didn't know what was on, some Lifetime movie.
She didn't like noise when she worked but she always had the television turned on to some channel on mute. She just liked having it on for some reason. 'Maybe Kori's right, I've guess I have changed a lot.'
Raven never really thought about how much she had changed over the last eight years before Kori mentioned it today. Now she couldn't get those thoughts out of her head. And Kori, she was so worried about her. She was going through such a tough time right now. Raven just wished that there was something she could do anything, maybe-"
She jumped at the knock on her door. Getting up she opened the door, "Gar?"
"Hey, you busy?" Raven just looked at him. "Raven?" Without moving her eyes from his she reached her hand up and rested her palm on his cheek. He placed his hand over hers and raised his eyebrow. "Raven, are you okay?"
Pulling her hand away she sighed, "Yeah, you just look so different. I noticed before, but I never really thought about it I guess."
"That's the same exact thing that Richard said this morning. Is it good or bad?"
"No! It's good, you-you look…very handsome." Blushing she looked down. "You saw Richard today?"
"Yeah…yeah we went out for breakfast today. Speaking of food, I was wondering…would you go out to dinner with me tonight?" He asked hopefully.
"Of course, I'd love to." She looked down at her outfit. "I looked terrible. Let me go change quickly and then we can go. Come in and have a seat." He took a seat on the couch, "can I get you something to drink?"
"No, thanks I'm good."
Raven nodded and turned to head down her hallway. "Hey Raven!"
She turned to him, "you always look beautiful."
She blushed and looked away. "Thank you. I'll be ready in a few minutes."
Kori's head shot up and she got up to open the door. She turned to look at the mirror hanging on the wall. She wiped the tears off her cheeks and blinked to clear her vision.
Opening the door she gasped, "What are you doing here?"
Richard stared at her, "I-I- I'm sorry. I just wanted to see how you were doing."
"Oh, I am doing fine. I'll be alright."
"Are you okay? You seem upset. Can I help?"
"No, no I'm fine, truly." She turned to close the door but he pushed it back open.
He sighed, "Look, I know I'm the last person in the world you want to see, but I need to talk to you. Please, come with me…just for a walk along the pier?"
"Richard, I…" She was scared. Anymore time with him, she knew, would just hurt her more in the end. But, she didn't want to be alone. "Alright."
Raven sat on her bed, her hands covering her mouth to muffle her coughing so Garfield couldn't hear it. She tried to stop but she just couldn't. Getting up she poured herself a drink of water from the sink in the bathroom. She usually didn't drink the tap water but if it would help she'd do anything.
She drank the glass and tried to breathe regularly again. She sighed with relief when the coughing subsided.
Returning to her bedroom she changed from her sweatshirt and sweatpants to a pair of black dress pants and a purple silk tank top. Slipping on her black heels she pulled her hair out of its messy bun on the top of her head and ran her fingers through it. Pulling it into a neat ponytail she turned to reach for her coat and stopped.
Her chest hurt. It felt tight and she couldn't breathe. She heard her breath quicken and become heavy. Her head hurt and she felt dizzy.
Feeling the blackness take over Raven closed her eyes and fell to the floor.
Kori wrapped her coat tighter around her as she gazed out upon the water. The lights of the city making it sparkle.
"Kori,"
"Yes Richard?" She asked turning to look at him; she looked up into his eyes. Though it was dark this was the first time she was seeing them in eight years. He had shown her his eyes before; he had told her she was the only one she had shown his eyes to. It made her feel special to know she had a special place in his heart that no one else shared with her.
Now…it just made her feel sick to think about the past. "I need to tell you why I left you."
"Richard, we don't need to go back into that. It is in the past and I-"
"No, I need to tell you. You need to know."
"I was scared, Kori. Being with me, was putting your life at even more risk than it already was by just being a Titan. I couldn't live with myself if something had happened to you. And I knew that if we broke up it would always be awkward between us. I couldn't bear that either. So, I left. I thought that was what was best for you. I just wanted you to be safe. But…I couldn't keep you safe and you got hurt anyway."
"I don't think I ever thanked you for saving my life. If it were not for you he would have…he might have…thank you."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop him before. I'm sorry I let you get hurt. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done that's hurt you." Taking her hands he looked down at them and sighed, "What I wouldn't give to take them back."
He stopped and looked at her hands, "where's your ring?" He hadn't forgotten about her engagement. It was all that he could think about. Her getting married, being gone forever. It hurt so much to think about it but he couldn't help it.
Kori ripped her hands away and turned back to the water. "Roy and I are no longer engaged. There will be no wedding."
Richard stood silently in shock. "Kori, what happened? Are you alright? Did he hurt you? What did he do to you?"
Kori fought back the tears. "He has done nothing to me. It was me. I cancelled our engagement. It is not Roy that is the horrible person, it is me!"
Breathless, she turned and ran down the boardwalk.
Garfield headed down the hallway wondering what was taking Raven so long. He pushed her door open, "Raven! Oh, my God!"
Dropping to the floor he tried to wake her. "Raven! Raven!" Was she even breathing? Placing his fingers on her neck he found her pulse, it was shallow and slow.
"Raven, Raven…please…please wake up. Oh God, Raven!"
Finally catching up to Kori, Richard grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. "Kori-what-"
Richard was cut off by the feel of burning, hot pain as it spread across the left side of his face as Kori's hand connect with his cheek.
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! EVERYTHING! YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE COME BACK! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING…EVERYTHING!"
I hope you liked this chapter. I'm sorry it took so long to update but I had midterms and I've been studying a lot. Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter and I'll try to have the next one up as soon as possible. And thank you in advance for reviewing!