Disclaimer: I do not own Pretear.

Rated for: Gloomy thoughts.

Enjoy!

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Quit Playing Games

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Running through darkness with tears in my eyes, so cold and confused, I realized I was running from myself and no one else. I have shamed myself and now I am being punished for it. Only pain and distress surrounded me but I could not run away, I kept tripping and falling and everything around consumed me, and as I was about to give in I felt incredible warmth and light: someone was endlessly calling out my name.

"Mannen! Mannen!", said the voice, "Come on, wake up man."

"Hajime, don't bother him, let him rest" ,said another.

As I slowly came to and opened my eyes, it was not at all the darkness of the few moments ago I was seeing, but the ceiling of my newly found room.

"Look, look, he is awake" called out a familiar voice.

"Well at long last, princess, how are you feeling?"

I turned my head towards the voice and my eyes sharply opened. There stood almost all the knights with exception of a few, with worry in their eyes as they approached closer. The question of course came from Kei.

"What did you call me!" was my initial, but weak response.

"Well it is nice to see you're doing better", said Kei.

As the happenings of the previous nights and the pounding headache came flooding back, I realized that I was miles away from "better". How did they find me? And why? Who brought me back? Was it possibly Goh? No, impossible. If he knows anything of my return he probably now wishes I was dead in some ditch. Why did they just not leave me there to die? What have I done so wrong that even one of my few wishes could not be carried out? What am I going to do now? Hajime and Shin know of my homosexuality, no doubt everyone knows, so hiding it is not even a possibility. So what now?

Sasame came closer and sat down on the stool next to my bed.

"Mannen," he said gently, "do you mind telling us what's going on? Why were you all by yourself in the basement, crying? What happened?"

Instantly, I was struck by fear. So they did not know. I looked into Sasame's expecting eyes and everyone's curious faces. I can't tell you what happened. Everybody will hate me even more than they do already.

I made a sudden turn of 180 degrees from one side to another and fully blanketed my body, completely hiding myself from everyone's view.

"Go away!" I cried out. I knew I was weak and pathetic already, so adding to it won't change a thing. I didn't care if I stayed in bed for the rest of my miserable life, if it meant never seeing Goh's face again it was well worth it.

"Mannen," Sasame's even more careful voice sounded out again," you can tell us, you know we won't judge you."

I felt a hand coming to rest on my shoulder and aggressively jerked away.

"Mannen," Sasame's defeated voice tried again," is there anyone particular in the room you would like to talk to alone?"

After a few minutes of silence, he realized he was not going to get what he wants, and I heard a heavy sigh. Everyone whispered worriedly among each other, and a shuffling of feet walking out the door could be heard. My heavily pounding heart, slowly relaxed with relief.

Samame was the only one who momentarily stayed behind and with the words," If you need someone to talk to, Mannen, We are always here for you", silently walked out the door and swiftly shut it.

Now that they were all gone, I contemplated on what had happened. My initial thought was that I'll never get out of this mess. As wonderful as lying in bed for days on end and speaking to no on for eternity sounded, it was merely an impossible wish. Sooner or later, I was going to get dragged out of bed to face my worst fears. I still didn't know how to cope with that. How am ever going to show my face to the world again? Seeing as how Goh was not among the ones present in the room earlier, it was pretty much a sign of his first streaks of hatred towards me of more that are yet to rear their ugly face. All that was left in my hopes now, was to pray for mercy that I doubted was going to be granted.

And what about others? How could I ever continue being a knight if I now hide under a blanket like a defenseless little baby? The preview of that from earlier has already proved to them what a coward I am! Sasame must have been so disappointed in me. Why wouldn't he be? I know I am.

How did my life turn to such a disaster? All I ever wanted was to be loved by the one who makes me complete more than anything else in this world, as cheesy as it may sound. But that shall never happen, because I am merely a child in his eyes; not a tall, vivacious long-legged blond female, but a short, freaky little kid.

Yet, doesn't he see that I could do so much more for him than some blonde bimbo? I love him from the bottom of my heart, and truthfully I doubt anyone will ever love him as strongly as do I. That is a promise. No matter what shall come, I will love him and him only forever. Even though it does sound very unlike me, it is the truth.

And with that I pressed my knees to my body as tightly as I could, curled up, and fell asleep with comfort and warmth, but deepest sorrow in my soul.

/to be continued…/

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Until next time.

kisses,

mirageangel